Partner doesn't like baby

[ipukepoodles]

Hi,
I've come here as a last resort as i really don't know what to do anymore!
I have a 5 week old boy who i love to bits and actually think is really well behaved for a baby, however, my partner thinks differently. Whenever he cries he calls him a 'whinging bastard' and won't pick him up, he says he feels like he isn't a dad and says he resents him as we argue quite a bit now. Thing is, when i was pregnant he was pretty good (okay so not the most enthuastic person about it but towards the end he was) He's not a bad person at all and been a really good boy friend but suddenly he's changed. If our baby is crying and there's something he wants to watch on tv he wants to put him in the other room and 'let him cry it out' iv'e tried explaining that he's too young to be left but he won't have any of it so i have to go and sit in the other room too.
Is any of this normal? What can i do to try and get him to form a relationship with his son? I'm really trying but not getting anywhere and then i end up cross and upset and say things like you dont do anything, your shit. But i know this is only going to make things worse but i'm desperate! :(

I had a long labour and know that he actually found the labour really hard and nearly fainted - could he resent him because he just remembers the labour? Also he spent 6 days in neonatal unit. This baby wasn't planned but it was him that convinced me to keep him (not that i regret it at all!) He expects me to do all the cleaning of the flat whilst he is at work too and argues with me if it's not tidy enough! He's actually a really great guy (although i've painted this picture of him, he is loving towards me and other than this we rarely argue!) but i'm at my wits end now!

Well done. So glad you've had a productive talk with him, I'm sure there will be many more along the road! Completely agree that for many (including both me and my dp) feeling that rush of love for the baby doesn't happen and instead it builds gradually - so do reassure him that this is completely normal and in itself doesn't make him a shit dad at all.

Been thinking about you a lot and all the 'get rid of him' posts. Yes, this behaviour could be a 'red flag' for domestic violence. It could also be a young man overwhelmed and anxious and exhausted and not handling it at all well. We just don't know and can't tell. I worry when name-calling, swearing and complaining about the flat are essentially treated as being 'the same' as systematic domestic violence. Yes these behaviours are unacceptable. Yes, they are on the same spectrum. But to treat them as being 'the same thing' isn't right and demeans the experiences of violence many women are suffering.

I also worry about the 'blame the victim' attitude in some of these posts - 'don't let him get away with that', or worse 'my husband would never behave like that and I wouldn't let him'. The OP is not responsible for her partner's behaviour and reactions, it's not her fault. On the other hand mrsdeVere's post made a lot of sense to me; the importance of standing your ground and being strong in the face of inadequate support and wrong behaviour, without feeling responsible for that behaviour. It sounds like this is what you did last night OP.

Please do talk to other people in RL to get support too. I was also worried by the post saying 'if your HV knew she'd call a social worker' that it might put you off talking to your HV or someone else who could offer support to you both. If I'd told my HV that my dp was swearing, complaining, not being helpful, and believed in letting the baby cry to settle, there's no way she would have called social services on that basis!

sorry to say but your partner has issues and they need to be addressed and sorted - otherwise your p's behaviour isn't going to change and could be worse.

Without know your p or what is going on in his head there is no way we can say why your p is jealous and selfish.. which is the behaviour he is showing.

A whole host of reasons maybe making your p behave as he is - or just a couple of things.

The baby may have come as a shock and taken his place in your effections, he is terrified of the responsability that has come along and has to feed and cloth you both.

Therefore getting the baby away from him is ideal out of sight and out of mind

But this is guessing

What is wrong is that your p is not addressing his problem - and he needs to quick sharpe as he is the adult here

if SS got involved in every home where dads swore at crying babies and were generally unhelpful and unsupportive there'd need to be about 2 million social workers!

this type of situation is one of the reasons for having health visitors in the first place (not the swearing but the strggling to adapt).

If the OP's partner was such a bad guy he wouldn't keep going on about worrying about not being a good dad and about not feeling how he is supposed to. He wouldn't care!

I don't agree that swearing at a crying baby is in the realms of normal behaviour - I think it is crisis behaviour and it needs to be addressed.

I don't think it is helpful for any lurkers out there with partners who are swearing at the babies for people to saying that this is what a lot of mothers and fathers do when they are tired. It is not.

Poodles - how impressively handled!! Keep the lines of communication open. Get some help from friends, family or HV. Everyone understands - well anyone who has had kids - and people liked to be asked for advice and for their help.

My husband is a great dad and he has never bonded with our babies until they are a few months old. He was a bit worried with our first as he thought there might be something wrong with him - NOT that he told me this until much later. You are one step ahead - you've both discussed your fears and are facing them together. Good on both of you and very good luck.

I read a thread on here recently with a mother feeling very similar things to what your partner is now expressing. Everyone told her not to blame herself but to get help ASAP. Especially if this behaviour is unusal for your partner he needs help as soon as he can get it. If this is part of a longer term pattern, he still needs help, but may take longer to respond to it.

In the meantime you need to make sure that you don't leave him alone with your child until he has moved forward somewhat (the same advice would be given with regard to a mother) And you need to take care to make sure that you get proper support, you may need to be away from him while he deals with this so as not to damage your relationship with your son.

Well done for reaching out for support here, sorry you've had so many people shocked into unhelpful responses.

Thank you for lots of helpful messages. To those who think that it is domestic violence: If i thought i, or my son was in any way at risk, i'd leave instantly. I know what domestic violence is, and despite loving him, i'd leave. Yes his behaviour is unacceptable but i have never seen him violent, ever.

In relation to 'calling social services's'...my dad is a social worker in children and families, believe me, they would do nothing for a parter swearing at a child.

I'm going to speak to him again tonight about us both getting help. I thought we were both pretty stable but apparently not.

I don't understand why she shouldn't leave the baby alone with him!! just because he got frustrated and swore?? unless I have missed some damning indictment further down the thread there is no reason at all to think he can't be trusted with the baby and it would be very detrimental to all of them to give him the impression that the OP thinks he is a risk to the baby.

The guy does look after the baby the best he can at the moment, he just needs to learn, he has simply not bonded yet and reacts badly (admittedly very badly) to the crying. But he knows there is a problem and wants to be a good dad. This does not mean the baby is going to go flying out the window.

OP, it's a great idea to talk to your dad. Does he get on well with your DH?

I have left him with the baby, once to go out with friends - his idea that i go out and let my hair down after 9 months, so i did, i came home and he had looked after him well, however he couldnt stand the crying and put him in his basket in the living room whilst he slept in our bedroom, i was furious and made it very clear this was never to happen again. Since then, i haven't been out much but, when i'm cross i go for a short walk to clear my head (around 20 mins or so) i did it last night because i was upset, i came back and he was on the floor again with the baby soothing him as he was crying. Yes i'm reluctant to leave him with the baby so i don't much, but surely leaving him for 20 mins with him and he hadn't put him in the other room or left him to cry is a slight improvement.

I know many of you reading this will see it as a standard thing he SHOULD do and not something to write home about but considering how he has been, for us, it's an improvement, and one i'm happy with. I won't be leaving him for long periods of time with the baby until he is more at ease with the baby but often i will potter around the flat doing various things and the baby will be left with him, i'm hoping that in time he will bond with him as i won't be there to pick him up, it'll be down to him, but i'll still be here incase he does need a bit of help. Don't get me wrong, i'm no expert with babies, but i can deal with the crying and it doesn't affect me anything like it does to him.

I am really glad things have improved, keep the lines of communication up and you will be fine. It DOES get easier, babies change so much over a short space of time and soon you will have a proper little person in your lives, which I imagine your DP will find far easier. You are handling this so well especially under the circumstances!

Thank you, i really don't feel like i'm handeling it well! I can't eat, sleep or do much without thinking about it! But i don't want to make things worse than they already are so i'm trying to think rationally about it and not just dive in and say your a just dad, do something about it (which i must admit, i have done previously and it has hurt him)

Yeah i think things will be different when he's a bit older, just last night he was sking me what age can he crawl and walk? Which i see again as a positive thing.

not just dive in and say your a just dad, do something about it

I ment: not just dive in and say your a shit dad, do something about it

I'll add my voice to ginger, sounds like you're handling this really well under the circumstances, finding ways to talk about it constructively. Of course you're worrying about it - but you're thinking constructively about it too, reaching out for advice and support, weighing it all up carefully and working out what to do next. Good on you, I was nowhere near this in control with a 5 week old!

Thank you so much! I don't think i'm handeling it well, I do loose control sometimes, most days i shout and cry and cry and it lasts for an hour or so but can happen more than once a day and want to give up, just find it so hard sometimes! Today i have managed to tidy the living room and the kicthen, hoover the whole flat and wash the kitchen, toilet and bathroom floor, need to keep busy! He's home in a bit so hopefully we can talk some more :)

ipukepoodles - so pleased that things seem to be improving. Well done for having a chat with him - keep talking and it will really help you both come through things to come.

this is good!!

The other thing to remember is that babies are like sponges for emotions. If you are annoyed and upset at their crying they will pick up on it and cry even more!

So it would help the situation if DP could learn to be calm and soothing when baby cries.

I'll tell you why you are doing well - you gave birth 5 weeks ago, your body is awash with hormones, your perspective is totally changed on everything and you have a totally dependent tiny person who you live and breathe. Alongside that your DP is having trouble coping which is very distressing for you. To manage to have a calm, constructive conversation with your DP when you are under such pressure is testament to your good character! :)

You know, this is a wee bit familiar to me and I've been pretty at the posts that scream domestic abuse...

Anyway.

When we brought our daughter home I would say we both struggled but my husband in particular. It was somewhere between being scared of fucking up and resenting the constant screaming (colic again!)and our old lives having disappeared in an instant (we were only married 3 days when I got pregnant so it was all much quicker than we had anticipated).

He would never shout at her but would say things in a stern tone around her and it made me feel sick to my stomach. I've never felt so protective of anyone before in my life.

We basically had a big talk where he said he was avoiding spending time with her because he thought he was crap at it, and I told him the only way to get better was to get on with it.

Since then he has bathed and fed her every night and put her to bed, and is now totally comfortable (and LOVES) having her to himself for the day when he is off work.

He now loves her more than anything, it just takes a period of adjusting, and rolling up your sleeves and getting on with things, and realising it's not about how your partner feels any more, it's about putting those feelings aside for the baby's sake.

Hope it all gets better, sounds like he is on the right track from your last post.

If i were you, i would leave him. He sounds like a horrible prick!

I'm just going to give you my honest opinion, having just read through all the posts.

While it's a very good thing that you are able to talk somewhat honestly with your DP, please don't be lulled into a false sense of security here. If you were to go out again for a few hours, leaving your DS alone with your DP and he was to cry nonstop, from what you've said, I wouldn't be at all confident that he could cope. And if that proved to be the case, at best you have a child who won't be attended to for several hours, at worst....well....it only takes one moment, doesn't it?

I'm sorry to even have to say it, but you've obviously posted here because you want advice, and mine is to not leave your baby alone with your DP while there is any doubt about how he would handle him.

Just don't ever leave him alone with the child. Men like this can flip in an instant

What, men who sometimes snap at their partner in a very stressful situation can flip in an instant? Have you never said anything you have not really meant when under pressure then Ripeberry?

Can we not give anyone a break then? Sometimes people act in extreme ways when under pressure. There are a range of emotions between fabulously happy and violent.

Just wish sometimes we could give people a break on this forum.

oh for God's sake!

Anyone can flip in an instant!

stop the silly scaremongering people, the bloke swore and left the baby crying on its own once. Ok if this was repeated regularly then yes it would be very, very bad but he is trying (and occasionally failing) to adjust.

I think leaving a newborn on their own crying and going to bed is pretty unforgiveable to be honest although I don't think he sounds like a monster. And poodles sounds pretty aware so I'm not worried about the baby but I am worried about her.

Hmm my dad used to leave me to cry it out from 6 weeks, turned up the record player to drown out the crying. He also "accidently" split my lip when I was 18 months old putting me in my cot. He tripped my cousin over by putting his foot out when she toddled past him and kick my sister up the bum so that she left the ground, around the age of two.

At the moment he is just neglectful and not meeting your babies needs, don't wait around for the rest OP, my mum got battered when she announced she was leaving but considered every thump to be worth it to be free, she wasted 5 years of her life.