Hi Karen and Mabel I have had a sort of OK week in a way, feeling much better and more optimistic in some ways, but still churning it over in my mind a lot.
I have happily come to the conclusion that in fact OM was quite right- no way of a future together and rightly so, because the more I think about the way he has been, the more I know he is not for me, romantically speaking. He's both fragile and reckless emotionally and basically just not very grown up- there's a world of difference between before children and after children, I think- mentally and emotionally....
Frankly, I think a lot of it comes down to being sex starved.... 
But having started to feel far stronger about the loss of him as a potential romantic figure, which was an illusion anyway, I started to feel really daft for the scorched earth policy I employed last Monday- ie maybe we'll see each other in a few years but until then... I drove past my old workplace last night on way to my uni course and saw all the lights on up in the corridor where we used to hang out, and just felt quite sad and nostalgic for the friendship. SO, I STUPIDLY sent a STUPID text, saying it was silly to not be friends, and since then have had no reply, so the text now is hanging in the air like a stale fart (excuse the crass simile, but that is JUST how it feels!!) and back to usual nonsense. The difference is that this time, I am less pissed off, just if he doesn't reply, I know for sure he was no good... talk about stupid, should have left it alone.
Mabel acting it out, such an interesting way to put it- EXACTLY- I feel like a bad actress in my own life sometimes- like I'm in the wrong play, written by someone else, badly cast!!!! I just don't feel I fit in the family mould and yet family is all there is in the end really- I think about my grandma dying and everyone around her bedside. Or when I come home after work and see the light on in the hall...
I think I had been at that point of hoping to be happy again so many times... about four years ago I had a lot of very long intense conversations with yet another male colleague who had just left his marriage after an affair. He said that he could either be unhappy in the marriage or unhappy out of it, and in the end he had had to do what his heart told him... At the time I was 
and thought it sounded like he'd followed something a bit lower down than his heart! BUt the way he spoke about always trying to square the circle, always coming back to the same point in the end, permanently feeling like a volcano about the explode, well, it rang a bell with me then and it still does now.
I liken my daily married life to trudging up a hill, just keeping putting one foot in front of the other. Every now and then you get a glimpse of the view beyond - what OM did when he took hold of me and kissed me was force me to see the view all around, to feel where I was in relation to it- and there just isn't any going back from that realisation for me- not about the OM, about me, about my horizons, how I feel in my life.
Sorry, long, long... anyone still awake?!
Mabel, what is going on with you?
Karen I will PM you, but just wanted to say that I had an email from a friend I saw a couple fo weeks ago, and she said she had been worried about me because I looked so strained and ill and too thin. Every single person on here warned me not to go there with this OM, and all of them knew I wouldn't be able to help it, and all of them knew where it would lead me.... strained and ill and too thin, and alone with hard decisions to make and all sorts of buried feelings to wrestle with... so I am here for you, as is everyone else, but take care