Can an Emotional Abuser change ? I'm the abuser.

[Imnotaniceperson]

Namechange here.

I have been in a relationship for 10 years, we have 2 dcs. I'm working from home and my dh works in a office.

I have been working from home for 4 years and it doesnt suit me, I'm very lonely and I find it very hard to be in charge of the dcs full time. I have been suffering of depression since I had my dcs and I'm treated for it, it does work at some levels.

I have decided to work from when my last dc was a tiny baby, dh had just made redundant so I couldnt afford not to work and paying childcare, it was supposed to be a temporary solution while dh got back on his feet. He did at some point, he went back to the old job he had before taking the job he got made redundant for. The money is not great and if I was going back to a normal office job, we will be in debt because of the childcare so I cant really change job.

In 4 years I had 3 weeks off holidays (I'm self employed), I have no family here.

Thats the background. My problem is that I ressent him and when we argue I say horrible things and he never say anything back.

I'm a nervous wreck, I never get any time off, I'm unhappy, I'm trying to change job I do but I have no confidence, I cant attend work shop as I dont have any childcare.

I became a very horrible person, my children are killing me, my relationship is killing me and I'm thinking about dying every day.
Last night, my dc woke up and wanted to sleep with me but I couldnt go back to sleep, I had a panick attack, the fact that I'm an abnormal person is killing me, the guilt as well. I'm a mad person.

Oh dear, you do hate yourself don't you? Are you still able to see how sad that is? Can you feel any sympathy for yourself, driving your life as hard as you do?

You say it would be a catastrophe if you made less money. How does that catastrophe look? What's the worst that will happen if the income goes down for a few years?

The perfectionist thing I was taking from your posts is that you want to do everything right and to do everything to stop a catastrophe and not having enough money for the things you need.

We have 30 k of debt and 2 k of taxes coming in january thats why it will be a catastrophe. Then last month dh told me he was going to have a bonus in december so I was happy, he said he was sure. Then yesterday he said not to put my hopes high as he was not sure anymore. Why did he tell me in the first place ?

I have pretty much killed off a potentially promising and lucrative career and ended up in a low paid low status public sector job - you won't be the first and won't be the last person whose life took a different direction than they intended. But sometimes mental health is more important than money, even if it unfortunately means getting into debt for a few years, as it did with me.

And I also smoke and I feel bad about it and I try to stop but the pressure is too big.

sorry - cross posted! you see I'm not convinced you are a EA - EAs don't tend to be all that bothered about upsetting their nearest and dearest but see it as acceptable if it makes them feel more in control iyswim.

don't think about giving up smoking when you feel so down, wait till you are in a better place in your head. I am a non-smoker and even I get rolly eyed at some of the guilt trip adverts they put out these days re:smoking.

blimey that is a lot of debt, I can see why you are feeling pressure, in what form is the debt?

the 30 k have been accumulated over the years due to mistakes, surprise babies etc...

I have been on the top of it for few months and we are never on the red at the end of the month anymore.

1 loan and 2 cc.

Who was in charge of household budget when the debts begain?

How much on the cc's?

Nobody was really in charge of the household budjet before. The debts began 8 years ago.

8 grands on the ccs

22 on the loan (consolidated one)

Dh is not a big spender but we played with fire I guess.

It is a joint debt.

I still smoke! Also I have much more debt than you - I got it by continuing to 'have it all' and 'do it all' beyond what was realistic. My weekly budget, now, is less than I used to spend on a meal out with friends. I would never have thought I could live like this. I'm not saying I like being poor but, you know what? I'm a much nicer person and a great deal saner than the old me. I shan't be poor for ever, this is part of my transition from non-stop-alpha-bollocks to a steady, contented life

Do you think it's good for you and DH to be hanging out with all these high-spending show-offs? (They sound like my ex friends!!)

So the cc are the one's to focus on getting down the interest must be huge, do you transfer the debt to zero interest cards?

What does playing with fire mean to you?

Have you been to the CAB? They can help you set up arrangements where you don't pay any more interest.

Dittany, I'm with you I think ... Keep posting, OP, we can help you clarify all this and see your way forwards.

Ifgrace - I think we were the same, not that we were going out much but we were not keeing a close eye on our expenditures, money goes fast.

Mummie - dh is in charge of the cc, I dont know how to get a lower rates

dittany - I'm foreigner so a type of spending will be for me to go home often, going out with my friends..spending money on crap really