Total dickwad - something funny to take the piss? Advice please.

[tummysgottogo]

OK this follows on from my thread yesterday about men/trusting them etc....well...........

Ugh

Lent new bf my car this weekend to "visit a friend and drop him off with his skis". He sent me a chatty text about how he had to go away and how expensive car hire was.

Leaves his phone in my car by mistake after he drops it off. Can't help checking his inbox to see who's texted him. Yes it's a trust issue.

Lots from a girl called A. About this weekend...hmmm...anyway something about "looking forward to lots of sex". I then phone her, and actually end up aShe and I end up in total shock, as we both thought we were in exclusive relationships with this fucktard guy.

Going through his phone I then discover he's been seeing two other women as well.

Obviously there aren't really words to describe him but I'm MOST pissed off about borrowing my car, apparently for a boys weekend (there was a whole elaborate lie about this) to go on a romantic "fuck me senseless" weekend.

And OBVIOUSLY I'm going to dump him. But...I want some kind of fun revenge. I have his phone with all of his contacts.

Before you tell me this is immature and I'm better off without him, I know. But I want a last laugh : )

Sorry meant to add but the wine got in the way after the text about how expensive the car hire was I offered to lend him my car.

Dump his girlfriends by text for him.

Call a premium rate number and don't hang up? Also, don't let him know you've found the phone, just ignore him when he tries to contact you.

How about text to all asking if anyone has the number for the STI clinic, as the green sores are really painful and he lost the clinic number?

Or if anyone can get him some Viagra cheaply as he keeps going limp at the wrong moment.

Follow either with an 'Oh shit, sorry, that wasn't meant for you' text.

Let everyone on the phone know what he's been up to... including his mum.

Oh shit I've already told him I was on the phone to his 'girlfriend'.......

How should I dump his other women? I don't want to appear too much like a loon.

We both know where he lives. And...I have his phone with all of his contacts.....

ohhh keep it coming I'm PMSL!!

Obviously post the number online somewhere that will upset him. Text all his contacts saying exactly what he's been doing.

Get him a crazy frog ringtone. In fact sign up for XFactor, we buy any car etc alerts.

post his number here... obviously

(goaaawwwwnnnn]

Anyone got details of the late night chemist, he needs to get some scabies lotion ASAP.

Can he pop round to borrow the toilet as he has blocked his own with a giant floater?

Anyone got some antihistamines, he is coming out with an allergic reaction to the satin panties he was just experimenting with?

do you want his number?!!! heheheheh

Tell his mother and any female relatives. His boss if the number's there - and any things the boss may not like to know (fake sick days etc).

Definitely tell the other women. Call premium rate numbers.

Report your car as stolen...

Confess to all contacts that he has finally "come out" and is gay..

I have E.V.E.R.Y contact of his........including, for some reason, his poor parents address

Do not report your car as stolen, what a stupid fucking idea.

Do tell everyone in his phone what he has done. Ring premium numbers. Sign up to as many text alerts as you can etc, etc, etc.

However, if he is the kind of person who likes payback be prepared for him spamming you with junk!

Plus if you send a groups text message to everyone confessing what a knob he's been (on his behalf), can you get the phone to re-send on the hour every hour? That should get him blocked from a few contacts

I'd leave his poor parents alone though.

LOL YES, 'come out'!
A sexy text to his boss, using their DPs name .
Or not, that could be disastrous for the DP.

Cut one arm off all of his suits.
Ooh - a text to all 'Can't believe he almost caught us, pretend u know nothing!'
Then a text to all 'Oops, wrong number!'

a group obviously.

Don't you have the car back? Why on earth would you report it stolen?

STI clinic is a good 1 followed by the "oops not for you text" rofl. Go girl ;)

The sad fuck is on pay as you go so I can't ring premium numbers. The other "girlfriend" and I have just agreed to meet up. good and bad meh.

Yes I have the car back. I like the STI idea, mainly because its realistic! UGH!!!! Why was I such a fool???!!!!

Text his parents what he's been up to.

That would be the best revenge.

Send a text to every number in his book saying what he's been up to.

Then call an expensive number and don't hang up.

Sorry he's been such a wanker to you!! :(

urm...

ring his parents pretend to be from an STI clinic and say you have important results which require immediate action...

do you know who his friends are?

if so write a message about that friend (nasty of course) and 'accidently' send it to that person...bound to cause some uproar

i would also deep clean your car...

Take him to small claims court and charge him for "hire" of your car

Text to all contacts:

Hi, I can't really remember if anything happened that time we were drunk together, but I need to warn you that it might be worth you getting checked out for chlamydia. Sorry.