Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I right in my conviction, lovely DP has done something unforgivable and I really think we're over

322 replies

IDontLikeDisciples · 02/12/2010 12:18

We went out with a big group of friends yesterday afternoon,long pub lunch as most were off work due to the snow, he went home as he started to feel unwell.

I had a seizure in the loo, was taken to hospital by ambulance(this has happened a few times and is being investigated, possible epilepsy). DPs best friends wife came with me, made sure I was okay and was generally lovely.

I came home to a horrid email from DP, heres part of it

THANKS A FUCKING LOT, had half the village ringing me when I was ill in bed thanks to another of your 'episodes'. Can't believe you dragged Laura to the hospital in this fuking weather. You really worried people. I've had no sleep as the phone was contstantly ringing. Sort yourself out.

No 'oh my god are you okay?' etc Just that shower of shite.
I am stunned by this. What would you do?

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 03/12/2010 09:29

Haven't read anything more that the OP - but Oh Dear. This relationship is over.

Unprune · 03/12/2010 09:38

Nothing specific to say about your situation, but it's totally not unusual for the 'good bloke' in the village to be a complete bastard.

Some people have a preternatural ability to know exactly how far to push different people. Plus they really use the network of male friends they have: men are far less likely to sit around comparing behaviour, and don't want to get into conflict with an alpha male, so they let it all go, and cognitive dissonance takes over: X must be a good bloke because I have treated him like a good bloke, no other scenario is possible.

Actually I don't know why I am talking about men, the same happens with women.

Rudolphsnose · 03/12/2010 09:46

You really need to disengage completely, remove him from FB etc. You don't this kind of abusive arse in your life.

Reality · 03/12/2010 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redllamayellowllama · 03/12/2010 10:01

I just wanted to add another perspective. About 6 years ago, I had a series of fits, that were often in public (often on public transport, strangely enough) and was diagnosed with epilepsy. The nature of these fits (few and far-between, but very big when they happened) meant that quite a few people, without witnessing them, felt they were being over-exaggerated by those around me at the time. I often find that fits are more alarming for the people witnessing them then the people they happen to - I never have a recollection of any of my fits, just the (minor) injuries sustained from them.

Anyway, when I met DH, I had just received diagnosis, was on medication and then never fitted again. He can be quite blase about the diagnosis of epilepsy, because he has never witnessed a fit and has no real idea of what happened/happens. I think he also doesn't want to think of me as 'ill' in any way (not that I consider myself to be) from a being genuinely concerned about my welfare POV and, as such, is dismissive of it.

From other details (ie. the language used and tone of his e-mail), various alarm bells are ringing. But WRT the specifics of epilepsy and people's reactions to it, this may not be as unusual as it seems. Of course, if he has witnessed one of your fits, this renders my perspective obsolete.

Hope you are ok in yourself - I know it's a horrible thing to be going through.

thesecondcoming · 03/12/2010 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeeBee · 03/12/2010 10:24

Your dad sounds fab. Seriously, if this is your DP's view now, in the long term (if things health-wise do get worse for you), how will he be then? Why are you in love with someone with so little regard for you? He is a dick weed, get shut of.

HerBeatitude · 03/12/2010 10:28

OP his subsequent Facebook post would seal the deal for me. Even if there were some unlikely reason why he sent the first e-mail - someone else did it/ he thought you'd brought it on yourself by not takng your medication/ mixing it with alcohol etc. , the passive aggressive "poor me" pathetic, hard done by, sad PR on his facebook, is the beginning of his bad-mouthing campaign against you.

Don't respond to it, I agree that it's too much like bloody Jeremy Kyle. Anyone who thinks that it's appropriate to conduct hsi relationships via e-mail, is a prick beyond measure and needs to be avoided like the plague. This is classic abuser behaviour - abuses you, doesn't acknowledge that he abused you, then acts sad, confused, bewildered when you respond negatively to that abuse, then continues to abuse you by beginning a campaign of vilification against you.

You are very lucky he overstepped the mark before having effectively groomed you to accept far more abuse in the future. You've had an incredibly lucky escape. Good luck.

HerBeatitude · 03/12/2010 10:32

Sorry that should say anyone who conducts his relationship via facebook, not e-mail.

I mean, who the fuck thinks it's appropriate to try and negotiate with an angry girlfriend/ ex in front of the whole world? Who the fuck is this guy, Peter Fucking Andre? Normal people do not conduct their relationships in public like this, the fact that he's done so is an even bigger flag for me tbh. - he's trying to manipulate you in public. It is horrifying. Facebook has opened up a whole new avenue for passive-aggressive abusers, but that's another thread...

FetchezLaVache · 03/12/2010 10:39

Good on your dad- that was an excellent response!

Hope you're OK, OP.

gardenglory · 03/12/2010 10:43

Annie - I have had the experience of indifference displayed to myself being ill or, years back, whilst post-operatively recovering, utter disinterest.

gardenglory · 03/12/2010 10:45

OP, you really don't need someone who is uncaring towards you. It won't bring you happiness in your life.

Hold your head up high and get on with your life.

gardenglory · 03/12/2010 10:48

HerBeautitude - a campaign of vilification is very effective, together with odd comments about how people make negative comments about you. The person doing this is probably alot better too at appearing credible to other people. It is crap.Sad

cherrybea · 03/12/2010 11:59

OP - pleased you shared this with your friend, I would seriously consider letting your wider circle of friends know too so when he starts throwing shit about you've got support.

MadameOvary · 03/12/2010 12:21

Caring about his public image rather than your wellbeing = abusive knob.
Waste no more time on him.

QuintessentialShadows · 03/12/2010 12:43

Oh please delete him from your facebook. If you are not there to see his vile comments, he has no reason to make them....

Longtalljosie · 03/12/2010 14:28

I've just realised who you are... did he pitch up while you were going through all of that with your DCs...?

If so, you must stop blaming yourself. These people are drawn to people in extremis.

Healthy people are attracted to you when you're sorted and happy. Why wouldn't they? Normal people want to share their lives with happy people. Abusers are attracted to you when you're a bit of a mess.

tillywee · 03/12/2010 14:38

I agree with deleting him from facebook, then you won't see what he is posting. He sounds like a first class turd, I agree that you should avoid any blokes for a while and concentrate on your dc's

QuintessentialShadows · 03/12/2010 14:50

penny drops.

You dont need such a parasite in your life. BLOCK.

Original poster
IDontLikeDisciples · 03/12/2010 16:33

I have indeed blocked him on facebook, any idea how to block an emmail address in googlemail and hotmail?

finally have some good news to report. After my solicitor emailed exH he has agreed I can have the children for the full day on sunday. This means I can take my time travelling down tomorrow. only trouble is I need to find somewhere to stay. Any London based mumsnetters fancy putting up a slightly deranged and emotionally fragile stranger for the night Wink

DD cheered me up no end too, she was hilarious. I told her my car was buried in the snow and that the roads and trains are dangerous, she said 'right so we can't go to softplay, but we can go to the museum instead right'. 'no darling, I'm sorry' 'It's only snow mummy don't be so silly, harrumph'

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 03/12/2010 16:35

I think you can categorise the last email from him as spam, and this will hopefully allow you to block him

Longtalljosie · 03/12/2010 18:05

Googlemail:

To have Gmail send messages from a specific sender to the Trash automatically:

* Follow the Create a filter link (at the top of any Gmail mailbox, near the search buttons).
* Type the desired email address under From:.
      o You can block an entire domain by entering just that. To block all mail from both [email protected] and [email protected], type "@example.com".
      o To block more than one address, separate them with "|" (the vertical bar; typically above the backslash on the keyboard; not including the quotation marks). You can block both [email protected] and [email protected] by typing "[email protected]|[email protected]", for example. 
* Click Next Step ».
* Make sure Delete it is checked under Choose action.
* Click Create Filter.
      o Check Also apply filter to __ conversations below to delete previously received messages.
Longtalljosie · 03/12/2010 18:06

Hotmail:

* Select Options | More Options... from the Windows Live Hotmail toolbar.
* Follow the Safe and blocked senders link under Junk e-mail.
* Now click Blocked senders.
* Type the undesired email address under Blocked e-mail address or domain:.
      o You can block all addresses at a domain ? the domain being what comes after the '@' sign in an email address ? by entering just that. 
* Click Add to list >>.
Miggsie · 03/12/2010 18:23

I have re-read this entire thread and his behaviour is screaming "narcissistic personality disorder" so loud, it is deafening:

Man with image of really nice person, which he maintains very very well
Only shows true self to "girlfriend" to whom he feels free to be his true self

Caught out lying or challenged: back tracks and denies it was his fault, tries to blame the person who objected to his behaviour, tries to discredit anyone who says anything negative about him
Sees other person's illness as a personal sleight on him
Issues invitation to "girlfriend" without acknowledging their distress at previous behaviour
Won't see anything wrong with anything he has done
Previous girlfriend offering help: she knows what he is like, his brilliant act to the outside world, how only one person get to see the true personality and is then ridiculed for saying anything.

Well done for blocking him.

He will now tell his friends you are a lesbian, you are over emotional, you are doing it for sympathy, you over reacted. Because he can't do anything wrong you see.

See if you can get "Laura" to google narcissistic personality disorder.

And yes, get some nice therapy and get to be expert at spotting such shitbags.

Jux · 03/12/2010 20:59

Don't despair about 'being hte bad guy'. People are often shocked and disbelieving at first when they hear that Mr/s Perfect isn't, but something stays in their memory, and then other little things come to mind and they start to wonder "is s/he really such a perfect person? what about x and y and that time when z and didn't his/her ex say something once" etc etc etc.

Sorry about your firefighting.Sad