Can an Emotional Abuser change ? I'm the abuser.

[Imnotaniceperson]

Namechange here.

I have been in a relationship for 10 years, we have 2 dcs. I'm working from home and my dh works in a office.

I have been working from home for 4 years and it doesnt suit me, I'm very lonely and I find it very hard to be in charge of the dcs full time. I have been suffering of depression since I had my dcs and I'm treated for it, it does work at some levels.

I have decided to work from when my last dc was a tiny baby, dh had just made redundant so I couldnt afford not to work and paying childcare, it was supposed to be a temporary solution while dh got back on his feet. He did at some point, he went back to the old job he had before taking the job he got made redundant for. The money is not great and if I was going back to a normal office job, we will be in debt because of the childcare so I cant really change job.

In 4 years I had 3 weeks off holidays (I'm self employed), I have no family here.

Thats the background. My problem is that I ressent him and when we argue I say horrible things and he never say anything back.

I'm a nervous wreck, I never get any time off, I'm unhappy, I'm trying to change job I do but I have no confidence, I cant attend work shop as I dont have any childcare.

I became a very horrible person, my children are killing me, my relationship is killing me and I'm thinking about dying every day.
Last night, my dc woke up and wanted to sleep with me but I couldnt go back to sleep, I had a panick attack, the fact that I'm an abnormal person is killing me, the guilt as well. I'm a mad person.

Life feels out of control, and you have to keep running just to stay upright. You run and run and run, but seemingly get nowhere.

You cannot force things around you to change, not situations, nor people.

There is only one thing over which you have control, and that is yourself. Change has to come from within. You can have help and support, but you yourself must choose to make the changes.

And the first thing you can do is to be kind to yourself.

You say you can't be a perfectionist because you are 'a failure'. Of course you are a perfectionist, and that is the proof. If you were not a perfectionist then you would not consider every little flaw to be an indication of failure.

Take the same high standards you use for criticising yourself, and apply them to praising yourself.

Did a child anger you, but you managed to respond calmly? That is worthy of praise.

If you said something in anger, did you later apologise and extend a gesture of love and affection? That is worthy of praise.

Did your children go to sleep tonight in a warm house, with full stomachs, brushed teeth and a bedtime story? God know that is definitely worthy of praise! It's one of the toughest jobs in our lives.

Did you take a moment for yourself, and give yourself the love and cherishing you so clearly deserve? That is worthy of praise.

Be kind to yourself.

Once you truly believe that you are worth prioritising, you will find alternatives that may make life easier for you. But unless you believe that it is difficult to see anything but obstacles to change.

How old are your dds? I work full time, in an office. Sometimes I have to work at home (evenings and weekends - phone/email). Ds is 6 and lets me get on with it as it is usually pretty quick to deal with, or I get rid of it quickly. I could not begin to contemplate doing my full-time job at home with ds around all day. When we were snowed in and school was closed I worked from home - I walked ds round to my mum's and he spent the day there.

What support does your husband give re childcare - your posts read as if you do everything.

I reckon I'd be pretty hard to live with if I had to deal with everything myself. I'm a single parent but ds is at school during the day and I'm at work. I reckon if we were together all day every day and I was also working from home I'd be on here posting about what a dreadful person I am and how I'm going mad. You sound perfectly normal to me but you really need to make some changes in your life.

lovely post prettycandles

it chimes with me as I am a failure perfectionist success also!

Hi ! Thank you very much for your posts, I'm really touched, I'm alright, I feel even right now, not happy, not unhappy. My dds are 6 and 3, the 3 years old is hard.

I didnt really speak to dh yesterday, not that I was pissed off or anything just didnt feel like talking.

This morning he said he is going to cancel the gathering with his friends as he sees that I'm tired. Also and that is bad, he said that I should take a week off work soon and replace my earnings with some money from the credit card.Bad.I think he is trying.

What do you want him to do help you? If he is overwhelmed by things and by your reaction to them, perhaps you need to spell it out.

I do tell him and he always say yes things to change, I promise you that next year you'll only be working 3 days or you'll be able to change job..He said that last year and the year before so I became bitter because I tought we had an agreement. Also I know it is the recessession (sp?) so it makes it difficult.

Have only read 1st page, so apologies if I'm out of step, but just wanted to make one comment.

You call yourself an abuser. Its not for me (or anyone here) to say you're wrong, but by the same token I don't like it when people use labels like this, either for themselves or for others.

It comes up a lot on MN that the moment someone displays signs of abusive behaviour they are called an abuser. In some ways that's understandable (and in some situations it is correct). Most of the time however - and I think this is the case with you - what we're really talking about is people in exceptionally difficult circumstances struggling to cope and sometimes lashing out or behaving in a way that they know is wrong but feel they can't help. Is it abusive? Maybe, but I can't help but feel that to simply label yourself an abuser means that you are losing part of the battle already. Its a term that gets bandied around too frequently for my liking.

I would say you're someone who is struggling to manage under exceptionally difficult circumstances. I'm afraid I have no advice for you beyond: stop labelling yourself like this. There will be a way out of the rest of this situation in time, I'm sorry I can't suggest what it is. Good luck.

Hi Deep,

thank you for taking the time to post, I have labelled myself an abuser as I have been horrible to my dh. What if it was him having the hard time and lashing at me...I probably would have leave him. He says he is walking on eggsshell when he is around me but I'm not every day like that, so why the fear.

You may well have been horrible to your husband at times. Everyone here accepts that they are not perfect in any of their relationships. In really difficult times those imperfections become something a little more serious and it sounds like that's where you are now. The thing is, you are able to recognise these issues and - as much of a cliche as it is - that is the first step to dealing with them.

Ask yourself whether you want to see yourself as a) an abuser, or b) someone who has recognised that they can sometimes behave abusively and is taking the first difficult steps to try and deal with it.

I realise it doesn't trip off the tongue so easily, but that's the point about most labels we give ourselves: they're just glib terms that reduce us to far less than we really are.

Alongside abuser, you could label yourself as someone who is really trying to change, someone who is doing their best to look after their kids but struggling, someone who wants to love their husband better than they are doing at the moment. Suddenly, you're in the same categories as millions of other Mums. Not so bad that way is it?

Much of what you have written is very familiar to me. You are not a horrid person for behaving as you do; if you were, you would not recognise this as behaviour you would like to change.

I have been self-employed and working from home for 10 years while also looking after DC. Just you and the computer is isolating and saps your self-confidence.

My exP is a high achiever who is often away during the week and at weekends. When he did tip up it probably took me about 10 min before I started shouting and criticizing. He is now an exP.

I now try and combine my self-employed work with office-based short-term contracts (recently completed a 2-day a week maternity cover). It gets me out of the house and I have 'colleagues'; also a self-esteem boost getting the jobs and learning new skills. I am with an agency who will flag up suitable jobs for me.

I have found this arrangement works regarding the DC, as I have plucked up the courage to ask friends to cover when I need it and then return the favour when I can. ExP also does his share in the holidays.

Obviously it will depend on what you do whether there are similar opportunities. Like me you are in London and
that should make it easier than if you were out in the sticks.

Lots of us are/have been in your situation and feel/behave the same way as you do. I hope you can find a better balance, with part of the week at least about you.

Thank you so much under and deep, what you are saying makes me feel better. I would love to have a job outside the house, learning new skills and oh having colleagues, that will be great. I'm actively looking but at the moment there is no much. I'm going to try to take part to a workshop hosted by workformum and maybe take it from there.

Nice person, that sounds very positive (and you could polish up your CV even if there is nothing immediately to apply for).

If I'm honest I think I held myself back a bit from changing a work set up that I did not like (and was not good for me), justifying this by believing that everything would fall apart for DC. Surprising how there is more leverage to get DCs' father to take responsibility for some of the holidays once you are working out of the house

It is interesting that in response to things your husband is telling you to take a week off work and that he plans to cover the loss of income by adding to the credit card debt, it is like entrapping you and punishing you for taking a week off, and making the bigger problem worse by offering a short term solution, is he an impulsive, sabotager in general? I just find it odd that the very thing debt that is trapping you in your job, is the very thing that your dh wants to increase! I really don't understand why you can't just decrease your expenditure to make up for the short fall in income, not give your family/friends/children as much at Christmas that sort of thing, I don't get just carry on the same spending habbit and increase the debt attitude!

Yes the holidays, I could with some help, dh never takes time off for the holidays. I have just spoke to him and I have told him some of the things you lot told me on this thread. He said we need to budget so I can have holidays, well I have tried to do that and if I start again to save once the taxes are paying I know the car insurance to renew is looming. He also said he doesnt know how to act between my mood swings, one day I'm happy and optimistic and one day I'm really down. How can I help him understand, he really doesnt seem to understand, I'm always repeating myself.

INANP, so you have communicated with your dh and you feel frustrated with the conversations and feel he does not understand and that you are always repeating yourself.

Can I ask, you are telling us that he never takes time off for the holidays, did you state this to him or was it a resentment you are holding on to and telling us? if you bring it up with him what does he say?

It is really positive that your dh thinks you need to budget to take holidays, have you both discussed how this will come about?

You state you have done the budgeting, you ssay that once you pay off the tax in January you will have to pay car insurance, I know it works out a bit more expensive, you can always pay that monthly by dd if that helps!

Regarding your mood swings, he says he finds it hard to cope and behave? is he stating it or looking for an answer from you as to how he should behave?

I wonder what quality of communication is going on with you both, and if you are both listening and communicating well with one another?

I have not read everything so sorry if I repeat things. I have been in similar situations and it sounds to me like you have a bit of depression or stress going on there. It does sound as though your husband is trying to do his best but sometimes these things are hard to understand. Sometimes you don't even understand yourself so its impossible for anyone else to and this leads on to lonliness and isolation.
I know this might not solve all the problems but I would go and talk to the Doctor and see if you can can some medical help just to see you through this time. I am only saying this because I have been on some medication for depression for a couple of years now and it has totally chaged my life and my perspective, even my reason for living. Might sound pretty sad but I believe that if there is a way then take it. It does not chage you' does not make you stupidly delirious but brings that normal' calmer person again.

Nice person, from what you write I don't think it is really about holidays per se, but rather about self-esteem.

Being self-employed and working from home certainly makes things easier for DCs (and DH) but it is so isolating.

After 10 years what I needed was to work in the company of the others for some of the week at least. I don't actually earn any more this way; I do it for myself (although a few days paid holiday is lovely).

Perhaps this is the message you need to give your DH - you need to do some work outside the house for your sense of self-esteem and achievement. To do this you will need some help and flexibility from him - at least initially as it can feel like a big step to take when you have been used to top and tailing every day looking after DC. Could he take DC to school occasionally, take time off during the holidays when you need to work? Try and negotiate a small shift in responsibilities; hopefully it will reep dividends for both of you in evening out your mood.

My ex was always saying he wanted to help me through a difficult time, and coming up with good ideas. When I asked for discussion on how we would make those things happen, he said I should trust him and was being unreasonable. I only found out later that this is a classic abuse/control tactic - it's in the 'heartless bitch' article, OP.

Just saying.

I had another chat with dh earlier on and we still moving forward, I had to hung up before getting in a state. I was alright afterwards,no tears.

He said that he understsand the situation that it will change one day. He knows I'm depressed but he does everything he can to help, the dishes, the laundry (we also have a cleaner), he does look after the children a bit more in the week end, what else can he do ?

Yes what else can he do ? I have to wait for that "day" when everything is going to change.

I am repeating myself.

OP I may have missed this info...where are his family?

This may seem like a token thing but can no one look after the DCs so you and DH can have an afternoon together. And just do something nice for yourselves...? Give you something to look forward to.

I know this wont fix anything but it may lift spirits for a bit?

His parents are in england but they dont like looking after the dcs by themself and they lose their cool pretty quickly with them.

We are invited to a dinner party soon that is something to look forward to !!

That is good about the dinner party.

Shame about his parents. I would have thought they would be glad to help out. I do think you should have a chat with your GP though. You need people around you to help.
not easy I know but something has got to give.

I really feel for you, it must be hard.

Do you have any friends through DCs friends parents?

Undermyskin talks sense about sharing responsibilites.

I have a lot of friends from school and we go out sometimes together, they know that I'm depressed (to a certain extent), they see my puffy eyes in the morning, they take the dcs for playdates sometimes which helps, they listen as well, try to give me some tips etc...I'm lucky in a way.

what have your dc's mum's tips been?

To retrain mainly but for this I need the time and the money.