"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

I don't think I like the little me very much. I think I reject her as much as everyone else did when she/I was growing up.

I'm so tired tonight but I really really don't want to go to bed. I've always hated it. I spent most of my teens sleeping on sofas. My step-dad used to tell me he would kill me in my sleep. I don't know if it's 'just' that.

My problems feel insurmountable. I hate living.

Bookcase, I have a picture of me aged 10 on my computer desktop. I'm on all day, so I see young Grace every time I shrink my windows. I always smile at her; I say a few words every morning and night. She's been here for four months or so now - I still sometimes see only the tiredness, the guarded look, the retracted chin ("Don't stick your jaw out, you insolent girl!") Then I remember she's just a little girl. And I'm kinder to her. When I've been kind to little me, I feel a bit more secure and - literally - warmer. It takes time, gentless and patience ... just as scared children do :)

I'm the same about going to bed, btw!

bookcase Do you have the picture with you now? Could you describe her to me? Just basic details, anything that springs to mind.

Lotser , im so sorry you had a bad time when your son was born.

I get what you mean about the competitiveness too.But honestly , one-upmanship with illness....jease! .
Id be tempted to have told her that ebola was about ...and wait for the symptoms to "happen".

Funnily enough ..when i went
NC with my ex-mother ..after a few weeks i had a visit from brother3. Who told me that she had been rushed to hospital with a suspected heart attack.... .
So i asked him if , in fact she did have a heart attack , or heart problems ? .
...his reply , " no . they think it was indigestion." WTF????

Think it was a plan to either....
a) get a way for me to resume speaking to her via sympathy
or
B) Another way of her too "prove" (to siblings )that im indead the spawn of the devil...cold uncaring bitch who wont even visit "poor sick" mother.

Thing is i do think shes "sick" ...just not in the way she`d hope for.

grace ... love the fact youve got a picture of "little grace" as a screensaver !

I don't really know how to describe her smithfield. She's got a cute smile and sparkly eyes. It's a primary school photo. She just looks like a 'normal' child. She makes me feel that maybe nothing was wrong with my childhood. Maybe I'm imagining it all.

bookcase ... i dont doubt you at all . nor do i think your imagining it all.
thats the gaslighting kicking in love , fight against it.
You know how you felt. The fact is no-one would imagine things were bad if they were ok.
It would be impossible to fake emotional scars from the abuse.
Everyone on this thread is looking for the same thing ...validation the past did happen the way we remember and an apology.

A real apology , when its ment and it causes things to change for the better .

You will be ok bookcase.

bookcase No! Your not imagining it at all, just that children aren't able to process all the bad stuff. If they could they wouldnt survive any kind of abuse. She sounds lovely and yes normal in the sense of why would your stepfather say such horrific thing to a lovely normal girl as you describe her.
I'm smiling in my photo too and I look normal.

droves My mother developed breast cancer when I cut her off

Making a note to namechange very soon ... You probably wouldn't see the guardedness in my picture, either? I see it. Just a little girl, doing my best.

I had a wonderful teacher that year. She encouraged me.

ah... little grace

Hi Droves, thankyou. I've been very moved by your posts...

God that must have given you a wobble for a second, wondering if just maybe, you should visit? Glad you saw through it and didn't get sucked back in.

I hope you decide to go for counselling, and get it too, sometimes there's big wait for it unless you pay even when you really need it. I found it my weekly sanctuary to unload and then forget for a few days.

That kind of manipulation (the heart attack tale) is my mum's bread and butter She has done this with my aunt but in my name.
Basically a couple of years ago my aunt (who is also a drinker) and my mum fell out over some trivial shit, and my mum thought she could get my aunt's attention by getting my dad to tell my aunt that I had cancer. My heart is hammering while I write this as the rage and despair I feel at this is unbearable- being a bit superstitious it's almost as bad as wishing it on me IMO.
My aunt rang my sister in tears asking if it was true, my sister assured her I was fine. My aunt vowed never to speak to my mum again and she hasn't.

I did have to go to the Royal Marsden a few months later ironically, for investigations in to a lump in my armpit, which my mum was very calm about. In contrast to her concern and devastation about my "fake illness"
We haven't spoken about it as my sister begged me not to tell but it poisons every conversation I have with them, and probably affirms to my parents that I'm the grumpy, overemotional person they perceive me as... I can't bring it up, but I can't let it go.

Oh X-post everyone

I see it Grace. A sort of questioning 'is this okay?' look.

Lotster, I'm horrified! That is outright insane by anybody's standards

I hope you find a moment to damn well tell her what a foul, inexplicable, unforgiveable thing it was to do! I can't say I'm surprised she was a great deal less concerned about your real scare, but it must have pulled you up short at the time

You're bang on, Bookcase :)

What an awful thing for her to do Lotster.

I need to connect properly to little bookcase but am worried I'm not going to get the right treatment. I'm making complaints about previous NHS treatment at the moment (a therapist called me something quite unpleasant in a group context a while ago). I don't know if I can trust them again. Particularly as they aren't taking my complaint very seriously. It's very 'their word against yours'. They are kind of saying that because I have various issues, I misinterpreted what he said but I know I didn't.

I don't know how I can keep going on.

Bastard. A handful of my co-patients were women with boundary & attachment issues, who flirted inappropriately etc - some were sex addicts; all had suffered extreme sexual abuse in childhood. Every one of them had been sexually abused by a male psychiatrist (not the same one). One of them made the papers when he was struck off, due in part to my friend's testimony. I suppose we have to remember that therapists are people with weaknesses, too: as with any sample of human beings, there are some bad ones - and that we're building healthy boundaries when we know they are wrong (and can tell them to fuck right off).

The fact that you've complained about this twerp, Bookcase, affirms that you have enough self-esteem to know he was out of order. I'm delighted you've made a formal complaint! Well done, you.

Bookcase - you need to find a counsellor you can trust. Please keep plugging because when you find them you will know.

I had an awful first one - he just fired questions at me without feedback, then at one point when I was worrying about my lack of sex drive, told me in so many words that I needed to just do the wifely duty for my husband's sake. FFS. I firmly believe he put his own cultural beliefs before his care for me and judged me.
Didn't dare have counselling again until referred for PND and I met a lovely, lovely lady who made me feel so important,and listened to, like my problems mattered. She made me stop to feel sorry for myself, then dust myself down and find a way forward. I feel she actually in some ways gave me mothering like I'd not had. Within professional realms of course.
She's still the voice in my head sometimes when I need it. I was so lucky she was NHS. Unfortunately when my allocated session were up, I couldn't continue to see her as she didn't work privately.

Could/would you see a private counsellor if you can't get a good NHS referral?

Grace - little grace is a lovely wee girl , who has tha same haircut my dd2 had at a similar age.
I just want to give little grace a hug .
The eyes are the window to the soul , (so the saying goes) the little soul is hurting there ....

Im so sorry for whatever happened to little grace.

Smithfield ...id like to say im surprised , but with so many similar things happening to us i wonder , are we related?

Loster ... your parents are loons. No wonder your aunt went NC .

Again im saying , its textbook.
HAVE THESE PEOPLE HAD LESSONS IN HOW TO BE AN ABUSIVE TOXIC TWUNT ????

bookcase - OMFG !

Vile person , was supposed to be helping you. Well done for reporting .

I need to say goodnight now. I have to shut down a little bit so I can be a mum tomorrow.

Thank you everyone for your validation and support. It means alot to me.

sleep well

goodnight , sleep well xxx

:) thank you for the hug, droves :)
Hope everyone slept soundly. x