What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

good luck x

Well i went and see Heidi my councellor yesterday, and it was really postitive, i got alot out of it and it was only my first session. she has suggested that i keep a book/diary on how i am feeling when i'm not seeing her, so i am going to do that.

It really annoyed me yesterday though, when i came home and found my H (soon to be X!!!!)
in the living room on the computer, and all he said was oh hi, nothing like, oh hope you dont mind, just borrowing the computer, or even a phone call to say he is going to be there......but no nothing, i felt so angry that he can just come and go as he pleases!!!!

It's great that the counselling went well pinkhair. Keeping a journal is a really good idea.

I honestly think you need some more advice from your solicitors about keeping your home safe from your H. Yes, it is unlawful (this is civil law so it is not illegal) to change the locks, but if you do so, your H will have to start civil litigation to be given new keys. It's pretty unlikely he will do that, but if he does it will take time and the house might be legally yours by then. The only penalty you would usually face for changing the locks is to hand over new keys, if ever.

I think you need to draw up a financial agreement about the mortgage payments and your risks if he defaults. Once that is protected, I'd change the locks in a heartbeat, because the benefit of having a home that was my fortress would outweigh the worst risk that I would have to hand over new keys in a few months time.

I agree with WWIFN that you should change the locks asap. Him coming and going as he pleases is STILL part of the emotional abuse... you need to stop him!

Well done by the way... you're an inspiration!

You're doing great, pinkhair. I'm so glad your session with Heidi went well!

I know it's a slog, but if you can put WWIFN's advice into practice, it's bound to move you and DS forwards. With any luck, it'll all fall into place fairly easily for you. x

just letting you know, ph, I am still lurking

you are doing great x

Thanks for all your messages, i will have to look in ti having the locks changed but also do what WWIFN said about an agreement about the mortgage payments.

But i'm not feeling so good tonight, feeling down, and tearful just now, feeling lonely, i knew this would happen, just when i thought i was doing so good, bang down i go again. :(

I have just read this entire thread in one go , just wanted to post and let you know pinkhair that you are doing amazingly well.

I left my ex in Nov 09 in very similar circumstances with the help of a long running thread on here and your posts really resonated with me. I would like to reassure you that when the dust settles you and your DS will feel so content just be able to be. I understand the ups and downs you are feeling now though, just ride them out, be kind to yourself and chat to anyone who'll listen. That's what I did!

I have a copy of the Lundy Bancroft book and I would be very happy to post you it if you would like it??

You mentioned earlier on that your H took his dog, is it an option for you and DS to get one? I've just done this and the comfort and company he gives me is huge, he gets me out with ds (or on my own if ds is visiting ex) for excercise and so - I wish I'd got one ages ago!

Hi hun,

Sorry to hear you're in this situation - guess he really has come to stop appreciating how great you are is just taking you for granted.

If your gut instinct is telling you to try and make the relationship work, I think the next time you meet should be at a relationship counsellor - not back at home. If he's not willing to see you there, you'll have your answer - it takes 2 to make a marriage work and if he's not prepared to meet you half way, you'll know you've done all you can.

Good luck hun,

Hope this helps xxx

sp...your post is rather badly timed, I think ph is rather past "meeting half way"

nice of you to take the time though

AF

I am off to bed but PH I am going to send you a private message, please do take me up on the offer of the book.

nighty-night, namey

SP not sure what your post is about, but i sure as hell know i dont want my H back, glad to be rid of him.....Thank you for taking the time though :)

namey, thank you so much for your advice, you read my entire thread [shocked] must of took you ages, but thank you for taking the time too,
its hard with the ups and downs i'm feeling, had such a good day yesterday, i do try and chat to my close friends, but it would be nice to chat to you too, if thats ok, i have replied to your private message reagrding that and about the book, i would love to borrow it.

I know what you mean about getting a dog, but i dont know if i could just yet, i miss our dog so much at the minute, i find that hard too.

Also DS is going through it a bit at the minute, went to school today, and he got upset, wouldn't go in to school, thought that i was going to leave him there and not come back for him, he was so scared, he keep saying, you are coming back for me mummy please. it broke my heart. :(

Thanks AF, nice to know you are still here and lurking about :) xx

just call me "lurkio"

I am sorry your ds is feeling clingy and a bit insecure

it's to be expected

and for you too, to have ups and downs

just carry on being strong (on the surface) mummy, he will come out the other side if you are consistent x

I will thanks AF, (lurkio) :)

I will try and keep strong, especially for DS, cos he does need it, and if i stay positive i will come through the otherside too. :)

Thanks again xx

H came and picked DS up yesterday, he was late as well, if it had been me who was late, i would never of heard the end of it, but he didnt care!!

H also has changed his solictor now as he didnt like the other one, we had to have our house valued to see how much it is worth and to see whether i can buy him out, which i'm hoping i can, when i told him how much it was worth, he said oh well i thought it would of be worth more, but when i explained what they said he agreed and said yes its about right then, but since he has seen his new solictor, which makes me laugh cos he always takes his dad with him, dont know why.

He now what at least two more valuations done, as he was told by his solictor you cant go on the first one, but our house isn't worth any more. H also said its something i will have to sort out, but like i said to him, i'm busy next week, got to go back to hospital etc, and he turned round and said well thats not my problem. arsehole.

He also informed me that hes going to have to sell the car as it is costing him too much in petrol to and from work, and i said you cant just sell it like that, cos if you do half of that is mine, all he said was 'oh well'

no he absolutely cannot sell the car, inform your sol in the morning, he cant go around selling joint property and assets just to piss you off, and as for changing his sol the first one probably told him things he didnt want to here, and he got in a strop so moved on to try to bully another one, IMO, thats quite common , people not liking what their sol has to say and swapping because they think they can get what they want out of different one, by the sounds of it pink he will swap again yet b4 this is all over, stay strong x

ARRRGGGHHHHHHHH

I am so pissed off with my H, he brought DS back after having him this weekend, We had a chat about things regarding the house, and he started to turn around and be nasty, he has said that he is going to fight for half of the house, i told him that i cant buy you out if its that must, and he knows that, but he said his solictor has said not to except anything less....Then it got on to the car and i said was he being serious about selling the car, he said yes, so i said but you cant as its part of our settlement that has to be decided, and he said no its not, most of my over time moeny brought the car so its mine to sell and im having the money.

DS has come back here tonight so emotional, i cant do nothing with him, apart from be a bit hard on him, as i think he is trying to push me.

I'm going to call my solictor tomorrow and email her tonight, i cant take this much longer he is just mesing with me so much, one minute he says oh lets be nice about things then he turns round and starts being nasty, i just dont know where i stand on anything. i'm so worried that if i cant buy H out i'm going to have to sell and move but DS has been through enough. :(

Change the locks. Get two more valuations in writing. Do everything through the sols regarding access/property ownership and asset division.

Your solicitor should have given you reassurance about your entitlement re the house. If DS is living with you the majority of the time, then a 50/50 split isn't quite that simple (I think.)

H is now making threats and throwing his weight around. I suggest NOT having these discussions with him anymore. Be polite and civil during handovers, keep him in the loop with any relevant info with DS. However, any discussions on division of assets should be done by a 3rd party to keep it stress-free as possible for you. Offer to take over the mortgage payments as a temporary arrangement if it all pisses him off that much - I'd bet chocolate on the idea that he'd say no. He loves the power too much.

BTW, isn't it a big hint that he's changed solicitors? And the fact that he said he was going to fight for half the house shows that he knows it's not that clear cut?! And you found him lounging around in there when you came home!! He's trying to be territorial. He knows he's not entitled.

Come on PH, you've done incredibly well so far, take back your power. You go girl!! You don't have to take this at all.

I agree it sounds like he's struggling / panicking a bit which is why he's changed solicitor... you should be seeing that as a sign that you're in a much stronger position.

Please DO stop having conversations with him though, really, let the sols do it, they can be more objective and you can stop worrying about what to say.

And DO change the locks!

Thinking of you and cheering you on x

stop talking to him

he has nothing to say that is helpful to you

I agree with the previous 2 posters

you are so lovely and so in the right

disengage and speak to your solicitor

if he insists on selling the car, he will regret it

Thank you, sorry for getting angry on here, it just made me so mad, but know i have calmed down, i know you are all right.

Im calling my solictor in the morning and going to have a chat with her.

Trying to stay strong, for me and my DS :)

you don't need to be sorry for getting angry

yeah i agree stop talking to him he couldn't be reasonable when you were married and 'in love' so he wont be reasonable to you now, he will just do and say what ever will cause you anxiety, put it all through your solicitor if you can, god he sounds like such a Pratt,