Is this a normal sex life???

[whatisnormality]

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

• Always initiated by me
• 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
• Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
• Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

It's sad the way he constantly has to put you down to make himself feel good eg the car park comment.
Re him making comments about not going to the funeral I'd have been tempted to say "I suppose it'll get me used to going to things on my own", that might make him decide to come.
20 funerals in 3 years is alot though (if you're under 65), if my husband went to that many I'd be wondering if he had mawkish tendencies and enjoyed the melodrama.

It sounds as though you probably will separate now as you don't sound as though you love or fancy him. There's no rush though. Just don't let him grind you down, and let him put his own pizza in the oven, if my husband looked pathetic because I expected him to sort his own dinner out because I'd already eaten I'd be laughing at him not putting his pizza on. I thought this guy could cook a bit anyway.

Think of you every day whatis. Please let us know how things are going this week. How did the funeral go yesterday?

Why was my reply deleted? We dont all sing off the same hymn sheet!!

2rebecca, why do you say that if yr dh went to that many funerals you'd wonder if he had mawkish tendencies/enjoyed the melodrama?

That's very unfair to say to someone who is grieving for a friend. Whatis is in her 30s. You can't possibly know the circumstances of what has happened to her family and friends.

Hope you're ok whatis. Lots of people out here are checking in and thinking of you!

30 funerals in 3 years is a huge number. I'm in my 40s and I've been to 2 in that time.
OK if 25 of them died in a bus crash, but otherwise you either have very unlucky friends or sound as though you go to every funeral you hear of.

I don't think that's true 2Rebecca TBH. I live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone else and, as such, it is quite common to go to funerals on a fairly regular basis. There's nothing mawkish about it, it's just a sign of respect for the people concerned or their families.

2rebecca, I am from a large city. I go to funerals of family, friends and friends whose close family have passed away and yeah 30 might seem like a lot, but I have found that 'rushes' like this are not unusual.

Anyway whatis, hope everything is ok for you and he is not making things worse.

It was 'probably 20' in the last 3 years, not 30. I can't believe you would comment like this to someone who's lost people 2rebecca. You just don't know any of the circumstances and grief is a delicate area.

Whatis Ohh you poor sweet girl (((hugs)))

I started reading this thread last night and had to come down early to finish reading....you were in my thoughts.

You've had some amazing advice and support here....YES 600 internet forum ladies agree with and support you! I admire your honesty, warmth, sense of humour and deep down your strong heart...IT IS THERE!!

The reason I am posting, is not to add further to the advice (how could I?!) but to tell you that almost exactly 2 years ago, I walked out on my long term partner, our home, our dog.....everything.

He was a controlling emotional bully too, always stressed, always tired, always unsatisfied, criticised my friends and family, criticised everyone in fact, weird lies, weird in bed, isolated me, had unresolved childhood issues, hit the dog.... etc.

Deep down inside him was a lovely, tender caring man who adored me, but who I finally realised was never going to break that mould.

In fact I realise that even really bad people often have a soft heart deep down. Pretty useless if you only see it so rarely.

It broke my heart to leave, he offered to get counselling, opened up, started being honest, all the things you are describing. It was very confusing....

But my simple response was: OK, I'm leaving, if you seriously love me, prove it, learn to let me go, get your bloody counselling and stay in touch.

Needless to say, the counselling came to nothing, I moved out, he wept and wailed and professed regret and love.

That was 2 years ago........

As I sit here typing, I'm having occasional hard kicks from the baby I am carrying, due in just 2 weeks with my wonderful new partner.

We met 2months after I left and OMFG I AM HAPPY!!!!!!

Not walking on eggshells, not feeling low and confused all the time, just enjoying normality.
I have a f**ed up family background too, low self esteem, alcoholic parents, my ex preyed on all of that, focussing on my weak points to get control....once you see the path out though, you can grow so much stronger.

ITS ALL OUT THERE WAITING FOR YOU!!

I'm 37 honey....nearly lost my chance, but realised just in time that you only get 1 bloody life, take chances....enjoy it! xxxxx

Hi Whatis...
I've just read through all your posts and wanted to add my support and say don't underestimate your friend's ability to cope with her loss and your problems. A year or two ago, my mum was very, very ill (intensive care, cancer etc). I was in a mess. At the same time, without me knowing, one of my best friends was going through a horrific time with her DH and left him for a short time. However, as she was worried about me, she didn't tell me any of this at the time and waited until my mum was out of the woods to speak to me about all this.

I still feel very guilty/upset about this as I feel that I failed her as a friend in this, even though she chose not to tell me. I know that, even though I was in a bad place, I would have had the time and love for her. Your friend will be able to support you, despite her loss. Don't make the mistake of underestimating her or thinking that you are being good to her by not telling her - if she is anything like me she will feel terrible if she discovers what you have been going through at a later date.

Hope you are OK x

Hi whatis - I hope you're ok, please keep posting.

I'm afraid I haven't checked in for a few days so I don't know what MN deleted. My advice is however to listen to the people who have been here from the start, not just jumping on the bandwagon thinking they're helping.

Hello all, Whatis has contacted me this morning to ask if I?d post a quick message thanking everybody for all their advice on this thread, but that for various reasons she feels unable to continue posting at the moment. She is doing well but I?m not sure if/when she will be back.
Good luck to you Whatis and remember, we are all here again whenever you want.

Awww bless her! Thanks Cornish .

I've been on this journey with xh and I remember so much of what you are describing. Thinking of you whatis!

Good luck pet - I hope it all goes well for you. You seem like such a lovely person.

Thanks, Cornish.

It's not that dittany, don't worry.

My situation with XH was quite a lot different in some ways, but some things are so familiar... The one where he uses your good points against you, eg if you're caring and tender-hearted (towards anyone but him or in our case the DCs) that is somehow a bad thing to be. Making a virtue out to be a vice. Of course if I was ever a bit tough that was bad as well, what happened to my compassion eh? (though the latter was rare!) And the other one, where you know you're ok at something, like driving, but he manages to engineer a way of sneering about it. Although you rejected it - as I always did - it still leaves you feeling a bit bad. Even more so when it's someone to whose judgement you are used to deferring.

Hope Whatis feels stronger soon and that her bereaved friend is ok.

Thanks Cornish, please let her know we're thinking of her and we're here when she's ready.

I hope she's ok and not in any danger.

Just seen this - is she ok Cornish? Keep wondering how she is.

She hasn't been in contact with me since that first message a few days ago, sorry.

Maybe she's pregnant?? Hope you are ok WIN

Are you ok?