What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

Thank you so much Curious, ithe only way i was brave enough to make the break was the advice and support i was given by two very close friends, one of them is on here, and of course all of you ladies on here, you dont realise how much of a strong person you are making me, even now just by posting on here even though H has gone, it is still so important to me. :)

if he goes mad then that's what the non molestation injunction and occupation order is for, he cant bully his way through your life and his, and if he isn't paying the mortgage then he will have to pay child maintenance, either way a solicitor is the person to inform you of all of this, try to find one that specializes in family law if you can,

susie i do have a good solictor, she is brilliant, H is paying the mortgage, thats what he agreed so me and DS could stay in the house, and he is paying maitenance to, what i'm afraid of is if i ask him to stop coming into the house the way he does, or ask my solictor to do something about it, he might turn round and say to me, well i'm not paying the mortgage anymore :(

H still hasn't contacted me regards DS, in a way i feel angry cos it seems to me that he is not even bothered about him, mind you i have kept him ocuppied and busy, so hopefully he is not missing H.

I did ask DS last night about football, and said that from now on i will be taking you the football training and matches, and he was really pleased with that, i said if its a weekend when its h turn to have you H will just have to wait, and DS smiled, i also asked him if there was anything he wanted to aks me about wants going on between me and daddy and he said no i fine thanks mum, love you lots though :) bless him xx

PH - you can't take ownership of his choices about how to behave. If you are asking for something perfectly reasonable he should comply. If he doesnt you need to set things up to protect you and/or force him to comply but you should not allow fear of him to dictate your behaviour. He can't keep coming and going as he pleases, he doesn't live there. If you are worried that he wont obey then take Pre-emptive action like susie suggests. If it comes to it living in a new house is better than keeping your house but letting h come in and out when he wants.

Sorry, I am Curiousnamechange sans the name change!

Thanks Curiosity

I also need to have a major rant on here so i'm sorry for what i am about to say....

My H is an absolute arsehole, DS asked when was he going to see his dad next, so i said i'm not sure sweetheart, so DS asked if i would text him and ask so i did, the reply i get back is i dont know yet, its not fair on my mum she is tired as it is already, so i said well its your weekend to have DS, its not me your letting down its him, all he could say was i'm not going to argue about it, it just makes me so fucking angry, he is the one who is supposed to be looking after DS when he is over there not his mum, but as bloody usual she is doing it all.

He can not keep doing this to DS only have him when he wants or feels like it, he said when i get my own place it will be different, but from past words he has had with me, he said it looks like he'll be at his parents for ages as he cant afford any where else.

I just dont know what to do or say when DS asks, when am i seeing daddy.
Can someone please help answer this.

sorry, no experience...but I'm guessing you could say something like:

I honestly don't know when you will see him again, but I love you very much and will always be here for you

Thanks Lydwatt, thats what i have been saying to him, its just unfair, i know my H is an arsehole, but DS still wants to see him, he doesn't understand that what H done was and is wrong.

All i can do is be there for him. :)

Hmm... I have said to my children in these situations that I knew how much they loved their dad and I would do everything I could to make sure they got to see him but at the moment we were both feeling sad and angry with each other and that made it hard for us to talk to each other. Then I talked to them about whatever reason their dad had given and what I was going to do about it. I found it least confusing for them to point out when behaviour was obviously wrong but not to ever criticise their dad as a person.

All DS knows is that mummy and daddy dont love each other anymore, i cant tell him the truth, for a start he wouldn't understand.

I said to DS tonight that daddy would try his best to see you this weekend, what else could i say.

I have to stay with him everynight until he falls a sleep cos he dont want to be on his own.

pinkhair I believe in age-appropriate honesty with DCs, mixed in with lots of tact. I would explain to your DS that Dad is going to be living with Nanny and Grandad for a while until he can get a place of his own and that as the GPs are a bit older, Daddy has said that they get tired very easily and might want a quieter weekend.

Has your solicitor yet drawn up a written agreement that your H has also agreed to, regarding visits and contact? Because if he keeps letting your lad down and reneging on the agreement, it will have to be drawn up again.

Thanks wwifn that is just a brilliant and honest way on putting it, thank you again. but there is nothing stopping H coming over and taking DS out over his weekend just let DS sleep with me at home, that sounds fair, doesn't it?

I'm going to speak to my solictor about it in the morning, i also have a couple of other questions for her regarding if its allowed for H to keep coming and going as he pleases, with letting me know.

Hi pinkhair, so glad you're going to talk to the solicitor about H coming and going with a key, etc. Either he lives there or he doesn't, and it will be part of the confusion for DS that he's doing that.

Just beware the informal contact arrangements, I really hope you get something in writing really soon to create consistency and security for you all.

It will get better!! Just because H pays the mortgage doesn't mean he gets to call all the shots. You may need to resolve an issue re the housing, but until that is done (you may buy him out/sell it and start again with your share, etc.) there really need to be interim arrangements for your safety.

Good luck today.

Hi miss i tried calling my solictor but she is not in until tomorrow, so i'll call again tomorrow.

Regards the house situation, i intend to buy H out and carry on living here, i thinks its best for DS has its close to his school, friends, and he knows this house, and loves it. DS has accepted that H dont live he anymore, cos he says, now that i'm the man of the house, i will look after you mummy, he brings tears to my eyes bless him.

By me saying here and buying H out its cheaper as we have not got a big mortgage.

Fantastic, ph, sounds like you're really getting it together!! Well done.

pinkhair I don't want to get too heavy about an innocent child's statement about being the "man of the house" but especially given the role model of male behaviour he has been presented with, can I suggest that you gently correct him? The "man of the house" shouldn't be in a protective role, or any sterotypical role at all for that matter and I also wouldn't want a child feeling that it was his role in life to look after a parent.

I believe a lot of your H's abusive behaviour is based on his deep sense of entitlement, that he could do these things because he's a man. Your son has been exposed to all of these influences too, so he's seen his Mum run ragged working, doing all the domestic tasks, being treated like a chattel, being sworn at until she cried - and when he goes to see his paternal Grandparents, he sees yet another example of a woman being ground down and seeing her role in life as being in service to men.

One of the best gifts you can give a boy is to teach him what it is really like to be "a man". This is where good role models come in. If your brothers for example, are caring men in egalitarian relationships, this will be a tremendously positive influence.

When you put it like that wwifn, you are so corect, i have never looked at it in that way, i just thought it was sweet that he thought he was the man of the house.

You are right aswell when you said about how DS has watchedH treat me the way he has, and yes poor DS has witnessed most of these actions that H has done to me.

My brother (the one im really close too), will be a fantsctic role model for him, and i know all i have to same to my brother is i'm coming over is that ok, and i know we will both be welcomed with opened arms, and my DS will see what things are really like.

Can i ask anyone a question on here, i know how phbf feels about this and she has told me, but i am in contact with an old school friend, and yes we are just friends..lol, but i do feel alot for him, but its proberly cos i haven't had that kind of attention from my H. only problem phbf said to watch out for is that he as 4 children by three different mums and has never married, and emotionally i'm not ready to deal with anything like this, but surely a bit of fun wouldn't hurt, would it? :)

My DS starts back at school tomorrow, do you think i should have words with the head teacher, who i know really well as i work there, regarding my situation with H, not that he would come to the school and try and take him, but for DS really, cos i know i think deep down it may come out in his behaviour at school, from past experiences.

Yes, you should tell the headteacher, but most of all DS's class teacher. The school always wants to know if there is a separation, in order that they can offer pastoral support to your DS if needed and also to cut him some slack if he is acting out of character.

Pinkhair I would be exceptionally wary of the old friend. Sadly, some men become very predatory when a woman becomes single again and this man sounds like he's got form. I appreciate you've known him for a long time, but having a romantic relationship with him could spoil a long friendship, if it ends sourly.

I've been meaning to say to you too - have you finished that book? Do get around to buying the Lundy Bancroft one too at some stage.

Thanks wwifn, i will have a chat with DS class teacher tomorrow morning, i'm going to go in a bit early, they already new that there was problems, but they dont know that we have seperated.

Thanks for your advice on my old school friend, thats almost what phbf said..lol
I think its cos i have forgot what having fun is like, and when someone pays you attention, its nice :)

I am half way through that book that phbf got me, and it is really scary that some of it if not all of it i can relate too. i have found the other copy online, but not at a cheap price, and as i'm on my own i have to watch my money, if you know anyone who has it, maybe i could borrow it from them, once i have finished this book, if you know anyone who would benefit from reading it then i'm more than happy to pass it on to them.

Can not sleep tonight, :-(

Hope you got some rest in the end, PH. Yes, tell the class teacher especially, it will help stir their compassion for him, and also be especially aware to let you know if there are any changes to how he is in school without flaring it up into something necessary.

Was a mum on my own for 5 years, it's a great life, but yes, there are a lot of predatory men who seem to swoop in and offer to 'rescue' you. Beware!!! Any man who seems to only think of what they've got to offer, and not what they could gain by having you and DS in their lives are seriously a waste of time for you. Yes, the attention's great, but it has almost NO long term potential. Look at the ego involved in that attitude.. no different to your ex, really. You can provide you and DS with what you need all by yourself. Yes, company's great, but you're quite vulnerable ATM. Surround yourself with people who love you both.

yes pink def have a word with head teacher in school, i did this the very next day after i split with H, they can just keep an eye out for your child.

missmehalia good post, that makes alot of sense to me

School were really fantastic today, spoke to DS teacher and then to the head master, they said they would keep an extra eye on him, and give him a little TLC, so thats made my mind a little better now.

H phoned up today and has decided that he will have DS this weekend, but yes you have guessed it.....no football though!!!
So i put my foot down and said that this is something that DS really wants to do, how can you stop him from doing it, after an arguement, H backed down and agreed to it, but im taking him to footy, H wont take him, but i did speak to my solictor today and told her everything and she is going to have it in writing that when its his turn to have DS he will be doing football and he will get picked up from mine at a later time.

I also spoke to her regarding H coming and going as he pleases, there is nothing i can do as the house is in joint names.

Now going to see my councellor heidi this morning, am a bit nervous, but also looking forward to it, I can start to sort my life out, find the real. I'll let you all know how I get on. :-D