Would you accept your DH not loving you?

[iifsn]

Hi - just wanted some feedback as to how other MNs would feel about my situation where DH quite open abouly has always told me he does not love me (since soon after our marriage) and how it has always bewildered him how I have found it hard to live with that fact.

OP, if you can't share more here (and remember, none of us have a clue who you are), what about going to a counselling session?

I bet this is the tip of a great big iceberg and you probably need more support than we can give, based on what we've been told.

I suppose I am just looking for some perspective as, in the past, I have questioned by whole attitude as to what to expect in life regarding the possibility of a loving relationship, and I have, wrongly I know, had to adjust myself within my circumstances. It would have been nice just to be myself, of course.

dittany - no, this is not my idea of a relationship! Married 9 years.

no, I wouldn't spend another second in the same property as him if he actually said he didn't love me.

I have a huge sense of entitlement when it comes to love - I am very nice to my boyfriend, even when he's being unreasonable, I will be nice about pointing it out, and I WILL be loved. I deserve no less. If he doesn't love me, he can fuck off.

No, I wouldn't sorry. For me, love is essential for my relationship with my husband.

Iifsn, do you love him? This just sounds so strange: you say you want to be loved, yet you remain in a relationship with a man who is making it clear that this is not on offer. I wonder if there's some stuff in your past that has given the idea that you are not actually lovable and therefore this man is the best you could expect?

I'm sorry to be disheartening but I couldn't live with it if I was in love. I love my DP a huge, overpowering and arguably unhealthy amount that he reciprocates but we had our first horrible argument 2 weeks ago and he couldn't say/show he loved me for 2 days - it genuinely nearly killed me. I know that's melodramatic but to me love is everything; I lost my job today but because my DP is telling me he loves me and has total faith in me I am not that upset because with him i will get through it.

I didn't read this whole thread so I don;t know whole story but I think if you are missing something you need you should look for it - if you have DCs this would be more difficult but if your Dh doesn't love you and it is hurting you can you live this way forever?

Am in a vaguely similar situation although he hasn't actually said he doesn't love me.
I'm not sure he does and he doesn't say he does.
He says similar things about love generally, shows no physical affection and we don't have sex.

He is incredibly rational but not a hurtful person. He cannot help the way he is but it still sucks for me.

I don't know what to do either. It's very sad to be in a relationship like this but I do have to think about the dcs.

No advice for you OP but you have my sympathy.

Oh and there are times when I have doubted my own view of what relationships should be like too - am I being idealistic for example?

That I am being idealistic/thinking like a teenager - that is the attitude I have encountered. Sex is possible but there is no affection.

Nope. Your situ would be completely intolerable to me.

It is not, however, just simply whether he loves (or doesn't love in this case). Personality, I believe, comes into as well. And, I am well aware, RCB, that, someone else will always come along, and I will not be given a second thought - but I am well aware that I have no value - to him - anyway. And yes, it has always been like that and yes, it ruins your self-esteem! It is just nice to get some feedback from others outside family etc. as I have never felt settled in the situation.

Then don't stay with him. I think it's a very rare personality type who can't show love, and not one I'd imagine would be attractive to anyone.

You don't need our validation that this isn't right, but we've all given it if it helps.

the thing you did prior to the marriage which he cannot forgive you for and prevents him loving you (at least so he says), did he not find out about this until after the wedding?

I expect you have dc now after 9 years of marriage and of course it is always hard to break up the family home. I am sorry I don't know what to advise.

Ask yourself: do I love him

Yes I have been told that by dh too - that I'm being unrealistic like a teenager.
I don't think I am - I know real love doesn't mean hearts and flowers and declarations of undying adoration at our age. I know we will argue. I know we will sometimes not have the time or inclination to hug or kiss.
But I'm not happy for the relationship to be completely devoid of physical affection, of sexual attraction towards me on his part and increasingly it seems of general affection.

It's miserable. The problem is what to do in our situation. Do you have Dcs iifsn?

"I know real love doesn't mean hearts and flowers and declarations of undying adoration at our age".

Why the hell not?

How do people come to have such low expectations of what love is and what it really means?

But surely that sort of thing is quite rare? I mean heck if you can find that sort of love or maintain it, fantastic but I think it would be asking a lot to expect that in most relationships where people have been together a long time. Not saying it's impossible, just that it's not going to be the case all the time.

Everyone I know in relationships of 20 years+ has a happy and emotionally close marriage, so I don't think it's rare at all.

Why should anyone settle for anything less than complete adoration?

I think telling your spouse you love them often is important. You have to treat them as though you love them as well though.
Shouting at them, belittling them or ignoring them and thinking an occasional "I love you" means something is daft.

He is onviously happy in a loveless marriage. You have to decide what you want. What we would want is a bit irrelevent.
If my husband said he no longer loved me we'd be moving straight into separation discussions. Difficult if you will be poor if you leave, but I wouldn't want to have more money and feel like someone's unwanted posession. I couldn't respect myself.

I think with the romantic expression (hearts and flowers) you meant infatuation as opposed to love, that period of falling in love as opposed to the state of loving someone.

In my (limited) experience I would say love needs to be maintained by constantly working at it. (NOT I might add, that I actually really do this very well) Infatuation will of course fizzle out, all that frantic buzzy stuff at the beginning would wear you out if it went on forever...

I suppose you have to know for yourself what love is for you. I wonder about iifsn's dh when he says he does not love her. How is he picturing love?

Yes zzz, it could be that he has a different definition of love to others.

More than cryptic, I find your posts to be quite 'dead', as I suspect you already are emotionally to be living in such a situation.

Can you take a holiday without him for a bit? Get yourself away from his influence and really get to know yourself again - think about what you want for you.

It's not your fault he's like this. It's not your fault.

abfab - I am not emotionally dead but yes, unfortunately being in such an environment does impact on you. Have had to learn, the hard way, that not everyone has the same emotional capacity or availability.