What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

pink just read the thread. cyber hugs. stay strong! some of the advice on here is just fantastic and i am so glad you are getting some support from the lovely ladies on MN.

hi pinkhair, not been on for a day or two but I have your book ready to post out today.

I agree with what the other posters have said, he is in a huff as first sol has told him what you are entitled to and he doesn't like it. CHanging solicitor won't change the law! He's all talk and bluster, at the end of the day your DS is settled in the family home with you. He is just trying to rattle you!

I would push the issue of changing th locks if I were you. Was he on computer looking for things??? Do you have copies of bank statements, and such like somewhere that you may need as evidence of savings/assets?

You may not feel it at times but you are the strong one, all these years he has ground you down but you are still stronger than him.

Your ds is bound to be unsettled, decide on your basic ground rules and stick to them, he needs to know where he stands in terms of boundaries. Lots of hugs and reassurance, you will both get through this.

Pinkhair, you're amazing for staying so strong.

Remember, you really DON'T need his permission to do this stuff. This is yours and DS's home now, you're responsible for making it secure.

Am thinking of you, and hoping today goes well.

Hi namey, thanks for sending out the book to me, i am looking forward to reading it.

I'm seeing my solictor on friday morning and am going to talk to her about everything that H keeps saying, but also going to ask her again about the locks.

It seems to me that the only time i dont feel strong is when i am around H or have had a conversation with him, cos he is trying to make me feel like that, but i am a strong person and will carry on being strong, i have to for me and DS.

pinkhair there was a news report today about a charges to be levied on divorcing parents- i immediately thought of you- i found this online.

"a charges" indeed
"a charge"

Thank you so much for that pineCones, i didn't know anything about that.

I suppose i am luckly as we are doing the arrangements between ourselves, we have drawn up a contract, and the solictors have said its ok.

I suspect that like me, people reading that link would have been very angry at Governmental pressure for women to stay in abusive relationships, but don't let that faze you, pinkhair.

You're going to have to fight dirty on this and this is why having a great solicitor is essential. Like I said downthread, a solicitor is duty-bound to point out the legal ramifications of changing locks etc. and to an extent, is reliant on their client asking the right questions and reading between the lines...

So, you should ask her to confirm that this is civil law, not criminal law and the difference this makes. And ask her what legal redress he has if you do change the locks and the penalty you will face if he is successful. She can't tell you what to do, but if she is able to confirm the paltry and manageable penalty in the unlikely event that he will litigate, she will no doubt smile at you enigmatically when you comment that it seems worth the risk...

Recognise that your H is simply continuing the gaslighting that he was doing before he left. These changes of mind are all designed to wrong-foot you and are like shifting sand.

Stand firm, tell your solicitor everything; the abusive behaviour, the violence towards inanimate objects, the abusive atmosphere that your son was exposed to, the plundered savings account, the unwelcome visits to your home and invasion of your privacy, the threats about the car and the house valuations, WA's involvement, the whole lot.

If it's any comfort, your H doesn't sound overly endowed with brains, so I suspect you and your solicitor can wipe the floor with him.

Thank you wwifn, i was very angry when i read the article, because what you said is excatly what i was thinking, but dont worry, i wont let it faze me, trying to carry on being strong.

only problem with me is i dont fight dirty, i haven't got it in me, its not me, i haven't got a nasty bone in my body :(

Trouble is with H one minute he is nice and then he is nasty, dont know which one to expect, but i cant get nasty....

I have told my solictor everything, but i will make sure i go through it all again with her, i'm seeing her on friday morning.

I'm hoping your right with the bit about H not being overly endowed with brains, i must say, he does always take his dad with him when he goes.....

Changing the locks isn't nasty, it's extremely sensible under the circumstances. You don't have to run it by him first, or get his permission. Just find a way to stop him waltzing in when he feels like it. It's a power thing.

Hi pink hair - I've been reading your post this evening. Our H's share similar behaviour! You've been through such a lot and are so strong. Your H seems to know all the abusive tricks. You never know where you are with him. What does your solicitor say about the share of the money you are likely to get? I bet it is more than 50% - if and are part time - not sure on your circumstances. He's just trying to scare you.

Hugs x

Hi pick, i have been reading your thread too, our H's are too much alike, i am seeing my solictor on friday, and i am hoping to settle for either 70% or 60% of the house, so i am hoping i can afford to say here as DS is settled here.

I am so much happier now its just me and DS, it will be even more happier when i can keep H out of the house, as he can still come and go as he pleases. but i am looking in to this now though.

Keep strong yourself
Hugs to you too xx

Hi,

Haven't been on here for a couple of days, sorting things out in my head, needed some space for a bit, the weekend was hard as it was H turn to have DS, and trying to settle him back in to being with me again.

Thanks namey i have received your book today, so that is my reading for the next few days, i really appreciate you sending it to me. :)

Haven't seen or spoke to H since mon, dont know if thats a good thing or not!!!!

seeing my solictor tomorrow am armed with lots of questions and hopefully get lots of things sorted tomorrow.

Seeing my counsellor on monday, looking forward to that, she is really helping me, i have keep a book on how i have been feeling since i last saw her, and we are going to go through that on monday, be interesting to see what see makes of it.

Looking forward to reading an update from your solicitor's appointment Pinkhair

Well went to see my solictor today and signed my copy of the divorce papers, she has sent a copy to H's solictor, not looking forward to the come back once he reads what is on there, but all i have done is tell the truth.

We spoke about the house and whether i can afford to buy him out, im hoping i can as i really dont want to move as DS is settle here, he is findings things hard enough at the minute, let alone if we had to move, but it shouldn't come to that anyway.

H is not alllowed to sell the car, my solictor said that we can use it against some of his share of the house.

i spoke about the locks again, but didnt get any response so i am really unsure as what to do, i feel as though everything is being left to me to sort out, H's new solictor wants more valuations done on the house, but h is not prepared to sort anything out, all me, he has had the chance this week to come over after school and see DS, but NO he hasn't bothered even though it is in writing that he was going to have him for a couple of days after school, its not me his letting down its DS, he's the one who is crying at night cos he wants to see his daddy.

It was useful going to solictors today, but it was a case on doing lots of signing really and sorting paperwork out, i just want things to be over now, but one thing i finding hard is doing it all on my own, cos i'm not at full health yet, its hard, i'm so tired all the time and the slightest little thing that i tell DS off for he turns to tears, poor little fellow and says i want my daddy, or he will throw such a temper tantrum, i just dont know what to do, its so hard.

I have just got to keep thinking positive and stay strong, i know...

Well it's good that you've got the paperwork rolling, but I wasn't sure what you meant about getting no response about the locks? Did you ask her those questions about civil vs. criminal law and the penalties?

with regard to changing the locks, I have a close friend who was in a similar position, except that her exH would send his sisters around to the house, and they would just waltz in, saying that they were entitled to be there as he had given them permission

She managed one day to lose her house keys while she was out shopping. Of course, as she had lost the keys, she had to get the locks changed, didn't she.

She also promised to get a set of keys cut for her exH, but you know what, she kept forgetting .

ModreB wouldn't it be handy a strange coincidence if Pinkhair lost her keys too while out shopping? How awful, she'd need to get the locks changed and everything for security reasons.

Pinkhair I've been lurking on this thread and think you are doing amazingly well, you have inner strength that some of us can only dream of!

Do be careful not to lose your housekeys while out today .

WWIFN I couldn't remember it all and had forgotten to take that information with me, but i did ask questions about changing the locks and so on, but she didn't respond to me, whether its her way of saying i'm not really hearing this, but do what you have to do, i dont know.

ModreB and Milngavie i hear what your saying, but cant do it, dont ask me why, something inside me is saying thats not right, maybe he is still controlling me somehow, cos today H called round and said can i call this bloke and arrange for him to come round and collect H's kite buggy he's selling, and i said yes...what a mug, he just went off doing whatever it was he was doing, and left me to sort things out, i mean what the fuck am i doing....Arrggghhhhhhh so bloody angry with myself now

I went and saw my counsellor again today, it was really good, i'm still keeping a book on how i'm feeling, going to make sure i write down when i'm feeling low and how it makes me feel.

She said that considering everything i have been through and going through, i'm very well balanced, positive, i said that if she had seen me a few weeks ago, i was a very different person, not stable at all, very emotional, and not at all strong.

I have asked three of my close friends to write down what i was like before and how i am now, see how much i have changed and where i haved changed.

Saw H today, he came round to collect his moeney from the kite buggy, still cant believe i done that for him, i asked him if he could either text me or ring me beofre coming over in future, he didnt like it much, he said well by law this is still my house, i said i know it is, but i live here now and i would like to know when you are coming round, not just walking in when you feel like it, he asked if i had another bloke on the go.......as if!!!!

Lets see if he can keep to his word!!!!!

why do they always assume there must be another bloke!!

They can't believe you would actually rather be on your own than with them!

Gah - change the locks pinkhair. As if this abusive wanker would comply with your request to ring first before coming . In fact, now he's much more likely to do the opposite and let himself in more because he knows it unsettles you.

I knew he would ask if there was someone else, thats him all over.

wwifn i know what your saying about the locks, but at the minute H is paying the mortgage and i just feel that if i change the locks he will not pay, and i know you are talking about safety and everything, but without the mortgage being paid, i have no where to live, so please try and see it from my point of view, thats why i asked him about either ringing or texting, all i can do is hope he will stick to it.

Maybe i should stop posting on here, i cant seem to do the things that people are advising me to do :(