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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The next 12 hours

535 replies

Halloqueen · 11/11/2010 12:24

Today my dp ends his 3 month emotional affair with a woman he met at a business meeting. They exchanged numbers, he was bored one day at work, text her, met for lunch, found out they had much in common and they clicked.
His relationship with me never faltered only that he worked a few extra hours every couple of days. Which was nothing out if the ordinary. He admitted all this to me when she started demanding more and more of his time and he realised things had gone way further than he'd intended. He says he loves me as he always has, wasnt unhappy at home...it just happened. He promises he intended no more than friendship but knew he'd started having feelings for her.
So today after work he's meeting her for drinks to tell her he loves me and 3dc's and they can't carry on any further. He says he owes her more than a ten minute see ya have a nice life because she is a nice person and he has to do this 'his way' but promises me he will cut all contact tonight.

It was hard enough to accept he'd do this and to have the strength to stay but he's a good man, me and 3dc's are his world and I know he will work hard to provd this but still the thought of tonight scares me. The thought of him meeting her...
He's set off to work looking smart and I have to sit here knowing he's meeting her after work, not sure if he'll be an hour late or if it'll be a few hours and just twisting myself up worrying she'll manage to change his mind. Will he kiss her 'one last time' will there be a long tearful goodbye? My brain won't let me stop thinking. Need to get thru next 12 hours. How do I do it without going insane???

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 11/11/2010 15:15

Push him in the wrong direction? I don't understand. You feel he will change his mind about ending it? You feel he will go despite your wishes? Either way it's not ok! You come first, he must remember this. This idea of his is absurd.

MooMooFarm · 11/11/2010 15:16

Halloqueen - please remember if he does anything else a married man shouldn't it won't be because you 'push him in the wrong direction', it will be because he is a selfish shit bag and doesn't care enough about you to do the right thing.

Never blame yourself and never doubt that you should always stand up for yourself. Your feelings are just as important as his, and much much more important that that silly trollop's.

ChickensHaveNoLips · 11/11/2010 15:17

I understand what you're afraid of, honest. But ask yourself this: is it better to keep someone by letting them strip you of your dignity, or better to know that they're with you because you are what they want? Do you know something? If he throws a tantrum about this and runs off to the OW, he would have done so eventually anyway. You deserve respect. Don't let that thought out of your mind.

emmyloulou · 11/11/2010 15:17

Being too easy on him will push him in the wrong direction......as he'll keep seeing her or start having more affairs....think about it.

Xales · 11/11/2010 15:20

Noooo

You have it completely wrong.

If he ups and leaves over your standing up for yourself then well I believe he would have been off after some skirt sooner or later. You will just have given him an excuse to tell people. Not a decent reason but an excuse he can use to feel better even if it is complete bull.

Stand up for yourself and your little ones.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/11/2010 15:21

"I suppose I could start by asking how long he intends to be, remind him I'm not happy and it sends her the message that my feelings aren't as important as hers.

Certainly remind him that you are not happy and that you also want to go to Relate now.

Don't do "suppose" - phone him at work and tell him not to attend. Do not say to him either, "I don't want you to go but if you must make it quick". Define quick. You will be out of you rmind with worry and even after he has met her if he still chooses to you'll be wondering what she did, what was said by this awful pair who BTW are as bad as one another. Somebody could have said no long before it got to this sorry stage; for his reasons as well he chose not to but is now doing a ham fisted job of meeting "one last time". You are being played.

DandyLioness · 11/11/2010 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Halloqueen · 11/11/2010 15:24

I hear what you're all saying and it all makes sense it's that niggly voice in the back of my head that says I know what his reaction will be. He is too nice a person to just 'dump' someone harshly and only I seem to see she's playing on that to get one last bit of attention from him, get one over on me for the last time. I know he'll say it's just going to be one drink and goodbye. I hate that its being dragged out like this and he's put me in this difficult position.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoLips · 11/11/2010 15:24

Ahem

MooMooFarm · 11/11/2010 15:25

Halloqueen please let us know if you have told him yet - I can't remember the last time I read something on here that made me so angry.

ChickensHaveNoLips · 11/11/2010 15:25

He is not being nice to you though, is he? He's being cruel. To you. The woman he's supposed to love above all others.

billybunter · 11/11/2010 15:26

Subsequent to "it's over" what on earth is there for them to discuss?

No no no no no he shouldn't be going.

DandyLioness · 11/11/2010 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChickensHaveNoLips · 11/11/2010 15:27

Argh, and don't make this about the OW. This is about him and his choices.

MooMooFarm · 11/11/2010 15:27

But Halloqueen he's clearly not too nice a person to treat his own wife like shit?

He is not being a nice person. NO NO NO! Please wake up and stop allowing him to manipulate you like this. Tell him now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/11/2010 15:28

"He is too nice a person to just 'dump' someone harshly and only I seem to see she's playing on that to get one last bit of attention from him, get one over on me for the last time. I know he'll say it's just going to be one drink and goodbye"

Its not just her, he also acted on feelings here towards her. He could have said no, infact they both could have said no long before now but neither of them actually wanted this to stop. It won't be just one last drink and goodbye. If she is as "manipulative" as he implies then she won't let go of him that easily.

What about you in all this, you're the one that has been and is still being wronged here by the pair of them!. I would still arrange to see Relate.

Halloqueen · 11/11/2010 15:29

Haven't heard back from him yet he'll probably have to wait for a break.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoLips · 11/11/2010 15:30

What did you text? Or would you rather not say?

Xales · 11/11/2010 15:30

He is not too nice a person

Too nice a person would never have got involved with another woman.

Too nice a person would not have treated his wife, children and relationship with contempt.

Too nice a person would not put some random woman he has only known a few months feeling above his other half's.

Too nice a person would not have put you in this difficult a position.

Too nice a person WOULD really understand how upset his other half was if called and not meet up.

MooMooFarm · 11/11/2010 15:31

Well done for contacting him - please stay strong and tell him, don't ask him. I hope you can get some strength from seeing how much we all want to support you through this Smile

ChickensHaveNoLips · 11/11/2010 15:31

Hear, hear Moo.

Halloqueen · 11/11/2010 15:32

Thanks. I just put please call me asap need to talk.

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 11/11/2010 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 11/11/2010 15:34

If you had an equal relationship before, Halloqueen and you don't insist on him not seeing her today (or any other day) then you most certainly won't have an equal relationship thereafter. The power dynamics have now changed and he's calling all the shots.

Please. He's not seeing her because he is too nice. He's seeing her because he wants to. If you think he'll react badly to your request, it will be because you are taking away his toys.

Gonesouth · 11/11/2010 15:36

I'm sorry but he is not a 'nice person' to do this to you.

I know that you love him, but you need to look at him with fresh eyes and work out that he is being anything but nice to you. No matter what words he has used today to excuse his evening meeting with her, his actions remain those of a cruel man, and one who ultimately knows that you won't call time on him.

I find his actions arrogant. You don't deserve to be punished for his affair and be feeling this bad. Sad He needs to feel some of your anguish.

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