Would you accept your DH not loving you?

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Hi - just wanted some feedback as to how other MNs would feel about my situation where DH quite open abouly has always told me he does not love me (since soon after our marriage) and how it has always bewildered him how I have found it hard to live with that fact.

I have been upset, hurt, frustrated and angry. Really positive emotions

He doesn't spend time with the children at the weekends? What does he do?

I don't know what else to say really. He is a finance provider (and I would bet controller), a sperm donor who doesn't help (i.e. look after and raise) his own kids, an emotional void who is sucking out all your passion and love and leaving you with nothing.

There is nothing for you there and there never will be.

Life is something that happens outside of the walls of your house.

Do not wait for him to leave you, get your anger back and ask him for a divorce. He will never expect the worm to turn. That should provoke some emotion.

If you've suggested leaving/divorcing before, what has he said?

You seem mystified at your own emotions, or ashamed of them, it's horrible to see. If you kicked me in the guts, I would be hurt, angry and upset - would that be my fault or yours?

I am not mystified at my own emotions. I don't think I come across very well. I have been very angry with him in the past but I realised that having a constantly angry mother was no good for my dc.

But you are right, EAM, it is not nice to have to change yourself, to not just be yourself, in a relationship.

EAM - well, I think I have the problem because basically regarding divorce - probably would be indifferent. That is the truth.

I suppose it is easy for someone to be indifferent towards someone they do not love.?

You're just guessing though. If he wanted to get divorced I'm sure he would have left you. He likes the situation as it is, or he just has no feelings whatsoever. Either way, he would not like the upheaval of getting divorced.

It is as if you think there will be some reward for staying married. If you cling on long enough, eventually something good will come of it.

How would you feel if he just vanished in a puff of smoke?

EAM - I am interested by you saying ' life happens outside the walls of your house. Can you explain?

I am starting to wonder if this is a journalist.

If you mean life regarding a marriage, okay. But I have a real life with my dc and all the emotions I have for them, and vice versa, are all very real - unconditional love.

I am not a journalist.!!!!!

That's very funny.

.

EAM - my H does willingly look after the children if I am not here, by the way.

I mean that while you say that you both love the children, I don't know how that can be expressed in a normal way in a house where fondness and affection and love are looked down on in this way. You are miserable with him, and that is going to carry over into your day to day life. By stopping being the "angry mother" you described earlier, you haven't solved the problem, you have created a different one - "mother who cuts herself off from her own feelings".

I'm not sure why you have adopted the one-liner posting style but the effect of it is to make you sound like the expression of your feelings is very stilted. You are not volunteering much, you are picking out one thought at a time. I can't help thinking this is partly because your husband has drummed it into you that "logic" and "clarity" are more valuable than emotions or your personal wishes.

That is what makes me worried about your children and say that "life happens outside your house" because within your house you have one person (out of four) who derides love and feelings, and that is going to effect all of you and dictate the terms on which you communicate with each other.

EAM - you are accurate about logic being more important than emotions. Yes, I have been unable to express my emotions to him and have ended up getting angry and frustrated which then makes me look like the bad guy. I have been faced with - indifference - no emotions at all. That indifference has been very hard for me to deal with and of course I have tried to talk about it. But, yes, he does not want to deal with my emotions. That is how he is as a person. I am not saying he is indifferent towards the dc and does not love and care about them.

He just is not interested in other people's emotions.

I communicate what I would consider lovingly, freely and honestly with my dc. If anything, it has made me more aware of the importance of my communication with them.

Maybe he is right, as he suggests, that we are just not compatible.

I couldn't do it. I really couldn't. There is nothing worse than indifference, or cold emotionless behaviour. It brings out the worst in the other person and makes them grasping and needy, or worse, someone who bottles things up and tries to hold it all together, which I fear is true in your case.

You have to seriously think about what this is doing to your kids. You base so much about what a relationship should be like on your own experience with your parents. Your relationship is a model to them.

What advice would you give to them if the were in a marriage like yours in the future?

I dont know if he is cruel. He doesnt lie, he tells you to your face that he doesnt love you. You CHOOSE to stay. YOU choose to suffer. You are trying to dress it with stereotypes (ie all men are like this, they dont like affection). You answer questions about him but not about you (ie what do you want now, what makes you stay etc)

Is he very rich?

Laquitar - in a situation like mine, you are right, only one of the people ever got hurt - me. That is why, even though it may not seem like it to other people, that for me to even accept the truth was a big step forward. But, as I said, this has not been consistently said.

By consistently said - I am referring to whether or not he loves me.

Laquitar - regarding men. I ask questions because I am going from my experience.