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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you accept your DH not loving you?

369 replies

iifsn · 18/10/2010 13:00

Hi - just wanted some feedback as to how other MNs would feel about my situation where DH quite open abouly has always told me he does not love me (since soon after our marriage) and how it has always bewildered him how I have found it hard to live with that fact.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 18/10/2010 13:05

no, I would not

why does he want to stay with you then ?

nikki1978 · 18/10/2010 13:06

Why are you married then? No I would not stay with someone who didn't love me and would pack my bags immediately if my DH said this then had the reaction that yours did to my surprise.

Did he lie and say he did love you before you were married? Can't really understand your relationship without more info.

2rebecca · 18/10/2010 13:07

No, I'd be getting divorced. I suspect most women feel the same.
Why would I want to share my life with someone who found me unlovable? It's a no-brainer.

Original poster
iifsn · 18/10/2010 13:16

In his mind, the whole 'love' thing is romantic nonsense. That is the way he thinks apparently (ok, it might just be towards me).

OP posts:
Original poster
iifsn · 18/10/2010 13:20

Yes - there have been many problems in the marriage - apart from my original question. I suppose I am just looking for some feedback. His usual response when I have got upset has been that I should 'grow up and get in the real world'.

OP posts:
GloomyTubeNosedBat · 18/10/2010 13:20

So can you crane your neck up to where he is perched on his pseudo-intellectual pedestal and ask him whether he does in fact love anyone at all and whether it bothers him that his "non-love" might be reciprocated? He sounds like a prize knob-end to me but who am I to judge.

dittany · 18/10/2010 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheWeeWoman · 18/10/2010 13:23

What does he make of the millions of other people who do feel love?
The fools!

Original poster
iifsn · 18/10/2010 13:29

I am at the stage of asking myself alot of questions now. The usual answer regarding the ceremony were - he thought he loved me but later realised he was not thinking straight. (He has never forgiven me for a mistake I made prior to our marriage).

OP posts:
ToniSoprano · 18/10/2010 13:30

Are you married to a member of the royal family?

Plumm · 18/10/2010 13:30

Why did he marry you if he doesn't love you?

chandra · 18/10/2010 13:32

iifsn, why would you stay in such relationship. If he is so clear as to say openly that he doesn't love you, he is ready to be kicked out of the house ASAP.

It is true that love changes with time, albeit not all the time, there are a few blessed ones who feel deeply in love through out the marriage, other who potter about showing their love in small gestures, and those who think that mariage is just some kind of business partnership conductive to a better financial circumstances (not marrying for money or other non sense, but marrying for the commodity of having someone to cook, clean the house, do the laundry, raise the children in exchange of providing financial stability).

All of the above are ok, provided both parties are happy with the arrangement, but if you feel you need more.... well, it is very likely you are with the wrong man.

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 18/10/2010 13:33

No, because I imagine if he's cruel and insensitive enough to say something like this to you, he's likely to be emotionally deficient in many other ways too. No way to live.

Original poster
iifsn · 18/10/2010 13:34

My question to myself has often been, over the years, does he not love - because it is personal towards me and the fact he never forgave me for my mistake prior to the marriage - or, is this just the way he is. Obviously, the end result is the same, you are not loved whatever the reason.

OP posts:
thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 18/10/2010 13:36

Honestly, was your mistake that severe really, or is he making something into a massive deal? Should you be still shouldering blame for something which is in the past? He shouldn't have married you if it weren't something he could have lived with. He sounds awful.

Original poster
iifsn · 18/10/2010 13:38

And yes, we probably have different ideas about marriage. Mine involved being with someone in life who was special to you and vice versa as well as the practical arrangements. I think he sees marriage more as a practicality and has often said that you should not define yourself by being married.

OP posts:
Mobly · 18/10/2010 13:38

No I wouldn't accept it. He is cruel and weird and odd or he has some kind of Aspergers.

You deserve a mutual loving relationship. Seriously, tell him to bog off.

ScaryFucker · 18/10/2010 13:38

iifsn...how long have you been together ?

and how long have you been made to feel you are not worthy of love ?

a "mistake prior to your marriage" ?

he is punishing you for something...he sounds like a really horrible person who doesn't deserve you, tbh

are you thinking of splitting ? (I hope you are...)

Ariesgirl · 18/10/2010 13:42

Being in a marriage where you feel unloved for even three days after a row whittles away at self esteem pretty badly.

You deserve better.

Original poster
iifsn · 18/10/2010 13:42

I do not feel I am unworthy of love now. (I may have done in the past). But the concept of being in a marriage with love has been important to me.

OP posts:
SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 18/10/2010 13:42

He sounds a dick. Has he ever said why he chose to marry you? I doubt you actually blackmailed or forced him into going through with the wedding. Either what he wants (and always wanted) was a 'woman' in his house to keep it clean, do the cooking and laundry and be sexually available to him as well - or there's more back story here. Were you always the one who was keener to advance the relationship to commitment, marriage etc and he just went along with it? If that's the case then he is both spineless and passive-agressive; he doesn;t mind you being there (for aforementioned domestic service reasons) but he resents the fact that he's in a relationship and is therefore going to niggle at you until you have had enough and leave.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/10/2010 13:43

No, I couldn't - and actually, I think this is emotional abuse. Like others have said, I expect this lack of love and punitive behaviour manifests itself in all sorts of ways - a sort of death by a thousand cuts Sad.

I cannot imagine how you have been feeling, living with this. It might help you to explain further why you have chosen to stay in this situation, once it became obvious that he didn't love you?

LynLiesNomoreZombieFest · 18/10/2010 13:43

Whatever you did, he needs to forgive you.

If he is punishing you for something, it is no basis for a relationship.

I would leave him, and I don't say that often.

He may realise he does love you and fight for you, and if not it is no great loss.

dogfish · 18/10/2010 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WowOoo · 18/10/2010 13:45

No, I wouldn't accept it.

I can't sleep well if we've had a tiff and not kissed and made up. That's jsut one night.

Whatever his skewed reasoning is for this I would free yourself for someone who has a lot of love to give to you.

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