The next 12 hours

[Halloqueen]

Today my dp ends his 3 month emotional affair with a woman he met at a business meeting. They exchanged numbers, he was bored one day at work, text her, met for lunch, found out they had much in common and they clicked.
His relationship with me never faltered only that he worked a few extra hours every couple of days. Which was nothing out if the ordinary. He admitted all this to me when she started demanding more and more of his time and he realised things had gone way further than he'd intended. He says he loves me as he always has, wasnt unhappy at home...it just happened. He promises he intended no more than friendship but knew he'd started having feelings for her.
So today after work he's meeting her for drinks to tell her he loves me and 3dc's and they can't carry on any further. He says he owes her more than a ten minute see ya have a nice life because she is a nice person and he has to do this 'his way' but promises me he will cut all contact tonight.

It was hard enough to accept he'd do this and to have the strength to stay but he's a good man, me and 3dc's are his world and I know he will work hard to provd this but still the thought of tonight scares me. The thought of him meeting her...
He's set off to work looking smart and I have to sit here knowing he's meeting her after work, not sure if he'll be an hour late or if it'll be a few hours and just twisting myself up worrying she'll manage to change his mind. Will he kiss her 'one last time' will there be a long tearful goodbye? My brain won't let me stop thinking. Need to get thru next 12 hours. How do I do it without going insane???

Halloqueen, it is never stupid to ask to be treated with respect. Your husband should be putting you and your feelings first, and if you asking him to do this causes friction...well, I go back to my original statement that he needs a kick in the balls.

Halloqueen, what a terrible time he has made for you with all of this.

I tend to agree with the others that he needs to stop this right now.

Why do you feel it would cause conflict? - it sometimes is a natural phase of putting things right. You do not have to suck up all the hurt in this process. If you create some drama, it may be a welcome release for you from what you are currently experiencing. A bit of drama or conflict is far better for you emotionally than keeping it all in.

He needs a wake up call and you really need to find out what his motives are in meeting her.

Take control of this and let him deal with the fallout. Don't keep living a lie.

"From what he's told me of her she sounds pushy, manipulative and selfish"

"she is a nice person"

so which is it?

Agree with whoever said he is playing you like a violin

Feeling angry for you here

She sounds like a bunny boiler. What kind of "nice" person thinks it's reasonable to ask for one last drink when they've been caught having an affair with a married father?

He should have cut contact completely once it came out. Why has it taken him several weeks? Has he been taking his time making his mind up what to do?

The onus is absolutely on him to show how much he regrets this, and to make things up to you, not for you to be putting up with anything for fear of causing conflict. What happens when there's another "one last drink?" It doesn't sound like she's going to let him go without a fight.

Oh Halloqueen, I have every sympathy for you, but honestly, please believe me when I tell you he's not going for her, he's going for him. He's seeing her because he wants to. It's as simple (and I acknowledge as hurtful) as that. It is completely unreasonable of him to expect you to accept this and stop worrying about "causing a fuss or a drama". This is a big deal; a betrayal and a breach of trust. It is infidelity.

You have every right to cause a fuss and place conditions. However, given that he clearly wants to see her tonight, whether he cancels or not, I do hope you will be monitoring whether this has really ended, or was as it is being described. He texted her, remember.

When we are in shock (you don't say when this all came out) at times it can be difficult to be as assertive as normal. I do hope this is a temporary lapse for you and it;s the shock and fear that's causing this, but if you don't express a clear condition that this meeting must not happen, you will feel bitter and resentful further down the line, I assure you.

"From what he's told me of her she sounds pushy, manipulative and selfish"

Come on OP. Wake up.

This is a load of bull he's fed you to try and shift the responsibility of his own actions. Poor manipulated man, he couldn't help him self He will have entered into an EA with this woman because there is something very attractive about her and her personality and and he enjoyed the attention and attraction. No one stays in an affair beause they aren't enjoying themselves, quite the opposite considering what they are risking.

I'm not having a go, really I'm not. Open your eyes and do what it takes for him to respect you and for you to feel respected.

You will learn everything you need to know about how he feels about you by telling him not to go, then seeing what is reaction is. If you 'let' him go you'll be in a constant state every time he is late or not answering phone etc.

I never post on here but had to add my voice to the others telling you to get him to cancel.

It isn't too late, in fact even if it was 5 minutes beforehand it's not too late.

He's already broken it off with her, KNOWS you're unhappy about the planned meeting and yet he is still prepared to go.

He should have been doing all he can to make it up to YOU, from the second you found out.
Please don't let this meeting go ahead.
Oh and I second chickens' kick him in the plums.
Sorry this is happening to you x

Hold on you have known for weeks and the fact he has cut all contact is enough for you to not rock the boat? How is last drinks cutting contact.

What will it be next, he'll cut contact next Christmas? Next year?

He has caused the drama, not you, get angry, get fucking angry. See this and see him for what he is.

He is playing you both, if she is horrible, wy would he want to do the decent thing as she is "so nice". If he is trying with you why not think of you first.

Give him the wakeup call he needs, he goes he does not come home.

Go and meet him from work with the kids.

Oh no, no, no, no, NO!

Doesn't the thought of their last, weepy, "painful yet noble" goodbye make you want to knock him out? Because it would me!

No, sorry, this isn't on at all! Will you be expected to put up with his moping around over the next few months while "getting over" her?

It seems to me that he is completely stealing YOUR right to be outraged about this. It is all about HIM isn't it? He doesn't seem to care about your feelings at all.

What a twerp.

Halloqueen you really need to take back some control and demand the respect you deserve. He has gone off this morning with two women wanting him - gosh he must have felt great! What message is he sending the OW about you when she will know that you know he is meeting her!! She will know that he put her before you - does that show her how much he loves and respects your feelings? Is she really manipulative if she was as he said why does he think he owes her? why does he think shes too nice? & why is he sad that its ending? I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you really need to stand up and let him know you won't be treated like this, she will also get the picture then too. It is not too late for him to cancel, and like WWIFN said his reaction to you telling him to would say a lot. Would he extend you the same courtesy if it were the other way round? Or indeed would you put him through the pain he is putting you through today!

No he thinks she's a nice person it's me who thinks she's pushy etc in as much as asking for one last drink. And she will look stunning...she's a model. Just adds to my dread tbh.

I tell you now, you need to put a stop to this right now, coldly and calmly, it doesn't need to involve a scene. Personally though I think I would tell him to f*ck right off, I wouldn't want him back after this I don't think.

Hallo then tell him to cancel. I don't see that you have any other option.

Information I could have lived without re her being a model btw

You could take away the dread in a minute.

So you have had a huge marital crisis over him spending loads of time with another woman and being emotionally attached to her? And he thinks a good way to prove it is over and he is committed to you is...to spend time with another woman due to his emotional attachment to her?

If it had been a sexual affair would he have come to you demanding one last shag? Would you have let him go?

Totally agree with the addiction idea - you don't give up smoking by buying one more packet of cigarettes.

You are in the right here. This marriage isn't going to work if you swallow down your own feelings in order to allow him to continue to do what he wants. You should be the priority. Tell him how unhappy you are about it.

You poor sod. (un-MN hugs)

If this was happening to your best friend or your daughter how would you advise them?

Why are you doing this to yourself, why, why why?

Just tell him to cancel or he does not come home and mean it. His decision will tell you a lot and show if all this is just a sham to keep you ticking over. It will reveal him for what he is and his true feelings.

Tell someone in RL and tell him how you feel if he ignores it, you know your place in the pecking order don't you. Don't stand for it.

Her being a model is irrelevant. Infact, she is irrelevant. What matters here is how the man you are married to treats you and your feelings. He is being incredibly cruel. Fuck it, tell me where they're meeting and I'll kick him in the nuts for you

hallo - you have received some very good advice here - you need to put.your.foot.down and demand respect.

you are being undermined.

this is not a scene from a movie - is he usually this dramatic about life?

Re: her being a model - so he says.
Jodie Marsh is a model of sorts.
And this is irrelevant and another demonstration of him having no consideration for you or how his actions/words make you feel.
I am so angry for you.

Why are you letting him go and meet her? He says he's already called it off. Don't be a doormat. I'd call him now and tell him that if he didn't come home without meeting her then not to come home at all and that it's over.

Um, can I ask how it came out that she is a model? Did he happen to share this interesting nugget of information with you? If so why did he deem it relevant that you needed to know this? Little boast about his pulling capability was it, TO HIS WIFE! Jesus this just gets worse.

So what if she's a model?

She could be a brain surgeon or a prostitute, it wouldn't matter.

It's not about her, her looks, her personality, the money she makes. None of it.

Don't you see it's about him and his lack of commitment to your marriage.