The next 12 hours

[Halloqueen]

Today my dp ends his 3 month emotional affair with a woman he met at a business meeting. They exchanged numbers, he was bored one day at work, text her, met for lunch, found out they had much in common and they clicked.
His relationship with me never faltered only that he worked a few extra hours every couple of days. Which was nothing out if the ordinary. He admitted all this to me when she started demanding more and more of his time and he realised things had gone way further than he'd intended. He says he loves me as he always has, wasnt unhappy at home...it just happened. He promises he intended no more than friendship but knew he'd started having feelings for her.
So today after work he's meeting her for drinks to tell her he loves me and 3dc's and they can't carry on any further. He says he owes her more than a ten minute see ya have a nice life because she is a nice person and he has to do this 'his way' but promises me he will cut all contact tonight.

It was hard enough to accept he'd do this and to have the strength to stay but he's a good man, me and 3dc's are his world and I know he will work hard to provd this but still the thought of tonight scares me. The thought of him meeting her...
He's set off to work looking smart and I have to sit here knowing he's meeting her after work, not sure if he'll be an hour late or if it'll be a few hours and just twisting myself up worrying she'll manage to change his mind. Will he kiss her 'one last time' will there be a long tearful goodbye? My brain won't let me stop thinking. Need to get thru next 12 hours. How do I do it without going insane???

he has really really hurt you, right now he should be dong everything possible to show you how sorry he is and working bloody damn hard to prove it.

it would be ultimate time for me i am afraid.

her or me.

he needs to understand that what he is planning on doing is completely inappropriate.

Jeez Halloqueen, I feel so angry for you.

Nip it in the bud now. Really now. IIWU I would ring him at work and tell him he is not to meet her, at all, ever. He is to come home from work at the time you would normally expect him to, or he will find the door bolted and his clothes on the front lawn. He should fecking well think himself lucky you haven't kicked him out anyway. Emotional affair? What the feck does that mean anyway?

Please wake up and don't allow him to treat you with such thoughtlessness and disrespect. You are his wife, you are the mother of his children and the person who makes a home for him. He has made you feel powerless in all this, but you are not, you hold all the cards that hold his life together, she is just some silly tart offering an alternative shag.

If she is a manipulative person as you say, do you think she will sit quietly and let him tell her he's not going to see her again and walk away? She's going to be all guns blazing for a big reunion and probably a good session if she can get it. I'm sorry but do you not think that's what she'll try to turn the meeting into if she knows it's her last chance?

You need to start calling the shots, you really do. No more meetings.

I really feel for you and I'm sorry if I sound horrible. You are a better person than all of this shit and do not have to just go along with it.

doing not dong

and ultimatum not ultimate

sorry i am very cross for you and my typing has gone haywire.

i agree, her career is totaly irrelevant here.

what IS relevant is his need to have 'one last drink'.

Hands up anyone who's been at the end of a bad relationship and begged for 'one last drink'/'one last phone call'/'one last shag'?

I have

And it was crap

All it did was drag out the inevitable but give me a feeling of power when my ex came to meet me.

This is what is happening here, honey.

and Chicken, need any help with the kicking?

I have been asked for "one last drink" etc after ending a relationship. I said no, but if he was still bothered in a month's time he could give me a call and we could go for a drink then while I told him exactly why I'd broken up with him.

Shockingly, this didn't seem to be what he had in mind.

You just need to say to him "you've ended it with her, how is she going to get the message if you accept her invitation?"

"All I know is tonight us very...him." - and I expect to you this means he is the kind of person you want to be married to, but he's not.

E-mail him, call him, say he owes you that time not her.

I hate to be blunt but if you don't put your foot down now, he will do this again, either with her or someone else, because it's too easy.

No matter what you said to him before he went, you are allowed to change your mind.

Emotional affair? Yeah, right.

Call him and tell him to cancel.

It's a joke, tbh.

He shouldn't be seeing her, phone call is enough. Instead he'll be sitting with her in some cozy bar for hours.

And PS - sorry but IMO you won't 'get through this without going insane' unless you stop this now.

I think I will have to text him and ask him to call me (can't call him at work) maybe I will ask if I can be there tonight although I know the answer. It's just awful knowing she'll know I don't want him there but he's going anyway.

"I'm really unhappy with you going along tonight. You've ended it with her, how is she going to get the message if you accept her invitation?"

practice.

And if you don't feel you can do this, please please please do put a time limit on it. I notice you started this thread at 12ish - does that mean you are anticipating him being out until late, midnight?

An hour, tops. So if he finishes work at 6, you want him home by say 8, including travelling etc. He cannot refuse you this.

Don't you dare ask permission. You tell him what is going to happen now. He is no longer in charge, do you hear me? Bloody hell, I am raging on your behalf. Please channel my fury.

I've been wondering for a few weeks what would tip me over from lurking to joining the site. This has done it.

Halloqueen, please listen to the very good advice you are being given here. Tell your OH that under no circumstances is he to see this woman after work. Not today and not any other day. He e-mails her with a bc to you (as has been previously suggested) and cancels this meeting. He comes straight home to you and to his children. End of story.

I'm not being unsympathetic. I feel for you. But only you have the power to stop this now.

Why do you say 'ask'? Don't 'ask', 'tell'!

You can take control of the situation, please be brave, take a deep breath and tell him what he has to do.

I'm wondering from the way you're talking if you have got into a cycle of him calling the shots for so many years that you dare not have your own opinion anymore? If that's the case, then now would be a good time to start x

Don't ask him anything. You don't need his permission. You also don't need to be there.

He has already ended it. He doesn't need to see her again. End of.

Tell him to come straight home after work.

Do not concern yourself about what she thinks of you, it's completely irrelevant. Concern yourself about where your partner's priorities are and that he knows he's hurting you and is doing it anyway.

I am so angry for you! I wish I knew where he was going to be meeting her - I would piss in her G&T and kick him in the bollocks.

There is a nut-kicking queue, MooMooFarm. Bagsy first wallop.

There is only one thing to say here imvho and that is "if you go and meet this woman, then do not come home afterwards". Maybe it would be the shock he needs and wholly unexpected as you seem to be quite passive in regards to this and I wonder if this is what he is used to in your relationhip ie that he does what he wants and you don't ssy anything so as not to make a scene.

I am really shocked by this and it takes a lot to shock me relationship wise, having been married to the biggest pig in the history of the world.

OP you seem to be numb to what is actually going on here. What are you so scared of?

You are getting good advice here and everyone is saying the same thing.

Yes I suppose I'm expecting he'll be late-ish. I suppose I could start by asking how long he intends to be, remind him I'm not happy and it sends her the message that my feelings aren't as important as hers. Then tell him I really don't want him to go but if he must to make it quick. Re the model comment no it doesn't matter but right now I'm still losing baby weight, smell of baby sick on occasion and don't always get chance to do much to my hair/make-up so it's made me feel ever so slightly inferior.

Please please Halloqueen, for your own sake and for the sakes of all of our blood pressures, allow us to shamelessly bully you into telling him he comes home tonight or not at all. Now.

Oh don't bloody dignify this woman with your presence, Halloqueen!

It's as clear as day. There will be no meeting.

I agree with the others, what's happened to your boundaries? I think you're also falling into a trap of blaming the OW and not him, when they are both to blame. They have both been manipulative, take that as read. He's manipulating you now, FGS.

Just tell him to come home, see what he does and if he goes, don't give an immediate response. Come back on here and we'll help you to process your options. If he thinks that hell would freeze over before you end this marriage, then he will do this again and again - and other horrible stuff besides.

Romantic love is not unconditional.

xposted with your last one Halloqueen -= sorry. OMG, don't ask him anything, just tell him he is not meeting her.

You poor poor thing ... am so angry for you.

What IS the point of "one last drink" if it's already supposed to be over ? It's going to be over (I hope for your sake) whether he has a drink with her or not, so why prolong the agony ? There is one reason and one reason only why a dumped person asks for "one last" anything and that's to try and persuade their fling to reconsider. Even if he stands firm and tells her no, this is a pointless and cruel (for you) farce to go through. Alternatively, with each and every meeting there's the chance he'll not be able to resist .... much as an earlier poster compared someone giving up smoking or drinking.

So .... you have the rest of his life with him .... well, so you bloody well should! You're his wife .... that's supposed to be a given - till death us do part and all that ..... yet inspite of pointing out the bleeding obvious, you are somehow expected to be gracious and permit him to behave disgracefully and inappropriately - yet again. What he's confessed to so far is already hurtful enough .... the point at which he told you all this, should have been the point at which he started to repair things with you (as that's what he claims he wants). NOT ..... "I've been a shit, and I'm going to be a shit one last time".

I agree with all the others who've suggested this is some sort of ego boost for him. Dressing it up with the excuse that he's a "nice" person is ridiculous. Everyone knows that if you dump someone in the normal (i.e. not an affair) scheme of things, it's best done cleanly and quickly. That is the kindest thing to do. By agreeing to this drink he's giving her false hope but far, far worse than that obviously he's humiliating you and adding insult to injury.

For goodness sake, TELL him that he must cancel this. If he refuses, well, I think that'll give you a very good idea of where his priorities really lie.