The next 12 hours

[Halloqueen]

Today my dp ends his 3 month emotional affair with a woman he met at a business meeting. They exchanged numbers, he was bored one day at work, text her, met for lunch, found out they had much in common and they clicked.
His relationship with me never faltered only that he worked a few extra hours every couple of days. Which was nothing out if the ordinary. He admitted all this to me when she started demanding more and more of his time and he realised things had gone way further than he'd intended. He says he loves me as he always has, wasnt unhappy at home...it just happened. He promises he intended no more than friendship but knew he'd started having feelings for her.
So today after work he's meeting her for drinks to tell her he loves me and 3dc's and they can't carry on any further. He says he owes her more than a ten minute see ya have a nice life because she is a nice person and he has to do this 'his way' but promises me he will cut all contact tonight.

It was hard enough to accept he'd do this and to have the strength to stay but he's a good man, me and 3dc's are his world and I know he will work hard to provd this but still the thought of tonight scares me. The thought of him meeting her...
He's set off to work looking smart and I have to sit here knowing he's meeting her after work, not sure if he'll be an hour late or if it'll be a few hours and just twisting myself up worrying she'll manage to change his mind. Will he kiss her 'one last time' will there be a long tearful goodbye? My brain won't let me stop thinking. Need to get thru next 12 hours. How do I do it without going insane???

No.

No.

No.

None of it.

You are enabling him to take control again and makes you look pathetic and desperate.

Tell him you have changed your mind and if he truly cares for your feelings he won't go. Do not debate it with him or allow him to negotiate.

And I am so sorry you're having to go through this shit when you have obviously recently had a baby. But it is even more reason to not put up with it. What a total fucking bastard he is being - sorry but it is true.

OP, I'm now 110% behind the other posters who say he should not go and it's not too late to change this.

If you really can't bring yourself to just say no (and you should!) then I agree with a previous poster. Lie. You need help with DC bedtime because DC1/2/3/you is under the weather. Get him home where he's meant to be.

No, no, no. None of this 'If you must go' bullshit. He doesn't have to go, he is choosing to. If he chooses to, he is essentially saying 'What I want matters more than what you wnat'. No one is so amazing that you have to put up with this crap.

Where does he work? I will ring him myself.

Sorry, I need to calm down

Halloqueen, the fact that everyone is saying the same thing here surely tells you something? I get that you're hurt and scared, but my God woman you have to take a stand for your own sake. If your marriage stands a chance, he has to put you first, no if's or but's.

No, don't lie about why he must come home. You have every right to be honest about why you want this to happen. If you prevent this meeting because of an invented excuse, he will just meet her another time. Since I am now convinced that's what he wants to do anyway, I'd have no confidence that he wants this over.

Don't you just wish you could get inside somebody's voice box for ooh, about 3 months?

An excellent bit of advice I once had was that the rules at the start of a relationship are very hard to break. Likewise, the rules post-this affair are being set. And they appear to be he can do what he likes and bugger your feelings.

Are you putting up with all this because you're still frightened he'll leave?

I let my husband do something like this. He actually had 2 nights in a hotel with her in a different country. He was making his mind up which one of us to choose! He felt he owed her, I felt if I pushed too hard I'd lose him to her. That was 17 months ago. It is his biggest regret and I'll never forgive him for it. He broke it off with her, told her he had chosen me and then slept with her again because she was 'upset'.
Wrong,wrong, wrong !

I know how you feel - my DH is still in an emotional affair which has been going on for goodness knows how long. Unfortunately for my twenty year marriage (which was happy and stable until this), DH is addicted - he in love with an old girlfriend over the internet and texting. I have no idea when they re-established contact. It sounds crazy I know. After trying unsuccessfully to save marriage, I am packing up and moving as I have had enough. Best thing - I am off to rebuild and start a new, independent life away from such a loser. To me, success is always the best revenge.

I wish you the very best of luck - you deserve respect, stay one step ahead, be vigilent and strong because promises made to stop are not always kept.

To be honest had we had more time before work/school this morning I would have spoken to him but we were both running late etc so it was a brief kiss and see you tonight before we both dashed off and then I thought oh...now it's just eating me up. Will text him.

OP - you're afraid that he'll leave you if you grow a backbone about this, aren't you? :(

What are you thinking of texting? Tell us.

Why can't you call him at work ? Is he genuinely unreachable in his job, or isn't it the "done thing" ? If it's the latter, you must call him - this counts as an emergency. Sending a text is too easy for him to deny receiving it.

Yes! Yes, text him! Tell him 'No drinks with bit on the side. Home straight after work. No more Mrs.Doormat'. You can do this

Yes, agree with catsmother - you need to make sure you get a response from him so he can't worm out of it.

I agree with WWIFN when she says that you may feel that your approach is OK at the moment, but further down the line I think it will be distressing to think that he bluntly chose to meet her this evening knowing that you were extremely upset about it.

He says that he is doing it 'his way', well his way has in fact been a lie so far. He's not the person you think he is, sadly. He is a man who was apparently 'bored' and subsequently forgets that he has a wife and three young children then a bit on the side just 'happens' to grow into a relationship.

Yeah right!

He's been playing you along and has made decisions whether to see her or not all the way along. He is still controlling the affair today, but this time, you know about it. How cruel he is; its shameful that he is doing this to you, who he professes to love.

Find the strength from some of these posts to bring him up sharp.

Or text 'come straight home from work tonight or you will find your clothes in the front garden and the door bolted. I am not going to allow you to treat me this way anymore.

Please, please don't say "when will you be home"

The mumsnet collective is riled on your behalf, Halloqueen. We shall prevail.

He has already told her it is over?

In that case the easy answer when she pestered was 'I am sorry if I have hurt/upset you however I have told you it is over there is no point to this meeting'.

He has not chosen to do this.

He has chosen to agree a time/date/place to meet her.

If he didn't want to meet her he wouldn't.

He does want to meet her.

I am sorry but your feelings are not important to him over this.

Please do it ! It was my biggest mistake not stopping him and seriously delayed my recovery.
Power to you !

Can't call as he's always dealing with customers on phone so can't answer his own. I would text asking him to call me when he gets a minute. Then I'd say I'm not happy about his meeting tonight and take it from there depending on his reaction. I know I'm coming across as spineless here but never having been through thus before it's hard to know how to react and yes it's very fragile and I'm still slightly worried it could push him in the wrong direction if I kick off. We always had a very balanced relationship before now with both of us having a strong voice within it as to what's what. Everyone is so angry on my behalf it makes me think perhaps I have been too lenient with this final drink request. I will text him.