"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hi Ray, yes I agree the ice skating sounds lovely and I also agree about doing something where you can talk and laugh and not just sit next to each other in silence. I don't regularly do such things with DD, but I think your idea of 1 day a month is good and realistic given our busy schedule. I am going to try and do that too, will put it in the diary so it doesn't get forgotten. It is a revelation to me as to how I am actually wanting to do things with DD. Before I was always trying to avoid her (in a subtle way, I never made it obvious I hope ) as something inside me just made me feel so anxious and worried about being alone with her. But my mother was the same with me. She never seemed to want to be alone with me. She would always make sure at least one of my siblings was there too. I remember once we were on holiday and I asked my mum to go on a walk along the beach with me. She agreed, but then asked my sister along and my sister wasn't ready to go and we had to wait for her and inside I was really upset that my mum didn't want to go alone with me and insisted on making me wait for my sister, but on the outside I showed only anger and ended up being angry at my mum and my sister then had a go at me for being angry with our mum when "she does so much for all of us". My sister was really angry with me and I couldn't even begin to explain why I was so angry and upset about the walk.

I'm glad neither you nor your DH smack your DDs, either of them. Neither me nor H have ever smacked our DC's (well I did smack DD once on the bottom, not very hard, not proud of that) so that is one issue we seem to agree on. But when they were younger I used to threaten to smack them and even though I never did the threat was as bad as actually doing it I think. I don't do that anymore. I hope and think the DC's knew I would never have done it but maybe I'm wrong.

I agree with you about stopping trying to fathom out how and why our mothers never protected us when they should have. We will never really know unless they choose to tell us, if they even know themselves, and like you said all we can do is work on ourselves and do our best to make sure we give our DC's all the things we never had as children, love, attention and protection being two important things.

I can also relate to the worry about the DC's, whether I am damaging them/have already damaged them because of my own issues. DS has just started school and is very shy. A mum just casually said to me she tbhought he was insecure (hence the shyness at school) and although I don't think she is right as he is just a shy boy and takes a while to come out of his shell, her comment struck a raw nerve as I am secretly very worried about both DC's and whether they are insecure deep down inside even though outwardly they appear to be ok. I am sure my severe PND and childhood issues must have affected our relationship and the bonding process and I worry because even though I'm better now I can't turn the clock back and change how things were after they were born.

You are doing loads for your DDs, like you said, already far more than your mother ever did for you. Perhaps it is just part of being a mother that we will always worry and never feel we are doing enough? But the fact you are worrying is a sign that you care. You care enough to worry. My parents didn't even give a moments thought to the effect their neglect and abuse might have on me let alone worry about this. Even now I am sure they are mystified as to why I have cut them off. They think they were fantastic parents! I don't think, even the day after an abusive incident, my parents ever thought let alone worried about what effect it might have had on me. I know I'm not an expert Ray, but I think you are already a damn sight better than both our parents put together.

Re moving away, it was more H who insisted we move away from my parents. I sort of wanted to stay close by, not too close, but quite close, I was scared to move away and be forced to stand on my own two feet with their 'support'. This is what they had always drummed into me anyway, that I needed them and I could not survive on my own.

But I luckily listened to H and my own gut instinct, and we bought a house over an hour's drive away from both sets of parents. I didn't know anybody here, not one person. And there is no denying it has been very, very hard. My closest friend still lives in the area where I grew up and I miss her a lot. I also have cousins in that area, who I also got on well with and I miss them too. I have very, very gradually and slowly started making friends locally. It has been so hard as I have been consumed with my issues and not been able to socialise much and so when DD started school, I sort of missed the boat in making friends with the other mums as I was simply not up to it. Now DS has started school and I am feeling so much stronger, I feel I have been given a second chance and I am making the most of it and have already met some lovely new mums some of whom I hope will become good friends over time.

I feel proud of what I have achieved. It has been hard but it has given me so much confidence. I would never have believed I could move so far away from everyone I knew and create a whole life for myself from scratch. It's still a work in progress but I can see that one day I will truly be able to say I have some very good friends in this area. I am still in touch with my old friends, we go back a long way, over 20 years and have a bond that I hope will last a lifetime. Cutting ties with family has made me value and appreciate my friends more and the more I put into my friendships the more I seem to get out of them which is a new experience from me. I used to put a lot into my relationship with my family, I tried so hard to be kind, thoughtful, honest, helpful and generous to all of them. But it was never noticed, never appreciated and certainly never reciprocated. My efforts were wasted and now I am choosing far more carefully where I invest my time and energy. It's so nice when a friend appreciates something you do for them and says thank you or returns the favour. I NEVER had that with my family. They would just take take take and never gave anything back.

If you move, your DD will be fine. My DD has got 2 new girls in her class at school and they have been welcomed and included in everything and seem to have settled in very well. Your DD will have you looking out for her so she has everything she needs to help her adapt to a new school/friends etc.

You should tell your step dad to leave if he comes to your house and treats you disrespectfully. You and your DH should stand united and ask him politely to leave. I'm sure your stepdad will be stunned by your actions. Or yes, you could just leave altogether. I personally am glad we left the area completely, I know I can step out of my front door and there is no chance at all of bumping into any of my family. That makes me feel safe and is one less thing to stress about.

Hi Grace, sorry cross posted. My last one was an epic!

Am sorry you are down atm. Feel free to post more if you wish. I agree that getting on with things and ignoring just serves to put off the inevitable so well done you for facing it and dealing with it.

Hey, thanks for your support re H. I feel guilty for writing about him on here, after all he does do a lot for me, (just like my parents did_ and yes it is hard fighting in my head and at home with him. I'll cope though, nothing can be as hard as dealing with my parents so H should be a walk in the park! Hope I don't live to regret that. From what you've said, my H sounds like your XH2. He is always talking about needing to have his ego massaged! I rarely indulge him and even if on occasion I have done, I always get the feeling it just goes over his head or is not good enough. I am sure he is looking to me fill needs left unmet by his mother in particular. She is very critical and judgmental and I am sure he grew up being criticised constantly and praised hardly ever. I also think they have a role reversal thing going on, he acts like he is her parent sometimes not the other way around.

DH is also prone to sudden huge rages. I have told him he needs to learn some anger management techniques which he has reluctantly recently agreed to but I know inside he thinks it's all my fault. If only I wouldn't provoke him, he would never get angry. The only way not to provoke him is to keep my mouth shut at all times, never disagree with him, never say no to him, never point out when he has done something wrong etc etc. Am sure you get the picture.

If you would feel happier in another country and another climate then I would say go for it. Like you say you have no real ties in this country and you could still post on here so what have you got to lose! I would up sticks and leave to if it weren't for the DC's.

I am actually not too worried about Christmas this year. Usually at least some of it is spent at the in-laws, although I never go as MIL is another toxic person I have cut out. But I do feel very sad and lonely whilst the DC's and DH are away. But this year me, DH and the DC's are going somewhere hot and tropical for 2 whole weeks! And we are looking forward to it except I am worried about the water and mosquitos and what DS will eat and will the pool be clean enough and will the plane crash/get hijacked etc etc etc.........

Grace, what are your plans for Christmas?

SL Your family sounds very much like mine always take, take, take and NEVER give anything back. I dont know if you are like me but i can never say NO to them, or at least find it very hard. i am starting to but its slow going.
For example Dsis (22) has been calling me a liar behind my back, i know this but i still agreed to have her son DN for her Thurs morn. I dont know why on earth i did but i did, i just let them walk all over me.

You sound like you have done so well to move away from everyone you know and build a life for yourself and DCs at least if we move i will be near Ils so will have some support around me. I am sure your son is just shy as you say and you havent done anything to effect him or your DD for that matter. Again like me you worry about what you are doing and like you i think that is alot more than our parents did for us. I think the fact we are aware of it makes us better parents to our DCs.

I feel very very tired with all of them tbh and dont want DDs growing up seeing me so stressed and upset all the time. i just dont have the emotional energy to deal with them anymore.

Can i ask where you are in the country? i'm in the south.

Ray, yes our families sound very similar. Not only could I not say no to them, I would offer to go out of my way for them, do things for them, put myself out for them, be generous with birthday gifts etc. Because that's the sort of person I am, and that's how I treat the people I love and care about. But they clearly didn't love me or care about me and NEVER once thanked me or appreciated what I did for them.

Your family are draining your energy when you need it for yourself and your DH and DDs. Please think carefully about how to avoid being affected negatively like this. It is highly unlikely that any of them will change. So the only real choices you have are either to accept them as they are or walk away. If you can move near your ILs and have some help and support there then all the better. It will be hard at first but in the long run I am sure the benefits will outweigh any difficulties. The other option is not trying to make them change but staying where you are but asking them to leave you alone and give you some space, do you think you could ask that and would they agree and stick to it?

SL I could ask them but it would open up a big can of worms tbh they would want to know why in great detail and then there would be arguments because they see my up bringing differently to me and disagree intirley with some of the things i remember and i havent made these things up they did happen and they make me question myself. If they then agreed to it it couldnt realy work as DD goes to the same school as DS (10) and DNs so i would see my Dsis every day the only other option is changing Dds school here and if i am going to do that i may as well go the whole hog ifswim.

I would also offer to do things for them and put myself out for them, birthday gifts etc but i have stopped this i dont offer anymore although i cant say no if they ask i dont offer. i dont bother with birthdays either just a card now so i have kind of made a stand although i know they are all saying things behind my back about me being selfish etc etc and probably blaming DH for my change.

Back to school tomorrow, i am dreading picking Dsis up as then someone has to pick her up from mine and if it isnt mum it is step dad which means i will be on tenter hooks wondering what he will say when he picks her up. It isnt right that i am uncomfortable in my own bloody home i though i got away from that when i moved out of their house.

Thanks for listening to me and offering me support it realy does help thankyou so much.

No Xmas plans. Either Mum or sis will invite me or I'll stay in bed! Not sure which is worse ... Yes, I am: Mum's. Loving the sound of your tropical break, SL! What a great idea. Hope you make it through the hijack, crash, malaria, dysentery, heatstroke, robbery, (have I missed anything?)!

Just popping by to say hello and I hope you are all doing okay. Little one isn't sleeping well so am very tired and struggling. Thank you everyone for all of your help. I do appreciate it.
Hugs to all x

Very pleased to hear from you, Bookcase :) I was wondering how you were. Sorry to hear about the sleep, you must be feeling really stretched. Calpol? More Calpol??

Hi Grace. We have started using Calpol. I think she is teething but I also think we've been doing all the wrong things in terms of teaching her about sleep. We've just started a routine but she will only settle when cuddled by one of us and sucking on one of our fingers!

In the early days we rarely put her down because we were so overwhelmed by the love we felt. Now I'm thinking we did the wrong thing. I won't leave her in her bed crying but want a little time to myself every now and then.

She will settle into the routine. You haven't don anything wrong. I think it's important that you're making sure she feels safe when going to sleep :) Shouldn't take more than a couple of weeks (I know!!)

When I was a nanny - long time ago - we used to rub brandy on teething gums! but Then they invented Calpol, hurrah.

I wish I had someone real to talk to when I feel so sad. Been on a thread where a woman is being treated horribly by her H and they have a little girl.
It reminds me of when my mum was being abused by SD and I saw it all and she still wouldn't leave him. I feel so angry sad and frightened for this girl that I want to rescue her.

My mum never left him and he started hurting me. I feel really little right now and frightened and lonely and sad and I have to be a mum tomorrow but have noone to be here for me.

I wish i could stop being hurt by people that clearly dont give a flying fuck about me.
Last week FB update was "had a lovely meal out with Mum Dad and my sisters tonight great night with the family" and then last night "great night with the family tonight". God i want to cry.

Bookcase am so sorry you are feeling so sad it must be awful not having anyone to talk to when you feel like this.
I am so glad i joined you all because not only can i get support but can give support when it is needed.
I am so sorry your Mum was weak too its hard to stomach when you know damn well that hell would freze over before we let our Dcs be hurt. I dont understand why she didnt stand up for you too but know how you feel.

Hope your feeling alittle better this morning.

Ray, I know what you mean. I still feel hurt when I find out about things my family have done together/with extended family and I know they've all had a good time. It makes me feel like they are all out there,together, merrily getting on with their lives, whilst I am a wreck at times, crying, depressed, ill, miserable, lonely. I feel as if they don't give me a moment's thought, how am I coping with bringing up 2 DC's alone, as well as dealing with all the emotional baggage they have dumped me with.

Am sure wrt my emotional baggage, they think it's all in my mind and I only have these issues because I am oversensetive/exaggerating/choose to focus on the negative and fail to see all the positive things they have done for me.

I felt upset the other day after receiving an email from a cousin who casually mentioned she had met up with my sister for lunch recently. It seems that my sister is having a wonderful time, has just bought a lovely, huge, expensive house, partly paid for by our dad, has help on tap when she needs it for her DC's, (not that she needs much help anyway as she's not struggling with similar emotional baggage to me nor health problems etc) whilst I am in pieces a lot of the time. It's not my sister's fault that I was abused and not her, but it hurts that she has never once shown the tiniest bit of concern or consideration for me. She's concerned about our parents, who make sure people feel very sorry for them because they never see their grandchildren, but in the 4 years since I cut ties with our parents, she has never once, indicated that she is thinking about me, concerned for me, worries about me etc etc. And this is after years and years of accepting help, support and advice from me. Ray like you said with our families it's just take take take from us, and we get nothing back whatsoever in return.

To answer your question about how to stop feeling hurt by them, I wish I had the solution. I thought I was 'over' my siblings not caring about me, but then I got upset about this email which proves I am not over them.

Perhaps all we can do at times when we feel hurt and upset like this is acknowledge our pain and take care of ourselves, be kind to ourselves, nurture ourselves, until we feel better. Avoid negative toxic people as much as we can and try and find kind, supportive people to be around. Easier said than done, I know.

SoLonely Its very hard to explain the hurt you feel isnt it when you hear about these things that they have done together and purposely not invited you, said anything to you. In the summer i was at my aunts and my mum turned up with Dsis (10). Dsis asked me if i was coming to the BBQ that evening and i said "i havent been invited", my mum heard me i know she did but didnt ask me to go. However when i brought it up with another of my Sisters i was told she did ask me to go. Ummm think i would remember that.

I am very close to my aunt and her family is like my family ifswim so i spent alot of time in the summer around her house for BBQs and also my cousins too.
Guess what my family HATE it Esp my Step father as when i see him and i say have been to aunts i get comments such as "Still up her arse then" i just laugh it off when i should say "i dont get fucking invited to yours so what do you expect".

My Grandad lives with my Aunt and as he is 89 and cant get around much i sometimes go and stay for the weekend to give her a break, i like doing it for her but she always says Thankyou and she has just given me a rabbit hutch for nothing (its hughe), i offered her money but she wouldnt take it. I know damn well if my mum had given it to me she would have wanted money for it.

My family are going out this weekend (girls weekend) and i was invited to this one but i dont want to go tbh i am so fed up with not being included that i dont want to be included. Does that make sense?

I am so sorry that your sister doesnt show any consideration for you. You're right it isnt her fault that you were abused and not her but it wouldnt hurt her to have alittle understanding of how you must feel. some people are so wrapped up in their own little bubble they cannot see things going on around them esp to those they are meant to care about.
Your parents will make people feel sorry for them re not seeing their grandad children but you can be damn sure they arent telling people WHY that is, if others were to hear your side i am sure that they wouldnt feel so sorry for your parents. But then again are they worth the effort? i dont think they are.

BTW i too am like you classed as Over sensitive/exaggerating/ making too much of things not focusing on the positives. They realy don't realise that we wouldn't feel like we do unless we had a very good reason too.
I have always been made to feel that i OWE step Dad something because he brought me up when he didnt have too. My point is i did't have a choice in the matter i was 3 yrs old FFS when they met. I want to throw it back in his face and say if my mum hadnt met you then i wouldnt have been abused by YOUR DAD but then of course i would be the Evil ungrateful little bitch wouldnt i.
I can say one thing for certain DH WILL NOT be throwing that in DDs face because she OWES him nothing he has chosen to be with me and therefore chose to bring her up.

What makes me so angry at the moment is that i KNOW that my Dsis is calling me a liar behind my back wrt my items being stolen but she is still happy for me to look after her children. I know she is doing this because she can walk all over me and i hate it because i should say something but cant without getting Dsis (10) into trouble and i dont want to do that.

What we need to remember is we DID NOT deserve all we have gone through and therefore we should be kind to ourselves and take care of ourselves. There are people out their that are very supportive, infact i have 2 very close friends that are more like Sisters to me then my real sisters. One of them has been on holiday whilst all this has been going on and my god i miss her like hell, she is back tomorrow and i cannot wait to see her. she doesnt have siblings so views me as a sister too and my Dds call her auntie, infact she is the one my Dds would go to if anything ever happened to DH amd Me. The ONLY reason i am reluctant to move so far away is because of her but i know she would come and see me and i would come and see her.

Hows your day been, how are you feeling?

I am still feeling sick am waiting to hear from insurers re my stolen items and the mystery ipod docking station (i hope they dont cover the ipod thing). Am also waiting to hear from the police, i know they will prob be incontact re the ipod thing, all i can tell them is i havent seen it but still feel like i have done something wrong. I am sure they will get a full run down of how awful i am, liar etc etc even though my family have no reason to beleive this i realy dont know why they do. sometimes i think it would have been easier if i had kept quiet about my things and brought dsis friend a ipod thing just to keep them off my back.

I know the following will sound like an incoherent ramble but I just need to get it off my chest.

I have been feeling really upset at the recent news about Prince William and Kate M getting engaged. I know it sounds crazy, but just seeing them on tv and all the pictures, they looked so happy and excited, especially Kate. There was one photo of her with glowing skin, sparkling eyes and a beaming smile. And I knew what she was feeling. It's how I felt when DH and I got engaged. And we had a lovely wedding and have got some lovely photos to remember it all by. But not long after we got married it all started going horribly wrong. I got pregnant with DD, and I think in hindsight I had ante natal depression which after the birth turned into post natal depression. And my health issues flared up and my life basically unravelled. And I feel so sad at what I missed out on, on what I see other couples and mums experiencing. After getting married, the arrival of a lovely baby, and the mums, tired but happy and over the moon. I never had any of that. I was hit immediately with PND and health issues, I didn't get to experience even one minute of just happiness and joy at having a baby. And it all came as such a shock. Not the usual shock to the system that every mum experiences after her first baby, but the shock once I realised that I had so much, heavy, emotional baggage that I had been carrying around with me for years without even realising it. It was like carrying round an silent invisible unexploded bomb which went off after having DD and blew up my life as I knew it.

It's so unfair that so many of us have suffered such a huge loss, all because of our parents and their abuse and neglect. I can never get back that time now, it's gone forever. It's such a special time with a brand new baby, when I see new mums I can often see the joy and happiness they feel, along with the usual tiredness and stress and worry of a new baby, and I feel so sad at what I never got to experience. And my family are right now just happily carrying on with their lives with no idea just how much they have taken from me. I'm not sure I'll ever get over this loss. We are not having any more children so there are no more chances for me. I had 2 chances and both times they were ruined by my emotional baggage. Sorry I know I#m not explaining myself very well, am crying now.

There's lots of talk of how Kate comes from a close and loving family (I hope that is really true) and so I feel fairly sure that she, nor they, as a couple will experience anything of what I have done. When DH and I got engaged and married our future looked so bright, people always said how lovely we both looked in our wedding photos. How little did we know that it would turn into the nightmare it has become? Marriage problems, health problems, emotional problems, all because of my parents and their horrific 'parenting' if it can be called that. They owe me so much for what they have taken from me. And I still haven't heard anything from my dad about the money he supposedly wnated to give me.

OK, I know that was a real self indulgent rant, sorry. Feel better for getting it out of my head.

Ray hi cross posted. I am glad this forum is anonymous, I feel embarresed already about posting about the royal engagement. But seeing them just seemed to trugger me.

Ray, I so know what you mean when you talk about not being invited to things your family are doing. I have had that all my life. My mum and siblings were like a little tro, always off together doing things, always together. Or my sisters would do things together. But I was never invited and like you, even if sometimes, rarely, they thought to ask me, I would also say no as I was so fed up of always not being invited. It sounds so topsy turvy doesn't it, to be upset at not being invited and then saying no when you do get invited? But I can tell you know exactly what I mean and vice versa, but I feel if I tried to explain that to somebody else they wouldn't have a clue.

You are very lucky to have such a lovely aunt. How is she related to you? Is she your mum's sister?

And I understand about being made to feel we OWE our parents for bringing us up. I am made to feel like I owe my dad and he was actually my dad, not my step dad like yours! But even so, like you said, you were 3, you had no choice and he didn't do you any favours anyway. You would have been better off without him in your life by the sounds of it.

And yes, I'm the evil ungrateful little bitch too. We must be the evil twins or something! Re your sis, who's calling you a liar, I know how it must hurt and anger and annoy you. It's a difficult situation and I would probably solve it just by walking away and cutting her off but it doesn't seem as if that is an option for you right now. Sorry Im not much help.

You are lucky to have such good friends in RL. I have a couple of close friends too, wish my DC's knew them better, they live quite far away so I tend to go and see them alone.

I hope things get sorted wrt your stolen items. I know how you feel about your family slagging you off when they have no reason to. Me too. My dad has accused me of all sorts, computer hacking (DH will tell you I can barely manage to turn my PC on by myself never mind hack into my dad's computer) pre-meditated visits and stays at his house after having DS just so he and my mother would have to run around after me instead of MIL (long story for another time) when in fact nobody was running around after me, I looked after myself.

whoops, trigger me not trugger me!

Feel completely drained. Emotions can be so exhausting.

Something else triggered me a few days ago. A friend told me about somebody she knew who had also developed a serious disabling illness after having a baby. She mentioned that her friend received a lot of government financial help which I presume she used to pay for a carer/housekeeper/cleaner/nanny as she was often too unwell to get out of bed. It made me cry as I am just like that friend. I'm not so bad now, but around 2 years ago, I was essentially disabled with my emotional and health problems. But nobody recognised that I was incapacitated and that I needed help with day to day life. I don't know how I got through that time tbh, looking back now. I was at rock bottom in every way possible but just had to struggle on with day to day life, the DC's, schoolwork, housework, shopping, cooking, cleaning, school run, unfriendly cliquey mums, having to put on a happy face when I was dying inside, a resentful DH who was annoyed that I wasn't being the wife he had expected when we got married, annoyed that he had to take up the slack because I couldn't cope and needed to sleep at the weekends, the nightmare list just goes on and on. If it doesn't kill you it only makes you stronger may be true, but whilst I was going through all that it certainly felt like I was one step away from death. By sheer luck I think there was never the straw that broke the camel's back but that's all it would have taken I think, one more tiny thing and it would have been the end of me. My doctor wanted to admit me to hospital twice, I was on countless rounds of anti-biotics because i was so run down i would catch everything going. DH would get angry if I was ill and go off to work and I would have to crawl out of bed, put on a brave face for the DC's and somehow get them to school and nursery and try and ensure they had a semblance of a normal life with play dates and days out and the park etc etc. I am amazed that little old me did all that, especially when my family see me as useless and lazy. All that time I had no carer,housekeeper,nanny,cleaner etc etc, I had to do it all myself. No wonder I feel about 100 years old now. I think the last 5 years have aged me about 50 years. I am not dead though. Somehow I made it through. And I am definately stronger for it. But there is still a long way to go.

SoLonely - Don't be embarassed about the royal engagement.

Anyone who has suffered a major bereavment will be triggered/reminded of their lost one frequently and probably in the strangest ways. People have said they learn to live with their loss but it never goes away completely.

Well we all suffered a major loss at the beginning of our lives. The loss of parental love and security. And even though we may never have had it, it is still a loss. As humans we have been programmed by evolution to expect that love and security, to feel safe with the very people who birthed us. To not receive it then is a loss so profound, how could we not be triggered frequently and in surprising ways? I am triggered most days by books, films, a quote on TV, something a friend says, something my kids do etc. The difference is that now I realise I am being triggered and I accept those feelings that for so long had to be denied.

The first few weeks of picking my ds up from pre school I would almost be in tears at the sight of the school kids running and laughing from the school. I know I was very sad and lonely during my primary school years so that is why.

Grace - sorry you feel down. Remember to nurture yourself even more through these down patches

Sorry not to post more but a bit tired and overwhelmed at the moment. I survived visit from toxic grandmother but it was draining. I will post more when I get some time but I am thinking of you all and I read your thoughts even if I don't respond as much as I would like to.

solonely I had the same/similar trigger as you. I happened to look down at a picture of Kate leaving her 'family' home. She had this exhausted but contentedly warmed look on her face. The kind I imagine people have when they visit their family home.
She epitomises everything I mourn for, fresh faced, full of vitality and self assured. Confident in her furture. She could have been any twenty something, but the key thing was she had everything I had yearned for. Or so I imagined.

ray glad you found your way here. Your family dont deserve you.It is hard to come to terms with I know, but these people are not good for you, despite the fact you are linked by blood.
You deserve nurturing, loving people in your life. Have you read Toxic Parents by susan forward, it's a good place to start. The more you begin to validate yourself by reading, understanding that it really is them not you the better your life will become.

grace sorry you are feeling low. Are there any plans you can make for xmas day? A friend you could invite, a friend you could invite yourself along to see perhaps?
Yoy so deserve all that you wish for x

I just wanted to add something to the thread, we had discussed a while back, maybe even on another part of this long running thread, fairy tales...

This evening the story of Hanzel and Greetle (?sp) has resonated with me...

I spent a long time taking crumbs, being out in the wilderness and caged up and being checked up on to see how I am doing!

Now I just need to put the witch in the oven and take her riches! urm what are the riches and who is the witch?

need to think on this further!

Hello, can I join in? I have just posted the following in relationships and they suggested I post here too as my mother's toxicity has reared it's ugly head again.

My mother has just ruined my sister's visit for me and I'm furious. I haven't seen my sis for years as she lives in Oz, although we are very close, so I was so excited to be seeing her and my niece over the weekend even though me and the DC have all been ill with flu. They had to catch a couple of buses to get here which was just a nightmare...mum shouting at me down the phone because the driver had been rude, didn't go where he was supposed to etc.
Anyhoo, to cut a long story short me and kids had to go and meet them at the bus station, by which time she was in such a foul mood that she ignored me and ignored my 2 DDs, but made a huge fuss of my DS (she is a female misogynist, always has been, can't stand women). Bear in mind I haven't seen my mother in 2 years, precisely for this reason.
We got a bus back to mine, and she spent the entire journey saying very loudly that the town was horrible, and that local people were rude and horrible...people were all staring at her as she ranted. I wanted to die, as I live here and knew some of these people.
We got home, and I opened a bottle of wine even though it was only lunchtime. She always always has thiss effect on me. Me and sis started reminiscing and I recounted a story where my mum got drunk at my son's holy communion and started pole dancing around the swing in the garden. She went mad, and shouted at me that I was a fecking lying cow! In front of my children, my sister and my niece.
Later on she shouted at me to 'get bloody lost' because I said that I felt sorry for Cher on X Factor, as she's only 17 and this is her dream and if it was my DD it would break my heart to see her crying on stage like that.
Them we were in the local shop and my son asked me for a tube of pringles. I said no as we already had crisps and stuff in the basket. My mother dragged him off and put 2 tubes in his arms. I said to him that I had said no and she got right in my face and said 'well I said yes', then when I tried to protest she told me to shut my face. I'm forty bloody one FFS.
She spent the whole time winding my 6 year old up, telling her she had a huge bum etc, and 'ooh, who's this ugly girl here, oh it's x'.
I'm really angry that she can still affect me this way. I've managed to stay away from her for a couple of years now, but couldn't avoid her this weekend.
I'm convinced that she is the reason I end up in abusive relationships, because I have spent my entire life being treated like shit by the one person who is supposed to love me unconditionally.

happy at you mother's behaviour and on your behald and your dd's.
Is she staying with you still? I think when we live a distance from them and dont see them for a while it is such a shock to the system. It's amazing how quickly we can forget the true level of their vileness when they are not around.

mh not sure. Hmmm, your mother, father? All of them. The riches imo is reconnecting with our personal power and as a result our joie de vivre. That is how I am seeing it now but it's a moveable feast.

behalf not behald

therealsmithfield...no she went home yesterday. I was so sad to see my sister and niece go but elated to get my house back from my mother.