please help me get over this man

[bees474]

Name changed for this.
I am in a mess over this man.
We've been friends for a couple of years. He's an ex colleague. I'm married.
Please don't judge- I have a very very difficult marriage and I had NOT looked at this man as any kind of OM ever prior to this week. I know this is wrong.
Nothing's happened between us except for one very intense conversation at the start of this week where he told me that he loved me, 'mind, body and soul' and said that he felt a massive attraction, wished we'd met ten years before or that there was a way we could be together, etc. But we didn't kiss, and we didn't arrange to meet again.
He texted the next day and has sent messages each day since but no reiteration of feelings etc or agreement to meet again.
He's in a new relationship- ie of a couple of dates and has dated her again since the evening with me.
My head is spinning.
He's just fucking about with me isn't he?
I need to mend things with dh and stop thinking about him.
Why has he done this to me? I didn't even think about him in this way prior to this week and now I can't stop thinking about him. What does it all mean? Why would a man behave like this?
I feel such a twat :(

Popzie what you say is so interesting.
I am just in a world of pain today, I can literally barely function.
OM texted pretty curt text to say he couldn't make it to meet at the weekend and 'let's touch base next week'. :(
He is just so cold, playing such games, playing me for such a fool. I can't bear it. Have been sobbing all day pretty much.
When did I turn into such a feeble twat?
It's just that he won't even meet me so he won't even let me have the conversation with him that I feel I need to have.
Also, Popzie I am certain my marriage is over. That is a lot of what is behind this. I can barely contemplate what that is going to be like.
I really need help.
Should I write to the OM? Ring him up? I need to talk to him but he keeps stonewalling me.
I can't spend another day of looking at my bloody mobile every ten minutes and feeling sick and ill. I can barely eat.
I need to talk to OM
I need to talk to DH
I can't function!!!!!

bees- leave it darling. He is telling you something- so listen.

I know how you are feeling and it is bloody awful. But you will end up hurting even more if you chase him as he will back off even more.

Get it all out here- do anything you need to- but do not contact him. he will lose any respect he has for you.

Gosh, maybe I rushed to his defence a bit too fast there bees. So you got into a romantic situation with him at the weekend and now he's snubbing you for second time? What was he like with you during your time together? He must have said something to give you a clue after, for example, he spoke to his dp? He's either very insecure, has changed his mind, has lost respect for you, or has decided to make a go of it with his dp.
You have to leave it. You will not find the answer to your own problems in his trousers, only a lot of heart ache. You won't see your own marriage for what it is with someone else on the scene, clouding your judgement. You will only get over it by sabotaging your 'relationship' with this om. Why don't you just contact him and tell him that you feel as if he's using you and you're frightened of getting hurt and to leave you alone. If he is in love with you then he will have to convince you. But from what you say I'm afraid I think he may just run. At least you will know and would have said your piece.

Ok I sent him a message asking to talk, an hour and he hasn't responded. So I have got rid of him on facebook, now I just have to start the process of getting him out of my head. It is going to kill me I think.
Have spoken to dh tonight and we are going to move towards divorce.
So two loves lost in one night! Good going! One was never real anyway. One was. Buit at the moment, I feel sadder about the one that wasn't.

My guess is he's playing you to see if he can. He's doing this to see whether he has the power to destroy your marriage. He doesn't really want you. Or the other woman. It's all about a power trip. And, perhaps, the possibility of an easy shag.

If you make contact, and I know all about the overwhelming urge to do this, I'd steer clear of pleading with him. It just plays into his hands, gives him yet more power over you. And your self respect will go down the pan.

So let him know you know his game. That he's been playing you. That it stops, now.

Or else you'll end up on your knees, like I did. And I never did get a single answer.

Don't let that happen. Walk away or tell him you've sussed him. But don't let him play you a second longer.

When someone shows you what they're really like, believe them the first time...

Bees x posted. I'm sorry he hasn't responded. I'm sorry you're talking divorce, all in the same night. This was me, an absolute carbon copy, in June.

But then I put the brakes on divorce because I knew how much OM was clouding the issue. For the sake of our dcs I needed to see if our marriage could sink or swim on its own merits. And surprisingly now om is off the scene it's swimming. Just.

This is not me trying to be noble at all. I was prepared to leave DH for OM. But once he sussed that, he did the cold shoulder thing and morphed from mr sensitive nice guy into an uncommunicative dickhead. I still can't believe how totally his beaviour towards me changed. Sound familiar?

The difference is Your marriage sounds really grim and I do think you deserve better. But don't go if it's too caught up in what's going on with this other guy. Wait, even three months, and see if you feel the same. If you still do, well fine, go. But don't give the other man the idea you're ending your marriage for him. From the sound of it he'd just love that, wouldn't he?

I'm so sorry bees, it's so much for you to take on. I hope you are okay this morning. Find us on here if you need support.

Morning bees. Have written you an email.

Message this am- 'don't want to hurt you (or get hurt) we will meet we just need to find the time, I have been feeling guilty since...'

?

a bit of in car sobbing this morning. But functioning.

Yes exactly what my OM would feel and say bees474. Go cold and say it is because they feel guilty. I believe him by the way. He no doubt DOES feel guilty. What does that say about us then eh?

At least a time and day is getting pinned down now, but what for, really? He's the only person who can take away the pain but the only person who is causing it. I just feel that maybe talking with him might help to clear things up, I hate being in limbo.
What's worse is, a little bit of more human contact from him and I am melting all over again...

Oh bees i feel for you so much. I bet you loved getting that message from him this morning though - some contact at least and oh he says "or get hurt" - that must mean he feels something for you, right? It's such a tough place you're in right now because your entire mood and outlook is dependent on what this OM does or says next. And as you say, you're in limbo right now. He's holding all the cards. He's controlling when contact happens and how. It's going to drive you mad.

You have to try and get the OM out of your head as much as you can so you're not just hanging around waiting for the phone to beep. I know only too well how you're feeling. I found just silly things like putting the phone on silent so that I wouldn't jump at every text alert etc helped. Also going out with friends a lot. Or just saying mentally to myself "you are NOT going to hear from him for the next 'X' days so don't look for his messages or wait for him to contact. It's not going to happen."

This OM is going to pull you in and push you away again and it's going to completely mess you up emotionally. Do you have the strength to walk away now?

How are you feeling?

MabelMay you are very right. You MUST get some control back bees or you will turn into a physical wreck.

Yes - all those tricks above - phone on silent, mentally telling yourself you won't hear from him, go for a run, see some friends, DO SOMETHING ELSE.

You will drive yourself nuts. Get yourself back in control.

And you are right - look what is the point in meeting up with him. Really what is the point? He doesn't want to be with exclusively. Therefore it will just be painful. Talking won't help. You will talk. You will either get hope or no hope. And then it will go right back to where you are now again.

I can't meet him on Monday, can I? It is absurd, all he will do is drone on about how amazing his girlfriend is again and I will want to jump under a bus on the way back home. I just thought we could talk it out and get things straight but with this man, that is not possible. He said he 'doesn't want to hurt (or get hurt) although have felt rather guilty since...' so he feels guilty about betraying her doesn't he. Or rather knows he hurt me but doesn't really care.. oh I don't bloody know, why am I even still thinking about it..

bees i can't really offer you any help or advice other than to say I'm here, listening, and totally empathising. I am fucking up big-time myself in terms of OM and DP (you can see on 'Is it possible to have affair etc' thread - I've just posted on there). You're not the only one going through this self-inflicted hell is all I'm saying. So big ((hugs)) to you. You're not alone. MMx

MM I have just read your whole thread, don't text!!!

I still haven't heard from OM whether we are in fact meeting on Monday in the pub or not, I wonder if he is sulking because I told him I had removed him on fbook..? I fully suspect now that I will NOT be meeting him on the pub on Monday.

I just would like some answers.

I still feel pretty tearful. My sister rang today and was very alarmed that I had talked about leaving the family home and renting. She thinks I am not in sound mind at the moment. I think she is right!!

This is such self indulgent crap! I am acting as if I am 13 again! I just want to know how to get my strength back- I have lost 6lb this week alone, because I can't eat, it all tastes like sawdust. I feel tearful all the time. Had a lovely day off with dd (she was 1 this week) and doing school run with ds. Feel a bit more grounded, but I would still say I was thinking of OM every second.

Ok it's now Sunday night so I am fully expecting no reply to mey text of Thursday and a no show at the pub tomorrow, possibly preceded by an apology text, possibly not.

His new g/f's pic on her facebook page has changed (cyber stalking alert!) and she looks very pretty and very young. (torture emoticon)

Some questions:

If I delete his contact details from my phone, can he still phone me? (Why am I even asking!)

How long will it take for me after I have ended contact to stop listening to songs, obsessively checking horoscopes, tarot, whatever...? Stop crying in the car? Start eating meals again?

Also, DH and I have agreed to separate, but for the forseeable we are going to have to live in the same house as there is no cash and no nearby realtives/friends with rooms. Has anyone been in this situation? How to get through it??

Hi bees I just came on here to update on my own thread and saw your most recent post.

What did your text of Thursday say? Did it have any questions in it? [I got so pathetic at one point I would try and ensure all my texts to OM had a question in them so that he'd HAVE to reply! yeah, brilliant thinking...]

First of all, of course he can still call you if you delete his contact details! What are you? A luddite??

You just won't know it's him calling unless you know/recognise his number.

As for how long to stop listening to songs, crying, not eating etc... No idea. Hope someone has the answer. I'm still at it. Atlhough sadly I've gone from not eating to comfort snacking, which is not so good for my skinny jean look.

I'm going to be here tomorrow, to hold your hand if the pub meet goes pear-shaped, if he doesn't show up, or if he does and you end up kissing etc. - any of these scenarios and you're going to end up even more confused, agonised and caught up in it than you are already.

So are you sure you want to go ahead with this? Can you bring yourself to text and cancel?

What a ridiculous question! Of course you won't. I'm pretty much you and I'm afraid I know I wouldn't have the strength to cancel.

Good luck, bees. I'll be thinking of you.

And sorry I can't help with the last bit about your DH and you living together but not 'together' as it were.

I'll be back once I've eaten supper.

MMx

My text said meeting place, time and date, don't stand me up (he has stood me up before, a few weeks ago) and told him that I had thought best to remove him from fb, but wasn't ready to entirely let go of the friendship yet, hopefully we could talk Monday... since which, nothing..... I SO wish I could text and cancel but a) I still hope he turns up (which he won't) and b) if I do, it looks like a paddy due to his non response, and I don't want to be seen to be ruffled by it.
I just feel that every step of the way I have made one mistake after another, I keep thinking if I had just found the right words it would all be OK....
I definitely AM a luddite, phonewise! So what is the point fo deleting then, it won't end the agony of waiting for him to get in contact!

Bees, a few things:

i. Okay, you're right - at this late stage it would look panicky to cancel. But, IF he doesn't show up, DON'T text him to ask what happened, express annoyance, or whatever. Don't text him AT ALL. He'll be waiting for that text if he does blow you out and so by not sending one you'll get a bit of dignity and control back.

ii. Please put your phone on silent! It's too agonising to wait for the ring or the text alert.

iii. Point of deleting contact is so that you're not tempted to call/text him. Doesn't work of course if you know his number by heart and obviously doesn't stop you waiting for him to contact you, no.

iv. "I just feel that every step of the way I have made one mistake after another, I keep thinking if I had just found the right words it would be OK...": Bees, this is exactly how I felt/feel in periods where I am waiting for the OM to get in touch, when he hasn't returned a text quick enough, and in the weeks after he said he thought we shouldn't see each other. You can torture yourself thinking if only i'd said X or if only I hadn't said Y - but this is nonsense. YOU can't make the OM do or feel anything that he is not wanting to do or feel already, so don't agonise over this please. It'll only result in you trying to contact him again to explain what you "really meant to say" or what you "hadn't meant to say" and it'll just make you sound more desperate. Trust me, I know.

Don't look back on past things you've done/said and have regrets. Look ahead now, and if you really want to try and have some kind of future or relationship with this guy then the first thing to do is to try to keep a cool head. Wait for him to make the next contact. Maintain dignity at all times!

I really hope he shows up, bees. If he doesn't, you deserve better.

Right, I need a strategy for each scenario.

He calls or texts to say he's not coming: ignore, just sob heart out in private. Try not to sob at work (unprofessional to say teh least) Never contact again, chalk up to experience..

He doesn't call or text but doesn't show: Hmm.. I can't resist going to the pub and at least peeking through the window. Sob heart out, don't call or text and chalk it up to experience: the man's a wanker.

He actually turns up at the pub: Hmm, I just want answers really, so I suppose I should just ask questions and listen..

I feel I shouldn't go to the pub anyway, I think all that is driving me is that I want him to account for the way he's behaved. But will he? Noooooooooo

I suppose whatever happens, lessons learnt.

Bees you are totally obsessing and are reading too much into everything at the moment, but that is understandable as you are not thinking straight. To be honest your desperation is probably obvious a mile off and that would be enough to scare any man away i should think. I do not know any man who would be worried about being blocked on Facebook, yet alone blank you for it. If you are serious about winning this man over, you have to chill out.

If you are anything like me - and believe me when I say that I felt as smitten and frantic about my om a year ago (although I was arguably better at disguising and controlling it) then it will take months to fall back out of love I'm afraid. The more physical you get with him, the longer it will take. You have to be very strong. To ensure it was 'over' between me and my om, I sabotaged the relationship by making him very, very angry with me. It was the only thing I could do to take away the temptation to see him. You may need to do similar if you have to.

Stop playing games by deleting numbers and blocking him on social media sites. It's only going to make you look silly. One minute you are pushing him away and the next you are trying to pin him down. How confusing! You need to chill out and stop looking so irrational. You have agreed to split with your dh, so have freed yourself up. Your om is in an early relationship with his dp, so it should mean nothing to him to dump her for you. It could be fairly straightfoward, considering.

Now, you can only give him some space to work out what he wants and if he chooses his dp over you, then be prepared for a rough ride. You will, however, have the comfort of knowing that you will be embarking on a new journey and new phase of your life as an available, separated woman. I had to get over my affair within the rut of my existing marriage, so there was no distraction and nowhere to escape. Oh, and this is the same marriage that, incidentally, doesn't seem anywhere near as tedious now that the om is out of my life.

Popzie you are very much the voice of reason. I really need to cool down and keep a clearer head. You are so, so right. I must be coming across like a loon. I know that I am not being sensible.
I think it's because-

• The marriage was in such a parlous state
• I had been longing for some fun, love, attention, escape.. I wonder if also I may have had PND and not really considered it properly.
• His lack of straightforwardness just put me on the back foot and forced me into a passive role which I haven't been able to get out of since.

Popzie I can't remember if you said, did you tell dh about OM?

I do understand, i felt the same and still do to a certain extent, so know what you're feeling. You are in chaos, but you must show him you are composed. You used to work with your om, so I reckon he fell for the organised, sociable side of you rather than this traumatised lady who is looking to him to save her. At this stage you have to sell this good side to him and dum down what is really going on. Especially as you are competing with another for his affection.

The reality is is that you have entered into this game playing scenario. There are others involved, and so the stakes are really high. You cannot be honest with one another because logistically it's a nightmare and there is so much to loose. It may be best to tell him how you feel and then step right back, don't drop your guard, be very straight and cool headed-let him do the rest.

I did admit to an emotional affair to my dh. I needed him to know so he knew there was danger in the air. It also stopped me contacting om. My dh is very strong though and I knew he'd cope with it. He doesn't know everything, however, and never will.

Oh and I also thought I may have had Pnd. I've been over things time and time again on my head and the only conclusion I have arrived at is that any sort of affair is very, very dangerous and that you are far better to run a mile before entering into one. Leave your marriage if you must, but do it without the affair. Things for you are moving very quickly. There is no rush bees. Slow things down and do them for the right reasons.