"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

I'm delighted to hear that, PM!!! Yes, it must be intense. But I'm envious. I fully understand what you mean about your other bullies getting a firmer hold on you as you succumbed to XP and, then, everything falling apart at once. I went through the same sequence. Except for my first counsellor, though, I've yet to find one who understood this and have worked it out for myself - therapy has been a tremendous help, but could have helped me more.

I vividly remember your early posts, just before you had DD. You've come such an incredible way in such a short time! I'm wildly impressed by your wisdom and coping skills (even when you felt you weren't coping). I hardly need to wish you well - you'll do better than well - but my thoughts are often with you, anyway. x

Thanks Grace

Categorically,I would not be where I am today without MN.

I shudder to think where me and the dc would be if I had not stumbled across the original NPD thread.I suspect,still playing the drama game with xp...>>horror

midnight My gut reply is this. I think your emotional availability is far more important than your parents physical presence at your dc's functions.
My focus becomes dramatically impaired when my parents are around because my basic revert to type functioning is to care-take them and their needs.
Also thank you for sharing re the counselling it does sound like you are really petrified of all those feelings welling up now. Totally understand that, perhaps take a break but would you be delatying the invitable?
It's hard because I know I am still emotionally a lot like a child. Afraid my emotions will overwhelm me and sweep me away. Have to remind myself I am an adult now I can keep myself safe.

PM fabulous news-and love the namechange.
As grace says you are incredible

grace Brrr Im freezing. Still. No reply from dad. I really want to put the jacket back on damn it.
I was thinking taht was another thing that popped into my head prompted by your posts (so thankyou). I used to say 'well mums a bit of a nightmare, but I have a great relationship with my dad' . I think it was my way of making myself feel ok IYSWIM. Hugs x

I know these threads are such a revelation and vital, even if I do spend far too much time on them.

Also grace did you get any further with pushing for more help for you? Did you start with the group yet or was it not for you?

Oops, re-read my post and it is a bit garbled, sorry.

grace - I used to faint a lot and occasionally hit my head when I fell. My mum does feel responsible (in fact the first thing she said was that she feels terrible). It's just that I was so pleased to have an answer that sounds plausible, and she won't hear that it might be the right answer. She seems to think that accepting that there might be some damage would be like saying it's her fault - even though she has never been in the room when I've fallen and often has been miles away in a different place.

What was upsetting me was that both of them place a really hugely high value on educational achievements. I always tried really hard to do well and never could do quite well enough, if that makes sense. And now they're saying they don't think I was even really able to think intelligently when I was doing A-Levels and so on, just doing it by rote memory because I wasn't bright enough. I know it should be a really small thing, it just feels as if they never stop giving one hand and taking away with the other - they'll tell me they're so pleased I've finally begun to think for myself but ffs I am 26, it would be very strange if I'd only just mastered independent thought!

LRD Sorry meant to say hi . It must feel very hurtful indeed to have your achievments devalued like this. It sounds like a method of control tbh. Does that ring true?

nemo you are doing brilliantly, honestly you are. I know it may not feel that way. Wrt what happened at the spa, you knew you werent able to have the massage so you took yourself out of the situation. That in itself is progress because you showed concern and compassion for little nemo who was scared and need to be listened to. Hug

bookcase - Hope you are ok.

Am off to pick dd up now from pre shcool. Have a good afternoon ladies. My dad hasn't even acknowledged my text yesterday. Guess this proves the point I was avoiding in the first place. It was all about his needs not mine . Wanted to show new Gf what a wonderful loving father gf he is, and I scuppered his plans and he is now .

thereal - no, don't worry, I am new on here and just trying to work it out. I'm not very good at working out what goes on in their minds. At least on one level, they honestly think they are being very nice and good about ignoring the fact that my big brother is brighter and my little brother is less bright. But they are so obvious about it that little brother and I know exactly where we stand (and it is rubbish, he is lovely and clever). I'm sure they honestly believe I'm not that bright, but I think what is hurtful is they make clear that being bright is the most important thing. So I'm sort of stuck in this dilemma - wanting them to realize there's more to it than being bright, and also wanting to say, 'hang on a minute ...'.

Oops, cross-posted. Ignoring a text - that's very basic and childish, isn't it? Hope you can manage not to let him sulking get you down.

PM I am absolutely thrilled for you. I remembert aht you were afraid that seeking help would undermine your work situation, so I am really pleased that actually, the opposite has happened.

It astonishes me how we seem to recognise, subconsciously, those with similar issues, and attract them into our lives. And of course....so are they! In this way, therapy can be so fundamentally life changing.

loud I really relate to that. My brother the bright one. My mum labelled me as 'average' from a very young age. It stuck.
I think it's remarkably insightful of you and your brother to already have see through these labels.

pm, you have come a long way in a very short time x

MIDNIGHT .... to answer your post ....No!
You want to enjoy it? you want dc to enjoy it ? and pils to enjoy it ? then dont ! ....and stop feeling guilty .

HI LDR ! 5 A levels ! WOW ! You are clever ! its not "just" memory skills.(even if it was , that still very impressive).
(grin)

droves I don't know how much of it is cleverness and how much is being pushed, tba. I do quite enjoy studying (I'm still a student), but I know that at age 16, it was very much a case of 'You will take these subjects. You will not study non-academic subjects. We will teach you an extra one at home.' They still think they were right and my mum still regularly talks about how sad she is that I messed up studying maths with her at home and didn't do very well in the AS exam. It is just such a huge part of the way they understand value/praise.

It never occurred to them it wasn't good that I didn't have friends at school, they just don't see that as a necessary part of life, really. I'd rather I'd done less at school, and been given more freedom to go out with people and enjoy being a teenager.

Anyway ... sounds daft to be still thinking about it I know, but I reckon I'm sort of catching up on things!

real - . It is such a nasty thing, to label someone. It really sticks in your mind when you're little.

Well, LRD, for what it's worth I think your P&M have treated you more as an accessory than a real person, or a real child. I have an impression that they'd decided (out loud or not) their first would be a professor, the second a doctor and the third may be the practical/helpful/charming one. No doubt this is "wanting the best for you" in their minds, but it's really no more caring or considerate than parents who typecast their DCs as smart OR pretty OR sweet, or those who force them through stage school. They pushed you into a mould.

I think I agree grace. Though I think it is also that they don't change fixed ideas quickly - they look at what we were like as small children and assume we won't change as adults.

I am just trying to work things through on here because the advice is good - I've been lurking on this thread but have also been directed to it/given good advice by people elsewhere, and it is great. I hope it's ok to carry on working things out aloud, here?

Heh, if it isn't OK we'll all have to boot ourselves off

Morning everyone. It has been a rough night. I thought I was doing well. Then my mother visited (with my father) to give my dh his birthday present.

She was in top form. I managed the situation ok, thought I was "over" her, you know, more settled with myself that I don't need her any more. But she's my mum of course. Once she had gone, I felt awful. Lost, anxious, tearful, raw. Felt like I wanted to hurt myself, but it's only a thought, I know really it's not the way to go.

It has been such a difficult week. Anway, went to counselling yesterday and decided I need a break. So I am due to see her again in January. Seven weeks off! I feel it is a good decision, I really need to sort my marriage out without lots of "stuff" to deal with in my head iyswim.

Hope everyone here has a good day, I am going out with a friend to help lift my mood. A bit of shopping!

Hope you get back from shopping feeling better! I get into that emotional state when I've just seen my parents, even if I coped ok when I was with them - I think it's natural. DH reckons it's a bit like physio for your mind - it hurts but that's part of the healing process and each time you get a bit more freedom of movement, less tied to your parents' expectations. Don't know if that analogy helps but it works nicely for me!

Hi everyone, sorry it's me again.

I have been popping by and reading posts but don't feel I have anything helpful to say.

I feel so awful today. It's like I'm just going through the motions of life. Inside me there is a black hole through which all the good stuff falls. I look at my little girl and feel such pain and sadness deep in my heart. I wish I was dead so that all this sadness and fear would go away. It feels like the only way to stop feeling like this.

I know how you feel, Bookcase :( We both know it will pass - hold on to that truth! When you look at DD and feel sad, what thoughts are flashing through your mind?