It's all about......ME! :)

[BibiBlocksberg]

Hello to all and a Medal for those of you that stayed over all 16 pages of the 'It's all about him' thread.

Since it has gotten so big and since I will most likely going to be droning on about this for a little while I thought it would be easier to just start a new thread.

Must say I prefer the new title

For those that didn't read the mammoth previous thread, in a nutshell it's about me dithering to leave partner of 8 years. No sex life for a year, he's very self centred and unmotivated etc, no future to speak of, fed up.

Finally told him I want to split up last night so am now using MN as my lifeline to ensure I really do get out of this excuse for a relationship.

Thank you all again for letting me do this and your support :)

Thank you ReallyFab, Yogabuff and Annie :)

"If the guy can move back to his mum's with no regrets it proves that he never did give a shit about you. Not a slight on your worth but on his total self-centredness"

If you would indulge me on this subject one last time (pretty please)

What I can't get straight in my mind is the fact that I left him no other option really. Told him I wanted him to move out asap. Yes he could have chosen to move to a bedsit/flat etc but there was no way he could have afforded that.

For some reason though I keep thinking that if it was the other way around I would have found a way to let him know what I thought and felt by now. Letter, text etc something like that and this total silence is just confirmation (as you say Annie of his self-centredness)

As I say last time I'll get on that particular hobby horse but can't reason it out properly on my own :)

P.S - glad somebody liked my Lazarus reference Annie

Don't think anymore that he is like you. Remember I told you about the guy I finished with just after Christmas, who was crying as I shut the door? Didn't hear a dicky bird from him until about 2-3 years later. I just put the card in the bin.

"that he is relieved to be out of the conflict zone or doesn't want to seem desperate or a stalker."

Thank you dogfish for that perspective as I was wondering the same (the desperate stalker bit especially)

Suppose this is one of those things I could puzzle over endlessly and never find the answer to really.

:) Only if those women are not prepared to be open and honest about the reasons for the split though I presume?

Not saying oh look at me what a perfectly reasonable specimen I am but I was more than willing to talk it all out in detail with him but since he chose to just clam up and then go straight into the 'sorry sorry sorry' won't happen again, here have some flowers phase it wasn't feasable.

Sorry's by themselves and empty promises don't forecast real change of attitudes/behaviours. Is the conclusion I came to in the end anyway.

dogfish - I think it depends who you were with. I have got over all my exes relatively quickly but one is someone I will never get over. I guess it depends on what you felt for them.

Bibi may I recommend Sliding Doors - on tonight? About a woman who has the choice whether to stay and support useless boyfriend or...not... Nice fluffy chick film though.

I love that film! Thanks for the heads-up, Katisha :)

Thanks for the recommendation katisha.

Was quite happy just pottering about tonight but suddenly turned really desperately sad.

Sorry to mention, MN only place I feel I can turn to.

How can such a useless empty man still cause such pain.......

It's not him, it's the habit of having someone around that you miss. Kind of like having a rotten tooth pulled. It was no good to you but it still leaves a gap which takes ages to grow over.

Bibi, it is because you are not useless and empty and you had enough depth for both of you for a long time

Now you are not using so much emotional energy propping him up, the anti-climax will kick in

Ride it out... it will pass

Thanks, I just wish he hadn't bothered to promise me the future I'd wanted for 10 years right before I told him to go.

Despite everything it feels like I rejected what I'd been wanting for so long at the final hurdle. Sorry, no better way to describe it. :(

come on now, you know it was too little, too late

he was never going to step up, not in the real way that you deserve x

Not right now, no AF.

Probably will tomorrow, you're right of course.

He said what he thought you wanted to hear.
And even if he believed it at the time, it doesn't constitute a personality transplant.
Say you had a baby - would he suddenly start pulling his weight, financially, domestically etc?
And untimately it would have been what YOU wanted, not what he wanted as well. Unless possibly involving zero effort.

am really sorry x

it is shit being right, when someone is feeling so bad

get a good night's sleep

and don't underestimate how much xmas is going to affect you

do not contact him

just sayin'...

Oh good, there's a cheery thought. An affected Christmas. Sorry being an ungrateful shit now.

A friend if mine did warn me that a week after he left would be pretty bad and to guard against taking him back. Think it's coming up to a week.

I know he told me what he though I wanted to hear. That's why I rejected his stupid note to me promising he wanted children etc.

Promises by numbers is what it felt like.

Just that reason failed me a bit tonight. Logic and anger are what have got me through so far.

I suppose pain is inevitable though isn't it.

Yes it is. As I keep banging on, all change is difficult, even change for the better. It's easier to maintain the status quo, which is why people stay in crap situations for so long...

:) AF it had briefly crossed my mind to contact him.

Fortunately my pride would not allow that. That would just be totally pathetic and put him back in the driving seat.

Funny how you mentioned that though :)

of course pain is inevitable

you are not a robot

and of course xmas is going to affect you, you would be silly not to be prepared for that .. well known flashpoint for falling back into old, tired patterns of behaviour because they feel "safer" than the unknown

What will you do at Christmas?

bibi...what is happening to you is following a well-worn pattern

I am not minimising how shit it feels...but it is natural and unless you wish every other xmas to be like the last few, you will stay strong and resist the lure of going righ back to square one

Very wise words AF. You must have been where I am yourself in the past.

Katisha - am determined to spend Christmas by myself this year as really don't want to be the Xmas gooseberry that got the sympathy invite!

Hopefully there will be many more christmasses in my life so one on my own really won't matter.

On a lighter note I had thought of auctioning myself on eBay for charity. There must be a poor soul out there who would love to have Christmas off but is forced to work.

Win me and I'll do your job for the day