Another DickFace to Add to The Pile

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

....Of men that you thought wouldnever betray you but then did it anyway!

My DH has always been loyal. To a fault. Never cheated. Was cheated on in the past by girlfriends, worshipped the ground I walked on. Good sex life, with dry patches, we had started about a year ago to spice things up, toys, bondage.

Turns out, he's been internet flirting/sexting/fucking her on MSN!!

Delightful

It started 6 days ago. I have seen his phone. And the e-mails and a picture that they exchanged.

And now I am just like all the others. I did ask him how it felt - To be just like all the other cheating dickwads that I read about on here. If it was worth it, if he was thinking about what every other weekend would feel like when he was telling her how much he likes her wet pussy.

Super.

I'm angry, can't you tell?

make that three reports - FGS.

The impudence of a woman daring to have boundaries in a relationship eh?

As a point of interest, we appear to have found MNHQ's secret 'down time'.

Hi Pfft

I really feel for you. My ex ripped my world apart and I spent a year trying to make it work before giving up. (Note to idiots: I was the husband in this scenario, and I can tell you it doesn't feel any different.)

Here are some mistakes I made, most of them already talked about by others:-

Letting her back in too soon, which she thought took her 'off the hook'

Blaming myself and what I brought to the relationship, not her for what happened

Believing I could make her change without real evidence that she wanted to

Thinking I could try to 'be nice' to her during it all. E.g. agreeing to change our counsellor 3 times because none of them would say the things she wanted (they were all 'taking my side')

Letting her take minor arguments / disagreements we had in the past and use them as excuses

Not being strong enough when I was explaining what I needed from her to keep going

What I did right:

Finally realise after lots of soul-distroying effort that it was never going to work, and not looking back.

My story is not yours but hope it helps. Good luck and stay strong.

Pfft I have been lurking here and am now creeping out the closet

You said
" I felt that it was important that he tell some people because of the way that he is viewed. He is seen to be a good guy, loyal and trustworthy and people act in a certain way around him. I wanted him to have to tell them so that he didn't have this veneer of respectability up any more that he could relax into."

You then acknowledge his friends would probably support him. I am glad you can see this as there is a great chance this will be the case.

Background. I had an affair , a proper sexual passionate thing, not a virtual think like your husband had . I m not proud of it , it was not a smart thing to do. My partner (not married - we have 2 kids together) found out, was devastated, wanted me to tell others to show me up as the evil bastard I clearly am.

Total opposite reaction from those I told - they were extremely understanding and had a lot of sympathy for ME, the bastard. Oddly it was a huge release for me to tell others - I wanted them to hear it from me not through the jungle drums. That's the thing about true friends , they love you no matter what.

I say all this in support of you - him telling others may make you feel worse , not better, so please be prepared for that.

In fact once I started the confessional I went a bit off the deep end and phoned round my brothers and sisters( BIG family !) to tell them all because I did not want it coming from another source.

One of my sisters managed to talk me out of telling my parents. There was no way they needed to know that stuff

All the same, though, Pfft's H clearly knew who the 'soft touch' would be among his friends since he wanted to stay with the one friend in particular.

I think most friends do not respond with horror to a confession of an affair -- most won't actually know what to say initially and will come out with something off the top of their heads which may or may not reflect their true, considered opinion. It would be unusual for someone to say much more than 'rhubarb rhubarb'. And I don't think it's a good idea for any one party to sit down and talk it through with people who know you both until things have been resolved privately one way or the other. It puts friends in a very thankless and awkward position. (Hence the value of MN, and counselling)

As far as telling people or not to, or whether it's a punishment to tell people, or whether she should or shouldn't have had her H tell his friends, none of that matters -- I think what matters about it is that it's a very valuable way for her to learn how the H feels about his actions, and there's nothing intrinsically wrong with that. This is a piece of information that Pfft really needs in order to sort everything out, in fact.

It's also a way for the H to hear his own words and see how others outside of the relationship bubble hear them, gain perspective depending on the friends' ability to come up with a response (and any response here that doesn't say 'Pfft had it coming, surprised she didn't drive you to it sooner' is a response that says 'You shouldn't have done that, Pfft's H') and help him to realise that Pfft will be doing a lot of the driving in the relationship from now on. It was a good way to assert yourself Pfft, and to assess your H and his willingness to do what you say it will take, in other words.

Report away. I am not shocked at all the feminists are back to the usual bullying ways. I am quite happy for my posts to be looked at by moderators, and at the same time hopefully they look at yours.

I have not called anyone vile, bitter, misogynist, arrogant or pompous unlike the feminists .. and thats just on this page. I have tried to stick to the subject mattre at hand. Youmight not agree with my opinion, but if not agreeing with a personal opinion was a reportable offense... this board would empty very quickly.

I would have left well enough alone, but Pfft decided to endorse the page after page of insults directed at me, so I decided that I would give my opinion again.

I've reported that last post, by the way. That's not even something masquerading as a 'helpful opinion'. It's just an insult.

I look forward to you reporting all the other insultiung threads as well.

BarmyArmy has just been goaded and baited into saying something silly.

It is utterly vile to say 'her actions borne out of anger/frustration/betrayal will have consequences. And these consequences could be revealed only in the long term.' thus putting her reactions to infidelity in the same category as the infidelity itself. And the vague threat of future calamity in the tone is boak-inducing. Do you honestly think that a woman in this position has done no thinking at all about the consequences of divorce, and needs you to spell it all out for her?

Oh poor BarmyArmy, goaded is he? Goaded? Baited?
L

O

L

And by the way, 'feminist' is not an insult.

('Pfft decided to endorse the page after page of insults directed at me, so I decided that I would give my opinion again.' What on earth does this even mean?

LOL at 'decided I would give my opinion again' -- how pompous can you get...)

Ok - well I went to bead at about half ten, so will start from the beginning of this debacle.

BarmyArmy you seem to swing between supporting me and sniping at me. Asking for advice about divorce does not mean that I I have decided that I want a divorce. It means that I want to be aware of all my options. As you think that I should keep my crisis to myself I should probably shut up, but actually if anything, it is thee opposite. I think that actually, I am likely to try again. Some days though, I am very angry. And can see no other way.
Why have you chosen the posts where I am asking about divorce to pick on me?
Why did you not choose the post where I said that I thought I should work it out because my children deserved the chance at a happy family?
Is it because you apply your own agenda to whatever I say, or just because you like to cause trouble?

The friend comment.
I was comparing her to me. I didn't mean that the whole marriage was on her terms, rather than she is doing what I would want to do should we work it out. She doesn't compromise herself in a negative way for her husband. She does not put up with things that I have put up with because I believed my husband to be a perfectly good man. She has her eyes open for what could happen in the future, rather than blindly thinking nothing could go wrong. She has her own money saved. She has fun, by herself and does not rely on her husband to be her sole entertainment, her world does not revolve around him. If she wants to go out, she goes out.
I do not mean that she calls all ths shots, or that she is controlling, or that she advised me to be like that. She told me thta right now, I should look after myself. She also reminded me that my marriage has been entirely about my husband for quite a while, something that WWIFN is probably well aware of and something that needs to change.
You all with your man-agendas might think differently. Feminist as an insult indeed. I think we have the measure of you.
I have not always talked rationally on this thread. I have said things that I do not mean, things that I will take back, said I will do things that I won't do. But that's what someone in my situation DOES you morons. To say that I am beyond contempt is just preposterous. But then these are the ones who think that I would be breaking up the marriage

This is it now, am putting on the twat blinkers. You can post all you like, I can't stop you. I'll be reporting any vile posts. I implore the rest of the people on the thread to just ignore you as well.

duvetcover
Thank you for coming onto this thread and telling me your story. You have a unique view here and it is interesting to hear it.
Did your DW ever seem really sorry? It sounds like she didn't. Clearly you are better off without her. Have you found someone else?
I am sorry that you had to go through that, fucking sucks doesn't it?

yesyouknowme
Thanks for that. It's not that I want him to have no support. But you are right, it might not make me feel how I think. As soon as he had told them, I wanted to take it back. I wanted them not to know. But I suppose they are all close, he has told one so they would all find out anway. At least this way I won't be wondering if they know. Did you and your partner work it out?

math -yes. PArt of him telling people was not just that I wanted him to be judged. I think that speaking the words would certainly give him a better idea of how he felt. I heard him say on the phone "I ruined it" ...so I am hoping that he has some clarity. I also wanted to know what other people said. The thing is, that I now feel that I cant trust what he has been saying to anyone. Part of me wonders if he has painted me as an evil harridan to his friends. And I wanted to know what their reactions would be.

Pfft - you are amazing.

Yay Pfft. Can I take my blinkers off yet?

I wouldn't take them off yet Tippy. They might be sitting on their beds pulling their socks on ready for more insightful bullshit even now....

So pleased you can ignore it Pfft. It is a shame though, that some people can be so utterly insensitive to how someone might be feeling in your current situation.

I wasnt using 'feminists' as an insult, I could have used many other words if I had wanted that. I was using it as point of reference as to why I think the advice they are giving is so slanted.

And I never said you were beyond contempt... so dont include me in that.

I'm off to get them welded to my face

It is utterly vile to say 'her actions borne out of anger/frustration/betrayal will have consequences. And these consequences could be revealed only in the long term.'

No actually it is the truth. And even more so if she decides to forgive him and try and save her marriage. Things said and done now are important.. both from him and her. I agree with the posters who are saying there is no rush, take time and think things through now that you are hopefully over the initial shock.

As for Pfft's friend, I think the initial desription of her was not flattering hence the reaction, could you imagine if the genders were reversed and I said I had a lovely mate, but he thought no woman was 100% trustworthy and he was married on his terms..... the term 'lovely' would not have been an adjetive approved by some on here to describe him.....

I've not posted on here til now but I've been reading since the beginning.

Pfft, you're doing amazingly well, I wish I'd been able to be like you when I discovered my dp's philandering.

Footlong and Barmy.. what you don't seem able to grasp is that MN is a 'safe' place where you write all your thoughts, good and bad and try to make sense of them, like a stream of consciousness with feedback if you will. You don't then necessarily go to your partner and say the same things. Nor do you take as gospel everything that everyone says to you, it's a useful way of making sense where it seems that all sense is gone.

I think that if you can't recognise that, then fuck off you have no place on this thread, or any others which require a modicum of sensitivity.

Pfft - yes it really does suck. I was so angry for so long because I invested myself completely in someone and they just threw it away. She really wasn't sorry, in fact at one point she told me she understood right and wrong better than me because she went to church more than me? when she was the one sleeping with someone else Thinking about it, I think the turning point for me was realising what would make me happy and that I could never get it from this person.

as it turned out, there was someone amazing waiting just around the corner, though it was two years before I would let her get close. She helped me become 'normal' again and its so much better now. One of the differences I think is we try to be open and share hopes, dreams, frustrations, desires all the time and respond to them. Sometimes its hard but then I remember the pain of the divorce and remember why its worth it.

Us nasty feminists, goading the poor menfolk. I bet we're secretly all hairy-pitted lesbians, too?

Sigh. Twat blinkers on then.

Pfft, so glad you're able to wear your blinkers & get on with things with minimum disruption. I understand what you mean about your friend - she sounds a lot like I imagine AF to be

As it happens, I haven't really had the divorce vibe from you. Whether that's accurate or not, I'm not sure - but you must be being a lot more balanced than you're given credit for if there's any confusion over the matter (helped along by you being so confused in general, I'm sure).

I get what you mean about him telling people, too. H hasn't told his friends anything but that we're over, but I made him tell his family (MIL has always hated me for some reason, to the point of not talking to me on our wedding day, so I didn't want her spouting nonsense in front of DS at any point). I think that I believe that he told them, but apparently when he saw them the week after we split, they didn't even mention me. My family still ask after him, as someone who's been part of the family, although obviously they're on my 'side'. Just goes to show how some people can react strangely to the wrongdoings of loved ones. Even people less strange than my H's family may struggle to find the right words. That's not to say that you should ignore your instincts about someone in particular if they just don't sit right with you.

I hope you have a nice weekend planned & you can get some time to do whatever it is you want to do - whether that's completely (as much as possible!) take your mind off things or sit & think about nothing else for a while. You're doing well & you've come so far already - keep plodding on x

Morning pfft :)

What the hell happened here last night? The world went all mad

I really hope that you are not letting some daft posters get you down at all. They don't seem to understand that you are currently going through a type of grieving, and just as you wouldn't say cold things to someone who had suffered a bereavement, you wouldn't say them to a woman who has just lost the marriage she thought she had.

Pfft you are still incredible, just in case you didn't know it already :o

Take your time. No decisions need to be made yet. Just work things through.

Is it odd that your h seems to have grasped more of the basic principals of what he needs to do than the helpful "contributors" ba and fl?

I wonder how many marriages have been ruined, in a similar way to duvet's because of terrible advice by this pair to the wrongdoing party?

Has it ever occurred to you both that you are actively destroying the relationships that you seek to save?

Sorry...

I think the unfortunate side-effect of some of the more, shall we say, "ideological" posters has been to reinforce the idea (first suggested in the title) that men are not to be trusted to treat women respectfully.

It is ironic hat a strong and intelligent woman who has had her confidence in her spouse shattered, who is looking at the man she has loved for many years and seeing him as the latest addition to a pile of dickfaces she thought he was different from, is having such an unedifying display of what self-serving cock-knockers some men can be.

Pffft I think Whenwill's advice on this thread has been unusually good even by her high standards. I've been lurking and supporting silently but you've got a lot of heavy hitters on your side here, so you don't need me.

I just wanted to say fwiw that as a fully signed-up member of the infamous "leave him" brigade, when I read your posts and what you write about your DH I'm really rooting for you both to sort this out.

Unlike so many of these kinds if threads, you make him sound like a good man.

I'm not saying you should sort it out, and I'm certainly not saying I would or could do it myself. Just that (and I know this is silly, but it would matter to me, I think) I see the happy ending here as you restored to your belief that your dh is loyal and not a dickface.

I don't think there is any weakness in forgiving
someone who deserves that forgiveness, or trusting someone again when that trust is not misplaced. The hard and painful thing is that your own certainty and decisiveness have been disorietated by such an unexpected betrayal. How can you trust yourself to be right about him now?

I suspect that you were right about him all along, and he lost his way. A lot. Has he found his way back? It sounds like it, but you aren't convinced, so maybe not.

I hope you are OK today. You do sound strong and amazing as others have said, but also very vulnerable and sad. I recognise very much the frustration at being in a position you shouldn't be in, being asked to take on pain you had no part in causing. It's not fair, and that sucks.

Do you think he would take it on if the roles were reversed?

Crunches... as far as I know, the daft pair were not giving relationship advice to my ex during our breakup... though if they were involved it might explain some of the colourful comments she was making at the time :o

Footlong you quoted me earlier when I said Pffts husband doesn't have the right to talk to people who will make him feel better. You forgot to add the bit where I said "rather than encourage him to address his issues."
That bit is important. Of course,if his friends just offer sympathy and no criticism and her DH is sucked in by that, then this also gives Pfft vital information about how serious her husband is about his marriage.

Also, when Pfft made the comment about someone else raising his children, I didn't read that as a threat or a comment designed to hurt even. It was a comment about how her husband has acted without thinking/caring about how his actions can affect his childrens lives in the future. It is a fact that if Pfft remarried then there would be someone else at least helping to raise the children.

You don't seem to see that Pfft isn't breaking up her marriage. She is trying desperately hard because she has children. If she didn't then I suspect she wouldn't be considering trying to fix this. It is galling to have to be the one who thinks about doing the right thing, whatever that is when someone else (the someone who caused all the devastation) hasn't thought at all. It makes a person very angry to have to clear up someone elses mess!

I also think you and BA have such little understanding of how devastating it is to discover that the person you put all your faith in has betrayed you

Skid, excellent post.

Duvet :o it sounds like your ex was a selfish git, I'm glad you've found happiness. I also think that pfft's h doesn't sound like she subscribes to your ex's school of "it's your fault I did this". Which is a very good thing.

skidoodly that was a great post. My husband is a good man. I wince at the title every time that I open the thread because he is not a DickFace, he did a dickfacey thing and I was SO angry.

this:
I don't think there is any weakness in forgiving someone who deserves that forgiveness, or trusting someone again when that trust is not misplaced. The hard and painful thing is that your own certainty and decisiveness have been disorietated by such an unexpected betrayal. How can you trust yourself to be right about him now?

is exactly what I am thinking. That I know that there are plenty of things that he says now that are true, but I hate that I have to assume that this is not the case.

If it was me who had the affair I have no doubt that he would forgive me and try again.

duvet I think you got a lucky escape mate, your ex sounds like a prize loon. Well done for getting away At least she has more time now to spend in church, eh?

Thanks, korma. It is true that if we had no children I would probably walk away. It IS galling to think about having to do thr right thing while at the same time knowing that your spouse failed to do the right thing on several occasions and now it falls to me to make the right choice.