its all gone to shit

[jinx1]

sorry, very long. i thought me and dp had a great relationship, loving, trusting, lovely house, new baby, he's a good dad to her and my two older dc's from previous relationship, etc etc. perfect. only not. to be honest i thought i was reading too much mumsnet and seeing it all of a sudden materialize in rl. it started with a little less affection from him which was wierd cos we've always been very touchy feely. Then it was less sex. Then it was turning his back to me in bed without so much as a good night let alone a hug or kiss. all of which i called him on, asked if everyhting was ok etc and he said work was stressful so i let him be. next it was disappearing into the bath for an hour after work every night, taking himself off to bed as early as 7pm on his days off,and getting an awful lot of texts from someone he said it was a workmate with relationship problems. in general not being himself and being incredibly secretive.
the bombshell came after we'd had a great night out together on the saturday night, the first time since new baby came along. really had an awesome night, lots of affection, lots of sex, just like we'd always been. the next afternoon he went to this old mates house. i called him about 1am windering where he was cos he had no key and i wanted to go to bed but his phone was off. i went to bed and he turned up middle of the next day. he missed the last train. his battery had died. fair enough. he takes himself off for a bath and is quiet with me. that night he told me he needed space to think and he wasn't sure where our relationship was headed. WTF??? and i ended up at my parents with the kids for a few days completely bewildered and heartbroken. and it came out bit by bit. he'd met a girl on his lunchbreak at work two weeks previous. a random girl who'd asked for a light. and he'd taken her number. and met her for lunch a couple of times. and the workmate with the relationship problems he'd so merrily told me he was texting wasn't at all, it was her. and in the bath every night...texting her. and when he took himself off to bed cos he was so tired...texting her. and she's 18 for fucks sake. and she now knows all about our little family and how apparantly he hasnt been happy with me for a while and is only here for our new baby. and she's said all the right things. i wish you could leave her for me but i'm worried she won't let you see the baby. what the fuck!!! and he's bought it.
so he admits all this to me while i sit crying and tells me nothing has happened with her he wants it to work between us.i feel completely betrayed even though its just been texts and lunch i now know he's been lying to me and he's sat next to me on the sofa infront of the tv all cosy with the baby and all... texting some lass telling her he's not happy here. i tell him if we're gonna make it work he'll have to stop contact and he agrees. but the next day...he tells me he thinks we should split after all. he wont give her up and she is just a friend. no friend asks you to leave your partner when you've just had a baby together. and the fact that a conversation went on where he let her think he might... that was 2 weeks ago.
now i find myself living with my partner who tells me he can be nothing more than my friend. who lies to me when he feels like it(told me he was going for drink with a mate on friday night then admitted he'd walked round our area for 3 hours with someone he used to work with cos she was bored, while i sat at home on my own trying to settle the baby) he's still in touch with the 18 year old girl and she texts him regularly and has been into work to see him but he still says nothing has happened. doesnt seem to realise how much it hurts me him still being in contact with her...feels like she's back-up, like she's just waiting for him to decide to leave. and has been out all weekend fuck knows where while i'm at home in pieces with our newborn and my older dc. he keeps saying he wants things back as they were with us but this will be the second night he's been out with no contact...nothing. and when i pointed out in a text this aft that he's barely seen the baby in 3 days and i may as well be on my own he accuses me of using her as a weapon to get him home. i was single mum for a good few years in a crappy area when i met him and one of the wrost things is how he makes out i should be grateful for all he's done for me and my kids and makes me feel like he did me a favour. what the hell happened to the relationship i thought i had? just don't know what to do. he swears nothing has happened with this girl and that it won't but this is his second night away i don't know where he is or what to think. my gut instict says this mate he's stayin at is giving him somewhere to take this girl but i don't want to believe that of him. just feel completely lost like my world has tipped upside down and i'm hanging onto the edge for dear life. finding it hard to keep a brave face for older dc's and coping with newborn. should be such a happy time. what to do?

Hi Jinx,

Just read your story, it sounds awful for you.
Maybe you both need some space from each other. Perhaps he could live somewhere else for a while.
It does all sound strange and gut instinct tells me he probably is with the other girl when he doesnt come home.

Do you still want to be with him after him cheating?

Sending you virtual hugs x

fucking hell, that's utterly shit. he's behaving like a moron.

you only have one option as far i can see- he's got to go. i'd stake good money on him crawling back to you at a later date but try not to think that far ahead... for the moment, he can't expect to stay with you while all of this is going on and eventually you'll be worn down by his obvious lack of empathy for you.

have you got support?

jinx you poor love. He is behaving like a class A shit. You need to kick him out, change the locks. He is torturing you. You cannot go on living with him while he dallies about deciding who he wants. He most likely has been staying with her.

He's asked for space, well give him it, in spades. No more home comforts, clean clothes and hot dinners. He needs to start realising what he has lost.

Oh you poor thing. Stay dignified - this isn't about you. It's about some stupid infatuation.

I'm afraid I think he is lying and he's with this silly girl.

Throw him out, change the locks, get some support in RL.

Hi - how awful for you, so sorry for what you are going through.

I'm telling you, he is definitely staying with this girl and he is definitely sleeping with her. I'm sorry. I'm saying that as I think expending any energy wondering about that is a waste of valuable reserves at this time when you have so many decisions to make.
He needs an ultimatum, he has to decide. Then you have to decide whether you can stay in this relationship.

What support do you have in real life, both with your children and with your emotions? You need all the help you can get right now.

x

oh thanks all sorry to post and run last night but baby was awake and by the time i settled her i managed to fall asleep. i gave him space and he asked me to come home, said it would all work out in the end if we were together. i'm completely worn down by it all. i can't throw him out it's his house. my parents would have us but there's just not enough room. i'm being a doormat aren't i. yes clean clothes, hot meals, and i'm ashamed to say when he asked if i fancied a shag the other day i said yes...i thought maybe things were finally getting back on track. idiot. still no word from him. his phone's probably dead. can't eat properly, hardly sleeping, he's off enjoying being single. got to do the school run now, he won't be in til tonight. need to figure out what to do before he gets in.

well the house is in both our names but he pays the rent cos i'm at home with new baby and kids while he works full time.

This all sounds awful. How old are you and your partner?

Is this his first child? Sounds like he didn't realise the amount of changes and responsibility that was going to be needed and is running away from it.

This 18 year old should be telling him to go home and sort things out with you.

Hope it works out for you all.

Then it's not his house it belongs to both of you, kick him out. No court would see a mum and her children homeless. If he trys to object tell him he hasn't a leg to stand on in this situation.

Jinx
So sorry that you are in this position. He is behaving like a teenager, and he is a grown man with responsibilities.

Get legal advice to see where you stand. If the house is in your name then you will not have to leave if you split up. Chuck him out, it will make him see sense.

He is torturing you at the moment, and that shows how little respect he has for you.

Do you have anyone you can talk to? A friend or a relative?

it was her idea that he leave me,said he was amazing and she wished he was her boyfriend. makes me feel sick to know he's been talking with her about leaving, that she'd said she was worried i'd be a bitch and not let him see the baby if he left. like she knows me. he is 28 and he knew exactly what new baby would involve, he's been dad to my older two and absolutely dotes on baby. he says nothing is more important than her but obviously something was more important this weekend when he spent both his days off elswhere. i've talked to so many peple and got so many different bits of advice i just cant seem to get my head around it all. thanks for all your input and support. its a mess isnt it?

Forget the 18 yr old. If it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else. You don't need to know anything about her, or what she's telling him. All you need to know is that he's chosen to have a relationship with someone who isn't you.

Be strong, if you still want him and you think you can forgive him, then you tell him it stops NOW, he is home when he's supposed to be home and he acts like the father and partner he's supposed to be not like some teenager whose balls are on fire with lust for another teenager.

If you can't do that, or don't want to do that, then he leaves and goes to her. And you sort out the logistics of the rent and access to his daughter via legal means.

I'd get me some advice from the CAB for starters. This morning.

I agree with Bucharest.

It is not about the 18yo. She is not stealing your man. She tempted him and the idiot did not say, "Thanks, that is very flattering but I have a wife and three kids at home".

Get active, don't sit and wait for him. Take control.

Find out where you stand financially and give him an ultimatum.

i tried the whole ultimatum thing and got nowhere except for him to say he doesnt react well to ultimatums. last week when i was trying to talk to him he kept texting someone and saying are we done yet i want to go out. i couldnt believe a game of pool with an old mate was more important than talking things over...then when he'd gone all i could think was he's fucking well gone to her thats what was so important. when i get upset he tells me to stop acting the victim or there's no point crying now then he'll go all quiet and give me a cuddle and tell me he's sorry. i'm strong til i see him then i remember the relationship we used to have (used to as in just a couple of weeks ago)and for a while it feels like everything's normal and he's so great with the kids and baby and i end up feeling like the one in the wrong for doubting him when he says he's not with her. what if he's not with her. or am i in denial? heads all over the place

Sorry, Jinx. He is with her. That is hard for you, to know that he is lying to your face.

And even if he was not with her, it would still be unacceptable to fuck off for a night out with friends, leaving you home alone to look after the children.

He doesn't react well to ultimatums? Tell him you don't react well to a cheating unfaithful DH

I think he needs to go.

He sounds pathetic.

He is with her, and deep down you know that. The fact that he is texting her when you are trying to talk to him about the future of your relationship shows how little he cares about you and those children.

Pack his stuff.

oh dear. you are all saying what's been going round and round in my head for day. crap. i want to be strong enough to do what's right. i text him last night to say i may as well be on my own but got no come back. and last week he went out and took the back door key. i had to call him at half one in the morning to say the back door wasnt locked could he please come home. he told me we'd be ok with the child latch on and no he wasnt coming home til the next day. and even though i was worried it wasnt locked he wouldnt come home. i know its random bits of stuff but this is where my head is. i love him to bits and i need to dislike him enough to pack his stuff...just going over he stuff thats happened these last couple of weeks thats really upset me so i can get over the tears (god knows i've cried enough) and start to be strong.

it has indeed gone to shit. i'm sorry love.

why do men so often feel they have to remind us how they 'rescued us'. if it makes you laugh a little bit my dh has done this a few times in arguments - suggested he got me 'out of the gutter' (if by gutter you mean a financially independent homeowner in the middle of her second degree) honestly men! even if you dide live in a crappy area i v much doubt you and the dc were starving and barefoot!

meanwhile what this all amounts to is that your dp is treating you with no respect, for you or your feelings. even if he drowns his phone and promises to you everything is as it was, the bond of trust with you has been broken now.

i guess you can choose. you either put up with it or you leave.

sorry you are going through this he sounds like a total arse

Jinx I am so sorry that you are going through this.

This is what I would do (and did do when faced with the realisation that my H was keeping secrets). I asked for his phone. Initially, he refused to give it to me, told me it was private, that there was nothing going on. I asked again and again, there and then. Eventually I had to tell him that unless he gave the phone to me NOW then it was over. I didn't want to have to give such an ultimatum but it became clear that the information was on the phone. He gave the phone to me and it all came out.

Of course, our situations are different, my H was not claiming that he couldn't make up his mind.

BUT if you demand the phone, you must get it then. Not a few days later when he has deleted everything as he knows that you want it. Do not give up, just ask again and again.

That is - ifyou want to know. Maybe you will decide that you don't want to and you just want to chuck him out.

You should not sit around waiting for him to make a decision. YOU make YOUR decision. You need to gather information, and documents, just in case.

thats one of the things that hurts, that i have to feel grateful he 'rescued' me. it wasnt a good area, no, but it was a decent house and we were close to my parents and family which is why i chose to stay there. the kids have always been well looked after, well fed, warm etc, i pride myself on being a good mum, i was all they had after their dad left and i was running a playgroup til it lost its funding so not exactly skint. then i met my partner and we were inseparable and completed the family with our new baby. you can imagine my world has gone arse up now. yes this is a much bigger, better house in a lovely area with great schools and i am 'grateful' but i thought when we got a home together it was because he wanted us to be a family, not because thought he was doing me a favour or 'saving me' and his latest thing is to say its not his fault i have no friends to go hang out with or chat with...what does he expect its an entirely new area for me and i've kinda been a bit busy with the whole being pregnant having a baby thing to go out socializing and looking for new friends. all in good time. god this is the worst thing ever. he really wasnt an arse to start with, he was amazing, it was all amazing.

i know its all on his phone and i also know no force in the world could make him give it to me. if i hover round the computer when he's on line he accuses me of invading his privacy so there's no chance he'll give me his phone. god it doesnt sound good does it.

what do you want, jinx?

Aside from everything not happening and being back to where it was (I KNOW that feeling!)?

IF he were to be totally repentant and give you all the information that you needed, and if he wanted to work it out and get rid of her, would YOU WANT to work it out?

Because in order for you to be able to get past this as a couple, he must be repentant, he must cut all contact, and he absolutely must be willing to do whatever it takes to make you trust and love him again.

No progress can happen without these things. He has to be willing to make a lot of changes and do a lot of work to make things better.

If he is not going to do those things, then you have no chance. You cannot save this relationship by yourself.

I would bet a limb that he is staying with her, or at least seeing her while you are apart. WHile he is saying he wants you, he is having sex with her.

What do YOU want? Are you worried about money?

obviously i want things back to normal, i want back the good relationship we had, the good man i met. but i know he won't cut contact with her. i have asked him to time and again. he says she is no more than a friend and no, he won't cut contact. he won't give me his phone either. all this i know without asking. in his eyes it would be an invasion of privacy. and he expects me to trust him and take him at his word. there is so much i could write about conversations we've had about this girl. but the bottom line is he's been away all weekend with no contact and my imagination in over drive. i don't think he wants to save this relationship and i can't do it on my own. wonder if i should ask him to stay elsewhere for another couple of days so i can sort my head out. this weekend feels like a deal breaker to me but i cant seem to give up on him. pathetic.

I think that if you feel he is not going to work with you, then he should stay away for a few days so you can clear your head if you are not straight on where you want to be.

You do have choices. Currently, you can accept what he says and carry on. He is trying to make you see that you are being ridiculous. You can keep on trying to get information from him and get him to accept that he is hurting you.

Or you can leave. Or get him to leave.

He is maintaining that it is an invasion of privacy because this way he can keep you away from what is going on. He knows really that it is not an invasion of privacy but this is his strategy for keeping things a secret.

You don't want to give up on the relationship that you had. That is completely understandable. It does not make you pathetic. YOU are not the pathetic one here. You are the one looking after children and a new baby while he is off doing whatever he likes with an 18 year old! HE is the pathetic one!

you are all so kind. thanks pfft for not just teling me he's an arse and throw him out although i must admit that is how i feel at the moment. i'm getting the feeling that when he comes home he might say he's leaving anyway. just a gut feeling but we'll see. i dont know how much longer i can carry on convincing myself it'll all come good in the end, or stop my brain from putting images in there i really don't want about this weekend he's been away. he has me where he wants me in a way beacuse right now i can't afford to leave and by my posts i guess you can tell i'm in turmoil because a big part of me doesnt want to be the one who ends the relationship and wreck what we have here. then i'm forced to question what do we actually have here. me at home worrying with kids while he's out acting like a single man. and hasn't he already wrecked it? i had trust issues due to previous partner and he worked so hard to gain it only to do this to me. i dont know if he wants this back. i dont know if he's willing to put in the work. at the moment i'd say he doesnt. he wants his cake and eat it. i'm making him sound like an arse and i never meant to do that. my life feels like its not my own, like its happening to someone else. i'm having trouble facing up to my new reality.