please help me get over this man

[bees474]

Name changed for this.
I am in a mess over this man.
We've been friends for a couple of years. He's an ex colleague. I'm married.
Please don't judge- I have a very very difficult marriage and I had NOT looked at this man as any kind of OM ever prior to this week. I know this is wrong.
Nothing's happened between us except for one very intense conversation at the start of this week where he told me that he loved me, 'mind, body and soul' and said that he felt a massive attraction, wished we'd met ten years before or that there was a way we could be together, etc. But we didn't kiss, and we didn't arrange to meet again.
He texted the next day and has sent messages each day since but no reiteration of feelings etc or agreement to meet again.
He's in a new relationship- ie of a couple of dates and has dated her again since the evening with me.
My head is spinning.
He's just fucking about with me isn't he?
I need to mend things with dh and stop thinking about him.
Why has he done this to me? I didn't even think about him in this way prior to this week and now I can't stop thinking about him. What does it all mean? Why would a man behave like this?
I feel such a twat :(

Thanks for asking bigregrets I'm ok today, got a reply, bit short (understatement) - 'thanks for email, really lovely and underlined how close we've always been. Snow will thaw'
HA- it's ice as far as I'm concerned.
Had a lovely day with my daughter - my day off, always special, spoiled for the last few weeks by never ending thinking of OM. Spent a bit of time thinking of him, but all thoughts were of amazement at my own idioticness (is that a word?!) and his very casual brand of cruelty.
Now I will begin the process of putting it all to bed- will take me a long time to get over all the turmoil this has caused, and process next steps since I think DH and I have a lot to think about now wabout the future- it's friendly at the moment so I think we can communicate once xmas is out of the way.
Has anyone else had a bit of a duff year? I couldn't find work for months, lost my grandmother, then had this OM bummer, marriage died. It could have been an awful lot worse, and I still have loads to be grateful for but 2010 was not a legendary one for me! Roll on xmas.
How is everyone else doing?

Hi bees, hi ladies,

bees - sorry your OM is sounding like such an emotional retard/headfuck at the moment. I know that feeling of sending a heartfelt, thoughtful affectionate email and having the most inane, perfunctory response. How crap of him, bees.

I'm going to write in more detail later this evening I hope.

Saw OM on Friday night and what can I say? It was a stupid, selfish thing to do but sadly I'm still basking in the aftermath, because we had a great time together. I know this feeling will fade and in a week or two I'll just feel like crap again. I already feel overwhelmingly sad at thought of never seeing him again. I've also convinced myself now having spent an amazing evening with OM that I do love him. My DP is away so I haven't confronted too much of my guilt yet. That will hit me I know. And then what? I don't even know if me and DP are worth saving.

I sat down and told a RL friend EVERYTHING about my relationship with my DP and me meeting the OM etc etc. She was much more shocked by hearing about what my DP has said about "us" over the last 8 years than she was about me kissing another man. She said she didn't condone my behaviour but she understood it. She said she couldn't have stayed with my DP in my shoes.

shoot - got to run. i should really post on "my" thread some time.

Bees, Bigregrets, sophiebb how you all doing today?

Mabel I am OK, just amazed at how it can be possible to split up with someone without ever having gone out with them- ha! It was a perfunctory response and I sort of see it as the equivalent of being patted on the head and called a good doggie. Weaning is a long, hard process though.

I think OM has a LEGION of issues, which tbh I am glad to not be in a relationship with. I rather wonder if he may be slightly kind of unaware of others' feelings- not really very well tuned emotionally. A mutual colleague reckons that 'OM' may be slightly unaware of people- he can cause great offence without realising in the work environment... but who am I kidding, his main problem is that he just isn't that into me!!

Mabel how were things left between you and OM? Has he left the country now? Will you keep in touch?

Bigregrets, Sophie etc how are you all doing?

Morning all,

Well today is the day of my GP appt where I am going to ask him to refer me for some counselling. Had a really tough week last week and am hoping this one will be better. Just missing OM so much-the no contact hurts BUT I realise it's the only way to move forward and it's need to be if for no other reason than out of respect for hubby/his wife. I have been told it gets easier so I'm just holding on to that really! Haven't heard from OM and I haven't contacted him. I know it was his works xmas party on Sun just gone and I used to get loads of msg's when he was out drinking and I got nothing so that just proves to me he is trying to move forward too. Little bit sad :-( about it all but has to be done.

Mabel: that's why I'm not meeting with OM (he wanted to meet a couple of weeks ago) as I know when I see him I will be back to square one and really don't want to go through all this again-for everyone's sake as it's affecting my relationship building with H and consuming all my thoughts. I understand WHY you met him as it's so very tempting but it's not a wise idea for me anyway. X

Bees-absolute madness isn't it that we go through all this "breaking up" when what we had is a fantasy world really and living in a little bubble-like living 2 seperate lives!

Sophie-how are you?

Hugs to all xx

Bigregrets how did your gp appointment go?

It's very, very hard to say goodbye to a fantasy, I am finding! Because by their nature, fantasies are more fun than real life. Sadly, the reality of my fantasy was that it really wasn't much fun!!

Wow I have just read the thread back and I so wish I had listened to all the wisdom on offer and not got into such a huge emotional whirlwind. He was so blatantly just backing away the whole time- he kind of dug a hole, I think, with his random declaration of emotion, then just wanted to run backwards away from what he had done at great speed!! I should have listened to my intuition.
And you!
Looking back with a bit of perspective makes a lot of difference. If only I had just played it cooler/ felt less- not because it would have turned out any other way, just because I would have ended up less hurt and stayed cool- kept my pride intact. Well hopefully I will learn for next time- easy come, easy go!

Hello all

Sorry not replied for a bit because I simply had to get away after the nightmare that happened. However, at last I feel as if moving through this and hope my experience can help you too.

You read my rather short post on 2nd Dec. It has all been such a shock. The good thing that has come out of it though is that me writing to his girlfriend finally had a really good effect - it has totally stopped him contacting me. I remember reading on one of these threads that somebody had to do something to make OM hate them. Well that is what I did and it is a blessing in disguise.

I got sentimental a couple of times and contacted him briefly. But got absolute silence in return which has never happened before in 18 months. This has totally helped me and since about 2 weeks ago, not only have I not contacted, I have genuinely not wanted to. I have finally realise what a loser OM was and how miserable he made me (which sounds similar to some situations I have just been reading above).

I have finally found a spring in my step again. Am focussing more on the here and now instead of thinking of him. And even though relationship with DH is certainly NOT back on track, there has been a definite shift for the better. It will take a while to get things back on track but finally feel as if moving in the right direction.

My situation was just awful and strange. My OM has a clear issue. And since everything I mentioned happened, have also found out he is pursuing an ex-girlfriend as well. So what helps is knowing that he has some kind of problem. He got sacked in the end - nothing to do with me - and yet still managed to blame me.

I do hope all you other ladies are doing well. It helps so much to read your posts and get through it together. xxx

Sophie I am glad you feel better, well done for keeping strong. It does sound as though OM has issues, definitely.
I feel worse at the moment, it goes up and down. I think I just feel sad that the friendship is gone, that's what really hurts-that that meant so much more to me than it did to him.
Genuinely, romantic feelings are not there; that was a confusion I had because I felt so alone- but having a friend who was not a parent, a colleague (any more) and who I could talk to about things like music, ideas etc, that meant so so so much to me and I really, really miss it. I could escape off out to the pub or cafe once in a while and talk about things other than nappies, schooling, debts and bills- it was priceless to me!
In that last measly two line email I got he said I had 'underlined how close we have always been' but where is the closeness now? I can't ring, email, anything.
But what really hurts is that I don't feel I did anything wrong: all I ever did was like this OM, genuinely really like him and I never wanted more from him until he crossed the line and sent me spinning. Now I'm out in the cold and it's all fucked up and it just makes me want to cry - boohoo, pity poor me!!
In the meantime, paralysis in the marriage: I want out but have no idea where to even begin, nor does dh. I feel like I am living in a stae of total unreality- a stranger in my own life. Maybe this is how it does feel during a separation?
Sorry, long- like you sophiebb I am up and down all the time, I just feel very blue about it all. If he hadn't sent that bloody stupid text it would all be fine.

Lovely to hear from you bees474.

Honestly, everything you say rings true. Indeed, a lot of things that a lot of people say on here ring true. And you think you are the only one who feels like this.....until you read this. And that is a comfort in its own way - what you are feeling is "normal".

Yes the lost friendship hurts. But was it REALLY a friendship. Really? I keep thinking back - how could a friend have made me (and you) so utterly miserable.

And yes, like you bees474 - all I did was genuinely like the guy and it was him who made me think it was more. He was the one who did all the pushing at the beginning. And then when I would back away he would push on again. It has SO helped me that he does not push me anymore and then back away. But to be honest, finally I realise that even if he DID contact I wouldn't want him anymore anyway.

And you say bees474 - what if I had played cooler etc. Well you just have to think that that is not your character - and you are the more "normal" one who does not play with somebody else's lives for their own gain.

How is everybody else? bigregrets, mabelmay?

And one other thing - I, and a lot of other women, could empathise with you wanting to talk to somebody about things not related to the "mundane-ness" that can sometimes come with bringing up children. I imagine that that feeling has affected many women - both now and in the past. It is TOUGH - to give up so much of your past life for a family and what that brings.

I am sure that I suffered some kind of weird "midlife crisis". I almost needed that to realise exactly what it is that I have back at home....

I love the thing that I read today on the other thread that there are "rules" there for when things are difficult NOT for when they are easy.

Hi Sophie, Hi bees - I've been staying away from mumsnet and my thread recently because I've just been in such a muddle I don't know where to start.

I am totally heartbroken at never seeing the OM again. He gave his phone to someone else yesterday as he's leaving the country in a few days. It's so weird that such a mundane thing can feel like such a horrible, painful wrench but it does. The last 8 months, our texts have been part of my life - however wrong it was. It was our only constant way of communicating. I didn't realise how much I was clinging on to it until now that it's gone. I'm completely gutted, and yet I can't explain to anyone why I'm being such a misery right before xmas.

I think I mentioned that we've seen each other a couple of times recently - as the time for him leaving as approached. We had such a good time. But now I feel bereft. Everyone on my thread told me to stay away but I couldn't. I know I love him.

I'm also in complete confusion about my DP and I. If I didn't know it would break his heart, I would take myself somewhere new with the kids now and make a fresh start. I know I'm not thinking straight right now but over the last few months I've come more and more to the conclusion that we just don't make each other happy enough. He needs a different kind of person to me. And I think I need someone who will cherish and appreciate me more. But we are doing the counselling and perhaps I will be in a different place emotionally and mentally in a few months.

Right now, I just feel heartbroken. Each time I knew it was the right time to walk away from OM I just stepped back, for "one more goodbye", "one last time"... because, as I think wordweaver said on my thread - it's NEVER enough. You always want more - and the trouble is, each time I saw him I just fell deeper and deeper.

He has a whole new adventure ahead of him. I don't think he'll look back much. Who knows...

bees, sorry you're having a slump. these things really do go up and down don't they? I really, really feel for you missing the friendship, the chats about non-family/kids related stuff - the stuff that really makes you feel like the "old you" again; that reminds you that you're a bright, sparky, individual with a brain and ideas etc etc. But sophie is right, if he were really such a good friend, he'd never have treated you in such a thoughtless way. And are you sure, really sure, you didn't fancy him he said what he did? Wasn't there something else there that made the friendship so appealing? I don't know. I'm just asking...

sophie, glad you're moving forward and thinking more about making things right with your DH.

I feel like I've had this kind of epiphany about me and DP. That it's over. And that fills me with both terror and yet a sense of relief. But I shouldn't get ahead of myself. This might all be my heart ruling my head and I could look back in a few months time and think what a load of bullshit. I don't know. I'm rambling now.

sorry, i just read my post through. bees, what I meant to say was "are you sure you didn't fancy him even just a little, before he said what he did?"

MabelMay - I feel for you. I really do. It is so so hard.

I don't feel like it anymore simply because of the awful idiot my OM turned out to be - he even managed to get himself sacked - that external verification that his behaviour was unacceptable really did convince me (although I should have been able to do that alone).

However I do remember feeling exactly as you do now and it is AWFUL. The only thing I can say is that time really does heal it. It is not overnight - so don't expect miracles, but plod on, put on a brave happy face and one day you will realise it does reflect how you really feel and not just 'faked'. It will also help you get clarity on your feelings for DP when OM is off the scene.

Good Luck.

Hi ladies

I've not posted for a short while as whenever i post saying i feel better, i end up going downhill again! Anyhow, am looking forward to xmas. Miss OM's friendship as Bees said also and MabelMay - i totally understand where you are coming from. Me and OM used to have text contact 20 times a day AT LEAST and would also speak on the phone for at least an hour daily. It's literally like you have had right arm chopped off.

Sophie - lovely to hear from you. Hope you are getting there day by day.

Sending big hugs to you all and hoping that you manage to get through the xmas period with some kind of happiness.
I spend time every day thinking about OM - some days more than others. Yes i miss him, but realistically - he's not exactly marriage material is he? Cheating on a pregnant wife. hmmm. Sometimes i get so cross about that then other times i just think what a big mess we got in to. And also i keep telling myself - he's not mine, never has been and never will be and neither am i his.
Xmas Day will be a test of contact but we'll see....
xxxx

Bigregrets - me too re: posting to say everything's okay and then finding it goes downhill again.
I'm having a bad day today. Feel on the verge of tears continuously. Well, I say "on the verge" - actually I keep taking myself off to the toilet and bursting into tears.
Just dreading having to put the fake smile and happiness on for Christmas - but at least I'll have the kids' excitement and happiness to enjoy I hope. I just want that to rub off on me a bit. I have to pull myself together.
Nothing is going to bring him back. He is gone. There's no point me imagining otherwise. It's so pathetic I keep thinking the doorbell will ring and it will be OM come to say goodbye again. Like that will make it any better. Or in my more ridiculous moments I imagine him saying he can't leave, because he can't bear to leave me...
I'm a freaking pathetic joke today.
Sorry. Shouldn't post when i'm in this mood.

Happy Christmas to all of you. Hope you are handling things a little better than me at the mo! XXX

Mabel, Bigregrets Sophie I really hope you all managed to get through Christmas OK and enjoyed yourselves too maybe?

• mine was fine, I thought about 'OM' a fair bit, but feel stronger now that I have spent some good, nourishing time with family. People like my grandma make me remember that you live a long time, and that life has its ups and downs... but we survive them and we learn and move on.

Wish I could make it all feel less humiliating but no, I can't go back and behave differently, sadly. I gather he doesn't want my friendship, that's sad but I have friends..... The problem is really now just getting on with life and trying to work out what on earth to do relationship wise. DH and I are currently living in same house, more or less in a truce, but it's a bit like a business partnership, getting on with the business of bringing up these two kids! I found a good sad/angry song, White Blank Page by Mumford and Sons, which I might listen to on those long car journeys when I go back to work. Mabel I hope the kids had a good time... I know how you feel, have wished so many times for another outcome, rewritten my lines etc.... 2011 is another year!

I can understand the thrall of a distraction when your marriage isn't all you'd like it to be.

I think that you know, deep down, that this man isn't serious. I think he enjoyed feeling 'needed' and seemingly able to cheer you up by saying some kind, thought-provoking words to you. Men certainly love being 'fixers' if it's not too much trouble but, the fact that this guy has carried on with his dating demonstrates that loving you 'mind, body and soul' are just empty words. If you asked for more would he give it or go running for the hills?

Other people can be a terrible distraction in a marriage, I know from experience. In your place I think I'd have to find someone to talk to, to sort my head out and determine what I wanted and where I wanted to be, and take things from there, when I know what's what.

Easy to say, difficult to do... best wishes to you.

Hello all

Lovely to have an update from you all (also MabelMay's other thread). I have not come on since Christmas so am reading it all now.

Yes the days are up and down as you have all said - but I am finding more up days than down days now. My OM has not contacted me since I wrote to his gf. It has been a blessing because I can now focus on the real issues rather than being distracted by him.

I loved MabelMay's words in her thread where she talks about now focussing on her relationship with DP and trying to figure that other. OM was a distraction. I guess I am now in the same place and find it useful to hear how you are all getting on.

At least I have now lost those awful up and down stomach pangs when we had contact - and obsessing about the last contact and what he or I had said. I am finally focussing on my real life again!

Take Care all

Having lurked for ages as I experienced the same things as mabel may,sophiebbb and bees474 last summer. Mine ended end summer 2010 and I fell apart for a while, luckily RL someone listened so I didnt go to the doctors and it all got better. Eventually I woke up one day and realised that I had been living under a cloud of stress for months, the stomach pangs sophiebbb mentions and I lost all emotions for the man slowly. Only at Xmas and New Year did it come flooding back but I have just acknowledged it, pushed it down and have good memories of our time together. The texts (the drunken ones sent when he was out were particularly endearing)and emails are nearly all deleted and I just miss the friendship we had as we cut contact, complete radio silence per all advice given. Best of luck to those going through the same.

Mabelmay I am trying to put things right with hubby and I plan to make it work and what is funny is I agree with most of your comments on other threads you comment on, I have posted on anothe name for this though as hubby rl mates etc could guess who I am.

The only thing I wish to add was he ended it not me and I never got to say goodbye properly. He deleted his email address and blocked me on his phone. He agreed to meet in a public place but didnt turn up, I will never bump into him as we live an hour from each other and I just wish he gave me the opportunity to say goodbye and good luck.

Hi saggy and sophie I am feeling far better now I don't get those pangs, as you say. Slightly worried though that still I am kind of influenced by him- I hear his voice in my head sometimes at work, little bits of our conversations over the years come back to me. When I think of that ridiculously teenage evening of snogging though, I just want to die of cringeworthy embarrassment! Maybe one day I'll just smile.
Little concerned this week as there is a reasonably high chance of bumping into him at a cinema screening. It's a concert film plus q and a with the artist, just the one showing in the local indie cinema. We are both big fans so he may well be there. I am going with another male friend, so hopefully will not just faint or anything, or worse, look sad and stalkerish by being on my own!

Hello all

And hello saggy. It is so nice to know that the emotions so die slowly. I am same as you - I have deleted all emails and texts. Just better that way. Don't want to be tempted to open a wound. What caused him to end it so abruptly saggy? That sounds like something big happened to make him cut off like that. Would be lovely to know how it is going with DH.

And hello bees. So good to hear you are getting over the pangs. Don't know how you manage to go to the cinema. I think I would simply avoid it as I know I wouldn't be able to cope with it. But good for you if you are able to go. Well done. Lovely to hear how you going with DH as well.

And mabel - how are things with DP going. Maybe we should start a healing thread with all the stories of trying to pull life back together again.....

Hi there - can't write for long now. I've not posted for a while...

saggy - I think it's even harder to recover when there is no explanation, no proper ending.

I haven't posted for a while because it all still feels very raw and I don't want to think about OM too much. Sometimes if I walk into a room and get a sudden flashback I actually feel physically sick - sounds OTT I know but that's really how it feels! So I just try to block him out completely so I don't have to think about missing him and never seeing him again, or the memories.

It is good not to be totally consumed with thoughts of them.

I am still working on my DP. Regular counselling, although he is away a lot still so it's hard to get into a good rhythm with him.

Hope you're all well.

Was he at the cinema, bees?

Phew Mabel just got back and he wasn't.

Now I'm over that little hump, things may ease.

THings will never be right with dh, but I am trying to make them alright just with me...

Hi Sophie I got over the new year pangs and just stumbled across this thread so thought I would reply to you. Quite simply his wife found out and they separated to sort the existing problems in the marriage, well I got half a story anyway, he asked me to leave and be with him, proposed a couple of times etc etc then when I told a close family member he backtracked, he couldnt cope with not spending much time with his kids and they sided with his wife. He just said one day he had chosen his kids and wife over me and that was that. Email account shut, phone blocked, end of!

Mabel, all I wanted from him was a proper closure and requested it at a neutral public place and he agreed but stood me up. I have dreamed that last time when I could speak with clarity and leave with my head held high. Glad you are working through it, think I may seek a counsellor out soon.

Bees that was a relief for you! Hope it was a good night out. One day you will smile looking back at that night and I think its ok to, I am at that point now, but there are moments of 2 steps forward, 1 step back.