Is this a normal sex life???

[whatisnormality]

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

• Always initiated by me
• 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
• Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
• Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

Er no

It sounds very far from normal. How awful for you. It sounds as though he doesn't care at all about your needs. You have put up with that for 10//11 years - how?

Have you ever spoken to anyone professional about this? I mean a couple counsellor? Thee is so much wrong here I don't know how you'd begin to tackle that without help.

I suppose there is no such thing as normal. BUT, you are not happy and he doesn't seem to care. That is not "normal".

How could you be gagging for it? Sounds soul destroying. 50 minutes?

How could you be gagging for it? Sounds soul destroying. 50 minutes? Jaw dropping stuff!!

Sorry about the double posts tonight.

Thank you for your responses. We've discussed it so many times but he always turns it around to other problems....

He was stressed at work and just wants to sleep - yet when it started he wasn't working?

I need 'all the planets to be in tune' and yet I can happily sort him out when they're not?

I never want it - and yet I've never once rejected him and tell him every time we have this argument that I am sexually frustrated

The thing that particularly upsets me when we have this discussion is that he implies he's also dissastified with his sex life and it really makes me mad..... His is a million times better than mine and yet he grumbles about it?! He had the audacity tonight to say that he's sexually frustrated??!!!

The problem is it always (as it did tonight) ends up with me cuddling him, me putting my hands under his shirt and him just laughing at me whilst telling me how patronising I am? I know this only tells one side of the story but I honestly didn't understand his issues and when I asked him to elaborate he just shouted that I was patronising??

Rah!! Sorry to rant just so frustrated and would never tell anyone in rl as so humiliating

How does he think babies happen?

He has big issues, I wouldn't have stayed this long tbh, so kudos to you.

He sounds gay

He's had several partners before me and has always said that he had a reasonable sex life with them.

I actually asked him tonight if his last girlfriend always initiated it and he just rolled his eyes and said that I was attacking him which he knew would happen when I said I wanted to talk.

And yes - to the op no penetration most of the time. I literally get a pat on the back and a 'thank you' as he goes to sleep!

Is he gay?

I'm sorry I don't really understand what's going on for you here. It's all a bit complex.

What would happen if you were to ask him to touch you? Or tell him whatever else you'd like? What would/does he do?

I have asked him before if he's gay and he got really upset and said that he loves me and fancies me but I just don't get how he can.

The problem is that I just have no confidence now. It's been so long that I can't imagine why anyone would want to have sex with me and the whole thought of sex just seems a bit alien (really difficult to explain)

It doesn't matter if it's normal or not, it just sounds shit.

I wouldn't bother to see a counsellor, I'd just find someone else to fuck quite frankly.

Sorry I know that's very glib, but this guy doesn't sound like he gives a shit about you. How have you put up with this for 11 years? I'd rather be celibate. Then at least you have the hope of meeting someone else, with whom you can have a mutually fulfilling sex life.

it's not your fault and it's not normal.

I am only just realising (fourteen months on) just how dysfunctional my ex was in this department.

He would only ever have sex if he initiated it, but complained that it was not frequent enough, he also was very heavy on 'instruction' and it never really felt intimate or loving, more like a performance.

This man sounds like he might have sexual/control issues?

A pat on the back and a thank you?? Stop 'sorting him out' then. I would stop making it all so easy for him.

I think I would be so hurt at being so neglected that I wouldn't be up for 50mins of foreplay on him. No way. I'd be very sad as well as frustrated. Feel sad for you

It also occurred to me that he's gay.

I must admit I'm wondering if he may be gay or have 'different' sexual desires. If you are offering it to him on a regular basis, but he is declining and yet is also claiming to be sexually frustrated, then I'm not sure wat other explanation there could be.

walkingonsunshine tbh I don't really ask him to do things now - I used to and the session just ended although that was so many years ago.

His solution tonight was for me to never initiate it but if I don't we literally wouldn't have a sex life and at 33 I don't feel ready for that.

It's just so hideous and the few times that we do have sex now I just cry. I really thought he might see my point tonight but he just doesn't see the problem.

The few times he does do something to me (ie oral sex) he'll sit on my face whilst doing it so I feel a bit like I'm being suffocated by an elephants tail and can't concentrate on anything other than hoping it's over - the problem is that I'll be so grateful for any contact I don't tell him it's hideous

Eww god leave him really, just do it.

have you thought about psychosexual counselling? If you want to stay with him, that is.

sorry to be he one to ask but what "bum action" does the man refer to? Does he like you to penetrate him or just hae a fiddle. It does sound a bit odd.And so selfish too.

Go and get yourself some proper sex with a man who cares about your feelings.

'He sits on my face' That's awful. I'm so sorry if I sounded flippant earlier.

You have to leave him.