Can an Emotional Abuser change ? I'm the abuser.

[Imnotaniceperson]

Namechange here.

I have been in a relationship for 10 years, we have 2 dcs. I'm working from home and my dh works in a office.

I have been working from home for 4 years and it doesnt suit me, I'm very lonely and I find it very hard to be in charge of the dcs full time. I have been suffering of depression since I had my dcs and I'm treated for it, it does work at some levels.

I have decided to work from when my last dc was a tiny baby, dh had just made redundant so I couldnt afford not to work and paying childcare, it was supposed to be a temporary solution while dh got back on his feet. He did at some point, he went back to the old job he had before taking the job he got made redundant for. The money is not great and if I was going back to a normal office job, we will be in debt because of the childcare so I cant really change job.

In 4 years I had 3 weeks off holidays (I'm self employed), I have no family here.

Thats the background. My problem is that I ressent him and when we argue I say horrible things and he never say anything back.

I'm a nervous wreck, I never get any time off, I'm unhappy, I'm trying to change job I do but I have no confidence, I cant attend work shop as I dont have any childcare.

I became a very horrible person, my children are killing me, my relationship is killing me and I'm thinking about dying every day.
Last night, my dc woke up and wanted to sleep with me but I couldnt go back to sleep, I had a panick attack, the fact that I'm an abnormal person is killing me, the guilt as well. I'm a mad person.

you seriously need a life out fo the home even if its going to college flower arranging one evening a week.

seriously.

What Custy said
and
Is it worth reviewing your treatment for depression? Because you sound like a depressed person rather than a horrible or abusive person.
Have you discussed your feelings about yourself and your relationship with your dh?

You are not mad or abnormal, but you do need to actively change things in your life to make them better.

I really recommend you read a book called 'The Road Less Travelled'. It might help you start to make the changes you need to make.

Yes you can change, but you have to put in the work and effort and commitment in order to do so.

You are not horrible, you are not abnormal, you are not mad and you are not an abuser. You are under huge stress, you are unhappy, and you are depressed.

There is nothing to feel guilty about.

Please go back to your dr and readdress the depression. How was it treated previously? Have you had a course of CBT? I think you are a perfect candidate for CBT. It may not 'cure' you, because a large part of the problem is not within you but within your situation, but it will help you feel better about yourself.

Taking anti-depressants may be a short-term fix, but they are not going to change the situation or the way you feel about yourself. CBT an help with this.

And you also need to find some time for yourself. You have to be everything for everybody right now, abd there's only so much a person can take. You need to find something for yourself, something purely for you, that gives you pleasure and refreshes your spirit.

it does sound a lot like me

Honey (I won't call you by that namechange, because I refuse to damn you without appeal) I read and understand. I have been in the same emotional place as you - but without half the stress you are under.

Even in that article they talk about how external stresses can cause this behaviour, and how self-hate and guilt perpetuates it.

The reason you are not a heartless bit h or emotional abuser is because you don't do it deliberately, for your pleasure, or to control people. You are lashing out in desperation!

Thank you prettycandles, I'm desperate and I dont know how to get out of my personal hell hole. I'm trying to make some effort like getting out of the house more, last week end we all went out. Usually I stay behind so I can have a break but I think it doesnt help as I'm moping around a lot. I have no self power at all, I have no enthusiast.

I have looked at becoming a officer for the rspca but they have no jobs offer around where I live.

imnotaniceperson, thanks so much for that link x

with the link that you gave us, what exactly have you been doing to your husband from the article?

I'm not calling ugly or say stuff about his appearence but I tend not to forget when he makes a mistake, a promise he fails to keep, I dont like his friends and they have never been really nice to me despite the efforts I have made to be friends with them (we are seeing them on friday and it makes me feel sick).

I say horrible stuff in the heat of an argument.

Hi niceperson (I wont use your name change either)

I have been where you are too. I recognised I was behaving abusively to my DH after more than 25 years together. I had been a SAHM and then worked part time bringing up my DC while my workaholic DH forged ahead with his glittering career contributing little at home.

I was exhausted resentful and bitter. I foolishly had an affair and reached rock bottom with self disgust and emotional numbness.

I started counselling and took a long hard look at myself. It really hurt to admit how horribly I had behaved and how badly I had treated my DH.

For me the answer has been to move out of our home and live quietly on my own. I am not an abusive person in any other part of my life. It is gradually becoming clearer how I got into the situation. My DH comes from an abusive family and there is something wrong with the whole dynamic of his family relationships. I got caught up in that as a survival tactic. Hurt or be hurt!

For you it sounds as though you need time to look after yourself and time to meet your own needs. If you were an employee you would be signed off sick. As a self employed person you need to make a radical plan to cut your commitments so allow you breathing space.

You are not a bad person you are just behaving in a way that you are ashamed of. If you want to change you can.
Make a small step for yourself today. Keep posting here you will get some great advice!

working from home is horrible with kids. Impossible perhaps?

I do it so understand how you can feel resentful.

Gotta do baths etc will come back later.

I dont like his friends and they have never been really nice to me despite the efforts I have made to be friends with them

Does your DH know how you feel? Does he support you when you are with his friends? If you really feel bad he should put your feelings first.

Tell us more about this because it sounds more complicated than you are portraying it.

What is it about his friends that you don't like? what is it that they do to you? What efforts do you make?

I have no breathing space, I work and I look after my children and it is so hard. I want to change but where do I start ? Dh is away from 7.30 till 6.45. I feel like a prisonner. My dad was exactly the same to us as a family and I'm doing exactly the same as him, the only difference is that I'm not in denial, I know I'm behaving like a shit.

To stop that, I need to change a job which will allow me to pay childcare and have a bit leftovers, I need to have a hobby but what, I also need to lose 1 stone as I over compensate with food.

It doesn't sound from what you've said that you are terribly abusive. Terribly fed up, maybe.

Is there more you're not saying?

About the friends thing, I know I'm being completely ridiculous and should not care about what they think...One of them is a total c..., she will always say horrible things..last time, she was making too much noise and we asked her kindly can you be a bit quieter, the dcs are sleeping next door, she shouted at us ..she always say not very nice stuff..the others are all alpha mummy so it is difficult to talk with them as I cant go up to their level...and so on

His friends are all women? why do you invite his loud freinds over to yours at night then? What do you mean they are all alpha mummy, do you feel inferior to them as a mother or person?

Whenelse - dh knows my feelings about his friends but I cant ask him to put my feelings first that is also abusive.

binto-no more to say that at the moment I'm not coping well with the pressure, I dont argue I errupt, I shout, I scream, I cry, I pull my hair..I'm mad.

There's a well-recognised problem with reading articles about emotional abuse. Not well enough recognised, perhaps, but many of us here know it all too well. Being under enormous pressure can cause you to become abusive. My ex divorced me for emotional abuse and he wasn't wrong: I did everything he wrote on the petition.

I behaved like that because I was being abused at home and at work. The fact that I responded with anger & despair is the problem that led me into therapy (bad lessons learned in childhood), however I am not "an abuser" and I don't think you are, either. You're simply cracking under the strain.

I really feel for you. You MUST seek further support, or you might break down as comprehensively as I did. I definitely wouldn't recommend that! Please start with your doctor, as suicidal thoughts mean you're more depressed than you admit. It's time to 'fess up to vulnerability and demand help, if demand you must. I agree with the others that any activity which broadens your horizons - however slightly - is bound to be positive for you right now.

How seriously do you need the money you work for? Is downsizing a possibility whilst you repair your poor old nervous system?

Wishing you the very best.

they are couples, the man are high achiever and dh feels a bit complexed but they are his childhood friends.The mummies are all high achiever/now sahm, and there is nothing they do wrong...and there is me who is an underachiever, who doesnt have a mortgage, etc..

I disagree with you, I think you are probably a perfectionist and over achiever, you do everything and do your best from your posts...do you feel a failure in life and for not having a mortgage?

agree with grace. you sounds like you are under intolerable pressure - it sounds v.difficult indeed to manage work and dealing with young children (assuming you have at least one pre-schooler) and so don't get a clear run in the day of several hours. and on top of that to feel forced into accepting your dh's friends into your home who exacerbate the negative feelings.

Mummie, I'm not a perfectionist but I'm a failure. I have been living 10 years in London and I have nothing to show for that. Let me look around, the sofa is not ours, the table is not ours, I have nothing. I'm not clever and I know it, it is probably why I'm such a shit, I have a massive complex of inferiorite.

If I want to stop the pressure, I have to stop working and if I stop working, we'll be facing a massive catastrophe. I I change job, I'll be earning much less money and we'll be facing a catastrophe.

Sometimes I get envious with other people's lives but I'm quick to tell myself, well if I would have been less of c..t, knowing what I wanted to do in life and focus, I wouldnt be here where I am, the ceiling is my limit.