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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

please help me get over this man

293 replies

bees474 · 29/10/2010 19:07

Name changed for this.
I am in a mess over this man.
We've been friends for a couple of years. He's an ex colleague. I'm married.
Please don't judge- I have a very very difficult marriage and I had NOT looked at this man as any kind of OM ever prior to this week. I know this is wrong.
Nothing's happened between us except for one very intense conversation at the start of this week where he told me that he loved me, 'mind, body and soul' and said that he felt a massive attraction, wished we'd met ten years before or that there was a way we could be together, etc. But we didn't kiss, and we didn't arrange to meet again.
He texted the next day and has sent messages each day since but no reiteration of feelings etc or agreement to meet again.
He's in a new relationship- ie of a couple of dates and has dated her again since the evening with me.
My head is spinning.
He's just fucking about with me isn't he?
I need to mend things with dh and stop thinking about him.
Why has he done this to me? I didn't even think about him in this way prior to this week and now I can't stop thinking about him. What does it all mean? Why would a man behave like this?
I feel such a twat :(

OP posts:
MabelMay · 15/11/2010 14:35

Good luck today bees - are you going to go?

DearMrsH · 15/11/2010 19:17

Bees, I'd really suggest you put yourself right in the middle of this story and work out what it is you want out of life. This stuff is just a small part of the bigger picture, so work out your bigger picture and then go from there - it might help give you that bit of perspective and bit of control.

Stand away from this, think about the life you want to be leading in 10 years' time. What does it look like, what have you achieved, how good is it? Then think about all of this and how it fits, or not.

Hope that helps.

bees474 · 15/11/2010 21:19

OK, I went to the pub, it was OK, there was a lot of intense conversation, I suppose, unpacking everything. He said he loved me/ loves me/ had stood by and loved me for three years of knowing me blah blah, but needed to be with this new woman, to have the things he needed eg family, marriage blah. I said OK, but that we couldn't be in contact. He said he hoped we could some time, in a few months, I said maybe, I wasn't sure- we left it.
He knows dh and I have separated. Makes no odds, he is all for this new relationship, has made his mind up.
I think the bottom line is that we are in totally different places and always will be, He point blank says that he could not ever be with a woman with someone else's children.
Well, you know, if you really love someone, you will have their children too won't you?
I feel fairly resigned, relieved for now.
I hold out hope that we'll be friends in teh future, we always were good friends.
Sigh, sob, sigh, but it's not so bad now: I laid my cards on the table and what more could I have done?

OP posts:
bees474 · 15/11/2010 21:19

At least I tried!

OP posts:
bees474 · 15/11/2010 21:21

PS DearMsH that is absolutely great advice, will do so- I think counselling is going to really help.

OP posts:
IWantWine · 15/11/2010 21:29

I have just read thru this and I am in tears for you.. not helpful I know. I am in a similar situation and all the advice given to you rings true for me too....

Oh I wish they would invent a pain killer for emotional pain.... it bloody hurts doesnt it?

bees474 · 15/11/2010 21:38

IWantWine IT KILLS!!! It is an absolutely crushing pain to the chest, I have never felt a grip like it- at times I have felt I couldn't breathe...
But I feel calmer tonight, if only because I know that although we missed the boat for any kind of romance, that at least OM thinks of me as a friend, a close friend, and wants me in his life as a friend. I can't be there yet, it will take time, but I guess we will get there some day, maybe in a few months or maybe longer. Or maybe I am being naive, I just don't know... I know I saw enough of his romantic behaviour to think Hmm and I am envious of his gf but not that envious.
I do know I have other things to do now: work, the kids, getting my head straight with counselling, dh and the separation.
It is going to be a long road.

OP posts:
MabelMay · 15/11/2010 22:22

bees - wish i could write more but i'm exhausted so turning in. i echo what a couple of posters have said. you have so much time now - take a breath, figure out what you really want from life.

And yes, iwantwine it is a real, PHYSICAL, pain. It's a horrible place to be. And a struggle to focus on other stuff -
I find physical exercise was/is a temporary relief.

Take care.
MMx

IWantWine · 15/11/2010 23:05

Yes Bees and MM it really does hurt! And what is bad also is that you would think as you get older you would know better! be immune! just wouldnt feel it so deeply! As you grow up/older you learn to cope with things that life throws at you, but not this! why? wouldnt life be so much nicer if we didnt have to fall in love/get crushes/infatuations/obsessions? aarrgghhh

porttree · 15/11/2010 23:44

Bees, I've just read all of this and just wanted to say am so sad for you.

Am glad you did manage to have a decent conversation with OM tonight, and at least get some answers before it gets even more painful.

FWIW, although his behaviour has not been great, I do think it's because he feels so strongly for you. Not that it justifies it, but it does explain it a bit more.

Really hope you get some rest and that you are doing okay.

bees474 · 16/11/2010 08:56

IWnatWine so true- no fool like an old fool! The stakes are so high when you are older.

Portree I am sure he does have strong feelings, I feel that very keenly. He said he's wanted me in his arms for years... and why couldn't I be generous enough to accept him being with his gf when he had had to hug me when I found out I was pg etc...wasn't that hard for him?... He kept saying it was just timing, timing..

But he made his choice, and it is not me. :(
Still, I couldn't quite give way graciously, so he went off into the night with instructions to listen to Cat Power's version of 'Sea of Love' and with any luck, it will haunt him for a bit. (Manipulative cow emoticon)
But I do know that I have to let go, and give him a clear run at what he really wants.
I have a kind of hope that by the new year we could maybe resume contact, when I have healed and am stronger. I don't think my broken heart is going to kill me altogether- because one of the reasons it was breaking was because I thought he didn't even value the friendship- but he says I am one of his very closest friends so there is a role for us in each other's lives.
We should never have pushed it, it was always going to go too far :(
Maybe some things are best left unsaid after all, but I will never regret this- I think it had to happen.

OP posts:
bees474 · 16/11/2010 21:05

Hmmm well I got through the day- just- but felt pretty overwhelmed at the end of it as I had a free period, and though I tried to get on with some work, it was just impossible. Felt like someone was just squeezing all the air out of my chest- I literally can't get over this wrenching physical pain.
Does that get easier???

OP posts:
porttree · 16/11/2010 21:27

Bees, sounds like you are being very strong, well done. Hope you are feeling alright this evening.

bees474 · 16/11/2010 21:35

Portree HA driving home past his house (it's on the v long country road I drive down) and blubbing like a loon to (of all things, Abba) I felt very, very far from strong!!!
I feel like I have got something sitting on my chest.
If I were to see him with her, I think I would die on the spot.
Worst of all, I know that he was right in so much of what he said- looked at logically, there was never any hope for 'us' in that way- ie being a couple.

OP posts:
MabelMay · 16/11/2010 22:39

Just came on briefly - just got home. bees - be strong - try and think that if it's meant to be, it will be... It's a bit trite I know. But comfort yourself with the knowledge that he wasn't playing you for a fool, that he does have genuinely strong feelings for you and that he's probably going through his own kind of pain too.

Blub away, but please not to ABBA!!

I've taken up smoking again in the last few months (not good) because I found the inhaling/exhaling thing was good for that horrible heartbreak/chest pain. I'm not recommending it for you. Maybe just try the deep breathing without the nicotine/killer chemicals added.

Anyway, bees, I really feel for you. At least you got some answers and that's a big thing, right?

Look after yourself, please. And eat something. And STOP listening to Abba!

MMx

bees474 · 16/11/2010 22:50

Lol MM, in mitigation, it was The Winner Takes It All, and it was only because Abba are first on my list of bands and I had to fiddle with the Ipod in a hurry in the fog.

Seriously, there have surely never been more heartbreaking lyrics about losing in love? Welling up again just thinking of 'Nothing more to say/no more ace to play' Blush

OH smoking- I had considered it, have been off fags for nearly two years now.. the biggest thing that stops me is that I wouldn't be able to run.

Did you get some answers too MM?
I just feel that the second I went back, even if it was a couple of years, I'd be wide open to all that hurt all over again.

OP posts:
MabelMay · 16/11/2010 22:59

trying to log off but you sucked me back in...

In brief, yes, I did get a few answers - it's definitely helped me a bit - but, god, the pain and the 'what ifs' are still there. And I am still thinking of him much more than I should, and failing to move on mentally and emotionally so that I engage with my DP. I just feel knocked sideways by these feelings sometimes...

The smokes I limit to 2, maximum 3 a day - it's an evening thing really, when I start dwelling on things, and checking my emails/phone etc.

Hey - if was Winner Takes It All, you have a free pass to always weep to that.
I actually had a tearful episode with Leona Lewis and Bleeding Love a couple of weeks ago so am hardly one to talk...

Sleep well, bees. X

popzie · 17/11/2010 14:53

here

I had to message your ladies with this post of mine back in Feb this year. See how bad I was - in total upheaval. I don't feel like that now! I feel great. You will get over it - just give it some time.

bees474 · 17/11/2010 18:26

Popzie Did your friendship with OM survive in any way? That's what I wonder about now- whether there is any way back for that. Sorry if you have said before and I can't remember.

OP posts:
sophiebbb · 17/11/2010 20:51

How are you today bees474?

bees474 · 17/11/2010 21:05

STILL churning it all over again and again... wondering why it all happened, wondering whether anything he said was truthful, wonering if we will ever be friends...
Feeling quite rough too- got a breakthrough period for some random reason, prob because of losing the weight/getting stressed, I don't know.
How are you SBB?

OP posts:
bees474 · 17/11/2010 21:05

wondering

OP posts:
porttree · 17/11/2010 21:12

bees, i agree about The Winner Takes It All!!

You might not feel strong, but you are doing so well. You have accepted it with grace and dignity and you are dealing with it in a grown up and sensible way. I don't think you could do anything more, to be honest.

I am going through something similar, so I do totally understand what you are saying. I think you have to take comfort from the fact that you were able to have that connection with someone, especially when you have been unhappy in your marriage. Try to use that as a boost - you can feel that, you made him feel that... I think it's quite empowering, and a really positive, wonderful thing. There are good things to take out of this too....

sophiebbb · 17/11/2010 21:14

I am OK. A lot lot stronger now than I was 6 months ago.

OM was contacting me last week quite a bit. I kept it light and easy and answered but very briefly. Then I went out, had something to drink and finally contacted him back. Totally blurted out how I still had feelings and yada yada. Felt crap the next day - Friday - and we spoke for a while.

Then on Monday he got in contact to ask some work advice. Was quite shocked actually as couldn't believe he was contacting me after my meltdown the previous week and answered but again very briefly and cut off the conversation.

So I am OK. And getting by. And feeling stronger by the day. I simply must get him out of my life so I can concentrate on DH. It is a very slow process - I simply could not go cold turkey. But it is happening and it is getting easier.

popzie · 18/11/2010 13:27

Hi Bees,

No, I haven't remained friends. I do see him very occassionally, but only in the company of others and when our two social worlds have to collide (like for a big event that we're both invited to). My DH made him promise that he'd not contact me and vice versa, and we are respecting that.

I don't like to say it, but I fear you are only after his friendship to avoid letting go entirely, and to keep him close. Was he really that good a friend to you before this declartion? How often did you see him? Would he have listened to your problems like your best girlfriend? Did you go for months without even speaking to him (and not think anything of it?). I suspect you have repositioned him in your mind (and heart) as being a far more important friend to you than he actually was. You're clutching at the friendship card so that there is still a little bit of hope. Am I right? Probably, because I have only just stopped doing this myself. Now that I am rational about it and can see things clearly, I can see that 'my' OM was never really there for me as a friend anymore than the other males in my social group. Fair weather friends I call them and not altogether indispensible.

Bees, our experiences are eerily similar. 'My' OM made a moon and start declaration - said he'd never feel the same for anyone else again, that he couldn't face getting married to his ex because he knew it was me he wanted. It blew me away. Then, after a few intense conversations and texts, plus two secret meetings, he declared he wouldn't be happy taking on my DCs. He asked me 'who would you choose, me or your DCs' naturally I said DCs and he just went - well there you are then.

Following this he began to talk about his GF (which he started seeing just before declaring undying love for me) as his potential life partner, which hurt like hell. (Incidentally, it's not working out which gives me a certain sort of pleasure to know!) He said he couldn't have what he wanted with me and couldn't live with the guilt of an affair so we should just be friends who loved each other. I just wanted to cut ties as I couldn't just maintain a relationship at the time where we joked and chatted about what I saw as being trivial things. I was far too hurt.

Now I'm just left wondering why he had to lay it all on so much. What would have been wrong with telling me something along the lines of 'I always fancied you,' or making a joke like 'If things were different', but without giving into the emotion of it. Another male friend of mine always tells me that he fancies me and I've even heard that he has told the OM that he - the male friend - should have married me and not his own wife. But I don't fall apart over him because the admission was far less dramatic and I just laugh it off as (usually) the beer talking. This man has let me know, but has managed to keep things light and in context.

I think the OM had such an impact on me because he tapped into my very much forgotten romantic side, when I was vulnerable and had just had a baby. The word 'love' was used for a start - I would never tell anyone I loved them unless I had been in an intimate relationship with them for about three months! I'd never use it on an unsuspecting person that I'd never been intimate with (emotionally or physically). It's such a powerful term used to create havok and I think that what it got to the core of me. I think the OM is a bit of a twat for laying it on so thick - I knew he fancied me, but I wasn't prepared for undying love.

However, the 'undying love' has died. It was just a pile of crap. Bees, like my OM, your man may think he loves you but believe me he doesn't. If he did he would take you kids, baggage the lot. I'm sure he cares about you and even THINKS he loves you, but not in the real sense. He probabaly really wants you, but not in a commitment sort of way.

Be realistic, how can you turn back the clocks - especially so soon? I doubt we're very dismiliar and just look at my post from February. I'm only just now considering the prospect that I will one day be so over it I will be able to go out in a group with him and not feel that I was trying to win him back in some way. It's taken months of 'self-therapy' and work. However, I suppose your situation was over and done far faster than mine was (which dragged on for about six months) and so maybe the healing will be sufficiently faster too. I hope it will be Bees, you sound lovely.