What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

One thing to add and it has been said before although not in this way:

Do not trust him with your DS while he is still abusive to you during this early break up.

Do not trust his parents to keep DS safe - h is how he is for a REASON i.e. Probably them.

Do not assume that because h is lazy and CBA to look after DS that he won't try to take him from you as a last resort.

Do not assume that H's parents will not aid H in keeping DS from you. They are already annoyed with you, he has already told them lies and he has already tried previously to make out that you are mentally unstable... He is probably telling his parents already how mentally unstable you are and how worried he is for DS and they are probably saying to their "golden boy" they know how he is trying to do the best by his son and his crazy wife but he just can't leave his son with you any longer.... Blah, blah, blah... One day they will very likely insist that he doesn't bring DS home "for his own good"

DO NOT TRUST HIM, DO NOT TRUST THEM, KEEP YOUR DS CLOSE

His chosen method, more than once was to deal with the break up by making out you are mad and he is perfectly rational/saint h... What exactly makes you think he hasn't carried on with that excuse? In which case your DS is very much at risk of being snatched lazy arsehole dad or not... The minute his parents start saying to him "don't worry we will help you with looking after DS"... Well the rest of my post explains that pretty well.

I know what your saying Curious and i will take it all on board. it does worry me that when DS is over his Granparents with H that they are doing all of it, cooking for him etc etc, i expect all H is doing is putting DS to bed and playing with him, but only sometimes as i know that DS does like playing with his nannie.

He has already proved that he doesn't want DS every weekend, but only when it suits him, well thats not going to happen anymore.

Thank you curious for opening my eyes again

I would like to thank all of you lovely ladies on here for all of your support and advice, i know i keep saying it, but you have all helped me and my ds so much :0

Just be careful. My XP told his family all kinds of lies about me. When he couldn't be bothered coming he would tell everyone I was stopping him. His last resort was taking me to court for access and he only did it because the lies he told everyone made people practically demand he initiated court proceedings. It doesnt sound like this is what your h would do, sounds more likely he'd just try and snatch DS once his parents were manipulated into doing the childcare. It took my XP 3 years to stop trying to fight me but all is fine now. I have asserted myself as the one with power and control and my children have quite a good relationship with him - I can even be pleasant to him. We have strict bondaries though and he began with supervised access. I have put a lot into making it ok for the children.

When things have settled down your DS may get much more stability from him if he always has someone else to do the hard work but just in this beginning bit you need to watch out. It is very hard to know how to handle it but you have to think holistically about what is actually best for DS in each situation. Like others have said going to his dad at weekends and missing his football would not be best for DS. Perhaps he could have him after football if he won't take him there? Etc etc etc etc Your DS shouldn't be expected to miss out on things (with rare exceptions) to see his dad, if anything his dad should be expecting to miss out on things to see DS.

I totally agree with you on the football front, but it was H that said to ds that he cant do his football on the days that i see you, otherwise we wont have much time together, which is rubbish as he will have him all weekend.

So thats when i suggested he takes him to football himself and then go straight home to his parents afterwards, but as usual H turns round and says, no i'm not having that mess to clear up!!!!! i would of gone mad but couldn't as DS was in the room..yes H said that in front of him, then said to him, DS if you do football when im going to be seeing you, we wont be able to do much else that day cos time will run out, so now DS has it in his mind he dont want to do football now, Thanks arsehole of a H for that!!!!!
You said the bit about if anything it should be H that misses out of on things to see his DS, if that happened it would be a miracle!!

I am going to leave it a couple of days and then have a chat with DS about his football, cos i know he still wants to do it, and if that is the case and H wont agree to it, then i will phone my solictor and make it part of the agreement.

No!

Pinkhair please stop letting your H treat your son this way. Try and put yourself in his shoes. He loves his football, but being only 6 years old and not yet emotionally formed enough to know his Dad is an abusive wanker, in his own little mind he will see his football as being a cause of argument and a barrier in the way of seeing his Dad.

Do not get it agreed that your H takes his son to football, because he will make the whole experience utterly miserable for your poor son, even if he takes him at all.

You know your son loves his football, so take that awful choice away from him. If it means he can't do his football, then your H doesn't get to have him at the weekends, full stop. Your H will have to see him on other days. If you need weekend breaks, this could be where your brothers and their families come in.

Your son also shouldn't be in the room when you are sorting out contact arrangements.

Agree with WWIFN. H needs to be told flat out that that is not acceptable. You should have said at the time that it was not true. You should talk to ds and tell him he doesn't need to choose between football and his dad, even though his dad is worried you are going to work out a way that means he will get to do both. Explain that daddy wants to see him and that is nice but that you know he likes football and would be sad not to do it, he is just going off the idea because he thinks it will upset his dad. You need to keep DS out of arrangements and prevent h talking to DS about arrangements. What you describe is classic emotional abuse of DS and h needs to be told directly that that is what it is and that it doesn't go on. If he does things like that he doesn't see DS. Full stop. DS does not need that drama.

Also I think never allow contact with an abuser like h because you need a break. If you need a regular break make a different arrangement until h can definitely be trusted (which may well be never). Contact with h should only be at times when it will benefit DS.

PH, sounds like you are still at the stage where you have unrealistic expectations of H. It's lucky for your DS that yr MIL does know what to do with him, because his dad sure as hell doesn't.

You can't make him into the kind of father you and DS need him to be. It would be the ultimate kindness if you let go of any expectations, and remained watchful of the situation.

He is not capable of taking full responsibility for DS, much as you want him to be. This is why formalised arrangements will create far more security and certainty for you and DS, let go of the informal, verbal agreements, they seem to leave you so angry and let down. Eventually I hope you'll be able to see this.

You've got so much to contend with right now. You really do need people around you willing to hear you say the same things over and over until you hear yourself repeating things and realise it's time for a different approach. Thank heavens you've got a reliable counsellor, now that you're getting some energy back you may be at the stage of missing the dynamic energy that your relationship brought to your life (although it was clearly destructive and dangerous.)

Keep working on the detachment, watching your H as if he's on telly, and noticing how he keeps doing the same thing over and over in different forms. He won't change. Accept him and his weaknesses, and think of your wonderful life ahead without the constant letdowns. In a year's time, you won't know yourself if you stick to this new path.

I also think it's okay to explain this to DS, in simple terms. He'll be feeling very conflicted about the footie now and that's unfair on him. He can't be expected to understand how adult minds work at all, let alone fucked-up adult minds like his dad's!

To a six-year-old, I would say something like "I know you love your football and seeing your friends, so I'm going to make sure you can go as normal and have your fun. Dad doesn't really understand kid stuff, so from now on I'll take you, and your uncles are going to help out too. Isn't that great?"

Bear in mind your H was already trying to make you drop DS's football before the split. He's still trying to win that game, and he's still prepared to use DS to prove his stupid point - whatever that was.

Oh no grace, I wouldn't say anything derogatory about h like "dad doesn't understand kid stuff" if h is trying to play DS off ph and himself this would play right into his hands. A child shouldnt have to choose between his parents. I made a concerted effort to pick nice things to say about XP to the children whilst at the same time being very very firm about contact and what XP could and couldn't do. I didn't trust him. I allowed him to choose a lot of the contact so that he would be more likely to come but I would not have risked the children's feelings by allowing him to speak to them like this h did... He says stupid things like recently when he got a new job and suddenly stopped seeing the children altogether I told him he had to come round and explain himself to them so they were not frightened of losing him. He told them "daddy has a nasty, lazy boss who makes him do all of his work as well as his own so he hasn't had time to see you" the truth is actually that in these tough times he wanted to impress the boss by doing everything he said in his first couple of weeks and was afraid to assert that he needed time off to honour his prearranged access agreement. I talked to him beforehand about what it was the children needed to hear - truth with a tangible way forward but he still failed to take responsibility so I have had to undo all of that which is not easy. Either way, after 3 years of court and 4 1/2 years split up he still is a problem and still needs effort and sanctions putting in. This may sound harsh but my XP has borderline personality disorder and was abusive in our relationship and beyond and I will not allow that to happen to the children - his parents are the ones who messed him up.

Yes, OK, Curious - fair point. What would be a better way to explain the football thing?

His dad didn't take him to football before the split, either. But it would be sad to let DS assume football is 'bad' because his father won't facilitate the Saturday game on his weekends.

Surely at his age, he's already been bombarded with enough information about the ongoing situation. How about just saying, 'either I'll take you to football tomorrow, or X/Y/Z will (ie one of the uncles). Now, let's make sure your kit's ready. What would you like for tea?' Statements about when he'll see his dad can be made completely separately to that.

If he wants to know why, he'll ASK. My 6 yr old certainly knew how to ask if she wanted to know why about something. He may have had far more info than he can handle ATM, especially because his dad seems intent on involving DS in more than he needs to be. You can't control what happens when DS is with H, or what is said really, but you can keep your own side of the street clean.

PS There will always be good opportunities for you and other relatives to come and watch at football, occasions when you can take photos, etc and make an enormous fuss of him and his enjoyment of football. You can't make his dad get involved, but it's an ideal chance to get other significant adults involved in a good way, just to try and create more balance.

If his dad then chooses to separate himself from all that, then it's his look-out. If he's got any sense at all (maybe not) he'll want to be part of the cheersquad.

DS will probably take this whole situation however you put it to him. As with so much of the rest of it, seeing he sees you more than anyone else (forgive if wrong there..)

WWIFN sorry i dont think i worded it right, what i meant it to say is that i'm going to ask my solictor to put it in writing that i will take my DS to football and if it is arranged that H has him that weekend he can collect him later on.

I dont talk in front of DS, will try not to but H never makes it easy for me, i try and always say we will talk about it later, but he will then put a comment in about something that will make DS reply somehow.

Thanks for your advice miss i will take it all on board, as i do with all the advice on here, i have been reading my thread right from the beginning till now over and over, and i do think i have come a long way. i'm seeing my councellor on thurs, i cant wait.

As for the football issue regarding telling my DS i will just say that from now on its only me taking you to football, he wont mind as its only ever been me anyway.

I know if my DS wants to know anything, he will ask me, he always does, and i always tell him the truth.

Yeah, I think it very much depends on your DS. My DS doesnt ask, he sweats on things and worries and acts out and needs an adult to help him confront his feelings otherwise he is stressed. The approach you take should depend on what kind of child your DS is PH. Mine would need me to sit down and have a looooong chat about how he felt about his dad and his football and would need probably constant reassurance that he didn't have to choose between his dad and his football.

My DS has recently come back from his one overnight stay per year with XP which was meant to be on 23rd dec (as every year) but was 30th because XP went to his new g/f's mum for Xmas. He is currently all wound up and upset about how we don't love him because we don't give him everything that he wants all the time. This is because he is aware that his dad is showing how much he loves him by giving him everything he wants. That is the only way he knows how to care for then but it is making DS (who is 5) quite confused about how we feel about him as a consequence.

He just has to work through it, we love him a lot. It is just constant, part of the problem is the change in the date was last minute and coincided with XP changing the contact arrangement and made DS frightened he wouldn't see XP again and made XP want to overcompensate when he did. I can't change XP and DS will just have to accommodate him and learn what he is about. He does love them though, he just isn't capable of stability or honesty. DD is not a thinker (at 4) and doesn't need as much time, effort or talking. She stresses before she goes with XP and DS stresses when he comes back. They are all different and I have found no matter how much you try, if the problem is with XP you can't protect them from who he actually is - lots of it is damage control.

Yeah i agree with you, i know for a fact that H went out and brought a scalerxic set for ds, said it was a present from santa, even though H knew that all DS wanted from santa was a bow and arrow set, which he got. (with plastic suckers on the ends) but it was all about him, trying to get one over on me, but i really couldn't give to hoots, all that matters to me is DS and that he is safe and happy.

When DS comes back from a night with H he is a little different, tries to see how far he can push me with his behaviour, but i think its cos he doesn't get any routine over there with H.

It is very common and the way I look at it it is that it is nice that he cares for them and tries hard to show them he loves them. I don't think present oneupmanship is anything to do with DS though. That is part of this period of adjustment you and h are going through. Women's Aid talked me through this period very carefully, are you seeing a WA counsellor? My XP wanted to fight with me, wanted to hurt me. He admitted that was how he felt a few years later and said it was because he felt bad about the things he had done and was expecting me to fight him, which I wasn't doing - just being attacked! Your x might not ever get that clarity but how he feels about DS and you will be intertwined for a bit - it is understandable but you have to be careful not to let DS get used as a weapon and also not to allow h to have more trust than he deserves. He has been abusive to you, he has displayed signs of being tempted to abuse DS or at least involve DS in his abuse if you (which is the same thing really), he needs to be able to build a healthy relationship with DS and be denied opportunities to make it toxic for his own benefit as well as DS'. No-one wants to be an abusive husband or father and he will have to deal with that at some point, until he does you and DS are still at risk from him and need to be careful.

I'm not seeing a WA counsellor,i did speak to them on the phone, but because i wasn't at harm, they couldn't really do much. but i am seeing a counsellor on thurs for the first time, see specialises in emotion abuse, which is was i suffered, and verbal abuse, he was a very controling man, but even now he still cant she that he was.

I am going to speak to my solictor as i need legal advice cos H still has a set of keys to the house and he comes in when ever he likes, usually when i'm there, but who knows if he comes in when i'm not, but i dont know if i can stop him coming in as the house is still in both names.

ask your solicitor about a non molestation injunction and an occupation order, this will help you prevent him coming and going.

Thank you susiedaisy i will do that. :)

I would imagine a counsellor specialising in emotional abuse is probably the same thing as the WA counselling I had. Your counsellor will hopefully really help you to see clearly what is happening to you, it is unlikely you realise the extent of it yet I would say.

Re: the house if he is no longer resident he cannot come and go as he pleases. As far as I know he has the same rights as a landlord and has to give you notice when he wants to visit. I don't know about the orders that were suggested above. XP and I didn't own our home, we rented and I was clueless about how it was illegal to change the locks while he was on the tenancy. Women's Aid had them changed for free within 24hours of me contacting them, much to my landlord's dismay (oops!) but it was effective. He went through a period of turning up and banging on the door, would have been a nightmare if he could get in. Sounds like you need the protection of an order of some kind - he may well not realise he cant just turn up.

I dont think i have really realised the extent of what i have suffered, or what DS has suffered, but i thought if i can get help then maybe in time i can help my DS as well. i'm nervous about going to see my counsellor as i have never been before and dont know what to expect.

It does bother me that H just turns up like he does, but i hate to think what might happen if it turns out he cant just do that, got a funny feeling he will go mad, and proberly stop paying the mortgage, cos at the minute he is paying it for me.

That is precisely why you need the counsellor and the solicitor. They will help you break the cycle. The only way you can get you and DS free is if you go to the counselling which will be very worthwhile and will be at your own pace and nothing to worry about. It will help you so much. You should not be nervous, although I'm sure you are. It will be very good for you and DS. Try not to get too ahead of yourself yet about the mortgage, see what happens. Make sure you go to the counselling. The counselling is the most important bit. It will help you sort it all out in your mind and then the solicitor will help to implement things but it all starts with the counsellor.

On the plus side whatever happened after XP and I split was not a patch on how awful it was to live in the relationship with him. You have already been through the worst of it and very bravely made the biggest step all on your own. The counselling will now support you, that is what it is meant for - to support you. To make things easier for you and to help you.