The next 12 hours

[Halloqueen]

Today my dp ends his 3 month emotional affair with a woman he met at a business meeting. They exchanged numbers, he was bored one day at work, text her, met for lunch, found out they had much in common and they clicked.
His relationship with me never faltered only that he worked a few extra hours every couple of days. Which was nothing out if the ordinary. He admitted all this to me when she started demanding more and more of his time and he realised things had gone way further than he'd intended. He says he loves me as he always has, wasnt unhappy at home...it just happened. He promises he intended no more than friendship but knew he'd started having feelings for her.
So today after work he's meeting her for drinks to tell her he loves me and 3dc's and they can't carry on any further. He says he owes her more than a ten minute see ya have a nice life because she is a nice person and he has to do this 'his way' but promises me he will cut all contact tonight.

It was hard enough to accept he'd do this and to have the strength to stay but he's a good man, me and 3dc's are his world and I know he will work hard to provd this but still the thought of tonight scares me. The thought of him meeting her...
He's set off to work looking smart and I have to sit here knowing he's meeting her after work, not sure if he'll be an hour late or if it'll be a few hours and just twisting myself up worrying she'll manage to change his mind. Will he kiss her 'one last time' will there be a long tearful goodbye? My brain won't let me stop thinking. Need to get thru next 12 hours. How do I do it without going insane???

I hear you OP. In that case do what ever you can to keep your mind off things. Shopping, reading, baking with the kids?

I would ask for an eta at home though, otherwise you will be hysterical from about 8pm until whenever he arrives.

And has she persuaded him to just - meet her one more time?

Sorry. I realise this is rotten for you and I hope it is a simple conclusion later. But I do not think you should have to go through it anyway.

"He's already explained to her that his future lies with me and the children and she'd said she expected it but wanted a drink to say goodbye properly."

I've changed my mind. From your OP I thought he wanted to do the "decent thing" and finish it f-2-f. If he's already told her it's over and she wants one last drink that's just nuts.

What time will he be home? You need to agree this. He needs to stick to it (or be early)

Totally agree with others, this isn't acceptable. You don't deserve this additional day of torture, he should be racing back to you tonight.

Do you know, I think I would feel so uncomfortable about this situation I would actually be tempted to fabricate a reason to get him to cancel this evening. I'm not into game playing at all, but I would feel so uneasy I'd have to do something.

The OW should have to accept that she was firmly in the wrong (as was he) and as such is not entitled to anything, especially one last drink ffs. I would be deeply wary of her motives in doing this.

You will need to be very firm about him deleting her number and all contact details after this. There is no way they can remain friends, therefore why bother with tonight's charade?

Why are you letting him do this?

He should be moving heaven and earth as he owes you he does not owe her, she is the woman on the side, he is the married man. He owes you, he owes you some bloody respect.

I'd tell him he finishes it with her now, no last "goodbyes" or he does not come home at all and it's over.

You don't seriously think it's just going to be a chat and drink do you?

Hope you don't feel 'got at' OP, because that is not the intention. I do wonder where your anger is, though? How dare he expect you to sit meekly at home while he plays out the end of this love story! FFS, 3 months?! I've had longer relationships with cheese. Get furious.

Yes if my post is harsh sorry, I am actually angry for you. I'd be fucking furious.

He is taking the piss with you in all honesty, you deserve better, he owes he naff all. Get angry as others have said.

OP, when he does come back, you do need to get angry, you know. Don't welcome him with open arms, no matter how relieved you feel - it's sending the message that he will be forgiven no matter what and he needs to realise what damage he's caused and how close he came to ruining things with you.

I think you need to spell it out that you will never ever tolerate this kind of fuckwittery again from him. He needs to earn back your respect and love.

Pretty much the conversation I had with him over this, that he's dragging it out and prolonging the agony for me. Yes he's obviously been out for drinks with her before but I was unaware wasn't I. Tonight I know he'll be with her and it hurts like hell. Our relationship is worth fighting for, it is good and strong and easy, we've always been a 'perfect fit' if that makes sense. He knows he's made a mess and is trying to put it right, as destroyed as I was at his admittance in the back of my mind I had to remember he's only human. I read too many threads like this on here to believe we were untouchable. It is too late to say don't meet her but then he knows I don't want him to. Think I will text and ask him to make it as quick as possible. My brain won't settle til he's home.

I'm sorry OP, but he isn't meeting her as part of some noble desire to fulfil her last request. He's meeting her because he wants to. He can dress this up all he likes and might even believe his own press that he wants the OW to keep her self-esteem and exit with her dignity intact, but he is being wholly disingenuous.

He is in fact, putting her before you, once again.

It's not too late to restore some boundaries about this and make a very firm condition that he phones her and calls this meeting off. What he does next will be very revealing and will tell you something about where his loyalties lie.

Poor you! Such a horrible postion you are in. But well done for holding it all together.

Although I agree with alot of what has been said by others, I respect you (& your family) are dealing with this your way.

Let us know how it all works out.

In the mean time watch a film, do crafty things with kids (sorry dont know if ages allow this), make you and the kids (not DP!) a really nice dinner from scratch.

Thinking of you

PS - lmao at "I've had longer relationships with cheese"

sorry but i dont think much to him havin a drink? meal? with her after work, a phone call would of done it, or you go along as well. sorry to hear you are going through this x

Exactly wwifn. Why don't you text him, phone, email what ever and tell him to call it off.

H eknows he is hurting you, so he is putting er first, does that not ell you something.

You can't fix it if he does not respect you and puts her 1st as he will do it again and again and again as he does not respect you or your feelings.

"It is too late to say don't meet her but then he knows I don't want him to."

It's not too late, really it's not. This is the relationship you say is worth fighting for, so where's your fight? Do something about it now. Put your foot down and take some control back.

Are you trying to 'win' him back by being all nice, understanding and accommodating? Have you actally got angry with him over this?

Think he's taking the piss, really.

Totally agree with wwifn. I would ask him to cancel, it isn't too late, and it certainly isn't unreasonable.

It's upsetting you, and causing you a lot of unnecessary stress. It's selfish, indulgent behaviour on his part. I do wonder if you're in some state of shock which is stopping you seeing this clearly. (I know I was, when similar happened to me, I'm not judging you.)

FGS listen to WhenwillIfeelnormal

Get some RL support and burst his fucking bubble.

It is not too late to tell him not to meet her. Just put it as baldly as that 'I have been hurt enough, and I don't want you to meet this person for a drink'. His reaction will tell you a hell of a lot.

The OW wants a last good bye? Bloody hell . You do know she is going to be done up to perfection in whatever sexy gear she can find, don't you? I think he lost the right to do this how he wanted the day he crossed a line.

It isn't too late to cancel. If you can text to say hurry it up you can text to say if you go it is over or anything else you want to say. He could stand her up. He owes her nothing. He owes you everything.

FWIW having that last goodbye in whatever form does not help when ending an EA.

You aren't "simply trying as hard as he is to save something that has meant the world
to both of us". You're trying a whole heap of a lot harder than he is. Take tonight she wants him to go and see her in person while you don't want him to. He "has" to go because she "is a nice person" well, what are you?

Thanks all. There has been a lot of anger over the last few weeks since I found out but I do have two young children and a five month old to consider and I have been very strong in as much as never letting them see mummy 'in a state' which I intend to continue although it's been exhausting for me. He's pulling out every stop to create time for 'just us' and also family time. All I know is tonight us very...him. Everything is very fragile atm and I suppose just the fact that he wanted to cut all manner of contact was enough for me to not want to cause further drama. From what he's told me of her she sounds pushy, manipulative and selfish. I hate that he's indulging her this one last demand on his attention but just as we are trying to rebuild things would it not be stupid of me to cause conflict between us??

Wait a sec ... so he told her 'it's over' and she said 'we need to go for drinks then' and he said 'yes'?

That's not really ending things is it, that's just making a fuss and carrying on.

It isn't you causing the conflict.

Agree with the others. He's doing this because he feels he can. He's going for the noble self-sacrificer role rather than the ashamed fucker-upper role because you're letting him.

Which is not to say this is your fault, it absolutely isn't - just that he is taking the piss.

Send him an email telling him he's out of order and he doesn't get to do this.

He is causing the drama

He is causing the conflict

Not you