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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you accept your DH not loving you?

369 replies

iifsn · 18/10/2010 13:00

Hi - just wanted some feedback as to how other MNs would feel about my situation where DH quite open abouly has always told me he does not love me (since soon after our marriage) and how it has always bewildered him how I have found it hard to live with that fact.

OP posts:
Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 07:58

I have not become cynical about love, which is the philosophy I have been dealing with in my marriage, but my expectations as to what is realistic about it have been influenced which is why I am interested in others' opinions, rather than looking for approval.

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ScaryFucker · 19/10/2010 08:18

Has this thread helped you at all, iifsn ?

I still don't understand at all where you are coming from, btw, and I think you would have got some more indepth and sympathetic replies if you had just made yourself sound less like an android and more like a human being

You sound as emotionally-stunted as your husband, and I sincerely hope your strange frame of reference hasn't been wholly caused by his emotional neglect of you

dittany · 19/10/2010 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 08:29

I can assure you I am not an android - am just being wary as do not wish to be outed. In fact, I would compare my situation to the classic 'opposites' situation with two extremes of people - an android and whatever the opposite of that is - a human being!!!!! I have often wished I was more of an android in my situation - I wouldn't have got so hurt!!!

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dittany · 19/10/2010 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 19/10/2010 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 08:39

dittany - obviously there is more to this but I look for feedback as, to me personally, 'love' was an important part of a marriage.

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whenallelsefailsmaketea · 19/10/2010 08:41

iifsn

I was in the position of your DH until recently. Married more than 20 years to a workaholic I had exhausted myself providing for everybody else's needs and neglecting my own. It gradually dawned on me despite keeping my head in the sand for as long as I could that I didn't love my DH any more.

It took three events to wake me up to the unacceptable truth.
First he collapsed unconscious and I was just irritated with him for overdoing it. Then I fell in love with someone else and had an affair I am heartily ashamed of. Then his friend died and he was distraught and I just couldn't support him at all. I realised I had been treating him abusively because of the misfit between my feelings and the act I was putting on.

I came clean with him eventually and we went to counselling together and separately. He wanted me to stay despite everything but I had to get out and stop the awful pretence and let both of us find a healthy loving relationship.

It has hurt desperately especially leaving my kids with him but I know this is the right thing to do.

My DH would prefer I had stayed. I thought I was incapable of emotion and had shut down all feeling to avoid the painful truth. I was deluding myself. Now I feel everything and it hurts but what a relief!

Not sure what message to give you. Confront this and talk it through and don't let settle for less than you deserve out of desperation. You deserve more and better!

dittany · 19/10/2010 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AllOverIt · 19/10/2010 08:46

I wouldn't accept it. The marriage would be over for me and I would leave.

whenallelsefailsmaketea · 19/10/2010 08:58

There is bound to be abuse even if it is just lack of respect and consideration. If your DH doesn't care about you he will struggle to show the daily civility and acts of kindness we all expect. Is he impatient? Does he laugh at you when you get emotional?

ScaryFucker · 19/10/2010 09:11

why are you frightened of being outed ?

does he follow your online activities ?

does he treat you so badly that if you told even a small amount of the full story it would be very recognisable to anyone who knew you, even vaguely ?

your posts are terribly worrying...do you intend them to be that way ?

there are caring people on your thread who want to help you but all you seem to be doing is offering teasers about how horrific your life might be

I urge you to seek RL help if that is the case

Phone these lovely people if you need perspective, but I would recommend you tell them the whole story

warthog · 19/10/2010 09:15

it would be a deal breaker for me i'm afraid.

Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 09:33

waefmt - thank you. In my case, the love was one-sided (on my side). And, what you have said about 'pretence' is my thinking - but, and I am sure alot of people would find it imcomprehensibly cold, that there are people who just do not 'get' that this would be pretence (or care). I realise it is frustrating I do not give details but I confirm my situation is safe.

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Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 09:58

When you are in a marriage where there is no love on one side, you try to shut down your emotions in the end because you have kept getting 'hurt emotionally'. I suppose there are people who can live in some kind of an arrangement which has been the reality of my situation. I have struggled with it, though. It is nice to hear opinions as I had expectations when I married which were not met but as regards 'love' appeared to be there taking vows.

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Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 10:00

Sorry, I meant that when we took our wedding vows, I thought 'love' was there on both sides.

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ScaryFucker · 19/10/2010 10:15

you are putting the word "love" in brackets yourself

why is that ?

if your own terms of reference have become so skewed by essentially living in a marriage where there is no care, concern nor respect then you are in a very sad situation and perhaps should be thinking about whether you really want to be in it for the rest of you life

laurasarah · 19/10/2010 10:24

God he sounds utterly charming not!

Sorry but for me I would not stay with someone (no matter what his views are on marriage, what mistakes you made in the past etc) we all deserved to be loved.

If this is his opinion you need to decide if you can live in a loveless marriage IMO.

You sound like you've just accepted this and you know no different but this is not how ordinary people who love each other act IMO.

This is just my opinion BTW, Hope you get what you need eventually.

Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 10:30

I have accepted, which is a relief, that this is how it is in this situation - not how it can be, and I do have experience of other relationships. Sometimes, as in my case this time, the packaging is not the same as what is on the inside with a person. Whereas, with me, what you see is what you get.

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Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 10:32

Sf - yes, I agree. I probably do put love in brackets because I have heard so much bull.... about it - which I have, in the past, tried to reason with.

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ScaryFucker · 19/10/2010 10:35

iifsn...can I ask if English is not your 1st language ?

if that were the case, it might make me feel better that I cannot empathise with your phraseology at all

funnily enough, I spend my working life reading "between the lines" but I am just not getting you at all

what do you want to get out of this thread ? Are you going to answer anybody's gentle questioning at all ? Are you, in fact, having a conversation entirely with yourself ?

Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 10:37

And this is where confusion appears. I have questioned - ok, I feel like this about love, but, obviously there is some effect of my H telling me I am disillusioned and immature and I should get in the real world. But, I do refuse to accept his cold, cynical take on it.

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Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 10:41

sf - yes, English is my first language!!

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Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 10:48

probably, as dittany pointed out earlier, I am using my phraeseology because I am not at a point of taking action. I am interested in opinions rather than advice but my situation doesn't obviously suit me in my heart.

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Original poster
iifsn · 19/10/2010 10:49

And I know there is no medal for 'being disappointed'.

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