Can an Emotional Abuser change ? I'm the abuser.

[Imnotaniceperson]

Namechange here.

I have been in a relationship for 10 years, we have 2 dcs. I'm working from home and my dh works in a office.

I have been working from home for 4 years and it doesnt suit me, I'm very lonely and I find it very hard to be in charge of the dcs full time. I have been suffering of depression since I had my dcs and I'm treated for it, it does work at some levels.

I have decided to work from when my last dc was a tiny baby, dh had just made redundant so I couldnt afford not to work and paying childcare, it was supposed to be a temporary solution while dh got back on his feet. He did at some point, he went back to the old job he had before taking the job he got made redundant for. The money is not great and if I was going back to a normal office job, we will be in debt because of the childcare so I cant really change job.

In 4 years I had 3 weeks off holidays (I'm self employed), I have no family here.

Thats the background. My problem is that I ressent him and when we argue I say horrible things and he never say anything back.

I'm a nervous wreck, I never get any time off, I'm unhappy, I'm trying to change job I do but I have no confidence, I cant attend work shop as I dont have any childcare.

I became a very horrible person, my children are killing me, my relationship is killing me and I'm thinking about dying every day.
Last night, my dc woke up and wanted to sleep with me but I couldnt go back to sleep, I had a panick attack, the fact that I'm an abnormal person is killing me, the guilt as well. I'm a mad person.

I dont think he ignores my cries for help I think he is helpless.

Unless I get sectionned into an hospital or something.

I'm not surprised you are feeling so trapped . When I was depressed I took it out on whoever I could - and that was DH regardless of whether he 'deserved' it or not.

would you like to get sectioned into a hospital?

Disclaimer regarding everything I have told you, I'm not distressed as I'm typing, not pissed and I dont thing an argument is not brewing between dh and I. You are helping me a lot, thank you so much for that.

I'm off to take a bath, will come back later Thank you so much.

Mummie - I'll be helped I think, I cant afford a therapy and I cant go concelling as they dont have the time I need.

Dittany- I'm going to try to find a thread where I got completely trashed for feeling like that. I will come back later

a bath sounds like a good idea, enjoy it x

How are you going to be helped if you don't see your gp and get free nhs counselling at a time that suits your family and work? most men would ensure they adjusted their working hours to ensure their wife was not placed in a psychiatric ward, unless that is what you both want?

You are NOT a failure. You are a nice person. If you were not then you wouldn't care and have started this thread.

We all need people around us and you sound like you have become isolated through circumstance and no fault of your own.

Maybe chat to your GP about counselling or some low dose meds. (I take them and they have helped me get the energy to change a few things in my life) Me and DP are getting along better rather than arguing and me crying every day!

This is just a blip..you can get through this. You need a break.

Have you got any family you can talk to as well?

Us lot here are all ears too..

I find it helps offloading on MN. You get honest help or opinions.

Please see someone, you will feel better I am sure. It is effing hard to take the first step thats all.

I don't think you should assume that OP's dh is just sitting back and letting her shoulder it all. It could be that he is as overwhelmed, but showing it differently. His passivity when under attack from the OP could be the only way he has of demonstrating his love, respect for, and tolerance of his dw. (My first depression frightened my dh, and he felt guilty and ineffectual - he felt he had failed me. I didn't know this until I had recovered, and he felt able to admit it.)

OP, you appear to have a very low opinion of yourself. Can you tell us something you have done well, however small?

dittany - I dont self medicate anymore, it made everything worst and it became boring and it is also really expensive. One less thing to worry about, thats positive.

Little - I'm on citalopram 20 and it does help but I still have bad episodes.

Pretty - I think I agree with dh is overwelmed but he has promised so many things and failled to keep his promises.

Something that I have done well...against the odds, I have managed to make a life for myself abroad (England) even if now I'm questionning my choices.

Can I add another couple of things, Imnot?

Something you mentioned earlier: "I have been on the top of it for few months and we are never on the red at the end of the month anymore."

That is an achievement! And demonstrates that you are an achiever - in a field that is very important, even if not pleasurable.

Another personal, praiseworthy achievement: you are communicating with us in a language that is not your mother-tongue. Doing so clearly and expressively. How many of us could do that? I can't, and I was brought up bilingual!

Thank you pretty, you are very kind !

PrettyC is right!! I am impressed! I would never have the guts to move abroad.

I am on Citalopram too. I still have down days. But maybe you need a different dosage or another type.

Also, we often lash out at the people we love the most. Dont feel too guilty. But you can get help with this. He obviously loves you and wants you to get better but doesnt know what to do thats all.

Dont be too hard on yourself.

thank you for your kindness, I'll have to read this thread on my down days

I wonder how op is going to see her gp and I wonder how she will organise childcare to go and have therapy?

I dont know what stopping him, I cant force him finding a better job, he says he has been training and I did see him but he hasn't been doing lately.

Mummie : I also wonder...when I'm sick I'm on my own with the children

what happens at weekends? do you get any time away from the kids or the chores?

How are you going to fix your life then INANP? other than taking anti depressants and not overspending for a few months, what are you going to do to fix things for yourself? What help are you going to enlist?

OP just a few practical ideas that might help.

Do you know about the Money Saving Expert forum - in particular the debt free wannabe section I've linked to.

You can set out on there debts owed and money coming in and monthly expenditure and people will give you tips and practical support.

Smoking - do you know that you could ask your doctor for nicotine replacement drugs - prescriptions would be cheaper than the cigarettes!

How old are your DCs. You can have 15 hours per week termtime childcare from the term after they turn 3 years old. Are you using this?

A big flag for me is you saying that you can't possibly be a perfectionist because you are a failure - read this and google "perfectionism and failure".

Who is doing the housework here. Any one looking after children at home is working -you are also working on your business.

You and your DH are both working - therefore all the cooking/cleaning etc should be shared equally.

Does your DH have any leisure time?

What does your daily - weekday and weekend schedule look like?

Do you need advice on your business - eg from business link?

MN has a freelancers/self-employed topic.

You sound understandably overwhelmed at life at the moment.

niceperson I want to thank you for starting this thread. Reading about your troubles has made me realise that the reason I was being abusive was the huge pressure I was under and the lack of support I got from my DH. I am able to see that I was behaving that way because of the circumstances and not because I am a permanently flawed human being. You are the same I think. It will get better if you permit yourself to be cherished and looked after, even if you have to do it yourself.