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Original poster

Is this a normal sex life???

807 replies

whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 21:37

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

  • Always initiated by me
  • 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
  • Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
  • Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

OP posts:
blinder · 17/09/2010 23:27

I agree with lots of the posts here. No, it's not normal in a loving relationship.

But I will add that an interest in anal pleasure does not equal 'gay'. That's quite a reductive (possibly homophobic?) assumption. The anus is an erogenous zone regardless of sexuality.

Waiting on the bed, arse up, for you to pleasure him doesn't mean he's gay, but it does mean that he sees you as his personal sex-worker. Please get out of this situation.

BellevilleRendezvous · 17/09/2010 23:28

whatisnormality - why would you want to compromise, at the age of 33, on companionship?? And this man does not sound like he is your friend either, I'm sorry. Friends don't sneer at other friends, tell them they're patronising, belittle their views, undermine decisions made together by saying it was your fault.

please seek counselling, for yourself.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 23:29

He's only ever been violent once and he was mortified (that was many, many years ago). I left him (chucked him out actually) and lived on my own for about 3 months. I don't know why we got back together but he spent the whole 3 months trying too and I have no control when I look into his eyes (which I love) and they're teary. I know how pathetic that sounds

OP posts:
HuckingFell · 17/09/2010 23:29

you are 33 that is a baby. move on.

he does not love or respect you. People do not treat people they love and respect like that ever.

dignified · 17/09/2010 23:30

Dignified, he isn't sexually abusing as I never tell him not to do anything and always do whatever he wants. That's my fault for not being assertive enough.

Yes he is. Hes making you feel bad about yourself sexually and is denying you sexual pleasure . In the past he has made you do things that you do not want to do. He blames you and critisises you sexually , all these things are sexually abusive.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 23:30

Maybe he's right though and I am patronising and belittle him when talking. He said that I didn't want to talk I wanted to attack him and he's right that it was all about what he does wrong as opposed to what wrong generally with our relationship

OP posts:
JiggeryPopery · 17/09/2010 23:31

This man hates you.

Think of how he treats you. That's how you treat people for whom you feel nothing but loathing and contempt.

Think of someone you love (not him - a friend, a sibling, a parent) - would you treat them the way your husband treats you?

MollysChambers · 17/09/2010 23:31

I would agree that the bum sex thing alone doesn't mean he's gay. However that coupled with the fact that he seems to have no interest in a fulfilling, loving sexual relationship with his wife (and never has) is a bit suss. IMO.

HerBeatitude · 17/09/2010 23:31

OP, stop kidding yourself that maybe the sex isn't that important and it's the friendship that matters.

You aren't getting any friendship from this bloke. Would you be friends with anyone else who treated you with such utter disdain?

No sex, no friendship, no respect.

You're not selling him...

ronshar · 17/09/2010 23:32

It is sexual abuse if you are used as a means to finish off nearly an hours worth of one way pleasure!
You get nothing from this man. Seriously I try never to tell people to leave a partner but you should be running to the hills.
He sounds like he has had his own way for far too long.
Think of yourself and take him out of the equation.

BellevilleRendezvous · 17/09/2010 23:36

He's good at turning it all back to you isn't he? Sad

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 23:37

Ok his good points:

He's intelligent, tonigh as he wasn't working today he made me tea three times and made dinner. He also loaded the dishwasher ( to be fair that's all pretty unusual but he is aware that I've been quite stressed at work).

If I ever needed to be picked up from somewhere he'd be there.

There are however circumstances where for example my father who sometimes drinks too much and tells me what a waste of f.. space I am etc, he actually sits there saying nothing and doesn't support me when I try to defend myself.

I think that's probably a large part of the problem. My father is abusive and when I say that to my partner he says that we're both as bad as each other when in my eyes if some is swearing at you and being really rather vile and you clarifying the reality of the situation you are not being abusive yourself but trying to defend yourself. The last time this happened (my father often makes me cry) i questioned why he didn't defend me and after saying we are as bad as each other (my father and I) he said that if his father ever spoke to him like that he'd walk away and not return....

OP posts:
petitfromage · 17/09/2010 23:38

I can sympathise so much - and I don't personally think it's as easy as 'just leave him.'

My ex was all about him, pleasuring him, doing whatever he needed etc, after 7 yrs I totally forgot that I played a role in asking for my needs to be met. He wanted to leave when i was 10 weeks preg but I persuaded him to stay, he then spent 9 months being repulsed by me physically and would only have sex from behind and then only when he was desperate. It was beyond horrid.

He finally left 2 1/2 years ago and I had a couple of short flings since but nothing more as I was focusing on bringing up my boy and working, paying mortgage etc. I loved the idea of sex but tbh too knackered and scared to think it would get better.

To cut long story short met a lovely bloke 4 months ago...and OH MY GOD!!!! What the hell did I put up with for so long??? We are taking it steady but fingers crossed this might actually work.

So my point of view - only you know what you are prepared to accept, what you need and what you are prepared to sacrifice. A great relationship isn't all about sex. In fact you can probably have a great one without sex at all....but oh my god it helps! IMO!!

Think about what you want from your relationship before you make the next move - although it's not sounding good right now you could build off a strong base I think?

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 23:39

The problem is how can you be 100% sure it isn't all you?? of course if I told my friends and brothers they'd all think it was all him because they would support me. I'm sure if he told his friends they would all support him and see me as the frigid over reacting wife with unreasonable expectations....

OP posts:
ronshar · 17/09/2010 23:39

Ah there we are. You have got your self a man like your father.
You think it is normal to be treated like shite and so it has become quite normal to you for your DH to do it.

harecare · 17/09/2010 23:40

Next time you feel depressed have a daydream of your perfect life. You can achieve whatever you want so long as you know what you want.
Never let yourself be convinced you're not settling for second best when you are.
We're all rooting for you and once your family and friends know how you feel they will all be climbing over themselves to help and support you.

openerofjars · 17/09/2010 23:40

It doesn't matter what his friends think of you. The people who love you will know better than that.

dignified · 17/09/2010 23:40

Whatis , its normal to be plagued with self doubt and confusion when dealing with an abuser , thats the effect they want to acheive and theyre usually successfull . Have you heard of Stockholm syndrome ? If not have a read of it , its very real , you sound like i used to.

( wheres grace with her cognitive dissonance explanation that makes so much sense ? )

You have all this information at your fingertips , make use of it , read everything you can , also ring womens aid , you will need support and a trained counseller to get out of this.

You say hes only been violent once . Thats all it takes. I bet he has a look or a tone that he uses that is enough to let you know when to stop talking and not to push it.

ronshar · 17/09/2010 23:41

I would have left my DH years ago if the sex wasnt brilliant. When we have it!

blinks · 17/09/2010 23:41

bad points waaaaaaaaaaay outweigh the good ones.

it also seems pretty clear that you're replaying, in a way, the relationship you have with your father.

counselling would be very beneficial to you and can often give you extra strength in order to get out of a bad situation.

Laquitar · 17/09/2010 23:42

I have read many sad threads here but this seems to me one of the worst Sad.

The majority of OPs here cant easily leave because of the children. Also many of them have no job, no money, no family/friends. No qualifications, never worked before. They face custody battles and questions from their childrens. Still, many of them have overcome all this.

You have no children with this man. You had financial help from your parents, you have job. You have friends and your brother. Yet you cant leave him??? This indicates how low your self esteem is Sad.

Why are you doing this to yourself?

You are only 33, you sound wonderful person, with job, friends, no commitments. You could have the time of your life.

I agree with others about speaking to your brother and friend and have counselling on your own. Please leave and start living. And dont give a damn about what people think.

I 've never did this but i'm sending you hugs.
Have to leave but will try to check tommorow. All the best luck.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 23:43

Petit - thank you for telling your story. You're right it really isn't easy to leave and the fear of failure and being on your own is crippling.

Fantastic that you've met a lovely new man now - the mere thought of being with a new partner is daunting.

OP posts:
petitfromage · 17/09/2010 23:43

Just read your latest post and reread some of the others...can't help saying it hon but gut instinct is you deserve better. And this from someone who took waaaay too long to work that out herself.

What ever you decide good luck...

MollysChambers · 17/09/2010 23:45

I really cannot stress this enough - it is not you. This guy has serious issues that have been there for the entire time that you have been with him. He was what, 30, when you met? And you were 18 and had had no previous partners and a verbally abusive father? Do you see what's happened here? You were young and vulnerable and he has completely taken advantage.

dignified · 17/09/2010 23:47

The problem is how can you be 100% sure it isn't all you??

Because theres books written about him , he is literally a textbook abuser , you could open any book or web page and read all about him. Most of us whove been where you are know full well the looks, the twisting of words , refusing to listen ect , because they all follow a certain pattern. If your not sure , why not start researching and speak to womens aid ?

I recomend several books ,

Living with the dominater- freedom programme
Why does he do that - lundy bancroft
Controlling people - ( dont know sorry !)
But there all just a few quid on amazon.

The issue with your father - same person - differant face.

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