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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a normal sex life???

807 replies

whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 21:37

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

  • Always initiated by me
  • 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
  • Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
  • Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 22:25

Thank you everyone for responding - I think you're right I do need to seriously consider the options, it's just very difficult to do that.

I know if someone else told me I'd probably be the same and say what you've said but I guess he's brain washed me over the years to believe that I have unrealistic expectations and that there is nothing wrong that I just plod along miserably.

OP posts:
doublequack · 17/09/2010 22:27

Sorry to be blunt but if children are important to you how is staying with a man, who is unlikely be with you in trying to achieve that goal, way into your 30s going to help?

You have to do something NOW!!! if talking hasn't helped write it down. Be blunt and know what you want and what you are and arent willing to accept. Know your "Deal breakers" and stick with it. If you 2 are meant to be you will sort it out. If you arent, the sooner you move on the better.

asouthwoldmummy · 17/09/2010 22:27

The bottom line is what is more important to you? Staying with this man who upsets you or the chance to feel truly loved and a family?
I don't mean to be blunt but it sounds like having both isn't an option.

LeChatRouge · 17/09/2010 22:27

Interestingly you say he is never abusive, but in a way the emotional abuse can have such a devestating effect, that it can render you unable to act.

You are not having a down day - this is how it is every day.

Google 'emotional abuse'.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 22:28

I guess I'm staying with him because I do love him although I have started to really resent him.

I was going through a phase of muttering lazy .... under my breath every time I thought about him which is surely wrong?? He always argues why did I marry him if I thought it was wrong and it would break him if we divorced .....

OP posts:
blinks · 17/09/2010 22:28

eee gads! poor you.

sounds horrid, very confidence destroying and you seem to be hooked on getting a better response when it's clear you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

his defensiveness is just a cover for fear of having to face up to this. try not to focus on changing his reaction to your distress- if he doesn't get it now, he never will.

i think if a problem in a relationship is so bad that you're too worried about what people will think to tell anyone, you already know it's pretty shiteous.

i hope you summon the courage to get rid before you have children. don't bring kids into this situation.

hairytriangle · 17/09/2010 22:28

hey, whatisnormality take gentle care. I can tell you from recent experience, it's very hard to deal with but you can have a better life. You need to do what's right for you (and DCs), not what's right for him or others.

BitOfFun · 17/09/2010 22:29

Trust me, this is NOT normal. It is a recipe for misery. But you know that really.

I highly recommend some personal counselling for yourself to get to the reason why you are willing to allow yourself to be treated so poorly. You will need to find your own sense of self and learn to trust your own judgement, because there your very core is screaming that you are unhappy, yet you are letting some other dysfunctional or damaged part of yourself control your decision-making processes.

ronshar · 17/09/2010 22:29

He may be nice enough. But he is not nice enough for you.

Please just pack your bags and stay with a friend or your brother. I bet he would welcome you with open arms.

Show yourself some of the respect which your DH clearly isnt.

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 17/09/2010 22:30

When you are so close to a situation you cannot see it. You sound like a very giving woman who feels your needs come second and his come first.

You need to have some time away and value yourself. You deserve a sex life and a man who honours and adores and lusts after you. Saying he isn't abusive... or 'he is ok' is none of those things.

I regret bitterly the wasted years of my life.

Please don't be like me

ParanoidAtAllTimes · 17/09/2010 22:31

OP I feel so sad for you. Agree with other posters- you need to get out and find someone who cares about you. Gay or not, he sounds incredibly selfish. Interesting that your brother and best friend don't like him- have they given reasons?

ParanoidAtAllTimes · 17/09/2010 22:32

x post- thread moving v quickly!

JiggeryPopery · 17/09/2010 22:33

He sounds like a control freak. He has been subtely undermining you for years.

Divorcing him wom't break him at all. But just in case it does, leave him. Just leave him.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 22:33

This might be a really stupid question but does no one else have a similar relationship?

The whole thought of divorce horifies me.

My friend and brother don't think he's right for me and think that I've changed since we've been together and I guess that they think I'm unhappy. It does boil down to control I think - he does let me go out and do what I want but if for example a friend calls, he'll tut and roll his eyes making it clear he's not happy for that to intrude on our time.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 17/09/2010 22:34

GOd almighty, dump this shitbag. He will never give you children. He is abusive to you - he doesn't love you in the least, doens;t consider you a human being at all. I was thinking as I read the thread that I bet he does fuck all round the house as well.
Honestly love, what he wants from you is a) domestic service and b) a 'wife' he can parade in front of people to prove he isn;t gay. And he is aware that the only way to make you put up with this is to destroy your self-esteem and make you believe that this is all you're worth.
OK he must have been brought up by homophobic tossers and presumably socialises or works with homophobic tossers, so it's important to him that he's percieved as Not Gay. I could sympathise with him a little as it's horrible to have to spend your life pretending to be something you're not - but his mistreatment of you means he doesn;t deserve very much sympathy.
You don't have kids with him so you can just walk away. If he has some kind of financial hold over you, you can still just walk away - if he lent you money, you can negotiate a repayment plan, if you don't have a job you can get benefits until you do get one. He hasn't bought you. He doesn;t own you. You CAN get away.

BitOfFun · 17/09/2010 22:35

What horrifies you more?

Divorce?

Or being emotionally and sexually abused for another few years and never having children?

ronshar · 17/09/2010 22:36

Forward your life ten years. Where do you see yourself?
Are you happy?
Are you still with DH, sexually frustrated, unhappy, resentful?

QS · 17/09/2010 22:36

I think withholding sex, love and emotion is a form of abuse, so he IS abusing you.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 22:36

Also the other thing that frustrates me is that I used to be quite sociable but he never wants to go to anything with me so I end up going to parties etc on my own wondering what the point of having a partner is??

I also play back the many times we've had this argument and all the things that have made me feel a bit dirty whilst we've been togther (ie when we started dating he wanted to have sex in public places and got really grumpy when I cried or refused - I was only 18 and he was my first partner)

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 17/09/2010 22:36

He doesn't LET you go out? Angry

This guy is abusing you in many ways. You must end this farce. No wonder he won't go, he does nothing, you do all the finances, social life, family stuff. He is your child, without the love a child gives you.

ronshar · 17/09/2010 22:37

I love SGB she always says the stuff I want to say but am never brave enough.

CarGirl · 17/09/2010 22:37

No, our sex life is nothing like this at all.
h
DH nearly always initiates and does most of the work and he is happy to do so. When I tried to initiate (because he was upset that I never did) it never worked out so we agreed that perhaps it didn't work for us.

See we had an issue, we talked about it, we reached a solution we are both happy with. Same for what we individual like/don't like/is out of bounds etc. It's talked through without accusation and we work through to a solution we're both happy with.

MollysChambers · 17/09/2010 22:38

If you do decide to move on you'll meet someone else and then you'll realise how completely fucked up this is. Trust me. This is not normal. At all.

CarGirl · 17/09/2010 22:39

He's your first partner!

He is so NOT normal.

ParanoidAtAllTimes · 17/09/2010 22:39

Oh my god he made you cry by asking you to do things you didn't want to do? He's sounding worse and worse with each post...