"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

hello again to you all. i'm getting there with this. i read all your recent posts and i think how bloody awful, my childhood was a breeze compared to some, and then i think i can't post here, which i suppose is classic?

one of the major things drawing me here is having become a mum...i am desperate not to repeat the coldness and emotional unavailability of my mother, or her sharpness either, which i sometimes feel i am capable of. i've just read some stuff about scapegoating/golden child which hit home, there's so much going round in my head, where do you start?!!

my gorgeous baby has done it again-i thought she was asleep for the morning!! will be back. off for some cuddles.

grace what a beautiful little girl. So beautiful, maybe it's time she had a princess persona? All little girls are princesses they say. :)

I have found, with the help of my dd, how important it is to let the little ones in us play, to be princesses and fight dragons, imagine our gardens, our worlds, our adventures. We abused children were too busy hiding and surviving to do that normal stuff. I have found it fun! Colouring in, dressing dolls, letting my "wonder child" come out to play. She was VERY scared and untrusting at first, but she's started to say now, when things aren't fair. She is finding her voice, and she's very, very cross!

The Google earth thing is a strange one. It must be the right time to have a peek at that dark stuff. I found the road where, when I was two, I fell off my trike, into the road, as a car came thundering towards me. I remember wishing very hard that my "mother" would at least notice, and come out and get me. She didn't. She had no idea anything happened.I was scooped up by strangers and came to no harm. Just what did my "mother" do all day? Why was I out on a busy road in Manchester, alone at the age of two? I can't imagine any circumstance where that could be even approaching acceptable.

There are lots of new people here, I think a reminder of petewalker.com is timely. It's very good, but a bit mind blowing (just for a change for us)

I am new to "stately homes" but feel it is right for me to join in now. Hello to everyone. I haven't read it all, but little Grace has made me cry.

I have had therapy for 15 months now, and only now am I starting to feel justified in my thoughts that my horrid childhood was not made up in my mind.

My mother is still around, still trying to control me, and sometimes she draws me in. I want her to love me. She just tricks me. I am learning her games now. I think she just wants me for when she is old and lonely (she is lonely now thinking about it, no friends).

I am struggling deeply at the moment with counselling. Last night was the worst as my dh declared he couldn't cope with me. I had 2 hours sleep and threw up. Desparately depressed today.

I have great trust in my therapist, but sometimes wonder what the point is of dragging up the past? I wrote as such in the mental health boards.

Good luck to everyone here. We should never have needed this board, should we? We should have had the childhood we deserved.

Hi Peppermint, and hi Midnight, fellow newbie (long time lurker) here too.

I think the point of dragging it all up is to help you recognise where thought those damaging/low-self esteem thought processes began, and what triggers them now. And to teach to to undo them going forward.

For example I discovered that I seem to jump through hoops to be perfect for people who don't really require it of me, because my mum was always so critical. I also get very stressed if I'm late, or my house is untidy, becaue I'm afraid small things like this will make me unlikeable. My counsellor helped me to identify that it was because I was always told I was lazy, always late (actually her own shortcomings she projected on to me), made to feel I always fell short IYSWIM? Or that my huge anxiety over things like simple children's birthday parties can throw me over the edge, because I didn't have the kind of home where I felt comfortable taking friends back, so those feelings of "if it's not perfect they wont' like me" are still in my head.

I was stunned when I overheard colleagues at work once joking about how "anal" I was and how my desk had to be perfect - I thought surely not me, the late, lazy untidy one?! I then assumed I had somehow tricked these people in to thinking I was a functional, respectable person, when in fact I wasn't at all.

I think self-esteem can be a bit like dysmorphia in that way. I thought my desk at work (and my work itself) was scruffy, juvenile, unprofessional, when in fact my colleagues thought I was on the ball. Sometimes you don't realise how highly functioning you are. Which is a reason I think as an adult when I try to talk about things now, some of my friends think my mum just "likes a bit of a drink" and I've overblown stuff... because I never let on.

Sorry if I just turned that in to a massive waffle about myself but just trying to illustrate that the fallout of the therapy can be worth it if you can just ask your husband to bear with you. It hurts reliving everything, flashback emotions etc., but it hurts more to let it fester and colour the rest of your life.

Thank you Lotster. Crying again. I did tell me dh this morning that he needed to bear with me. I told him that a whole childhood of hurt would need time to heal. He does not understand because his parents love him to bits.

I understand your thoughts on past events colouring your perception now. For me, I struggle to believe that I am bringing my children up to be strong and independent and loved. I believe that I am not a good enough mum, and that I am neglecting them. I was stunned yesterday when a nurse told me that I was doing such a fab job with my ds (who has cerebral palsy). I need reassurance all of the time.

No one would believe me if I told them about my childhood. My parents had money, status (or so they imagined I think!) and we (me and my sister) were good children. Of course we were, we were frightened.

I don't believe my friends like me. What is there to like? They will abandon me soon, like my parents did. My dh says he will not leave me, but I don't believe him.

Such a mess. Therapy is very hard at the moment. Sorry if I am using self-pity, I feel so bad.

I really hope the therapy works for you, sounds like you need to give it all you've got and rebuild yourself. Do you talk to your sister much about it?

Caring for a child with extra needs must make it even harder, but look what you're doing - giving extra care and love to a child who is extra. The opposite of what I'm guessing you received. That is an achievement in itself.

sorry that should have said "giving extra care and love to a child who is extra vulnerable "

I have just read through some posts from the last few days. Lotster, it's shocking what parents feel is ok to get away with. I will never understand how they can/did justify their behaviour. How can anyone hurt (emotionally or physically) their children? Even into adulthood, they just won't let go.

Yes, Lotster, it is ironic that my son is vulnerable, but I have his well being in my heart always, and yet I was vulnerable FROM my parents.

I only really saw the truth a few weeks ago. My mother's behaviour towards my niece (aged 13) was so appalling, so shocking, I fell to pieces as I realised that she must have been this venomous towards me. The shock that she has not changed, and still does not love me (or anyone it seems). But she has been so "syrupy" with me, all "darling" and sympathy. It was a trick. And I really thought she was changing and becoming someone with warmth. It turns out that she is as cold as ever.

I will never understand it. My children will not suffer. And my children will not be harmed by this woman. I will be standing in the way.

Unfortunately, my dh does not know anything of this. It is really damaging our marriage. I am sick with worry. What if it can't be repaired? I will have ruined my marriage. I have just made a decision that I have got to start talking to him. Properly. But I'm exhausted.

Midnight , you have made a decision ...your children will be protected.Well done.
Its hard to stand up to toxic relatives , but if you talk to your DH and let him in im sure he will be a rock for you.

No-one here uses self-pity. We practice self-compassion and sympathy for the children we were. "Self pity" is a weapon that was used against us, when we had the temerity to question our families' values. Self-compassion, self-love and self-protection are healthy qualities, which come naturally to those who were loved properly in their formative years.

Thank you for what you said about "little Grace". I'm coming to acknowledge that I still harbour the idea I can't be a princess ... I'll be working on that, and owe you a big one for the insight :)

Midnight, I agree with Droves, you must let your husband in. Otherwise you are staying complicit in the secrecy of the way you were treated. Something we all had to do I'm sure, but something I no longer do, and it's a relief.

I think it's great to realise you are being a functional, loving parent to your own children without carrying on the bad stuff you had to deal with. Although, sometimes I find myself getting too angry and then beat myself up about it for ages. But I'm working on my patient, sing-song voice! I try to always talk to my children as though someone else was listening, so I can never get as angry and threatening as my mum used to.

I sometimes joke to my husband we're "breeding out the crazy"...

Hi everyone

I have been reading all recent posts but everytime I am so overwhelmed I just feel too tired to post all the things I want to say. I can identify with so much that is written here, it is like there is a common code to these abusive and dysfunctional families despite the obvious surface differences.

So I did a strange thing and changed my name and got into some scraps on the AIBU threads. For some reason I was getting so wound up by the culture and tone there. I don't know why, maybe I was triggered?

Grace - Your picture made me cry (and I am not moved to tears easily). It reminds me of when I confronted my adoptive parents about their abuse and my adoptive mother said 'but you had a wonderful childhood you are smiling in all the photographs'. You look so much like me and some of my family around the eyes it is uncanny. It really triggered something. I wanted to hug that girl and urge her to tell the truth, which that smile is hiding. You were a beautiful little girl, it shines from the eyes and that is why you had the insight to break away from the system and do all this work to try and heal.

Smithfield - I am writing too now that I have given up work. I am trying to write a children's book and the main character is very much based on my inner child. It is helping me to connect with her and most days I escape into her world and explore through her eyes and it feels free. However like you I want to be a good writer and fear still holds me back from really trying to make something of it.

Anyone read Roald Dahl's Matilda? Was he one of the first authors to really address the idea of horrible and abusive adults? I still don't understand why as a society it is still taboo, the concept of an unloving mother. My book is about an abused child and her fight for her soul but I want it to be fun and inspiring and maybe to potentially reach children who feel bullied and invalidated. But then I feel like I am living in a dream world with any notion of being a writer. That inner voice says 'who the fuck do you think you are?'.

Smithfield no great writer never had knock backs but from our background it is hard to accept anything less than perfect isn't it?

My adoptive mother/grandma is visiting this weekend for the first time in 18 months. She isn't bringing her evil other half thank goodness. Why I wonder, am I letting her into my life again? It isn't guilt or even fear. I don't give a shit about her anymore. It is expectation from society I suppose which makes me a bit angry. I want to scream 'you still don't understand what a cold, calculating, cruel old witch she was!'.

But who exects this? No one has been explicit in stating this. It is just that no one has said 'don't let that poison back into your life' either. I suppose it is the validation again. However it is very much on my terms and boundaries are much clearer.

How will I cope when she is here? Argh I am waffling and very tired. Thinking of you all

PeppermintPasty, thisishowifeel, midnightblues, lotster, droves, solonely, bookcasefullofbooks - Hi! All of you post things that really resonate with me I am just too tired at the moment to write it all down. Will keep reading and hopefully posting more constructively

And I know I have missed many others off. It is great that so many post but also sad that so many had sad childhoods

I just need to offload something. I am really angry at the comments by certain posters on the "why sexual abuse should be taken seriously" thread. So angry that I want to scream. How can anyone think it is acceptable to keep it in the family? I may have twisted what has been said because I haven't been able to process it all.

Sorry, I didn't think it was appropriate to post on the thread because others were replying in a more reasoned manner but I feel SO ANGRY .

So this is how I spent my day (instead of working)! Caveat: my 10-year-old self chose the accessories, I just photshopped to order. Thank you fro the encouragement, thisis :)

Thanks to you, too Rose, for what you said about my picture. Did we really look similar? Gosh! I know, it's such a pity that a child should have to learn such caution & self-monitoring, at such a young age. Fat lot of good it did, anyway - that little girl tried so hard, all the time, to "get it right" and was punished anyway. No wonder we rebelled! It sounds like you've been getting some of your rebelliousness (and anger) out on AIBU and whyever not? It's a safe outlet. You never know, you might find you were testing some new boundaries ...

A few of my sibs are reaching crisis points in their marriages - been coming for a while. I know some of them will want to talk to me. I'm going to have to play it by ear, but am considering how much I ought to say about the family scripts they've been playing out. If they haven't yet seen it for themselves, they'll resent the suggestion. But if no-one mentions it, my input will be very limited. I guess I'll just have to see what happens, but it's vexing me!

I really want to reply to all today's fabulous posts, but am going to have to get to bed for a change or I'll never catch up on my work!

Much love to everybody,
Princess Grace's Adult Self xxx

Beautiful Grace. What a great way to spend the day. I hope you sleep well. Goodnight x

Bookcase - yes that thread was quite a trigger for me also. Will post more later

Princess grace WOW!!!!! You look fantastic, brilliant and beautiful!!!!!! And I love the fact that little Princess Grace has a fairy/guardian Angel looking over her.

I have found that as I become more connected to Princess Bluebell, I become fiercely protective of her, and that in turn makes me fiercely protective of me.

The mums at school are organising a Christmas night out. There are, as always, two or three women who are judgemental, bitchy and downright unpleasant. I said to the the lovely woman organising the evening, that I really didn't want to spend £25 on an evening in the company of such unpleasant people, who blank me (and others) because I don't drive the right car or wear the right labels. In years gone by I would have gone, done the invisible thing, come home and felt bad/ sad that I wasn't good enough for them. This year they miss out on ME!

I DESERVE BETTER. and saying that, doesn't make me wriggle or giggle, squirm or cry in my discomfort any more....well maybe a bit, but it's going and I am getting bigger and better.

I am being interviewed by the local paper today! :)

bookcase I know how very distressed you are at the moment. I remember sitting on the pavement after overdosing on my very powerful Rheumatoid drugs, waiting for the ambulance to come and scoop me up, in the middle of the night. I'd washed the tablets down with half a bottle of whiskey and just wanted to die. When I woke up, I sobbed my heart out that I was still here, I honestly believed at that time that my children would be better off without such a shitty mother.

I can't believe who I am today, compared to that poor shell who had been battered and drained and just wanted it all to be over.

Nothing ever stays the same, and being here and posting is a massive part of the healing process.

To all the people here, we are already amazing, by surviving our childhoods. More amazing than most. We are princesses.

I can't believe how much I hate those three words...... NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Arse. That's a much better word.

Hello everyone. ItsGraceAgain, what a beautiful post (10 Nov 15.24), thank you. It is so easy to think in terms of self pity, but you are right, I will remember about it when I next feel I am "wallowing".

I did read the "stately home" thread some time back, but it didn't really hit home for me then. Now it does. Every time I read, I cry. I think I am starting to believe that I was wronged by my mother (and father) and that my mother in particular was cruel many times over. Last night I had a flashback and I woke up this morning so angry. Angry at her. She was a bully.

I struggle so much with food. It's her fault. I hate food. I have woken up not being able to eat or drink. I will tell you what she did: I developed anorexia and I thought I hid it from her, but my sister tells me that SHE KNEW. She watched me suffer, and did nothing. She knew I was ill. She turned her back on me.

I have no idea what to do with this anger. I just keep thinking, I hate food. But that's not helping.

Oh, and I did manage to talk to my dh last night a little. I was so nervous. But we did talk, and my dh was very calm and good, no anger from him (which is what I was expecting). I think we understand each other a little better. We must build on this.

Hope everyone has a calm day. Being outside in the wind was good this morning - feeling it fresh on my face, it bought me back to the present moment, instead of stuck in the past.

May I join Please?

I have known of these threads since joining MN and felt both drawn and yet felt 'not worthy' to share and be here.

But the truth is, life has put me in a very bad place and despite counselling and AD's, I am simply lost.

I have spent most of my life being a different 'someone' to deal with things and the last few years of my life have eroded her away. I used to laugh all the time, even in the face of the worst times of my life, but at the moment I don't know how and I don;t know how to be me because I am n not sure who that is anymore.

I found a photo, the only one I have of me a very young child, Grace, after lurking on here last night... She is so sad and had already experienced things that I can't bear to think of.

My Dad was weird, and I find it hard to define what he was but I do know that how he treated me is a million miles apart from how I treat my own children.

That's all I can manage for now. I am crying again. It id like all the sadness and hurt that I pushed away and buried has backed up and it is overwhelming me.

Midnightblues, Food is the thing that we need to be alive.

Anger is ok. If someone has hurt you deliberately, it is perfectly acceptable and completely normal to be angry. Is normal to shout and scream and cry, and hit things that can be hit. Not only is it normal, it's healthy. It is a sign that you are already dealing with these things.

I am thrilled that you have started to let your dh in.

My family always told me that I had "anger issues". My therapist pointed out that I only seemed angry when I spoke about them, and who wouldn't be angry at that kind of treatment, that I was perfectly normal, having perfectly normal and healthy reactions to the way I had been treated, and that I should probably be even more angry than I was appearing to be.

You are allowed to be angry. You have every right to be really fucking angry......with them. Fancy treating a beautiful innocent little girl in such a way?

We are here for you chiaroscuro. Sometimes life is overwhelming, and the "lost" feeling is familiar to us all here, I'm sure.

I am a newbie on the stately home thread too, but it is so important to be here, i think.

Post when you can. Can you get outside, to try to put yourself into the "here and now" rather than your awful past? Treat yourself gently, have you got a warm cuddly jumper or blanket? Anything to be kind to yourself. I will be thinking of you, but I need to go out now. Back later.

Hello chiaroscuro I have read some of your other thread.

Post as much as you can. Take as long as it takes.

(((hugs))

thisishowifeel, you have made me cry. A beautiful innocent little girl. We all deserved so much better.

Not eating means that I can disappear. Not take part in life. Fade away.

It won't last. I will eat again. But right now it is evil and I want to be sick over and over, even though there is nothing there. It's anger over my mother doing this.

Must go I will be late. Thinking of everyone.