Can an Emotional Abuser change ? I'm the abuser.

[Imnotaniceperson]

Namechange here.

I have been in a relationship for 10 years, we have 2 dcs. I'm working from home and my dh works in a office.

I have been working from home for 4 years and it doesnt suit me, I'm very lonely and I find it very hard to be in charge of the dcs full time. I have been suffering of depression since I had my dcs and I'm treated for it, it does work at some levels.

I have decided to work from when my last dc was a tiny baby, dh had just made redundant so I couldnt afford not to work and paying childcare, it was supposed to be a temporary solution while dh got back on his feet. He did at some point, he went back to the old job he had before taking the job he got made redundant for. The money is not great and if I was going back to a normal office job, we will be in debt because of the childcare so I cant really change job.

In 4 years I had 3 weeks off holidays (I'm self employed), I have no family here.

Thats the background. My problem is that I ressent him and when we argue I say horrible things and he never say anything back.

I'm a nervous wreck, I never get any time off, I'm unhappy, I'm trying to change job I do but I have no confidence, I cant attend work shop as I dont have any childcare.

I became a very horrible person, my children are killing me, my relationship is killing me and I'm thinking about dying every day.
Last night, my dc woke up and wanted to sleep with me but I couldnt go back to sleep, I had a panick attack, the fact that I'm an abnormal person is killing me, the guilt as well. I'm a mad person.

Yes, I think what you are telling me is that you are a childminder and don't enjoy it. I think you are telling me you have started to self medicate, i had a feeling that was the case when you were over defencive and just came out with alcohol and someone questioned you on it.

The drinking is a symptom, it is not the real problem, it is another thing like the debt that you may now focus on to avoid the real issue that you and your oh are avoiding...

you would probably get a lot out of the games people play by Eric Berne... look up the game alcoholic...

the debt is in control, the drinking is in control (I went concelling for it as I was horrified, I went to my gp and put all the cards on the table), I'm pretty scared of what the real problem is really is, what if I was really fucked up in the head ? Which enables me to sort my life out, I mean it has been 4 years, and I still didnt come up with a solution.

I think it may help you to learn that I have quietly thought a few aquantances have self medication issues with alcohol with the way they use wine to realax, they are middle class women with good responsible jobs etc... there are many people who mask the real problems in life, who will do anything to avoid looking at themselves, you have to give yourself some credit for this, you could be off blaming and damaging other people for your problems and you are not... now you need to work out what the hidden thing you don't want to face is... the secret... the fear...

well most people therapists start with the family of origin, childhood, school days, teens etc... and see what comes up...

It's really sad to see you say you're scared of people 'finding out about you'. Somebody made you feel you can never be good enough, and I'll take a guess at the bad-tempered dad.

You evidently are one hell of a high achiever, more than good enough by anyone's standards but your own. My saying that to you won't help, though, will it? I say, let's keep on clarifying issues and blowing away that fog. Then let's see how you feel about yourself :)

Thank you, you are so lovely, I tought I will get a bashing as soon as I said the childminding word. I love the children I'm looking after, they are a good bunch and I do anything I can to make them happy but I just find it so hard.

I have some issue with my past, my dad is like me, I'm like my dad. My dad was an emotional/physical abuser, he was really mean to my mum, I have seen bad things happening to my mum. He did some bad things to us (me and my brother), he was awful as a dad. I have a lot of issues but I have been told that because your dad was like that you have no excuses to be like that so it is every day battle. I hope I make sense.

I'm sorry if I'm not very clear, I'm not very articulate. Telling you about my job and my problem helps.

If grace - yes you have it right. I have tried to have therapy but it is expensive, does it even exist on the nhs ?

My dad was a hard man to leave around and sometimes he can still be hard, but I love him, I love my mother more but I still love him.

Not everyone thinks I am lovely... Well it has been obvious that you are a self blamer not someone who transfer's their stuff on to others from the start, so i got the feeling that you are fully aware that it is not safe to drink to excesss, I am sure you have beaten yourself up enough...

OK you may be interested in looking at statley homes thread to expand... you can always ask to have this tread deleted by the mods if that will put your mind at rest!

Yes you can have therapy on nhs...

mummie - I have been tempted many times to go on the stately home but some of the stories are far worse than mine.

Really how can I have therapy on the nhs ?? I need to ask my gp ?

most people think that, then they start to recover memories and get triggers and realise they have every right to be there... you will find that a lot of the people who posted on there have found you and been helping you already...

Can you please link it for me ? Are you on there as well ?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1074302-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-Dysfunctional-parents

Hi there- just read all of this, just wanted to mention an idea. If you wanted to you could (as your youngest is 3) start them at a preschool and work there. Then you'd have colleagues to chat to, a lunch break, maybe even a nursery class at your older child's school could need an assistant? I've worked in childcare before having children, and think generally with small children, it's a godsend to have other adults around, much more fun too. Or, there are groups set up for childminders to meet up. For example, at the local children's centre there is a stay and play session just for childminders and they have a good inside and outside space. Just wondered, you may do that sort of thing already. However if you are a bit down it's hard sometimes beyond the day to day routine.

Little, I tought about doing it as my youngest dd is 3 and is full time nursery but my neighbourh who was a childminder as well beat me to it !!! Teaching assistant will be the ideal job for me to be honest. I'm definitely going to apply next year !

Great! Yes I might too when my ds (2) starts school. I know a mum who is doing the TA training an afternoon a week at college and it's really good, especially as not all mums. the load will lighten, won't it, in a year or so. That's a cert, no matter what else happens.

Nice person

I do not for one minute think that you are an emotional abuser.
I know what emotional abuse is (H).
An abuser is someone with a huge sense of entitlement, they blame everything on other people, they do not take responsibility for their actions.

I think you are seriously depressed.
Everything you have said points to severe stress/anxiety and depression.

You express this via anger. I note that the majority of this anger is directed at yourself. Again this is typical of depression.

Mood swings are typical of depression and not coping.

While it is extremely difficult to live with a depressed person, because they can exhibit abusive behaviour - they are not typical emotional abusers IYKWIM (though they can be too of course).

I also see that your H seems to be incapable of supporting you with your depression. Actions not words are what is needed.

You have accepted that on occasions you have reacted badly, you are taking steps to help your family via medication, thinking about counselling and trying to tackle your finances. None of these things are typical of an 'emotional abuser' such as is described in the link you posted.

I think you need to rethink your medication with a gp (20mg is not a high dose for example, perhaps it can be increased) and you need to sit your H down and hammer out concrete ways to relieve the stress in your life.
He needs to take over childcare completely for a while at weekends to give you a proper break (i.e. a whole day fairly frequently), and he needs to face up to your financial situation and look for immediate ways to resolve/tackle things (imho he seems a bit feckless with money still, whereas you are now more responsible).

Yep - it's very hard, this loving someone who bullied you, isn't it? (I've been there, too.) If you think about it, that gives a kind of logic to the way you act with H, doesn't it? You love your dad even though he bullies you - so, to you, it's reasonable to expect your partner to love you despite your bullying? I'm not willing to try and push you anywhere while you have so much to deal with, but I've got one suggestion for you. Think about your dad shouting at you - or watch him doing it, if it's going to happen anytime soon - and ask yourself what you'd think if this was a man you didn't know. See if that casts any light on anything ...

I'm glad newname mentioned your Citalopram dose. I thought it seemed low, too.

Hope today goes OK for you :)

Thank you ! I have increased this dose from 10 to 20, do you think I should increase again ? My childhood is something I'm trying to think about as it is a sore point. I have tried to discuss about it with my parents now that my dad is in much better place but I think they are in denial so I dont talk about it again as there is no point. When I explode, I see /hear my dad being a c..t and that is why I hate myself so much. He broke my hurt into tiny pieces everytime he was horrible to us and to my mum, he made us live in fear, walking on eggs shell. When I think about it, I was always more or less depress since I was a child and unable to cope. I had prozac by the age of 15 !

Niceperson - You need to discuss this with a gp, but increasing the dose from 20 to 40 mg made a huge difference to me. I'm now on a lower dose again.

Your childhood has had a huge effect on you (I too had depression as a young teenager) and I suspect you have not had good role models for handling stress. Thus, you don't know how to respond to it in a healthy fashion.

You are turning everything back on yourself and blaming yourself for being useless/dreadful/hopeless etc.

The reality is you do have huge stresses in you life that are not being addressed by those who should be supportive.

I know it is hard, but taking small steps is the way. Go to the gp, discuss medication. Talk to your H about how he can help in PRACTICAL ways as well as emotional ones.

Has your dh discussed his childhood, and feelings towards his parents?

Sorry I'm back, I'm in tears and I need your opinion again. So, on saturday, I was due to go with dh to see his friends and I was willing.

However, on friday evening, I had a blow, one of the mum's mindee gave me notice, she wanted to decreased drasticly (sp?) her hours, which means a smaller income just before christmas. The child in question is not very healthy and the mum is pregnant and under a lot of pressure.

I was devastated as she was not due to decrease her hours until march.

I have explain everything to dh, my worries etc..

I'm open about my problems.

The day after, I really didnt feel going to his friends, see reasons above, I was feeling down.

The reason he gave to his friends of why I didnt come : she is feeling under the weather.

Why not telling the thruth ??? Is the thruth taboo ?? I'm struggling, it is very difficult to cope.

Why not saying the thruth ????

bump

How sad for the mother of the child you care for, she has an unwell child, is pregnant and no doubt has had to leave her own job, it must have taken a lot out of you to support her through her hurt and her having to make changes to suit her child's needs, no doubt she must be so very worried about her career and income considering the situation was not of her making and she has a new baby to think of too, what a horrible stress for her, and then you had to deal with the loss of income too, what a shock!

What have you done for yourself to help yourself, you have had lots of advice, what have you decided to do?

I do I'm worried about her and I'm not upset at all with her at all. I'm just at loss about what to do to be honest. I did support her and I dont regret one thing. I want my mindee happy and the futur baby and mummy healthy.

I am depressed but I care deeply about the children I'm caring for (and their mums).

I do my best but I'm depressed. Should it be taboo ?