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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner doesn't like baby

228 replies

ipukepoodles · 29/09/2010 13:09

Hi,
I've come here as a last resort as i really don't know what to do anymore!
I have a 5 week old boy who i love to bits and actually think is really well behaved for a baby, however, my partner thinks differently. Whenever he cries he calls him a 'whinging bastard' and won't pick him up, he says he feels like he isn't a dad and says he resents him as we argue quite a bit now. Thing is, when i was pregnant he was pretty good (okay so not the most enthuastic person about it but towards the end he was) He's not a bad person at all and been a really good boy friend but suddenly he's changed. If our baby is crying and there's something he wants to watch on tv he wants to put him in the other room and 'let him cry it out' iv'e tried explaining that he's too young to be left but he won't have any of it so i have to go and sit in the other room too.
Is any of this normal? What can i do to try and get him to form a relationship with his son? I'm really trying but not getting anywhere and then i end up cross and upset and say things like you dont do anything, your shit. But i know this is only going to make things worse but i'm desperate! :(

I had a long labour and know that he actually found the labour really hard and nearly fainted - could he resent him because he just remembers the labour? Also he spent 6 days in neonatal unit. This baby wasn't planned but it was him that convinced me to keep him (not that i regret it at all!) He expects me to do all the cleaning of the flat whilst he is at work too and argues with me if it's not tidy enough! He's actually a really great guy (although i've painted this picture of him, he is loving towards me and other than this we rarely argue!) but i'm at my wits end now!

OP posts:
PussyfootingAround · 30/09/2010 19:28

I haven't had time to read all the messages OP, but just wanted to say that my DH found the crying absolutely unbearable with DD (our second baby) and didn't deal with it well. We already had DS1 (who was 1 1/2 at the time). He would be really intolerant, hand her back to me, get me to sort her out, rarely took the initiative to calm her down etc. However with DS1 and DS2 he was much calmer and more tolerant.

To this day he can't explain why or what it was that he was incapable of dealing with, just that he couldn't cope with her when she cried. Just as well I could Hmm.

Anyway now they're all much older (DS1 is 10) and he does lots of active outdoorsy things with them all - he was fairly crap when they were tiny though and I did do pretty much everything. As someone said, for some people newborn babies are quite boring and don't 'do' much - I know that my DH found it difficult to engage with them at that age and just accepted that in time he'd pay a more active, productive role. Just as well he now does Smile. After all, you get out what you put in (I get more cuddles Wink)

slhilly · 30/09/2010 19:31

poodles, fantastic that you've spoken about it. next step is to praise each other. loads of praise and thanks, for the smallest things. you want a positive cycle where you compete to make each other feel better, to replace the negative cycle you've had. Go go!

you're doing a phenomenal job and the fact that you're crying does not detract from that one iota. you have so much to be proud of! eg cleaning -- under your circs!! lots of us didn't manage to clean for the first entire year!! congrats on all your achievements.

skidoodly · 30/09/2010 19:44

Not being terribly enamoured of a newborn baby is pretty common and it passes as they grow and get more interesting.

Calling your partner a lazy bastard, shouting at them for not keeping the house clean enough and changing into a bully when they are vulnerable postnatally is also very normal. For abusive, controlling men.

Maybe the second half of the messages are better than the first, but I'm really disappointed that this man's appalling treatment of the op is being ignored.

OP that he expects you to skivvy after him when you have a newborn (crucially your first) says that he is not a great guy.

Not just that he is a twat, but that he is dangerous.

gingerkirsty · 30/09/2010 19:44

Great post slhilly

mamatomany · 30/09/2010 19:49

next step is to praise each other. loads of praise and thanks, for the smallest things
She's not potty training a toddler, I despair.

FoxyRevenger · 30/09/2010 19:50

gingerkirsty I second that Smile

And skidoodly nothing is being ignored, in fact lots of advice regarding his treatment of her had been given, if it doesn't count because the advice wasn't to leave him well, sorry.

mamatomany · 30/09/2010 19:52

OP why don't you ask your social worker father what he thinks of the way this man is treating his daughter and grandson ? If you can't see the wood from the trees and that's understandable right now maybe some outside opinions from somebody who actually knows you both would be helpful ?

grapeandlemon · 30/09/2010 19:55

not being enamoured by a newborn may be somewhat common but calling the baby a "whinging bastard" I would say is highly unusual. At least I really hope so Sad

skidoodly · 30/09/2010 20:01

Are you still accepting your role as his domestic slave?

You know that his sense if entitlement to your domestic labour is extremely ugly, right?

Believing that it is your job to be his skivvy at this time is not anything to do with snapping or stress. It is to do with a belief that you are less important than him. Other examples of this belief include making you leave the room so that he can watch tv. That is not heat of thd moment stuff. That is cold, controlling, abusive behaviour.

I agree you should run this past your Dad.

slhilly · 30/09/2010 20:44

mamatomany, stop being so angry and re-read what I wrote. "praise each other" not praise him. I was encouraging the development of mutual support.

you have previously described your own situation. frankly, I think you are now trying to force-fit poodle's situation to yours and it is not helpful -- you explicitly draw a parallel between your dad drowning out his baby's crying and poodle's OH doing the same, and imply that the inevitable end result is a batterer. the one does not always lead to the other. we need to listen and respond to what poodle is actually saying. I am trying to do just that, and I promise you, I have Keyne's quote in mind: if the facts change, I'll change my mind and what I say.

BrightLightBrightLight · 30/09/2010 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spikeycow · 30/09/2010 21:03

Nothing silly about warning of abuse. These men can never cope with anything, they're a fucking liability. Who has time to pussyfoot around a grown man with a newborn to look after? It's bollocks. And these "men" can flip in an instant because they aren't mature enough to accept the fact that life doesn't revolve around them. I don't know why people are denying this, it's like 2 separate threads.

witlesssarah · 30/09/2010 21:09

which men would 'these men' be spikeycow? All of them? Why are women allowed to struggle with bonding, be tired etc, but men not? OP loves her partner, he has been unpleasant but not abusive, and this is new. She wants to help him become the dad she hopes he can be.

mamatomany · 30/09/2010 21:13

slhilly - I have no memory of my "situation", what I do have is the years following where the man did not improve and he has been a danger to other children left by their parents in his care, his step grandchildren, mine would never be left alone with him just in case.

The whole point of a baby's cry is that it is supposed to drive you up the wall and distress you as the parent so that you deal with the problem that is making the baby cry. I do not care what anyone says, it's very hard to hear an upset newborn and do anything but comfort it, a man that can leave a tiny baby to cry it out has issues. If the mother was doing that everyone would be suggesting she has PND and rightly so.

spikeycow · 30/09/2010 21:14

A man can struggle if he's doing his fair share of the work. Most of these men don't help out, then whinge about stress and become a liability. And being unpleasant is part of emotional abuse. Which can then escalate. If you know anything about abuse you'll know it often crops up when his royal highness is no longer the centre of attention.

slhilly · 30/09/2010 21:17

mamatomany, I didn't say you had a memory, I said you were reading across from one situation to the other.

I don't understand your point about PND. No-one is denying the man has issues; they are questioning whether it is a sign of abuse or a sign of PND.

spikeycow · 30/09/2010 21:19

And I'm also questioning whether the OP has time and emotional energy for all this right now. I hope he's worth it.

skidoodly · 30/09/2010 21:19

Shouting abuse at her for not doing enough housework is "not knowing how to help her"?

The only way that is related to the baby's arrival is that now she's home all the time and vulnerable he thinks he can treat her as chattel and she'll have to put up with it.

Apparently some mners agree.

Poor men. They get so tiiiiired and stressed out sleeping all night and watching their woman do all the work. Of course let's not forget the hours they put in keeping the useless bitch in line.

skidoodly · 30/09/2010 21:26

So you guys all swear at your husbands if they don't keep the house to your standards?

Interesting. I've always thought that was a shitty way to treat a human being. I had no idea that it was ok to treat your partner like staff.

Although if you did treat staff that way you could find yourself in a lot of trouble. Unless you chose someone nice and vulnerable, maybe without working papers.

mamatomany · 30/09/2010 21:28

Well yes I am reading across and I stand by that on the basis of my experience, my own mother has said over and over the signs were there but she went on to have another child and that delayed the escape but she wanted to believe it would all be ok. 35 years later the man still isn't ok, cannot bear to be around crying babies and if only that was the worst of it.
None of us are in the OP's house, which is why I suggested as her father is the professional, he is the one to discuss this with, is that bad advice ?

slhilly · 30/09/2010 21:32

I think it's good advice, which is why I didn't take issue with it.

But I stand by what I originally said: I don't think it's helpful to read across because there's no inevitable connection between the facts as described and this man being abusive, even though there are such connections in some cases, such as happened in your family.

slhilly · 30/09/2010 21:35

poodles, I hope things went well tonight. keep us posted!

spikeycow · 30/09/2010 21:36

I think he sounds like he could turn. And I still want to know how he treated the cats when he hated them. Which is relevant, very relevant.

StayFrosty · 30/09/2010 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quattrocento · 30/09/2010 21:46

I think your boyfriend should be dumped. If you are too busy today you can leave it until tomorrow. Don't leave it any later than that. He's clearly a complete waste of space and I personally resent the fact that he is using up valuable oxygen.

If you leave the dumping of him until next week or sometime during the next five years, you will be doing both your baby and yourself a disservice.