its all gone to shit

[jinx1]

sorry, very long. i thought me and dp had a great relationship, loving, trusting, lovely house, new baby, he's a good dad to her and my two older dc's from previous relationship, etc etc. perfect. only not. to be honest i thought i was reading too much mumsnet and seeing it all of a sudden materialize in rl. it started with a little less affection from him which was wierd cos we've always been very touchy feely. Then it was less sex. Then it was turning his back to me in bed without so much as a good night let alone a hug or kiss. all of which i called him on, asked if everyhting was ok etc and he said work was stressful so i let him be. next it was disappearing into the bath for an hour after work every night, taking himself off to bed as early as 7pm on his days off,and getting an awful lot of texts from someone he said it was a workmate with relationship problems. in general not being himself and being incredibly secretive.
the bombshell came after we'd had a great night out together on the saturday night, the first time since new baby came along. really had an awesome night, lots of affection, lots of sex, just like we'd always been. the next afternoon he went to this old mates house. i called him about 1am windering where he was cos he had no key and i wanted to go to bed but his phone was off. i went to bed and he turned up middle of the next day. he missed the last train. his battery had died. fair enough. he takes himself off for a bath and is quiet with me. that night he told me he needed space to think and he wasn't sure where our relationship was headed. WTF??? and i ended up at my parents with the kids for a few days completely bewildered and heartbroken. and it came out bit by bit. he'd met a girl on his lunchbreak at work two weeks previous. a random girl who'd asked for a light. and he'd taken her number. and met her for lunch a couple of times. and the workmate with the relationship problems he'd so merrily told me he was texting wasn't at all, it was her. and in the bath every night...texting her. and when he took himself off to bed cos he was so tired...texting her. and she's 18 for fucks sake. and she now knows all about our little family and how apparantly he hasnt been happy with me for a while and is only here for our new baby. and she's said all the right things. i wish you could leave her for me but i'm worried she won't let you see the baby. what the fuck!!! and he's bought it.
so he admits all this to me while i sit crying and tells me nothing has happened with her he wants it to work between us.i feel completely betrayed even though its just been texts and lunch i now know he's been lying to me and he's sat next to me on the sofa infront of the tv all cosy with the baby and all... texting some lass telling her he's not happy here. i tell him if we're gonna make it work he'll have to stop contact and he agrees. but the next day...he tells me he thinks we should split after all. he wont give her up and she is just a friend. no friend asks you to leave your partner when you've just had a baby together. and the fact that a conversation went on where he let her think he might... that was 2 weeks ago.
now i find myself living with my partner who tells me he can be nothing more than my friend. who lies to me when he feels like it(told me he was going for drink with a mate on friday night then admitted he'd walked round our area for 3 hours with someone he used to work with cos she was bored, while i sat at home on my own trying to settle the baby) he's still in touch with the 18 year old girl and she texts him regularly and has been into work to see him but he still says nothing has happened. doesnt seem to realise how much it hurts me him still being in contact with her...feels like she's back-up, like she's just waiting for him to decide to leave. and has been out all weekend fuck knows where while i'm at home in pieces with our newborn and my older dc. he keeps saying he wants things back as they were with us but this will be the second night he's been out with no contact...nothing. and when i pointed out in a text this aft that he's barely seen the baby in 3 days and i may as well be on my own he accuses me of using her as a weapon to get him home. i was single mum for a good few years in a crappy area when i met him and one of the wrost things is how he makes out i should be grateful for all he's done for me and my kids and makes me feel like he did me a favour. what the hell happened to the relationship i thought i had? just don't know what to do. he swears nothing has happened with this girl and that it won't but this is his second night away i don't know where he is or what to think. my gut instict says this mate he's stayin at is giving him somewhere to take this girl but i don't want to believe that of him. just feel completely lost like my world has tipped upside down and i'm hanging onto the edge for dear life. finding it hard to keep a brave face for older dc's and coping with newborn. should be such a happy time. what to do?

This is all so obvious, it really is. Save some pride and tell him his is not welcome back in the family home. It's the full stop, the bottom line. This must be breaking you to pieces time after time. You are worth more than the crumbs he is tossing you. If he was so honest, he would sit you down and go through all those texts, but no. Do you know his online account info? It's usually phone number and mobile account no (top of any bill) - you can check how often these texts are etc. I caught my DH out on an emotional "thing" - had all the "you can't tell me who I can talk to". Now he is disgusted with himself, he got caught up in it all, the excitment but it was largely innocent, just creeping over the line really with the amount of texts. You are worth more than this. What do you want to see when you look into your future? It'll be crap for a while, you know that being a single mum before, but you will be so much better. DO your children deserve a dad who flits in and out? Imagine you did it! Unacceptable, even if he is just at a mates - I don't leave my three kids with no word when I fancy. 28 year old - he is getting off on all the attention of 18 yr olds - odd age group to be hanging around with (my DH is 28). Take this situation back into your court, to be harsh he is making a proper mug out of you {{hugs}}. Be calm, be civil, be dignified but this is so awful to read.

Thanks all he came in at midnight. Need to go to bed now will update tomorrow x

my x used to pull that rescue shit on me. He'd actually SAY in a row "You had nothing when I met you, no car, no mortgage, no qualifications". Even though he had my confidence ground down to zero I used to laugh inwardly, reminded of that human league song.. You were working as a cocktail waitress when I met you. My insides were yelling "even then I knew I'd find a much better job, with or without you".

Jinx, you are wasting your time and your love on this man

How many chances are you going to give him ?

He isn't "trying" at all...he is carrying on secure in the knowledge you will pretend to believe his lies because you don't want to "lose" him

Love, you don't have him, not in the way you want

And please stop with the "but we had an adventurous sexlife etc" because that sounds like you are looking to yourself as the reason why he is a cheating twat

he is a cheating twat because that is what he is not because of anything you did/didn't do

however now he has made it abundantly clear this is the life of horror and distrust you can expect from him you do have a choice here

put up with it or get out of it

I honestly don't know what I see in my future. I hope to see him realising he's been an arse and trying his hardest to put it right. I think hes getting there as things are generally improving. Scaryfucker of course I'm looking to myself wondering if I couldve done things differently. I know that's the wrong thing to do but I'm guessing it's all part of the process.

Unfortunatly Jinks we can all see your future even if you can't.
This man will nver change and he is having his cake and eating it. he is keeping you dangling/available while he enjoys himself out with ow..

There is nothing that you could have said or done differently--the man is and always has been a twat.
Imagine this was your DD telling you the story, what would you be telling her to do?

It won't be easy telling him to go--but you need to get your self respect back, hold your head high and say enough is enough. he has had chance after chance and your confide4nce and self respect is being eroded with every new episode.

You need to do this not just for yourself but also your DC's. This man is no role model. he is a disgrace.

Your future is a good strong one with you and your kids as a single strong headed woman setting a great example or one that is part of a couple where your mental and physical health is run down to breaking point and you make yourself very ill and your kids see this as an example of how men should treat women if you stay with this prick.

He is using you and he won't change. You need to change it for him.

This man is no role model. he is a disgrace.

very true

Dionethediabolist you hit the nail on the head so precisely, thanks for putting into words what I've had in my head for the last few weeks. He sold me a dream, showed me the awesome life we could have then broke it infront of my eyes. I know it's over. Never thought he'd be capable of hurting me as badly as he has. Someone said to me 'never make a priority of someone who sees you as an option' cant see any way back and the future is just as cloudy. Wish me luck.

Good luck jinx Please remember he is not the man yuo thought (and he pretended) he was. If he was that good man he wouldn't be doing this now.

He's gone out for the night. One of his mates has a gig [hhmm] Do i believe him? Do i fuck. He came in from work stayed 20mins said hi to baby, told dc's to have a good night and he'd see them after work tomorrow all whilst getting ready to go. And baby is ill. when I tackled him on priorities and that I've been with a poorly baby all day plus occupying dc's he says he works hard and deserves a night out, like I do nothing. running the house, caring for older dc's and baby, worrying about money, paying all the bills, shopping, cleaning, cooking, washing...
I think I'm finally seeing him as he truly is...an immature, inconsiderate, self absorbed manchild. Cold to the point of cruel sometimes. I told him to stay gone. Then I got baby to sleep, treat dc's to Chinese take away, put on a movie for us and remembered what an ace, confident, outgoing and fun single mum I used to be. Instead of what I've become...downtrodden, taken for granted, undervalued, disrespected, kept in line... [hsad]

We had a wonderful relationship until he broke it, I felt so lucky to have him...funny, charming, ridiculously gorgeous. I cant let myself fall apart wondering where he is, who he's with anymore. Its soul destroying. being alone will be better than this fake sham of a relationship.

Jinx, you got the baby to sleep, had a takeaway and DVD night with your kids and put them to bed. It sounds like you are (for much of the time) still an ace single mum. His treatment of you has robbed you of your confidence and self respect. His presence is what is causing your negative feelings about yourself. Get rid of Him and you will be back to your old self in no time.

Far from you being lucky to have him, he was the one who was lucky to have you. Now you know this and I am so sorry for you because I know how bad it hurts when that light comes on. But you are strong and clever. You were a single mum before and excelled at it. You will again.

Good Luck.

Dione is right. You sound like a great single mum. And more than that you sound like you were happy then. Not now. He must have been putting in an act until he had you trapped with his baby. Well you are not trapped. You can be free of Mr man-boy and his many entitlements any time you like.

Thanks msboogie and dione, your comments made me smile. yes i was a good single mum, no contact at all from older dc's dad, he left when dd1 was 2 and I was pregnant with ds, never to be seen again. Guess It's just hard for me to admit defeat with dp, we had such amazing times and I so wanted to enjoy new baby with him as part of a couple, never really had that with older dc's and their dad (see above lol) it's not that I won't cope alone I know I'll be just fine or that I'm afraid to be alone I just...I wanted this to work so badly I was willing to do anything to maintain it even put up with him staying in touch with the girl he met. It's breaking my heart to say I don't think I can do it anymore.

jinx I am so, so sorry to hear all that's happened to you :(.Please don't apologize for reacting the way you do, you were in love with him, trusted him, it was him who betrayed you, and keeps doing it. I can't even fathom what you are going through, and what an awful person he is for putting you through this, when he knows you have had very hard times with men in the past. It seems impossible now, but things will eventually get better. Please be strong and don't despair, you are in the right, your children love you unconditionally, you did nothing wrong. You will get through this, you know you will. And one day, you will meet a man who deserves you, someone you can really trust.

Sorry I can't do more, it makes me so sad to hear stories like yours. I could go and kick your (D)P in the nuts right now, I am so bloody angry at him, even though I don't even know him.

I am sending you a big virtual hug, and get loads of real ones from your kids. Tell your family about this, don't keep it all to yourself. Tell HIS family about this, so they see him for who he is. Ask for help, call your friends. The sooner you take control, the sooner the nightmare will end.

Best of luck, please keep writing.

He's not the man I fell in love with, I don't know if that man ever really existed and it's causing me to question all my happy memories with him. I know no one in either of our families would blame me for leaving. A friend told me I'm still thinking with my heart at the moment but when I start thinking with my head I'll do what I know has to be done. She was right, now I just need to get my brain in gear.

So sorry to hear what has happened to you Jinx, he is most definately an arse. You know in your head what you have to do, you just need your heart to catch up. You are at the start of a very long journey but you sound like an amazing mum and you know you have to put those dc's first. If you stay with this man, they are going to see you upset and unhappy for a long time to come. I had to make the same decision about my (cheating) exp and it took me a long time to recover. I also worried about how I would manage financially etc, but do you know what, there is so much help available out there, you will probably be financially better off without him. You haven't said how old the new baby is? You said you used to run a playgroup, sounds an ideal job to get back into when you are ready. Thinking of you.

Thanks so much pink, so sorry to hear you've been thru this too but I think my head is finally catching up. I text him to say I thought he'd be in touch to see how baby is and he said he had text me. Funny, I didn't get it. Then he says he's decided to take the day off and stay at his mates and that was it for me. Don't know quite what it was but suddenly I was done. Might be the fact I've been up half night with baby coughing (she has a virus) and I couldve used a break if he was having day off but he's choosing to spend it elsewhere. So I told him exactly what I think this mate and his gigs are - a cover for him spending the night with this 18 year old he's been in touch with. He didn't deny it he just said it's no concern of mine where he is. I think he just made my mind up for me. I'm crying as I type. I am so tired of being strong. I made the first step but I don't know where I go from here.

Jinx1. I have just caught up with this thread and I am so sorry you're going through this.

I wanted to echo someone else who talked about the shock you're feeling. When my husband left me for a friend (left me in a house without a back door, a baby of 1 and an older child of 4, left me with no money and no nappies) I just couldn't believe it. Just could not believe that this man I had loved so very very much could just up and leave and be having sex with one of my friends.

I can remember just sort of wandering around, I'm ashamed to tell you that I literally begged him, on my knees not to leave me, and to please explain what was happening.

ugh - horrible memories.

Anyway, I too thought he was perfect, but once the shock had worn off, so did the rose tinted specs. I remembered lots of selfish shit he'd done, lots of times I'd had to go without money, lots of times I had despaired.

He came crawling back 3 months after leaving me. Just as I had got myself back on my feet funnily enough; and we got back together.

But it was broken. And we only lasted 6 months.

You will be ok you know? You will be better than ok, you will be great without this horrible horrible worry and pain following you around.

Fuck him off out of it, and do it soon before he wears your self esteem down any furter and before all of this starts affecting your children's view of relationships.

Good luck.

Oh god that's awful Shirley, yes I too can think of many shit little things he's done but I've brushed them under the carpet because in the grand scheme of things they seemed trivial. Now I see they were a warning of things to come. Funny what you said about kids view on relationships... He thinks this isn't affecting them as we never bring it up infront of them but last night as he was leaving my ds asked him why he was going out when he only just got in, didn't he want to spend time with us... Needless to say he left anyway. and my son just looked at me and asked the same question. And I defended him!!! I've spent the last god knows how long defending him. What the fuck!!!

It will be affecting the children I'm afraid.

You are going to have to be brave, but hey! You've been here before haven't you? And you were ok, and you say you were happy and self confident as a single mum?

We're all holding your hand, waiting for you to take the plunge and get rid of this loser once and for all.

I'm so sorry jinx but I am glad that you are nearing the end of yuor patience with him. I am also glad that you are such a brilliant mum because you already know you will cope just fine without him. Honestly, I think you are a better mum without him because your children won't have to see you so miserable and have to ask you questions like that aver again.

He is doing what he did last time - spending time with her.When he has had his fun he will be back again. You need to be ready for him this time. No bullshit "things will be different" talks, no excuses, no crap. Tell him he has made his choice and he can go and live with his 18 year old tramp.

If you stick to this he will then up the anti and turn on the tears and the begging (little miss 18 isn't going to do his laundry and cook his food is she?)

Please put his stuff outside the door in bin bags and change the locks. Please stop letting him do your head in and upset your children. They see so much more than you realise.

It is totally, totally understandable that you reached for a chance of happiness for you and your kids with a decent man. It hasn't worked out. He was not a decent man. You are not to be blamed for that. The only thing that you can do wrong is to prolong the situation whan you know it is not going to get better.

be strong xx

Jinx1

"And baby is ill. when I tackled him on priorities and that I've been with a poorly baby all day plus occupying dc's he says he works hard and deserves a night out, like I do nothing. running the house, caring for older dc's and baby, worrying about money, paying all the bills, shopping, cleaning, cooking, washing..."

What a nice man he is.

Do you know I used to be a single mum. I went out, had loads of friends and DD was totally happy. Then I met the most abusive, violent and controlling man ever, the biggest mistake of my life.

He didn't start like that, he started all sweetness and light. Treats, holidays, meals, gifts, DD utterly adored him once I introduced her to him, I adored him and felt so complete. I felt lucky and rescued which was all part of his plan.

A year or so later, he failed to come home one night. And when he came home the next day, he stank of perfume. That was the start of the end but it took a long time for me to see him for what he really was.

Eventually I had enough and left. DD and I ended up in a hostel until we were housed. I spent the next 5+ years rebuilding myself and my daughter. I worked hard, paid my own rent, bills, had a car, gave DD as much as I could.

YOU can do the same. You can rebuild your life without this man. He actually isn't worthy of you.

Remember that. You are strong and you will survive without him.

(BTW I am now blissfully happy and married to a wonderful man, with a gorgeous DS anDD is now safe and happy too)

If I look back on this relationship I can see he was eroding it bit by bit, staying out later and later even when i was pregnant and hormonal and just needed him here, if I asked how late he'd be, he'd stay out the night just to 'teach me a lesson' that he wouldn't be 'controlled'. It didn't used to be like that, the kids thought the world of him, he had so much time for them as they'd never had a dad in their life and he wanted to be it. Lately he's done very little with them. And I just felt so...loved. Yes I was happy single mum, I went out when I could afford to, didnt get into any serious rationships cos none of them seemed special enough to fill the space in not just
my life but the kids too. He came along and we just all fit so perfectly together. Like hammer said I felt complete too. I know he'll try and talk me round and I'm likely to get sucked in again so I know I need strength to carry this through. Gonna go treat kids to mcdonalds now and get my head straight. It's good to know you are all holding my hand. I think I'll need it especially when he comes home. Thanks x x x

up until you got pregnant he knew you could just chuck him - once you were pregnant and had the baby he thought you were trapped and he could start being himself and doing what he wanted.

I am sorry jinx.

I hope you have a nice day with the kids and that it goes ok later. If I were you I would leave his stuff outside the door and not even open it. Is there anyone that could come round and be with you for morla support when he comes back?