Another DickFace to Add to The Pile

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

....Of men that you thought wouldnever betray you but then did it anyway!

My DH has always been loyal. To a fault. Never cheated. Was cheated on in the past by girlfriends, worshipped the ground I walked on. Good sex life, with dry patches, we had started about a year ago to spice things up, toys, bondage.

Turns out, he's been internet flirting/sexting/fucking her on MSN!!

Delightful

It started 6 days ago. I have seen his phone. And the e-mails and a picture that they exchanged.

And now I am just like all the others. I did ask him how it felt - To be just like all the other cheating dickwads that I read about on here. If it was worth it, if he was thinking about what every other weekend would feel like when he was telling her how much he likes her wet pussy.

Super.

I'm angry, can't you tell?

Footlong -if you hang out on the MN relationship boards for long enough, you'll be typing up the minutes of our Men Are Shit monthly meetings.

Thanks... but I would rather brush my teeh with a bandsaw than write down the bitter misandric diatribe from some members of that club!

Yogi yogi.. know thats a repeated 'bear'....

Elephants

You forgot

• Any Other Business

I think that children as a weapon is possibly a separate thread. THere are loads of points to argue surrounding it.

With regard to my particular situation, I will say this (and only because it is an important topic, Footlong I do not appreciate the tone you have taken on my thread). And when I have said this, this is the end of the subject for me. I would contribute to another thread on the subject if you wanted to start one. But, I would ask that this is the end of subject on this thread. Because it isn't that relevant. Please.
AND my thread is getting close to capacity and I don't want to ruin the flow by starting again.

In relation to me.
My initial words were rushed and badly worded. I was emotional. I do not mean that this is my excuse for saying such things to my husband. I mean that I was emotional, so therefore I did not transcribe correctly and completely what had been said.
I would never use the children as a weapon. I hate to see this happen, to men and to women.
When I was a child, I was part of a divorce when I was used as a weapon. I know how it feels as a child and I would never do that to my own children.

Is this ok? Are we done? Footlong, really - I think that there are a lot of things to talk about relating to this subject, but here is not the place to do it. I am sure that you will have a great response on your own thread.

Can you PLEASE go elsewhere.

No. I will comment on this thread if I feel I have something relevant to say. You had a chance to leave me out of the thread as I decided not to comment even thoguh I had things to say, but after page after page of bitching about me (and me ignoring it), you actually endorsed it....

And before you accuse me of something sinister, it is not, it is just a consequence of you acting towards me like you have, that I am choosing not to bite my tongue. But I will only post if I have something to say I believe is relevant.

As for your comments re you telling your husband another man would raise them, as stated previously, I have no interest in discussing it further on this thread unless someone else chooses to.

I'm not getting into a bunfight with you.

If you have something relevant to add, then by all means post away. I am asking that you take this argument about child weapons and start another thread elsewhere.

You brought the bitching onto yourself.

Pfft, I am sorry to hear about having to experience your parent's divorce as a child. They made their choices and you will make yours. No-one one doubts you love your children with your whole heart and will always do your best for them. At the same time - children are smart, and if you are unhappy they will pick up on it and be affected by it. Making yourself happy is also for their benefit.

Please don't feel like you need to apologise for your emotions. They are real and you have to be honest in expressing how you feel to us, to your H and most importantly to yourself. Fuck politeness. You are figuring out how you feel and there is no right answer.

Maybe we should start a thread on why only people who have actually gone through betrayal in a committed relationship understand what it's like and how to deal with it. But ignore fuckwits and hope you have a great Sunday. :)

Pfft, we're gonna need bigger blinkers

I think that calling some posters "man-haters" is perhaps accidently accurate - most of us do hate one man, usually the one who put us through something similar to Pfft's situation. I tolerate my Ex, hate what he did but am gloriously open-minded when it comes to the rest of the men in the world .

I could never be accurately described as a man-hater but I am a fully paid-up infidelity-hater, untruthfulness-hater and insensitive posters bangingon-hater.

blah! typed a great post and my pooter lost it!

Morning pfft, I've been up since 5am despite littlemad having a sleepover at his aunties - grim!

Anyway I wanted to say that I know a couple who've just celebrated their 40 wedding anniversary.

This was despite him having an affair which resulted in him moving out for around a year and living separately - seeing his daughters at weekends.

Eventually the couple decided they were ready to make it work and they did, they worked together to rebuild their marriage. It took a long time, but given that they then got to 40 years and are stronger than ever, it worked for them. It can be done, it just has to be fair.

You're a very strong lady, you are clearly wise and thoughful. You will be fine.

Also, I really want to second the comments about shame on anyone with the nerve to beleive they have the right to behave as a moral compass for anyone else. Especially someone wo is trying to save their marriage.

Morning pfft, I second everything tippy says :)

Pfft you are showing such dignity and strength, don't let the buggers get you down.

Thanks, guys

I have told him that we can try to work things out.

This is not forgiveness.

I have told him that he will have to work bloody hard to make things better again. That I don't expect him to be perfect, but some things are deal breakers

-No porn.
-No instant messaging.
-No FB.
-No snazzy phones with email and IM on.
-Complete transparency on things - as well as things that might seem unrelated.
-No contact that is inappropriate. We have discussed the intricacies of this.

There are other issues that we have addressed.

-He is to see the counsellor regularly. He is to have the foresight to see if she is not the right one for him.
-He is to stop taking me for granted.
-He is to spend more time with the children.
-He is to drastically reduce the amount of time he spends on the internet.
-He is to pull his weight around the house, and I am not to have to guide this. He is to see what needs doing and get into the routine of getting things done.
-He is not to try and stay over with flirty friend again.
-I am never again to have to hear the words "in a minute/I was just about to do it"
-He is to be on my side in issues with his parents.
-He is to listen to me and value my opinion.

He has agreed to this, and we talked it all over together. It sounds quite dictatorial, but I don't feel that it came about in that way. I have also probably missed something when writing it down.

Hopefully, over the next year or so, he will prove to me through his actions that he can be the husband that I wanted and deserve to have. If he does, then maybe I can trust him again. At some point, hopefully, forgiveness will come.

I have made it clear that this is not the finishing line.

I feel happy with my decision. I know that some of you will think that this is too soon,. The timframe for all of this had been very short. But this is right for me. I have never been a procrastinator. I am used to collecting information, assessing it and making a decision. I have never regretted this before.

You have all (nearly all ) been so AMAZING on this thread. Really, I actually, seriously think that I could not have got to this stage if it were not for you lot. I know that this is only really the beginning and would like to hear your thoughts.

It is only the beginning but I'm really pleased to see you've made a decision :). For what it's worth, I think your doing the right thing.

Now you've laid down what you need it's time to start looking at actions. Don't expect perfection, don't be unrealistic, but do be firm with the boundaries that you see as important.

I wish you all the luck in the world with this. It sounds like you both want to make it work. If you can find a therapist like countingto10 had, then it might be worth exploring some couple's therapy at some point.

Ive got my fingers crossed for you :)

Thank you, crunchy

I feel that my decision has been made mostly on his behaviour and actions over the last week but he is very aware that this is not a short term thing - that he has to keep it up.

I hope it works out, for all of us.

That is encouraging news.

It sounds like you're resolved and that's the important thing.

You're a cse study in how to cope and I hope I can learn to show the grace you have deomnstrated.

Offer stands as well, we do a lovely line in roast chicken and crisp white wine.

I read this whole thread through this morning and apart from the twats disruption, this has been an amazing and really inspiring read. Pfft - you have my absolute and complete admiration, you're a heck of a woman and your husband is very lucky to have you.

And there are a lot of other posters on here who have given you brilliant advice and I have even more respect for than I had before.

Good luck with it pfft, I really hope you and your husband get to the point that WWIFN mentioned earlier - that resolving this crisis takes you from happy to really happy.

Good luck, I am very pleased and hope he keeps up the momentum and proves he is willing to change. It sounds very positive.

One thing I would suggest, from someone who tried the second chance and it didn't work, is to have regular recaps - refer back to your list above and make sure nothing has been left to slide. You don't need to have board meetings about it obviously but I think I was too quick to let things slip back into bad old ways and then too quick to get resentful when they did.

I really hope things work for you and your family . Keep us posted, we love a happy ending.....

Good luck Pfft. Hope everything works out for you.

Not dictatorial in the least. You are doing you both a favour by not expecting him to read your mind. I am particularly impressed by the part about him being a self-starter around the house.

I think recovery from the state of mind that brought on this situation might be a little like a 12 step programme in a way, with him recommitting himself every single day to the relationship, living consciously as a partner, and respecting the relationship in everything he does.

I heard someone say once that forgiveness is looking at things completely differently; it's not forgetting, it's just being able to see it all through new eyes.

I wish the two of you the very best and admire your courage and strength. Your H is a lucky man.

FWIW based on all that you have said in your posts I think you have made a sound decision. The two of you have obviously got to put work in to achieving the marriage that you both want, but I hope that your self belief and the bond between the two of you can see you through the tough times, and let you thoroughly enjoy the great times.

Thank you, all of you. It is so worrying (even though you know your decision is about you) that other people will think you have made the wrong decision. Tippy, I plan to keep this thread and read again and again. I will never forget this. I hope to get H to read it as well soon, I think that it will do him good.

I have had such good advice on this thread, from everyone. And of course, WWIFN should definitely be a counsellor. No doubt.

madashcheese I have told him that I am going away next weekend anyway. I still need to get away, this has been and will continue to be an intense time for me, and I never get to be away by myself.

Thank you to everyone who has shared their stories with me, you have all been incredible. That so many people have dealt with situations like this is awful, but amazing at the same time.

Why does this feel like an Oscar acceptance speech?

MN is fucking amazing.

It all happens while AF is away.

though have you all noticed that someone else has been missing at the same time? WHat are AF and BArmy doing?

(Pfft, time for yourself every week without fail is a fantastic thing -- try to carve out what you will have for yourself from all of this as well as setting your H on a better course)

Good luck pfft, really rooting for you, you are a great woman and deserve every happiness x