Can an Emotional Abuser change ? I'm the abuser.

[Imnotaniceperson]

Namechange here.

I have been in a relationship for 10 years, we have 2 dcs. I'm working from home and my dh works in a office.

I have been working from home for 4 years and it doesnt suit me, I'm very lonely and I find it very hard to be in charge of the dcs full time. I have been suffering of depression since I had my dcs and I'm treated for it, it does work at some levels.

I have decided to work from when my last dc was a tiny baby, dh had just made redundant so I couldnt afford not to work and paying childcare, it was supposed to be a temporary solution while dh got back on his feet. He did at some point, he went back to the old job he had before taking the job he got made redundant for. The money is not great and if I was going back to a normal office job, we will be in debt because of the childcare so I cant really change job.

In 4 years I had 3 weeks off holidays (I'm self employed), I have no family here.

Thats the background. My problem is that I ressent him and when we argue I say horrible things and he never say anything back.

I'm a nervous wreck, I never get any time off, I'm unhappy, I'm trying to change job I do but I have no confidence, I cant attend work shop as I dont have any childcare.

I became a very horrible person, my children are killing me, my relationship is killing me and I'm thinking about dying every day.
Last night, my dc woke up and wanted to sleep with me but I couldnt go back to sleep, I had a panick attack, the fact that I'm an abnormal person is killing me, the guilt as well. I'm a mad person.

what do they say when you let them know that their advice is not something that you are willing to make happen?

I am really really cross with your dh; he is making me so angry with his utter patheticness and uselessness. He needs to grow a pair for a start. Then he needs to look at how HE can help YOU have a better life. It's all his way at the moment. Believe, my radar for this is well honed. Promises, promises. It'll always be better next year, it'll be different next month, things'll change when.... blah blah blah. You're not horrible at all, you are desperate to get your dh to actively DO something to make your life WORTH living, and he is making empty promises.

Tell him he promised it all years ago so what is he going to do about it NOW?

OK, that might be a bit inflammatory.

I have to say Jux, I think op and her hubby are both lacking in motivation, probably both depresssed and both probably not using enough of the adult and far too much of the child in themselves, op should not expect her dh to be the one to give her worth and happiness, she should get herself to a healthy place to make things better for herself, and if he wants her to be better he should be supporting that and making it easy, maybe they both like being children and having debt and hiding behind various problems.... it is hard to tell from so few posts and not being there in rl!

Mummie - I'm working full time in order for me to retrain or else, I need my husband to earn a bit more or work part time. I'll come back later, I'm sorry if you feel I have drip feed you.

Mummie, I know it is frustrating to get even for outsider, you are starting to imagine me sitting on my fart arse doing nothing at to sort my life out

Sweetheard INANP, I have no idea about you and I can promise you hand on heart that I have never imagined you sitting on you fat arse doing nothing to sort your life out, and I am sorry if I have made you feel bad.

I have suffered and still do at tiems from depression, and I soooo understand how hard it is to motivate yourself to make life better for yourself, so please believe that i am coming at this from wanting to understand your situation and what things are holding you back, the general idea is so that you can help yourself to see a way out for yourself.

Well my first step is to go out to try to go out with my friends tonight and try not to think about it, about tomorrow..etc Just living the moment.

I know mummie you have good heart.

OP there are several issues and it can seem like a vicious circle.

Maybe writing them all down and try to address one at a time. Try and make a plan with DH? Having it in writing may help. Spoken words/promises can easily been forgotten about. It may stop you repeating yourself...you can just shove the list under his nose if he needs reminding!

A marriage is a partnership - it is not all down to you but someone has to make a start.

There has been some good advice given and I bet it helps just offloading an sharing your problems.

Loads of people helped and continue to help and support me on here (which I am grateful for!)So keep posting!!

What do you do working from home that pays so little?

Could you get a part time job in Tesco/M&S/Adsa etc -a. for the money and b. for the company?? Plus staff discounts?

You can pay your car insurance monthly by DD and you can also apy up your Income tax - phone HMCE and explain -they will do you a payment plan.

Its admi job, for a local company.
The car insurance - I know but dh refused hence us having to ask money to his parents 10 days before pay day because we were broke.

He did the same at xmas, went overboard with the dc's presents hence we were broke so had to ask his parents again.

I tought about phoning HMCE, how do I present my problem ? One of my friend did it a payment plan was put in place but when the 31rst arrived she had been told to pay everything otherwise she will be procecuted. I'd rather pay all in one go.

How do you think you need to present your problem to HMCE?

When your dh asks his parents for money, is it a gift or a loan, if a loan how is it paid back? How does he justify himself with them that he is living beyond his means? Who gets the blame for the overspending you can't afford? What do his parents do/say regarding the continual problems that you and dh have that are brought to their door?

I find it odd that instead of paying monthly dd payments your dh would rather go to his parents or add to his debt...

There is more to this no doubt!

Well as I said, we have been both crapola with money, for the car insurance, he was a twat as he knew it was coming.I told him to do dd but it would have cost 100 pounds more at the end.

When dh asks for a loan, it is a loan, which hasnt been paid back just yet.

For the hmce, if I call them, I'll say would it be possible to pay in few times as it may be difficult to pay all in one go.Yes ? No ? but as I say, I'm sure I'll be able to pay it all in one go.

Well, HMCE are in a right old mess at the moment so your chances of sorting something out are very high. Your statement could have been wrong, anyway - I know the scandal has arisen over PAYE, but what with laying off 30% of staff as well, there's bound to be huge number of errors elsewhere, too. IME they are lovely if you ring them (when you can get through). Go for it, get one problem off your plate and then look at the next one :)

Our car is cheap already, he did some mistakes but I did too. I didnt become the way I am overnight. Spending money was ahobby of mine before, I probably didnt spend huge amount in one go but I have spent average of money every day and it was not on necessity.

I was really pissed off when he did it but it was not malicious, he just didnt think. I ressent him at time for that, and it is wrong, it is noway I can move forward if I keep revisiting the past.

That's true but you need a great deal more clarity on where you are right now, where you want to be and how you're going to get there. It seems, from your posts, that you aren't able to achieve this sort of clarity with him.

This isn't about blaming. It's about blowing a hole through the fog, so you can see your way forward.

Ifgrace, yes it is exactly the problem, I'm unable to achieve any sort of clarity. I'm trying, but I'm drowning (sp).

Perfect spelling :)
He just isn't rolling up his sleeves on this, is he? In all honesty, do you think you have done your best to get him on side - or do you beat around the bush with him, never really getting to the proper conversation? I could never get XH to sit down and go through the numbers with me properly, he was always "I'll do that" and then he'd present me with a plan I saw as unworkable ...

Ok typical discussion :

Me : Dh I had a really shit day, I really cant carry on, it is too hard, I'm losing my sanity.
Him : I'm sorry you had a shit day, do you want a massage or else..
Me : No I dont want a fucking massage, I want to talk.
Him : Ok what do you want to talk about.
Me : You know perfectly well what I want to talk about.
Me : I cant take it anymore, you promised this situation will only be temporary
Him : I'm retraining (2 hours a week but it hasnt happen for a long time)
Then I start to shout, losing it, being horrible then he turns his back and doesnt say anything, take a duvet and a pillow and gos to sleep in the living room.

Hmmm, so actually the conversation doesn't happen :(

How about something more like ...
You: Your day okay? (blah blah)
Him: (blah blah blah), how are you today?
You: I seriously am losing my mind over our money worries. I've got all the figures together, will you just take a look? I want us come up with a proper plan.

What comes next??

sounds like you both want to avoid the conversation, he tries to buy you off with something nice for you to avoid the conversation and cause sabotage... you both then get to the point where he will give in to have the conversation and you then sabotage the conversation... as he has given you what you say you want, then you get what you want and to avoid it you get angry and he then has the right to avoid the conversation

oh dear, you both have communication issues by the description you have given us

I know when I have a bad day I'm shit to be around hence why this thread. We have a spreadsheet every month and it is good when we follow it and we have been doing it for few month hence we are much better now financially.

I think the problem is more complex and as I know some friends of mine are on mumsnet, I'm restraining myself to tell you everything. However, this thread is an enormous help to me.

I have an horrible opinion of myself and I'm craving to be normal.

I get the impression from the way you have been posting on here, that your communication patterns are used as a safety support for you... It seems to me that each time we manage to help you to see the problem and each time you are tip toeing on the edge of the cliff of understanding you will change the subject, ignore things or put yourself down... It is the same in the conversation example you gave us, you finally get what you want from your husband and you run from the problem...

again we are getting to the crux of the problem and you started to put yourself down in the post before Dittany's

I understand you want to protect your privacy, I do think that you are using that as an excuse to avoid the next stage of uncovering the solution to the issues

I know and I agree with you, I'm really scared about someone finding out about me.. To tell more, since I have realise the job I was doing was not for me and I felt trapped I started to drink more in the evening jsut to relax, 1 glass became a bottle. Now for few weeks, this has been control. Now, lets talk about my job, I'm a childminder, I love the children to bits but I hate being constantly at home or even just doing activities only children oriented out and my dcs are hard. Now you have got it all.