its all gone to shit

[jinx1]

sorry, very long. i thought me and dp had a great relationship, loving, trusting, lovely house, new baby, he's a good dad to her and my two older dc's from previous relationship, etc etc. perfect. only not. to be honest i thought i was reading too much mumsnet and seeing it all of a sudden materialize in rl. it started with a little less affection from him which was wierd cos we've always been very touchy feely. Then it was less sex. Then it was turning his back to me in bed without so much as a good night let alone a hug or kiss. all of which i called him on, asked if everyhting was ok etc and he said work was stressful so i let him be. next it was disappearing into the bath for an hour after work every night, taking himself off to bed as early as 7pm on his days off,and getting an awful lot of texts from someone he said it was a workmate with relationship problems. in general not being himself and being incredibly secretive.
the bombshell came after we'd had a great night out together on the saturday night, the first time since new baby came along. really had an awesome night, lots of affection, lots of sex, just like we'd always been. the next afternoon he went to this old mates house. i called him about 1am windering where he was cos he had no key and i wanted to go to bed but his phone was off. i went to bed and he turned up middle of the next day. he missed the last train. his battery had died. fair enough. he takes himself off for a bath and is quiet with me. that night he told me he needed space to think and he wasn't sure where our relationship was headed. WTF??? and i ended up at my parents with the kids for a few days completely bewildered and heartbroken. and it came out bit by bit. he'd met a girl on his lunchbreak at work two weeks previous. a random girl who'd asked for a light. and he'd taken her number. and met her for lunch a couple of times. and the workmate with the relationship problems he'd so merrily told me he was texting wasn't at all, it was her. and in the bath every night...texting her. and when he took himself off to bed cos he was so tired...texting her. and she's 18 for fucks sake. and she now knows all about our little family and how apparantly he hasnt been happy with me for a while and is only here for our new baby. and she's said all the right things. i wish you could leave her for me but i'm worried she won't let you see the baby. what the fuck!!! and he's bought it.
so he admits all this to me while i sit crying and tells me nothing has happened with her he wants it to work between us.i feel completely betrayed even though its just been texts and lunch i now know he's been lying to me and he's sat next to me on the sofa infront of the tv all cosy with the baby and all... texting some lass telling her he's not happy here. i tell him if we're gonna make it work he'll have to stop contact and he agrees. but the next day...he tells me he thinks we should split after all. he wont give her up and she is just a friend. no friend asks you to leave your partner when you've just had a baby together. and the fact that a conversation went on where he let her think he might... that was 2 weeks ago.
now i find myself living with my partner who tells me he can be nothing more than my friend. who lies to me when he feels like it(told me he was going for drink with a mate on friday night then admitted he'd walked round our area for 3 hours with someone he used to work with cos she was bored, while i sat at home on my own trying to settle the baby) he's still in touch with the 18 year old girl and she texts him regularly and has been into work to see him but he still says nothing has happened. doesnt seem to realise how much it hurts me him still being in contact with her...feels like she's back-up, like she's just waiting for him to decide to leave. and has been out all weekend fuck knows where while i'm at home in pieces with our newborn and my older dc. he keeps saying he wants things back as they were with us but this will be the second night he's been out with no contact...nothing. and when i pointed out in a text this aft that he's barely seen the baby in 3 days and i may as well be on my own he accuses me of using her as a weapon to get him home. i was single mum for a good few years in a crappy area when i met him and one of the wrost things is how he makes out i should be grateful for all he's done for me and my kids and makes me feel like he did me a favour. what the hell happened to the relationship i thought i had? just don't know what to do. he swears nothing has happened with this girl and that it won't but this is his second night away i don't know where he is or what to think. my gut instict says this mate he's stayin at is giving him somewhere to take this girl but i don't want to believe that of him. just feel completely lost like my world has tipped upside down and i'm hanging onto the edge for dear life. finding it hard to keep a brave face for older dc's and coping with newborn. should be such a happy time. what to do?

Jinx l am glad you are finally seeing sense and l am so sorry for the upset and stress that this is causing you.
But
There really is no relationship here with you or any of your DC's and the fact that your DS has recognised that your DP is not willing to spend time with you should certainly be a wake up call for you.

You sound a brilliant mum and the DC's are very lucky to have you.

Pack his stuff up and leave it on the doorstep. Don't engage with him.

We are all behind you with virtualmoral support.

He has text to say there's no point denying my accusation cos I won't believe him and if I'm judging him he may as well commit the crime. He could at least have tried... In his mind he is single while I sit at home like the good little wife I have been to him. I told him I'll be finding alternative accommodation asap. He really isn't a bad person he's just not the man I thought he was :(

that's as close to a confession as you are likely to get jinx. If he cared what you thought he would not be waltzing in from work , getting tarted up and going straight out all night and the next day.

Don't move out. Stay where you are - your children deserve the security of the home.

He IS a bad man - entirely seperate from his relationship with you he is being a very bad father. Imagine if you came in from work, got dressed up and left your sick baby with her exhausted father? then stayed out all night whoring with some stupid teenage lad and took the next day off without even checking how she was?

Woud you call yourself a good person if you did that? No!

he may not be a bad man but he is a rubbish selfish partner and father.

He has a good as confessed to the crime and has shown absolutly no remorse.

Stay put, let him leave. pack up his stuff and text him that it is waiting to be picked up from the doorstep.

Do not engage any further.

Remember you are the good mum who will have a wonderful relationship with her DC's and what will he have???? Nowt to be proud of anyway

Hi Jinx, have read through your thread. Just wanted to pick up on something you've touched on a few times...the fact that you can't stay in the house. You will just need to check that the landlord will accept HB paying your rent.

You said it's in both your names but he pays the rent. Now you are a single parent, you can go on income support until you are ready and able to find work (£65.45 per week) You'll receive child tax credits for each of the children (roughly around £50 per week per child I think). Housing benefit (or Local Housing Allowance as it's now called) will pay your rent and council tax benefit will cover your council tax. He will also need to pay you maintenance for the baby.

The way he has treated you and your family recently is disgusting and he clearly sees nothing wrong with it. Your children are putting 2 and 2 together...he comes in from work, he goes out = he's not bothered about us. You are most definitely doing the right thing. Stay strong and don't look back.

I feel for my own self respect I need to leave. It would suit him fine for me to stay here, then when he visits baby he'll treat it like he's 'coming home'. I think things need to be on my terms now. He needs to visit my home not the one we shared. Yes it is upheaval but in the long run I think it will be better for all of us. Would it sound over dramatic to say it just doesn't feel like my home anymore? Don't know when he'll be home. Thanks for the virtual support guys x

Jinx

I agree with what you have just said about having your own place. Somewhere that he hasn't lived with you.

And, FWIW, my XP used to say that 'If you are going to accuse me of shagging around, I may as well' but he already was.

Oh jinx, I really feel for you, it's so awful. You are so strong though. I know you can do this.

xx

Thanks all, haven't heard from him since I told him I'd find somewhere else to live. Last time I made this decision he talked me out if it. Don't even know when he'll be in. Dreading what's to come...I've been here before :(

:( for you jinx. Agree re own home too. Know how you feel on that one. However, go when you are ready, don't rush and make a mistake. Get in touch with www.gov.co.uk (i think it is, someone else may correct me) and find out what benefits you are entitled to, as you will know from before they take a while to come through, so the sooner you do that the better. This man is despicable, the way he has treated you makes me . You said your parents are very supportive, so that's good.

Thanks so much, am settling baby whilst sorting tea out for dc's. Still no sign of dp. Probably teaching me another lesson by staying away.

Hopefully he is not teaching you another lesson. This should be lesson learnt.
Do not react when he eventually shows his face, please try and remain calm and dignified, this will unsettle him. Try and calmly ask him to remove his fat arse and belongings out of your face and life as soon as possible.

Remember you are strong and can do it--if not for us for your DC's.

Shit, this is really horrible and I feel for you. Sorry.

The way you've written about it, there are maybe three ways this could go:

1. He suddenly changes back into the man you first met, apologises, and everything is fine.

1. You carry on as you are, in hope that 1 might just happen.

1. You make a break for it and rebuild your life.

It's horrible, but it seems like you know that 1 isn't going to happen. Certainly there's nothing you can do now to make it happen. In time he might change, it could be a phase, but equally likely you'll simply end up in situation 2. And this would be a killer for you and possibly for your baby (I'm afraid I've never been a believer in staying together for the sake of the kids - possibly due to the experience of my parents but there you go).

Which leaves you with 3. And the problem is that this is the toughest option for you. It involves huge practical questions, a huge emotional strain in giving up your hope and waving goodbye to a fella you love/d. The big difference though, is that from what I can see, this is the only option where a) you can take control of the situation, and b) this is the only option that might bring you some peace and happiness in the long term.

Its one of life's real shitters that so often the right decision, the best long term decision is by far the hardest in the short term. It basically means that when we have tough times - and you are having a really tough time - we have to make them even worse before they get better.

I'm so sorry you're having to make these choices. Good luck.

oops that should have read if not for you for your DC's sorry

I totally understand you wanting to move out. You're right, he probably would still treat the house as his home. Maybe start looking for somewhere else to live just to get the ball rolling, and you'll feel like you're doing something pro-active for yourself and your children, rather than sort of waiting around for him to sort himself out.

He's acting like a child, which is helpful to nobody. Let him carry on, ignore it, and start sorting out the bits and bobs you need to for yourself and your children.

You should get your claims in asap for income support etc as they do take a while.

There's no point worrying about why he's out so late without contacting you etc...he just is, because he can, no amount of upset it causes you is going to stop him doing it, so please don't spend any more energy on him.

I'm not a man-hater btw, I just think that the way he has treated you, and is continuing to treat you, is totally degrading and mean.

how are you doing jinx?

Not good msboogie. He came in at half seven and said he thought it was a shame I'd decided to move out. No word of where he'd been etc. I said I thought it's for the best. He did try and talk me round and I was almost sucked in then he goes nah cant be arsed. Now he tells me he should have a say where I move to. Wants to keep new baby overnight and if I won't let him he'll go to court. Want to cry so badly trying hard not
To let him see it's tearing me apart.

Jinx - it sounds as though the situation is becoming clearer now. I totally see your point about wanting to set up your own new home- it's probably worth getting some very sound advice about what you'd be entitled to first, I don't know how the rules about becoming intentionally homeless work here ?

Plus I'd be willing to bet that he's trying to push you and the children out so he can move 18yo in sharpish.

Sorry cross posted there.

How can he have the baby overnight? He's never there overnight !

jinx i am so for you. What a total shit he is. He has no right whatsoever to tell you where you can move to, NONE. Am so sorry it has come to this, every woman's worst nightmare really, especially with a newborn. I'd try and get through tonight and when he's buggered off tomorrow, get round to your parents for a sympathetic hearing and some advice as to where to go from here. Thinking of you.

No court in the land will give him new baby overnight and to be honest he doesn't really want this. He is justvsaying this to get to toy and upset you even more. And its working. Remember he is not your keeper and has No say where you move to ( as long as it's not abroad).

Tomorrow he may change his tune and try and suck you back in again.. Remember today anad the way he has made to feel hopefully this will make you stronger.

Get to CAB and solicitor ASAP to find out where you stand.

Keep strong - you know you can do it.
Listen he cant kick you out - house is in both names at the end of the day no matter who is paying for it. You move out when you are good and ready. You have your children to think of and you don't want to have to move them unless completely necessary.

He has no right to tell you where you should move to.
Regards the baby there is no court in the land that is going to let him have the baby overnight unless he shows that he is able to care for it.

Just tell him to fuck off - sorry but you are worth so more than being treated like this

jinx he won't get anywhere in the court with that line. A newborn...overnight...think not! He's playing you. I suspect if you call his bluff that you would hear no more about it. (I wouldn't at this stage though get out first!)

This delightful behaviour is him trying to keep control. Try and look at it as further reason that your splitting up is the right one. He is a piece of work! Knows what buttons to hit and everything!

You are doing the right thing and you are strong. You sound like a great mum. Just hang in there and find your own place ASAP. Just think how much better you'll feel when you don't have to listen to his tripe.

Oh and he has no right to tell you where to move to - unless you move country without his knowledge (which I would imagine is tempting at the moment but probably not practical ).

jinx please be strong and don't let him see how you are feeling inside. If he perceives you as being pathetic or weak he will despise you even more.These men behave the way they do in order to control you but they hate you when they see you sad.

How is he going to have the baby overnight when he has his 18 yr old skank to entertain? Ask him that.

He does not care about you and when he appears to he is only scheming to get you to do what he wants.

You need to get him out until you have found yourself somewhere else to live.It really is time to seek some real life help and speak to your family. Don't keep it to yourself any longer.

Hi Jinx, sorry to hear he's still being an arse. He can see that you're getting stronger and seeing him for what he really is, so now he's pulling out all the stops to try and reign you back in. Please don't fall for it. If you go back to him now, he'll treat you far worse and use the excuse that you came back so it's obviously not THAT bad. It IS that bad, the way he's treating you is not how anybody should treat somebody they love and care about, if he doesn't love you and care about you/your feelings, there's no way you should waste the rest of your life with him.

I think you need to get away from him, it's so unfair for you to have to sit home with the kids like a dutiful wife while he pisses off doing the dirty on you.

Be kind to yourself, maybe buy yourself a new lippy and a magazine, take the kids out in the fresh air and talk to your mum [hug]

x

Thanks for the hug shady. I've talked to mum on phone for last hour, cried a lot. He's asked me this morning what my plans are. I dont know my heads all over the place. He's sorting out somewhere to stay starting immediately. Part of me feels he's calling my bluff. He told me to get down to the council and sort out a place. I know he feels like the wronged party here, I'm the one whos ended it. Your loss, he said. My loss. And it does feel like my loss. Can't stop crying. I know he'll be getting all sorts of legal advice today suddenly he's all business. And no doubt everyone will be saying oh you did your best for her and this is the thanks you get... Said some harsh things to me last night, he goes to work while I sit on my arse at home and then expect help with the baby...who the fuck does he think keeps this place running, food on the table, bills paid, clean fucking socks in his drawer every day... God I feel like I've made a bad situation a million times worse. initially when he first became distant etc and we discussed separating he said if I didn't let him see baby every day he'd go for custody. part of me thinks I stayed here, put up with this because I was scared if I left he'd get the baby. Now I'm petrified he will even though I've said he can see her whenever. So scared of losing her all I can think is I shouldve carried on putting up with things.