Would you accept your DH not loving you?

[iifsn]

Hi - just wanted some feedback as to how other MNs would feel about my situation where DH quite open abouly has always told me he does not love me (since soon after our marriage) and how it has always bewildered him how I have found it hard to live with that fact.

I suppose now I have reached a point of acceptance/realisation regarding what I can expect rather than being totally hurt about it constantly. Although, this may not sound good, it is a better place for me to be emotionally.

I must add - acceptance of what is possible from this particular person

But why are you denying yourself the opportunity to be with someone who does love you? Or even better, on your own? Wouldn't that be a better place?

Oh. I don't know. Am no relationship expert - lots of other MNetters are though.

But, it does sound sad, sorry.

does he 'make love' to you??

is any of that happening?

No, it was not a case of me pushing to advance the relationship ever prior to marriage.

Nothing is as exhausting, pointless, damaging to your mental health and actually slightly unethical as trying to force someone to 'love' you. Is this what you've been doing, iifsn? If that's what the situation is, then this man is still a dick - a decent man would have told you firmly but kindly that he does not want to be in a relationship with you and walked away - taking advantage of your desperate love for him to get his dinner cooked and his cock sucked, basically.

How is this reflected in your physical relationship? Is he at all affectionate? Do you have sex? How long have you been married and do you have DC? Sorry for so many questions.

Fact is, he either lied during his vows, or made them truthfully and has now broken them.

What's in this relationship for you??

I can understand why you are in a better place after accepting that he can not give you what you thought is a basic requirement in a marriage.

However it doesn't stop you to use your 'get out of jail' card! I am guessing that he doesn't show you any love in any other way otherwise? Do you have sex with him or do you make love with him?

Now tyhat you are not hurting as much, you will be able to llok at what you want from life and what you are currently getting and take a decision.

FWIW I could not stay in a marriage where I would not feel loved.

Sorry for all the spelling mistakes

I'm totally confused by this. Is he saying he doesn't know what it means to love someone, or he doesn't love you? Is he using this as a stick to beat you with, or is he confused about what it means? And what has your mistake got to do with anything? Did it destroy his love for you? Did he not find out about your mistake until after you were married? Was it trivial, or a dealbreaker for him?

Is he a good husband, besides this? Does he actually love you, but doesn't know it? Did he have an unhappy childhood, and fears the situation is repeating itself?

To me, there seems to be so much more to this that we don't know.

no I couldnt accept that at all.

What did you do prior to marriage that was so hideous in his eyes? And as far as I am concerned, something done pre marriage is to be accepted once you are married and not continually regurgitated at every argument.

I love my husband and he loves me. IF there was no love, there would be no affection or kindness and that is not something I would want for the next xxx many years.

I have always wanted a 'partnership'/'being a couple' as I was married. But he seems to have a very cynical idea about the whole 'being a couple' thing, and if I ever commented about any other couple seeming happy together - he would always say ' that's just for show'.

the Op is being far too cryptic for me

blood and stone come to mind here...

< skips off to leave it for someone else to wade through >

OK, so it's not that he was too spineless to dump you and is hoping you will do it - I still don't really get this. Do you have any DC by the way? Are you staying with him 'for their sake'? Because that's nota good idea either.
I'm going to make a wild guess that the Terrible THing you did before the marriage was some sort of sexual/romantic activity with someone else and your H should either have walked at the time or got the fuck over it by now. I know some people are obsessive about infidelity, but you either forgive a partner and trust him/her not to do it again, or you leave. Just because someone has breached monogamy doesn't entitle you to make the rest of their lives hell as a punishment.

shakes head and skips off to join AF!

Please answer our questions and then we can try and help.

OK, OP, what do you think he is getting out of this marriage?

< pins long service medal on sgb >

I agree with SGB and if he didn't think he could yet forgive, which might have been perfectly reasonable, then he shouldn't have married you at that point. He had a choice.

I don't think I ever thought or tried to get him to love me. I don't think I was very logical about it as it was an emotional subject for me and I didn't understand why someone who didn't love me carried on being married to me - although I know others live like this and stay together to bring up the children together.

How long have you been married?

Totally unacceptable and you shouldn't feel like you have to accept it either.

His argument is pathetic and only really about his own shortcomings - (emotional arrest, insensitivity, selfishness, masochism) - than yours.

I wouldn't be able to stay in a marriage like that.

Sorry for being too cryptic - feel more comfortable with that at present. Yes, I agree, of course, he should have walked away when he realised he could not forgive me.

Why would anyone with even a shred of self esteem settle for a relationship with someone who doesn't love them?
Tell your dickhead of a husband that most couples are genuinely in love and respect each other, and that it's perfectly possible to stay in love for many years, love should also deepen over the years.

He sounds severely emotionally retarded.