Would you accept your DH not loving you?

[iifsn]

Hi - just wanted some feedback as to how other MNs would feel about my situation where DH quite open abouly has always told me he does not love me (since soon after our marriage) and how it has always bewildered him how I have found it hard to live with that fact.

So he's punishing you and you're letting him because you're punishing yourself?

Enough. You need to stop this, it's toxic and unwarranted.

To answer your questions directly again:

No, I would not accept my DH telling me he didn't love me EVEN if I had been unfaithful before we got married.

No, he was not within his rights to withdraw love and affection from you after you got married. The pre-meditation and calculation of this is especially disturbing.

Stop punishing yourself and tell him to fuck off. Then go and find someone who will love you.

So when he told you he didn't love you - you thought that a loveless marriage was all you deserved? Or you thought you could persuade him back to loving you over time?

Please answer - are you still trying to maake it up to him?

Is this man still having sex with you?
Or rather, are you still having sex with this man who says he doesn't care about you?

I would say I am now in a position of limbo emotionally, and I finally accepted a while back that you cannot make/persuade anyone to love you - which I must have been struggling with; either that or just not accepting the reality.

No you can't control how someone else feels or behaves towards you, you can only control how you react to them.

I would be running for the hills and not looking back.

But this has helped confirm to me that I am not just thinking like 'a silly schoolgirl'. So thank you.

Does he still want sex with you?
It's a simple question.

I think you both need to get down to some relationship counselling. It's horrendous that one infidelity before you got married has come to define your whole married life. TBH I really think one of you should have been brave enough to break up before you got married, but it's too late now. You need to get past it though, it shouldn't define your life. You must feel like absolute crap.

Was he this cold and heartless when you had your children? Didn't he say "I love you" at any point? What's he like with them?

You are not a silly schoolgirl, isn't everything around you - friends, family, books, TV - telling you that people look for love and emotional support from their partners?

Sex is very infrequent, virtually non-existent, due to my feelings about this subject and other issues.

iifsn....am I invisible?????

Have you posted about this before?

EvilAnts - this expectation that people look for love and emotional support is exactly what I have struggled with in this situation - as my thinking seemed to be the opposite of his.

I know that I decided I really don't think I understand men at all - or maybe, this one.

Another factor was the difference in how important the marriage was in our lives to each of us.

You still haven't said if he wants sex with you.
You aren't making this easy, it's like pulling teeth.

You have posted about this before....several times. What is it that keeps you with a man who is just punishing you?

Do you think that is a good thing for your children to see?

I can remember several threads by you over a long while.

What is it that you want?

It's okay Gettingagrip, I can see you! (waves frantically) Can you see me?

Yes. Sometimes.

thank god for that comtessa!!!!

I was gettingacomplex....

you sound very tired. I wonder if you might have some form of depression too (whihc would not surprise me in the least under these circumstances).

This marriage sounds unhealthy for you and if he does not love you, it cannot be good for him either to live like this. Can you find the energy within you to seperate for a trial period and would he prevent you taking your dc do you think?

Hope you see a way forward? This is awful really and he will not change towards you I am afraid after all this time.

I wanted to get married to someone that loved me and I loved them. It didn't work out like that. So, I realise it is my choice whether I continue living with something which was not what I thought I would have when I got married originally.

"my thinking seemed to be the opposite of his." - yes, and he is weird and you are normal. As the sheer volume of on this thread demonstrates.

How does that make you feel?

I am not depressed but I am disappointed.

Nothing to do with "understanding men" - most men would not want to be married to someone wwho they didn't love. He sounds either fucked up (what's his family background like?) or as someone said, intellectualised beyond the point of all sense.

What's he like with the kids?

Like an example of low self-esteem!!!! But, luckily I am laughing about it as well.(I find that helps.)