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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you accept your DH not loving you?

369 replies

iifsn · 18/10/2010 13:00

Hi - just wanted some feedback as to how other MNs would feel about my situation where DH quite open abouly has always told me he does not love me (since soon after our marriage) and how it has always bewildered him how I have found it hard to live with that fact.

OP posts:
SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 21/10/2010 13:59

Ifsn: It's possible to live in a 'loveless' marriage if both partners are kind and courteous to one another and the arrangement is mutually beneficial. When the subject of loving and not loving is not under discussion, is your H kind, courteous and willing to do his fair share of domestic work and childcare?

Laquitar · 21/10/2010 14:02

So he 'is not sure love exists'.

Does he receive love? From you, dcs, his family...

Original poster
iifsn · 21/10/2010 14:03

He did say to me, years ago, that he regretted marrying me. Yes. I chose to stay but it is more complicated than that. I would probably give it a go living in a loveless marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
iifsn · 21/10/2010 14:09

But, as discussed on my thread, this was not how this marriage was entered into. It was supposed to be about two people loving each other. I think that, if I entered into a marriage, with the understanding and shared ideas of a different arrangement whereby the couple weren't in love, but wanted a nice family together etc....I could do that. Ovciously that wasn't how my marriage was entered into.

Laquitar - yes, from dcs. But he seems sceptical about other kinds of love.

OP posts:
EvilAntsAndMiasmas · 21/10/2010 14:12

Ok iifsn I'm signing out of this thread - it sounds like you are actually prety contented and resigned. Good luck with it all.

Laquitar · 21/10/2010 14:14

Have you asked him if he meant his words before (when he said he loved you)?

Original poster
iifsn · 21/10/2010 14:23

It is hard to get a straight answer. It has done my head in. And now I don't ask anymore because I don't get anywhere. So yes, I accept it will be my choice and whether I consider it possible to make it work. We just seem to have different ideas about not just love, but people caring about each other and stuff like that.

OP posts:
Laquitar · 21/10/2010 14:38

'different ideas' or 'different feelings'?

You keep trying to dress it intellectually. What if it is more simple: he said he loves you because he thought he did or he really did for while but he is now clear that he doesnt love you. You want love and affection. It makes you miserable.

What do you hope for? Do you hope he will change?

Are you scared of divorce?
Are you used to a very comfortable lifestyle and you prefer to stay?

Have you worked before?

Original poster
iifsn · 21/10/2010 14:54

No. I do not think I can change him. And yes, pre-children I worked. Yes, different ideas may be different feelings - but these ideas seem to exist generally. But, yes of course I know feeling that way could well be just towards me. And I have tried to discuss this - but he won't discuss anything of this nature at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
iifsn · 21/10/2010 14:56

And you cannot talk to someone about this kind of thing if they do not want to listen. So - I don't attempt to any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
iifsn · 21/10/2010 14:59

We seem to have different ideas about what being in a relationship is about. So, I am resigned to not keeping on 'hitting my head against a brick wall'!

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 21/10/2010 15:02

it seems he thought he loved you when he married you

Then he realised he did not. Perhaps he thought also he could forgive the infidelity but found he could not

He cannot make himself feel love for you. I don't find him all that bad. He is being honest and he is taking on the responsiblity of supporting you and your joint children. I could imagine if you bring this up a lot and are more emotional than he is, he feels badgered and withdraws from you more and more.

I feel you are just going round in circles with this one. You must learn to accept that you are with a man who does not love you. He has made it abundantly clear really and it will not change IMO

Would he welcome an end to the marriage? Would he like you to leave?

dittany · 21/10/2010 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
iifsn · 21/10/2010 15:12

He is easy either way regarding the marriage I think really. My story is more complicated than this, there is more to it, but the situation now is he would prefer it to continue but obviously would not be heart-broken if it did end in divorce.

OP posts:
dittany · 21/10/2010 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
iifsn · 21/10/2010 15:13

Thanks dittany. You are very insightful.

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Original poster
iifsn · 21/10/2010 15:40

That has been one of the issues that there has been a disparity in our views that people don't just function - they have feelings. I think I was a woman who thought she could change a man.

OP posts:
dittany · 21/10/2010 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
iifsn · 22/10/2010 08:26

Yes it has. Thanks for all your replies.

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