"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Book, trs is correct some at samaritans are helpfull some not so... I used to phone in the middle of the night when I could not sleep when going through family court!

Grace, I have been thinking about the housework thing, I theorise that I deconstructed myself since ex left and especially the last year. I was the perfect housewife and mother, I was a follower of anthia turner and kim and aggie and was really into a perfect house... I was the sort of mum who would cook organic from scratch you get the picture... I changed last year when I withdrew from people, I stopped caring about the house and food, to the level I used to, it is actually what I would call dirty at times, and I would never have allowed bedding to be on beds longer that a week before, I am ashamed how long the bedding is on now at times, I have an excuse of reduced mobility and making do, I also think that there was something else going on, I used to clean and tidy and cook and dress for others, for their praise, admiration, judgement etc, I was scared to not have a perfect home/food etc... I realise now that the world won't end if the kids go to school with unironed clothes... i need to think I worth having a lovely clean tidy house, I have never though I was woth that, I did it for the ex, the kids, and others never for me really...

Book another thing I have felt very worthless and down and people have said about the children, that sometimes made me spiral further as I felt great you only want me here for them, I felt even less worthwhile... Book you are worth being here no matter what career you have, children etc... you are worthwhile as you have in the past and will in the future have shaped the world like no one else can, you will have given joy to yourself and others, you are unique no one else could offer anyone the things and experiences you have x and that is special and unique!

Hi can i join you? I currently have a thread on AIBU and someone over there recommended i try here.

Ok my family have treated me like shite for yrs and i think it has finaly come to a head for me, all i can think about is moving as far away from them as possible.

My Mum met my Step-Dad when i was 3 and my brother was 5. They have 4 children together all sisters.
Me and my brother were cained when we were young and then when we were older it would be a beating. This is the first time i have admitted this to anyone.
I was always made to feel like i didnt belong it has been many things over the yrs, my step dad is VERY controlling. When i was young 7-8 i was told to go out to play and not allowed back in for hrs at a time even if it was frezing outside and there was noone else out there.
I was abused sexualy by my step dads Dad for many yrs and when i finaly got up the courage to tell my mum the only thing they did was put a lock on my door to stop him from coming in when he came over.
As i got older 12-13 i had to look after my sisters whilst my mum went to work, do the housework and ironing for the whole family and wasnt allowed out until all this was done.
When i was 19 i fell pg and was bullied no end to have a termination but stood up for myself for the first time in my life DD is now 8, however he (step dad) didnt like my partner DDs dad and i was bullied for yrs until i finaly ended the relationship. dont get me wrong he wasnt good for me at all and it wouldnt have worked but because of all the stress with my step dad going on and on at me i developed eating issues (wouldnt eat) and losts lots of weight until i ended it and then the bullying stopped. I wanted to end the relationship in my own time but wasnt "allowed" to do that i had to do what he said.
Then a few yrs ago i was talking to an aunt when he had fallen out with her and because of this i was "told off" ended up in an argument over it and sisnt speak for 3 months.
And now we have an incident where my sister looked after my house, possibly killed some of DHs birds and definalty didnt feed them properly. Had a 2 parties that i didnt know about in which some of my jewelry and money were stolen and is saying there was an ipod dosking station in my house worth £350 which i havent seen and i am being accused of stealing it? hiding it? breaking it? i dont know but even though Dsis has been shown to be lying over several things in this incident she is being beleived over me and i am being told i am not welcome in their house anymore. My youngest Dsis (10) has told him she thinks he treats me differently and it isnt fair and she told me they are all calling me a liar.

Anyways i almost feel like i am about to have a break down and am seriously considering moving to be near Ils who live about an hr away just to break myself off from them. I cant cope with it anymore its just so toxic and most of the time my mum allows it to happen.

Thanks for reading this far i hope you dont mind me posting.

How did you feel in the three months of no contact?

I don't mind you posting, I get the feeling others won't mind you posting. It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with, my mouth opened so wide when you said your mother's response to your step grandad sexually abusing you was to put a lock on the door, it sounds like your stepfather has the family right where he wants you all even when you are adults...

Why do you want to move to you il's? what is the draw to them?

When i had the 3 months of no contact i didnt miss him it was nice to not have to go there. When i go there i always dread him being there and wonder "what i am going to get moaned at about this time", usualy it is always something. I still saw my Mum but away from the house ifswim.

I am always made to feel like i owe him something because he brought me up, out a roof over my head etc etc when he didnt have too.

My Ils are lovely, i would have free childcare as my MIL has said she will go part time to look after DD2 who is 6 months when i go back to work so saving us money, houses are cheaper whre they live and they are very supportive of us.

Re the abuse, it all came out 10 yrs ago that he had abused Dsis 1 and 2 too. it wasnt until then that i was taken seriously.

Ray, tell me more about your il's and your oh... how long you have known them, their background etc...

It sounds like the 3 months of no contact was beneficial to you, why did you end nc?

despite the pain or realising your sisters went through the same thing, it must have been very validating for you!

Have been with Dh for 8 yrs and have of course known Ils for the same amount of time.
What would you like to know, they dont interver with our life at all, if we have probs we can talk to them if we wish to but they dont "make" us as my step father would, they will offer advise if we ask for it but only then. Its very refreshing not having to justify our actions to them. They treat us like adults. MIL has Step FIL thats who we would be living near. MIL and FIL split when DH was in his early 20s. Their family is close but not what i would call TOO close ifkwim. Dh also has a sister she doesnt have any children of her own and as she is now in her 40s has no plans to have any, she is a lovely person.
They love the DDs very much and would love for us to be near them if we could.
Me and Dh have had some issues in the last yr, re some dishonest internet use but we are getting through that and our relationship is much better now then it was, we talk more about how we feel and what we think.

NC ended because it was christmas and my mum begged me to go there christmas day to see them, i gave in as i always do. I never got an apology from him for his behaviour.

It was very difficult to deal with re my sisters being abused, i felt like i should have made more of a fuss and it would not have happened to them, after a very long time i realised it was wasnt my fault. It was very validating i felt like i was beleived for the first time, however it shouldnt have taken that for me to be believed.

Re my Step Dad - yes he does have ALOT of control over my sisters. I have 2 grown sisters Dsis 24 has 2 DCs and DSis 22 has 3 DCs then there is Sis 18 who caused all the trouble this time.
He has less control over me since i have distanced myself from them quite alot but as they live a mile up the road it is difficult to do that any more then i have.
Examples of him controling are Dsis 22 wanted to go into rented accomadation but because he said no she didnt. If he goes to her house and it is untidy he will tell her to tidy it up and have a go if she doesnt and further things like this.

I have always felt that with DD1 he has never treated her as he does his other grand children and feel very much the same with DD2. He will visit my Dsisters but i live on his way home from work and he will not visit me i have to go to him and if i dont i get moaned at and "you'd rather see Dhs family then us" Thats not true because they live some time away we only see them every couple of weeks if that.
Even with all thats been going on and me not being welcome in his house he is still happy for me to have Dsis (10) after school because it suits him and mum.

God i could go on and on and on and on

Ray, I don't want to freak you out but is it wise to allow contact between your SD and your DDs? Is he fiddling with the 10-year-old yet?

Ifgraceasks sorry i didnt make myslef clear it was my step dads DAD that abused me so my Step Grandfather in effect. I should have re read and seen how that sounded.

My Step dad never sexualy Abused me or sisters and when it came out my sisters had been abused to he never spoke to his Dad again. This also saddened me because when it was just me i dont think they beleived me and thats why they still had contact with him and therefore resulting in my sisters being abused.
Beleive me if it had been my step dad there is no way in hell i would let him near her.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ray! Thanks for explaining.

No wonder it hurt you when your sisters' story confirmed your own - and the knowledge that, if they'd taken you more seriously at first, your other sisters might have escaped the abuse :(

I can understand your wanting to move away from them. We always want to help, but there comes a point where you realise there's no more you can do ... However useless they've been as parents, it's hard to let go of the hope they'll wake up one day and realise they were wrong. How are you coming along with this, in your own mind? I get the impression you feel - responsible for them? Obliged?

It really sounds as though you have a lot of stuff to deal with. Did you manage to get any counselling for the abuse, or have you muddled through all this on your own?

Hi all.

Rose, you haven't posted in a while. Your grandmother was due to visit. How did it go? I hope you're ok. I'm here if you feel up to posting.

Bookcase, it's very, very hard when you're in a black hole and can't see a way out. I found the only way to get through is not to fight my feelings. I just lay in bed, curled up under the duvet (well at the weekend anyway) and eventually the feelings would pass. Don't judge yourself or your feelings. You feel this way for a reason and there will come a time when you will know why. Hope I am helping in some way, if not just ignore.

Nemo, I just wanted to say I can relate to you leaving your spa day and cancelling your college courses. I have done exactly the same thing. About 2 years ago I booked myself onto a course, something I've always wanted to do, but as the start date approached, and my emotional rollercoaster was going faster and scarier than ever, I had to cancel it and luckily managed to get my money back. I gradually learnt that my only 'job' for the time being was to concentrate on getting myself better and I eventually stopped myself from taking on too many things even though normally they would be the sort of things I would have enjoyed. I felt quite sad and a bit of a failure for quite a long time. I used to see the other mums I knew from school doing so much (head of the PSA, part time job, 3 DC's, jogging etc etc) and feel miserable that I could barely manage to look after my 2 DC's let alone do anything else. Now I can see I was being very hard on myself, I had far more on my plate to cope with than those other mums, even though my stuff was invisible ie in my head and now I can see I did a bl**dy good job in looking after the DC's, running the house, working on my issues, and keeping my marriage together with no outside help or support and as well as my emotional issues I had enormous health problems too, to the extent that I was effectively physically incapacitated and disabled. But I soldiered on, getting through one day at a time, sometimes sobbing my way through, but I survived and I am proud of myself for that. I realise I have far more courage, determination, guts, stamina and perseverance inside me than I ever gave myself credit for. I am a real survivor and I am only now beginning to appreciate the true significance of that word when it is applied to people like us, who lived through horrific, abusive, deprived, neglectful childhoods.

Ray I'm glad you found your way to this thread. It is a real sanctuary/safe haven. Your experiences were awful. I can especially relate to how hurt and upset you must have felt when your mother and step father only took the sexual abuse by your step grandfather seriously when your half sisters also reported that they were abused. It's as if your half sisters matter more, are more important and worthwhile and your parents, even your own mother, cares more about them than you. I had exactly the same when growing up. I very quickly learnt to just keep quiet as it was obvious to me neither parent could care less if something was bothering me, neither would even notice and even if I told them I was just ignored. Whereas if there was anything upsetting/bothering either of my siblings my mother especially would be worried sick and even my usually abusive dad would be concerned.

I know that doesn't help you as such but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I hope you'll keep posting.

This is a very moving thread to find. I thought I would add my situation, if nothing more than an encouragement to people struggling to work things out with their parents.

After dd was born, I resolved that things had to improve between me and mum or I was ruling a line under things and walking away.

I let her know of my intentions, and she agreed something had to be done. We took quiet a few trips away together, and talked, talked, talked, for hours, uninterupted, as equals. We forced ourselves into each others company for days on end in strange hotels in strange countries. This took many months.

One trip, after 10 days in Prague, my mother, watching me playing and chatting to my baby daughter, just broke down and sobbed "I would have liked to have a mother like you". This was like the clouds parting and the sun streaming through. Suddenly I saw everything in context, and me and mum now are close friends, tolerant of each others quirks, and on the phone several times a week.

trs, I can relate to the housework thing. And WELL DONE for ordering the paint stripper. I know exactly what you mean when you wonder how it has taken you so long to realise you can actually do things, you have the power and control over your own life to do the things you want and need to do. It is a revelation to me every time I take control of something and just do it. It's a new feeling for me, am not used to it yet and it's not always easy. I still often feel powerless and paralysed.

I can relate to the home decorating discussion upthread. It always struck me how even as a child, I never 'personalised' my bedroom much, it was always quite bare apart from the furniture. Whereas my siblings always made their rooms very homely and comfortable and full of their things, their personalities. I am sure it was because I never felt at home in my parents' house. I always felt like an outsider, and an outsider/lodger wouldn't personalise their room would they?

But even now, in my home, I haven't done much to decorate it or personalise it. But I think that's mainly due to lack of time and money rather than lack of inclination for not feeling at home. But tidying and decluttering are a different story. I hate all the mess but simply cannot bring myself to tidy. If I ever do tidy, my way of doing it is just to throw everything away or give it to charity. I seem to hate simply tidying and putting things away. I LOVE throwing things away but of course can't do that too often or none of us would have any clothes or the DC's their toys. What is that about I wonder?

DH otoh seems to be excellent at tidying properly without just throwing everything away. But then his brain is like a computer, he is totally rational and logical and methodical at all times. A great asset when it comes to tidying, not so great when it comes to emotional issues.

I have realised I get triggered every time somebody on here posts about having a supportive, understanding DH. A DH who is their allie, in dealing with all this stuff. With my H, I don't feel at all supported, or understood. Instead I feel at best tolerated whilst I get on with sorting myself out and I also feel I have to 'rush' and get better as quick as possible as DH is running out of patience and won't put up with me and my problems for much longer. This is also how I was made to feel as a child. Like I was a pita, a nuisance, troublemaker and they were being good enough to tolerate me and have me around despite all the trouble I caused.

H is always telling me he considers himself to be a 'good catch' . Afaic the fact he is coming out with that sort of thing just proves the exact opposite. I am beginning to find him really obnoxious and he seems to be always wanting to convince me how wonderful he is. Surely it should be obvious?

MH it is interesting how you say my H sounds just like your exH. I find myself being drawn to thread where people are splitting up and always feel heartened by reading about how it's very hard at first and then things get easier and even better. H is just not right for me. He could be a good catch, but it all depends on what you're looking for. But whether to split up is not an easy decision. I am getting much better at putting up boundaries and sticking to them, even if he tries to intimidate and threaten me like he used to do. I am also far more emotionally detached from him. If he ignored/interrupted me while I was talking I would get very upset but now I just think silently to myself "What a tw*t!"

midori, that is a lovely story. You are lucky to have a mother who was able to open up to you like that. Revealing her deepest insecurities to you. I am happy for you.

I do sometimes think what would happen if I tried to talk to my mother now. With all the insight I have about myself, with all the wisdon and knowledge I have gained by the journey I am on. I don't really feel any anger towards her these days. I can even feel a sense of forgiveness within me as I can see just how deeply flawed and damaged and weak she was and still is. Perhaps one day. But not just yet, I feel I have more work to do on myself still.

midori, I hope your relationship with your mother goes from strength to strength.

solonely thankyou for sharing that with me.
When it came out that my sisters had also been abused it was awful and i somehow felt that it was my fault. I asked my Mum why they didnt do anything when i first told them and i was told that i told her everything and she told Step Dad but when he spoke to me i realy played it down apparently. I was 12 FFS i was scared and they should have spoke to each other about it but they choose not to and it got swept under the carpet.
Because He (step grandfather) was still alive when it came out my step dad wanted to know everything that had happened and instead of going to my sisters and asking them what happened to them he asked me and i had to tell him everything. he never asked my sisters because it was felt it would be too tramatic for them. The morning after the night i relived all of it i had an emotional breakdown couldnt stop crying it took alot for me to get over that, and i vowed i would NEVER talk about it again although it still goes round in my head all the time (what happened).

My thoughts are a completely jumble in my head i am sorry if alot of my posts dont make alot of sense sometimes i will just write about things as i remember them

For example when i fell Pg with DD1 they wanted me to have a termination and i refused because they didnt like her Dad and had a falling out with him my Step Dad told me i had to leave (was still living with them) and gave me 3 days to find somewhere. My Mum went along with this but will to this day refuse to admitt that i was thrown out.
Yet when Dsis got Pg at 15 her BF went off when she was 8 months pg with another girl, even after that he when DN was born he still aloud to live with them.
I wasnt aloud friends in the house when i was younger with out asking (fair enough) but even if i asked it was NO, yet Dsisters were aloud friends over without a problem and to sleep over too even without asking.

DD2 is 6 months old and i know i am not over the abuse as such (never had councelling have just muddled through) because when we were TTC, it took us 5 yrs and 5 Mc to finaly get her and i was convinced it was Step Grandad stopping me from having another baby even though he was dead. How fucked up is that.

I am so glad that i have found this thread and others that i can talk to about these things. I have 3 very close friends in RL who know what my family is like and are very supportive but have not been there themselves so dont know what its like or the feelings you have.

WRT my "real" Dad when i was 12 he told me that because seeing me was causing too much trouble between him and mum and step dad it was best he didnt see me til i was older. I saw him again when i was 21 and he is more like a friend then i dad.

Sorry to be hogging the thread today. I will go soon, I have a 'posting' window and feel I must use it as it will soon be gone and I won't have time again for another week.

Things with DD are improving so much. I was going to spend the afternoon on MN yesterday. But DD came in and wanted to chat. And instead of pushing her away as I have done in the past or impatiently agreeing to listen to her for a bit and then shooing her away, I found myself happily agreeing to chat. And she cuddled up in bed with me and we had a lovely chat. And the best thing was that not only did she enjoy it, I did too. I didn't feel like I was just a 'listening post' like I sometimes do with her. We actually had a really nice, interesting and funny conversation. It was a revelation. I didn't feel I had missed out on some much needed 'me' time and look forward to the next time DD and I get a chance to have a little chat. And it is something my mum NEVER did with me, not even ONCE. No wonder we ended up so detached and distant. All relationships need investment and nurturing, and after years of difficulties, I feel I am finally beginning to develop a lovely bond with DD. I am more sure now that I am breaking the cycle from my own childhood.

Ray, your mother really let you down and that must really hurt. She seems to have put her other children before you which is awful for you. And I'm sorry to hear about how hard it was for you to have your DD2. I am sure your past experience would have been playing on your subconscious whilst you were ttc her, it's not fucked up at all that you think this is what made it hard for you to fall pregnant and carry a pregnancy through to full term. The mind body connection is immense, don't ever underestimate it. You say you haven't had counselling, I think it would be a very good idea, would you consider it?

Also there are some very good books that will help, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is a good starting point.

Grace how are you? Hope you're ok. I enjoy reading your posts and I like your jokes!

Solonely Thats great that things with your DD are improving, how old is she? Mu Mum never sat and talked to me either we never spent any "us" time together. Now DD2 is here i make sure that me and DD1 get one day a month where we go out and spend it together just the 2 of us whilst DH has DD2. We went ice skating a couple of weeks ago and will take her to see Harry Potter the next time we go out.
I am determined to break the cycle with my DDs and WILL NOT allow DD1 to be treated differently by Dh just because he isnt her Bio Dad. I am very strong with him about how i will allow the DDs to be treated and he knows this.
For example because i was cained and smacked when i was younger and it effected me so much (made me scared, i was even scared to got to the toilet in the middle of the night incase i was smacked) , i do not beleive in it and will not allow Dh to smack either, the 1 or 2 times he has smacked DD1 (on hand) i have completely gone off on one and been VERY angry with him. What i cannot understand more then anything is that my mum couldnt do this, she couldnt stand up for us (me and DB) and tell Step Dad not to smack or cain us. But now when step dad shouts or tells Dsis (10) off she will stand up to him and not allow it. Why couldnt she do it for us? My DDs come first and are my world i will do anything i can to protect them and DH knows this and is very acceptin of this.
i should also point out that my other Dsis were not smacked either so there is a clear division there.

I would consider counselling but i am not sue what exactly to expect and how it would help me in the long run.
I just feel like i need to get away from them, they will bitch about me behind my back SD and Dsis (22) and then still be happy for me to have their kids when they want me to and to walk all over me. Dsis has owed me £60 for over a yr and still not paid it back even though we are realy struggling for money i just wish to god they thought about me for once. So far as i know Dsis (24) hasnt got involved in the latest saga and i wouldnt want her to but i still think i need to get away

God i am so sorry to go it is quite refreshinh to get this out even if it does hurt alot.

Ray, sorry I disappeared for a bit, had to go and sort out some lunch.

DD is 7. I do wish I had been able to see her for the beautiful, caring, thoughtful and sensetive little girl she is a long time ago. But I was too damaged to be able to do that. How old is your DD1?

It's so lovely to hear how protective and caring you are towards your DDs. And the ice skating sounds wonderful. I might do that myself with DD if we have time before Christmas. I'm taking her to see Cinderalla at the Royal Opera House in December, we've been there a couple of times together. I wish I could say unreservedly that we had a nice girly day out on the previous occasions but that wouldn't be true. I was at times quite impatient and just 'annoyed' with her, just for being there which is ridiculous as I had taken her there with me. But I can see now how I was re-enacting my own childhood, my mum would always be annoyed with me, simply for being there.

Like you I am very protective over my DC's. I am glad your DH accepts this and furthermore knows he will have you to deal with if he oversteps the mark with your DD's. I also wonder about my mother. Why she couldn't have done this with me instead of just standing and watching like a frightened mouse whilst my dad laid into me. Both our mothers were/are weak and cowardly. Whereas we are strong. Our DC's are lucky we are not like our own mothers.

I love the way you are so considerate of your DD1's feelings and will not allow her to be treated differently to your other DD by your DH. I can sense your love and your fierce determination in your posts to make sure your DD never goes through what you went through as a child and I know you are breaking the cycle of abuse. Be proud of yourself for that. It's almost an 'invisible' achievment, but it's HUGE.

Your gut instinct is telling you to get away from your mother and stepdad. My gut instinct told me that too, over 4 years ago. I think the little voice inside me had been trying to tell me that for years (hence the lengthy periods of time I spent abroad thinking I loved travelling, actually I was just getting away from my family) and I finally listened to it 4.5 years ago and broke off all contact with my parents. I have never once regretted that decision, I only wish I had done it sooner. Going nc was essential for me to heal and recover from the damage done by my parents. If that is what you feel, I would strongly suggest you trust in your feelings and cut contact. It doesn't have to be permanent, just as long as you need to heal the pain they have caused you.

You are an adult now. You don't have to be treated badly by them or anyone. You can choose to walk away and leave them to find somebody else to dump their toxic rubbish onto.

It was not an easy process SoLonely, but being in nuetral territory helped a lot. It helped us both get out of the bad patterns of communication we were both stuck in.

I came across an idea for venting anger that I'm going to try. It sounds a bit mad but I think it'll do the trick for me. It consists of slamming ice cubes into the bath! They make a bit noise and crack and splinter and I think I will use up the enormous energy that I feel sometimes when I get really angry.

I have found myself getting extremely angry at little things recently. I was trying to get things out of the freezer and a load of things came tumbling out (because one of the drawers is broken) and I suddenly felt myself filling up with rage. I felt I was angry at DH but don't really know why getting things out of the freezer would make me angry with DH? He had bought a couple of things and put them in the freezer, he had just dumped them in and because of this they came tumbling out when I was trying to get something out. I could understand a bit of mild irritation at this (ie DH not stacking things properly so they don't come tumbling out on anyone who opens the freezer) but the enormous rage I felt seemed out of proportion.

I also felt very angry at DH when I couldn't work the tv a few nights ago. DD had been using it and left it 'frozen' (it's quite high tech and I think it had 'crashed' like a pc) and I was struggling to get it to work so I could watch something. I couldn't call DH for 'tech support' as I usually do as he was in a late meeting at work. I was absolutely fuming and got the baseball bat out and had to stop myself from smashing the tv in and instead I bashed the sofa for a bit.

I really think I have a lot of rage stored up inside me against DH. Over the years he has said so many nasty hurtful things, made so many unfair judgments about me and criticised me endlessly. I always felt too paralysed and powerless to defend myself and sometimes just tried to get away from him by going into another room but he would follow me or physically stop me from the leaving the room so he could continue his verbal assault on me. I think all my rage against him is now rising up and being triggered by the slightest thing. When I have got very angry at H he calls me 'mental' and says it's obvious I still have a ton of issues to sort out. He WILL NOT ever accept that he has ever put a foot wrong or that he might have his own issues which have been thrown into our 'mix' and added to our marriage problems. But he has read Toxic In Laws and readily agreed that his parents had been toxic towards me. The books says every set of toxic in laws are also toxic parents. But that little nugget seems to have gone right over H's head. He refuses to face himself and his own issues. Instead it's far easier to blame all of our problems on me. I am sure that I have more, worse and deeper issues than H, but that doesn't mean he has NO issues as he seems to think.

I really feel as if I hate him sometimes. No wonder I have completely gone off sex with him. Only he thinks I am now frigid. Me going off sex couldn't possibly have anything to do with the way he has treated me. I am sure he married me because he could sense that I had no boundaries, that he could walk all over me and always get what he wanted and he was right. I am sure that if I had put up and enforced healthy boundaries early on in our relationship, he would have walked away. He wanted a doormat and he did have one. Now I have recovered my damaged self confidence and self esteem he doesn't like the new much more disagreeable and a lot harder 'me'. Even his friends say so much about him. They are all lacking in confidence, always seem to be plagued by bad luck and make bad choices. H likes to have people like this around him because he can push them around and feel successful and superior next to them. He has literally no friends of his own age, (most of his friends are a lot younger than him) and nobody who is doing well careerwise and has a happy personal life. I think he would feel threatened and inferior next to such a person and so he avoids them.

Sorry I know this is a rambling rant but I really need to get this stuff off my chest.

I am also angry at a few other random people I have had in my life in the past. Again partly due to their own issues which they took out on me and my own failure to put up boundaries and push them back when they tried to walk over me. But I am nowhere near as angry with these other people as with H. Even a simply conversation with H leaves me fuming. He is so patronising and arrogant. I find him very unlikeable these days.

Solonely Dont worry about disappearing i understand the lunch thing

DD1 is 8. I am the same as you and sometimes find myself getting impatient and annoyed with her for no reason at all and again like you i know this is because my mum never spent any time with me. The Ice skating is a lovley idea and i prefer that to going to the cinema etc because it means i help her skate and we talk so are realy spending time together rather then just sitting in silence ifswim.

It has taken me and DH sometime to get where we are. when it was just DD1 he always said i wouldnt let him smack because he wasnt her realy Dad, i had to make it clear to him that even if he was her Dad i wouldnt allow it and now DD2 is here he is well aware of that and accepts it which is good.
I think it is hard to accept how my mum was like that because i would protect my DDs with every fibre of my being and i cannot understand how she could be so weak and cowardly and stand and watch whilst we were cained and NOT do something.
I need to accept that as it is i think i will never change what happened i can just make sure it doent happen to my DDs. Just like you are with yours.

I worry constantly that i am not doing enough for my DDs, that i dont spend enough time with them esp DD1, i worry that they will be abused and i will not noticed pick up the signs. I'm scared that i cant do whats best for them even though i am trying my best.
I make sure i am there for DD1s sports days, parents evenings and all things going on in school, my mum never did these things and if i miss something by mistake i beat myself up about it for weeks. I still feel guilty because DD1 had a school lunch i was meant to go to but she didnt tell me so i missed it.

Thankyou for noticing the things you have in my posts and for telling me, it does help make me feel better about breaking the cycle.

My gut is definately telling me to get away from them, if i stay here and after this drama is over i will get sucked back in and it will all happen all over again.

How far away did you move from your parents ? what prompted you to do this. Did you have many friends where they lived and how did you find making friends where you are now? I am worried about DD1 changing schools making new friends, she is close to my Dsis (10) so concerned about that too. Good i think i worry too much.

I know i am now an adult i am 29 FFS but my Step dad still makes me feel like a child and like i am being "told off". If he comes round shouting the odds i have never considered telling him to get out of MY house until the last few days, i dont even know if i would have the guts to do it if it came to it thats why i need to get away.

sorry it takes so long for me to post too am trying tp post between seeing to DD1 and 2 esp DD2 who is constant of course because she is 6 months bless her.

Solonely- sorry our posts crossed.

I honestly dont realy know what to say re your H. I realy feel for you re the anger thing i get that to towards Dh but he isnt like your Dh he is very kind and caring and although we have had our issues over the last yr we are getting through it. But the little things i get sooooooooooo angry about are just silly so i know where you are coming from.

Do you have counselling? if you do would your H agree to go with you and listen to you and take it in with a third party present, just a thought i may be way of the mark.

SL, thanks for asking after me. I'm down atm - I've got some idea of what it's all about, which is progress, and am just going to have to give myself even more time to let it work through. I do feel tempted to just "forget about it and get on with things" but, even if I could do that, I know where it gets me in the end. The slow, difficult route is more likely to work. Dammit!

It's odd how much more angry I feel towards your H than towards my XHs! I'm positively boiling on your behalf, that anyone who professes to care about you would dismiss your feelings as 'wrong'. He sounds quite unbalanced in his own way; I think you've probably evaluated him correctly and am pained for you, that you're having to fight your battles at home as well as inside your head & in the wider world.

I 'married my dad' both times, although the two men were very different. X#1 had Dad's violence and vanity, though he was much more socially adept and more creative than my father. X#2 wasn't violent as such but he was contemptuous of people in general, women in particular and me especially. All three men were prone to rage, sullen, dishonest and suffered an insatiable need for adoration. It still shocks me that I was so willing to provide it, and to tolerate their negativity.

What you said about travelling resonated with me, too! I very much 'took myself with me' when travelling - constantly getting into scrapes because of my non-existent boundaries - but, whilst away, had several basic revelations such as "I have a right to be here". I've never really felt I had a right to be anywhere, except in non-english-speaking countries where nobody knows me!! Yes, I can see the lesson in it: I need a heck of a lot more work in that area but, nonetheless, I will go and live elsewhere if I manage to get enough funds in place. It's funny, as I do love my country. But I hate our climate, prefer sunnier lifestyles and, frankly, have no ties here once I dump the illusion of a close family. I'm still having difficulty with that - perhaps because of Christmas approaching. How will your Christmas be?