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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another DickFace to Add to The Pile

883 replies

PfftTheMagicDragon · 26/09/2010 13:08

....Of men that you thought wouldnever betray you but then did it anyway!

My DH has always been loyal. To a fault. Never cheated. Was cheated on in the past by girlfriends, worshipped the ground I walked on. Good sex life, with dry patches, we had started about a year ago to spice things up, toys, bondage.

Turns out, he's been internet flirting/sexting/fucking her on MSN!!

Delightful Hmm

It started 6 days ago. I have seen his phone. And the e-mails and a picture that they exchanged.

And now I am just like all the others. I did ask him how it felt - To be just like all the other cheating dickwads that I read about on here. If it was worth it, if he was thinking about what every other weekend would feel like when he was telling her how much he likes her wet pussy.

Super. Confused

I'm angry, can't you tell?

OP posts:
YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 03/10/2010 19:21

:o at BA and AF being off somewhere "arguing" Wink

Love the acceptance speech.

Tippychoocks · 03/10/2010 19:46

Grin. get the thread laminated Pfft [grin

I think you have made a very brave and good decision fwiw.

Right, am decorating the twat blinkers for the next spat. Christmassy tinsel ones I feel. I'll make a pair for AF when she gets back from her dirty weekend with BA

AnyFucker · 03/10/2010 20:29

"....and I would like to thank the Academy for voting for me..." Grin

Hi, Pfft, I am back from dirty weekend away with Barmy

I have had a catch-up on your thread. Some brilliant stuff < tips hat at skidoodly for stand-out post >

You can pat yourself on the back, pfft, for getting to the point of clarity that you have. I really believe all the advice (conflicting but only because they came from a different angle, IYSWIM) you have got have assisted you to get here.

Your "manifesto" (as it were) sounds spot-on. This thread will have helped you with that.

Like many posters have said, they wish thy had MN when they were going throught their own personal nightmare.

I have never been through what you, and some of the other cntributors have, but I would hope to have the same level of self-belief and dignity.

I sincerely wish you both all the best for the future x

AnyFucker · 03/10/2010 20:30

shit spelling, sorry

I am shoulder deep in washing Shock

Original poster
PfftTheMagicDragon · 03/10/2010 20:46

yeah, AF - dirtywashing? Grin

Thanks for your support on this thread.

Tippy - I will put googly eyes on the side of mine so it looks like I am paying attention.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/10/2010 20:52

yes, I have a lot of socks to wash Wink

Original poster
PfftTheMagicDragon · 03/10/2010 21:00

haha!

OP posts:
Tippychoocks · 03/10/2010 21:23

Ick to socks. Cruncy socks.
Keep us posted Pfft Smile

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/10/2010 01:18

It's good to read all of this Pfft. I have a feeling that you will have a much stronger marriage for all of this - and a better sense of who you are as a person. You have been incredibly strong throughout and amongst the many qualities I have admired in you this past week, your sense of humour never once desterted you. Smile

I wish you both well Pfft and hope you will feel able to update as and when you'd like to.

RespectTheDoughnut · 04/10/2010 09:06

Pfft - I'm so happy for you that you feel able to have made this decision - it's what I was secretly hoping would happen :) I really do wish you & your DH the best for the future - it sounds like you're in as good a position as you can be at this point, & I'm very hopeful for you. You've been so strong throughout. You deserve happiness :) x

RespectTheDoughnut · 04/10/2010 09:07

(I'm ignoring the whole crunchy socks thing. Yuck.)

Original poster
PfftTheMagicDragon · 04/10/2010 09:42

Thank you, crunchy and wwifn

I feel much better today. I put my wedding ring back on - if we are going to try to work things out then he is not the only one who has to make some effort.
He has been completely different this last week. I know that there is a reason for this and desperately hope that he can keep it up.

Fingers crossed for us!

OP posts:
loves2walk · 04/10/2010 10:23

Well done you, pfft! What a huge amount of soul searching and analysing you have done this past week. It sounds as though you have made a very careful and well thought out decision that you feel happy with, that's a huge achievement.

I'm glad you have your weekend away coming up and hope you can identify exactly how you want to spend it and really enjoy your time off.

Good luck pfft, fingers crossed that your H steps up to the plate now and realises how lucky he is to have been given this second chance

Take care :) x

castille · 04/10/2010 10:34

Pfft, you appeared on my recent thread about my H's long affair and I have been following yours

Wow is all I can say, I wish I felt as strong now as you. Well done. And all the best to both of you, I hope it all works out because you certainly deserve it.

Original poster
PfftTheMagicDragon · 04/10/2010 11:35

wow, castille, it is good to see you here. I hope that you are feeling alright at the moment. I hope that you can reach a resolution.

Never thought we would be dealing with this sort of stuff a few years ago, eh?

OP posts:
eandh · 04/10/2010 20:30

Pfft so glad you have come to the time to make a decision and it certainly sounds as if your DH is making a huge effort and think your 'dealbreakers' are spot on.

I really do wish you both well and hope in time your marriage becomes stronger, closer and united Smile

Original poster
PfftTheMagicDragon · 05/10/2010 21:42

Thank you, E Smile

OP posts:
PfftTheMildySpookyDragon · 20/10/2010 09:29

Just thought I would update you all. It seems fitting as today is our 10 year anniversary so I am feeling quite introspective.

Things are up and down. Some days are better than others and it is looking like a massive task (I know that it is). We have a day to day ease about us, we couldn't operate otherwise.

He is going to counselling and starting to talk more. He is still remorseful and we have occasional bouts of sadness and regression to the tears of the beginning. On the whole though, I hope we are moving forwards.

He is worried that we have reached a level and that will be it - he says he is still terrified that I will decide to call it a day.

I am having trouble with touching. I don't want him to touch me. It feels wrong, that I am not ready. That allowing touch is a new level of acceptance and forgiveness that I am not ready for. Do you think that I need to allow this?

PBGirl · 20/10/2010 09:40

Hi Pfft. I'm not very up to date with your thread (it's sooo long!) but I did read it when you started it, I don't know if anything has changed since your first discovery??

Anyway, I think you are the only one who knows when you are ready to let him touch you and only then should you allow it. It's nearly two months now since my H told me about his 'text fling' and although there has been the odd occasion where I haven't wanted any touch (when I have been very angry), on the whole we have been much more physical with each other which we have both found very reassuring.

Are you acknowledging your anniversary in anyway? We had our tenth at the end of my H's affair - he says that was the day when he realised how wrong he was to be doing what he was doing.

I hope you start to feel better. I am still feeling quite low. Earlier on I was very up and very down, now I just seem to have hit a level sadness that I can't escape from. I am having fewer outbursts but less smiles too. My fear is that I will feel like this forever but I'm sure it will get better.

BitOfFunderthepatio · 20/10/2010 09:43

I think that you need to go at your own pace, Pfft, and that he has to accept that his actions have caused your reticence and he should give you some space on that front.

PfftTheMildySpookyDragon · 20/10/2010 09:49

PB - we are not big anniversary-ers usually. I haven't planned to do anything tbh, I'm not sure if he has any thoughts. He leaves for work before I get up so I haven't seen him today.

PB - I understand that low level sadness - like it's not a deep sadness, but a new level on which you worry you might be living your life. I feel more cynical, wiser, and overall a bit more sad. Like that's just how I am now. I hope it won't last, and for you as well. You are further on than me. How quickly did you start casual touching again? We have had the odd touch, but since we had a tearful talk the other day I can't do it.

BoF - It's quite tricky - I find myself getting confused. I think I know really that I have to do what feels right - sometimes it's hard to separate what you think you should do and what you want to be doing

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/10/2010 09:58

Pfft I want you to have a good old think about why you don't want touch. Some questions you might want to think about are : Is this punitive and if so, to whom? Would sex feel like a reward for unacceptable behaviour? If yes, has sex ever been used by either of us as a weapon or a bartering mechanism? Is it because my head is filled with intrusive images? Now I know about the volume porn use, has that altered the way I see him sexually? How much of my sex drive has been driven by my respect for him?

You don't have to answer these questions on here Pfft, but just make sure you aren't punishing yourself or your relationship in all this and perhaps you might need to reframe your permission-giving process again - having and enjoying sex does not equal forgiveness or "reward". Don't neglect your own needs either.

Good to see your post PBGirl I have often written on here about the initial crisis being extremely energising, with its highs and lows. However for most people, this gives way to a kind of flatness, which I have described as a "wall". This is when depression is most threatening and is the point when it's worth having some therapy yourself, to process those feelings of sadness, lethargy and disillusionment.

SallyMc54 · 20/10/2010 10:03

so sorry to hear this, i pray to god DH never does this too me.

i did warn him i'd cut his balls off if i ever found him cheating on me, the look on his face as he crossed him legs uncomfortably was funny .

but all seriousness , the trust is now gone.

PBGirl · 20/10/2010 13:23

Sally, I always said to my H that if he ever cheated there would be no second chance. I think that until you are in a situation like this you can't really be sure how you will react. My H didn't cheat physically, only by text which was bad enough. Would I be giving him another chance if he had slept with her or even kissed her? I don't know is the honest answer.

Pfft, for the first couple of days I couldn't bear to go near him. He often cried and held his arms out but he never pushed me and waited until I went to him. I think after a couple of days we hugged a lot - mostly with both of us in tears. I was very surprised that we had sex probably after just a week. There was no pressure from my H, I knew he wanted to hold me but I don't think he would have dared even suggest sex. It was very passionate and very emotional. We both cried all the way through. We had a lot of sex that week, in fact more than we would have done before the affair.

As I have said before, I know that my H betrayed me and he is the cause of all my pain (pain that I have never experienced before) but he is still my rock and still the one to provide my comfort. We are in it together now and he needs my support and reassurance as much as I need his. I know that for some that will be hard to understand but we have spent many hours talking about his affair, his insecurities, his vulnerabilities, childhood etc. I have realised that there are genuine reasons as to why he was vulnerable when an attractive (I suppose Angry ) woman through herself at him and showered him in adoration and flattery. I am not saying I excuse what he did or that he still should have known better but that I am starting to understand.

We are all different and all our situations are different, I hope you work it out. My husband said he would wait for ever for me to trust him and want him again so it probably helped that there was no pressure.

PBGirl · 20/10/2010 13:24

My spelling mistakes these days are so Blush