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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The next 12 hours

535 replies

Halloqueen · 11/11/2010 12:24

Today my dp ends his 3 month emotional affair with a woman he met at a business meeting. They exchanged numbers, he was bored one day at work, text her, met for lunch, found out they had much in common and they clicked.
His relationship with me never faltered only that he worked a few extra hours every couple of days. Which was nothing out if the ordinary. He admitted all this to me when she started demanding more and more of his time and he realised things had gone way further than he'd intended. He says he loves me as he always has, wasnt unhappy at home...it just happened. He promises he intended no more than friendship but knew he'd started having feelings for her.
So today after work he's meeting her for drinks to tell her he loves me and 3dc's and they can't carry on any further. He says he owes her more than a ten minute see ya have a nice life because she is a nice person and he has to do this 'his way' but promises me he will cut all contact tonight.

It was hard enough to accept he'd do this and to have the strength to stay but he's a good man, me and 3dc's are his world and I know he will work hard to provd this but still the thought of tonight scares me. The thought of him meeting her...
He's set off to work looking smart and I have to sit here knowing he's meeting her after work, not sure if he'll be an hour late or if it'll be a few hours and just twisting myself up worrying she'll manage to change his mind. Will he kiss her 'one last time' will there be a long tearful goodbye? My brain won't let me stop thinking. Need to get thru next 12 hours. How do I do it without going insane???

OP posts:
tb · 13/11/2010 15:40

How are you today Halloqueen? Apart from the twunt, hope life is being gentle with you.

MooMooFarm · 13/11/2010 17:13

Hi halloqueen - just wanted to say I've been thinking of you today - look after yourself x

Ilythia · 13/11/2010 17:57

Hallo, I have been following the thread and have no words of experience or wisdom for you, but you have the best support here on MN for whatever you decide, I've seen it time and again.

But fwiw, reality summed it up, he is being deeply cruel.

anotherpointofview · 13/11/2010 20:55

Oh Hallo I just logged on again to catch up with your post, I'm gutted for you. Please please listen to WWIFN's advice, I havent been on this site long but she gives excellent sound advice. You need all the facts to make a decision, your dh is not giving you them so check his car, briefcase, computer etc., make sure you know exactly what you are dealing with. If it were me - he would have come back from those drinks to find his case at front door - I'm so hurt for you, hugs x

ConnorTraceptive · 13/11/2010 21:04

Have read the whole thread and I was going to do a long post but Dandylioness has summed up what I was going to say.

To me it seems that he told you in the hopes that you would end the marriage for him, he could act devastated and not seem like the total arsehole he clearly is. He is a coward and I do not believe for one minute that this is simply an emotional affair with this woman.

Shodan · 13/11/2010 21:23

So angry on your behalf that I am going to do what I've never done before and that is proffer my credentials for being head of the knob-kicking queue.

What an absolute tosser.

Mumfun · 13/11/2010 23:46

Hallo glad you are getting good support. keep coming here too if you need it

magichomes · 14/11/2010 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phipps · 14/11/2010 12:06

Hope you are doing okay HalloQueen.

Mumbybumby · 14/11/2010 15:36

Thinking of you, Hallowqueen.
Hope you are ok x

Lolass · 14/11/2010 20:58

Me too.
X

passtheearplugs · 15/11/2010 01:53

Hi Hallo

I have stayed up most of this evening reading your thread and i am so sad and angry for you and your children :( i have even cried slightly for you

This must be such a horrid situation to be in so please don't feel any of us see you as a mug. It is easier to see what is the 'Right Thing' to do when you are not emotionally involved.

I noticed you said that your youngest child is 5 months old - so this affair has been going on since your DC was 8 weeks old? Shock :( You would be so much better off without this man although I do realise that is easier said then done.

I really do hope that you manage to sort out this situation to a point where you will be happy.

We are all thinking of you and please let us know how you are getting on.

Take care x

FIMBOfedupofrandomfireworks · 15/11/2010 11:08

How was the weekend, Hallo?

susie100 · 19/11/2010 09:54

Hallo - I have been lurking, are you ok?

Lolass · 19/11/2010 15:08

Yes, I'm concerned too and hoping you're OK. X

higgle · 19/11/2010 15:33

Another concerned person here, let us know how you are doing.

Doigthebountyeater · 19/11/2010 18:25

^

deepheat · 19/11/2010 20:20

Heya Halloqueen. I posted early on in the thread but have kept an eye on it since and am so sorry for what you're going through. Can't imagine how tough it must be for you. So glad that you at least have family nearby for support.

I have a huge amount of respect that you so want to save your marriage so much and - and I realise that many people here will want to gouge my eyes out for saying this - I don't believe it is beyond repair.

The situation is fixable, but it is definately not tenable at the moment. The impression I get is that it is your fear of everything being over that might be preventing you from taking decisive action? I think the irony here might be that unless you take decisive action then things really could be over.

The bottom line is that he is being a complete shit. If your relationship might have a future, then he needs to get the message that being a complete shit is not accceptable ever, under any circumstances. That means taking serious action now and accepting that the consequences may be difficult. In the long run, that action might mean that everything is over - that will be a choice reached by you or him (if it comes to this then I very much hope you have the dignity to make that call). But the worst result would be for you to remain together with this matter never having been resolved and him effectively having license to behave in this way whenever he felt like it, to continue to live in a way that completely disregards and damages you (and your DCs).

To anyone who might be annoyed that I'm not writing off the relationship right now - I can kind of understand that. I just don't know the background of OP or her husband, so don't feel comfortable doing that.

Halloqueen · 19/11/2010 23:04

Hello all I'm sorry I didn't catch up on my thread earlier but after taking in all your advice I felt I really needed this week to be about my own thoughts and feelings and also didn't want to post without anything to tell you all. After many evening conversations (he's been staying with my brother and coming here for a few hours in the evening to settle the children) we know that we both want to save our relationship. I told him I've been as understanding as possible and it was time to either cut contact with her or make a more serious break with me.
I know a lot of you thought I was being too lenient allowing him to sever contact his way but as I explained that's just him and I know him better than anyone. He's appalled at his behaviour of last Thursday/Friday as I also said then it was shockingly out of character and even he sees that. I explained how awful I felt knowing he'd be seeing her again to say goodbye and he agreed to just call her which he did in my presence last night. She didn't seem
surprised as it seems he's been ignoring her texts and
calls since last Friday. I know he is ashamed of his
actions but he insists it was never more than a friendship that got out of control.

friendship that got out of control.
I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who posted for their support and advice. I know we've got our work cut out but he came through for me in the end and I hope you'll all agree I had to make the decision that was right for us and the children. We dud have an excellent relationship and I'm confident we'll get back there again. Thanks again x x x

OP posts:
Halloqueen · 19/11/2010 23:05

Sorry, typing on iPhone and bring baby just doesn't mix x

OP posts:
Lolass · 19/11/2010 23:25

Best of Luck. X

mamas12 · 20/11/2010 12:12

Yes good luck hallo.

magichomes · 20/11/2010 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfumedlife · 20/11/2010 15:42

Thanks for getting back. Wishing you the best of luck Hallo, and remember we are always here if you need to chat.

toucancancan · 20/11/2010 19:45

Have been lurking and just want to say, I'v been thinking about you and I'm so glad to hear that you are both giving it a go. Good luck. x