The next 12 hours

[Halloqueen]

Today my dp ends his 3 month emotional affair with a woman he met at a business meeting. They exchanged numbers, he was bored one day at work, text her, met for lunch, found out they had much in common and they clicked.
His relationship with me never faltered only that he worked a few extra hours every couple of days. Which was nothing out if the ordinary. He admitted all this to me when she started demanding more and more of his time and he realised things had gone way further than he'd intended. He says he loves me as he always has, wasnt unhappy at home...it just happened. He promises he intended no more than friendship but knew he'd started having feelings for her.
So today after work he's meeting her for drinks to tell her he loves me and 3dc's and they can't carry on any further. He says he owes her more than a ten minute see ya have a nice life because she is a nice person and he has to do this 'his way' but promises me he will cut all contact tonight.

It was hard enough to accept he'd do this and to have the strength to stay but he's a good man, me and 3dc's are his world and I know he will work hard to provd this but still the thought of tonight scares me. The thought of him meeting her...
He's set off to work looking smart and I have to sit here knowing he's meeting her after work, not sure if he'll be an hour late or if it'll be a few hours and just twisting myself up worrying she'll manage to change his mind. Will he kiss her 'one last time' will there be a long tearful goodbye? My brain won't let me stop thinking. Need to get thru next 12 hours. How do I do it without going insane???

Ohh that's horrible for you :(

is there anything you can do to distract yourself? go and wander round a shopping centre, meet a friend? anything!

I've been in your shoes and it is torturous :(((

I wish I had some advice for you but I don't and I didn't want to read and run so I'll give you an un-MNlike hug while you wait for someone who can help to come along.

((hugs))

X-posted, sorry!

Gah. You're a better woman than me. I'm afraid there is no way my DH would get a cosy and romantic long goodbye. If he was meeting her, she'd find me there too.

That's horrid.

To be honest, I'd be laying down some of my own groundrules. Ie you need to know when he'll be home. He isn't to kiss her. I realise you've thought long and hard about this and have agreed to the meet but he owes you the courtesy of coming back to you when he says he will. This will send the right message to her as well.

This is a nonsense. An email would suffice. And should be compounded by a change of mobile number.

Call him and tell him how it is. Which is that he's sending her an email now, blank carbon copied to you, explaining that drinks this evening are off because the relationship has become inappropriate and he feels that their friendship is something that a married person should not be doing. And making it clear that this is the last non-business contact they will have.

Don't let him turn this into Brief Encounter. You come first. He is treating you very badly and frankly sod what your H and this woman want. Both are kidding themselves this is an OK thing to do and the sooner they see it for what it is the better for all of you.

He is retaining an awful lot of power for someone who's made this bad a mistake. I suspect you weren't as angry as you could have been. Forgive me, but do you have low self-esteem? That's a query, not a criticism...

Your being unbelievably lenient with him! He doesn't owe her a long goodbye, she was making demands on him and he feels like he 'owes her'! Your his wife for goodness sake, its you he owes and he should start with a bit of respect and consideration. He goes off this morning 'looking smart' and no timescale for calling of this so called emotional affair? Well I hope she doesnt suggest "lets just sleep together this once so we won't always be wondering what it could have been like". I'm sorry but I think he is being really mean to you and unless I was going with him to meet her or he had a very strict timeline with her I would be absolutely fuming!

Erm, he's being an arse.

How dare he make you feel this way. He owes her very little, only courtesy and a polite email.

the bit that is wrong is "he's meeting her for drinks " and he "owes her".

no - he owes you.

as was said - email to her BC you.
no drinks, no kiss goodbye. end of.

I hate to be mean but I agree with anotherpointofview What if this is a last fling?

He owes you the world and her nothing. I'd make that clear.

Sorry, but have to agree with people above. The time he is giving her should be given to you and the rebuilding of your relationship. There's another current thread with some great advice about rebuilding relationships after an affair, so I won't go into loads of detail but the bottom line is that your relationship/trust is unlikely to progress until there is a clean break. By agreeing to 'one last meeting' he is compunding your pain and delaying the rebuilding process. An email would suffice. Also agree with the comments about a change of phone number, and you have the right to ask for proof that his current number has been terminated.

On a more positive note, just want to say that I have a huge amount of respect for the fact that you are willing to work on your relationship after such a breach of trust. Its a testament to your character and - strangely, under the circumstances - a testament to your relationship as well. All the best in the weeks/months/years to come.

Totally agree. He's being self-indulgent. In his own mind, he thinks he's "being fair to her". But what he really wants is an ego boost, by seeing her weep quietly and say how wonderful he is to meet up with her to explain, and how she'll always be there for him. (Of course the reality of the meeting would no doubt be different.)

He just needs a short email, blind copied to you. End of. You are way too nice.

One last kiss means he kissed her before, therefor not an emotional affair.

I hate to come across brutal but honestly, he is playing you like a violin! Why on earth do you think its reasonable that he sees her one last time (hmm) in person, and to hell with your feelings? He has betrayed you and lied to you, and yet you think this is reasonable, tonight?

Not in any way reasonable. If this is a friendship, he can email her. Load of rubbish.

deepheat can I ask you what you mean that its a testament to op's relationship that she is willing to work at this?

Do you mean it must be such a great relationship that she is wise to fight for it?

I was discussing this with a man the other day, and he said 'do you end it with sex, or with talking about why you can't continue? And isn't talking a bit 'dull'?'

I said the same to him - if you really want to give it up, it's like smoking - you make the decision, and from that moment it doesn't matter to you any more, you can just quit. No final fling, no seeing the person for a last weep. You chuck it immediately.

If your DH is still wanting to meet her one last time, then in his mind, it isn't finished.

You know what, I agree completely with all the posters above. Think Longtalljosie had it with Brief Encounter. DH has cast himself as noble man, strong in the face of the Nazis temptation. But of couse OW still finds him irresistable because, well he is, isn't he

That said, OP has (for whatever reason) already agreed for him to go. It's happening tonight. In the real world, I don't think that there is enough time for the "this meeting is totally out of order" discussion to happen now. I know many of you may disagree however, and you may well be right.

But the "be back here by X and don't lay a bloody finger on her or it's over and I'll change the locks" message has to get through ASAP IMO.

I dont know if he's kissed her before I just think it's the way my mind is working. He's already explained to her that his future lies with me and the children and she'd said she expected it but wanted a drink to say goodbye properly. I totally agree that he owes her nothing and me everything but this is the kind of person he is and he says he has the rest of our lives to make it up to me. I'm trying very hard to accept this is how he wants to deal with it and he accepts it's hard for me. No I don't have low self esteem I am simply trying as hard as he is to save something that has meant the world
to both of us. I just want tonight to be over with. He won't see her for business either as she was from another company so it was just a chance meeting. I know I should have pushed to be there but I'm not sure I could have dealt with it tbh. I assure you I haven't been lenient. My main concern is how to cope
tonight until he gets in. He seems sad to be cutting contact but he knows he has to for us to carry on.

Um there are no Nazis in Brief Encounter? (Casablanca?).

Anyway OP you are indulging your hubby big time with this one. He sounds like a prize tool needing a 'proper' goodbye with his bit on the side .

perfumedlife Just saying that for OP to want to work at the relationship despite what has happened then there must be something very worthwhile to work for. He has obviously made a royal fuck up, but I just don't think that it automatically makes every other aspect of the relationship bad. Not suggesting its 'such a great relationship' right now, but that it seems like it has the potential to be that again sometime. Also not for me to suggest that she is 'wise to fight for it'. That's OP's call obviously. Would equally understand if she chose to leave.

He has the rest of his life to make it up to you, eh? So in the meantime he's going out with another woman tonight. He needs a kick in the nuts, tbh.

Not acceptable to 'have to meet her in person one last time'. Totally unnecessary and I think you are being too accommodating. He should send her an email. He is dragging it out and putting you through a further ordeal. Just so he can be 'nice' to her.

(Bunny - no I was going for general WW2 stoicism in face of The Enemy and Manly Strength. Just googled though and it was made in 1945 so only just squeezes under the wire...)

Sorry for hijack OP. Do let us know how you are getting on.

He could end this instantly NOW in the next few minutes by sending off an email.

You are truly indulging him, you know that??

Bloody hell, confessed to EA and still calling the shots?

An email or phone call in front of you would suffice, meeting up for drinks is totally unnecessary and you should rightly be worried.

What steps is he taking to show his commitment to you and your DC?