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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a normal sex life???

807 replies

whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 21:37

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

  • Always initiated by me
  • 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
  • Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
  • Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

OP posts:
Surprise · 17/09/2010 23:01

*whatisnormality" there are many, many people on here who have left their partners, myself included. It isn't easy, but try to remember you ONLY GET ONE LIFE. Don't waste it. Make sure you're the happiest you can possibly be - and it doesn't sound like your DH makes you happy. I'd get out and start building a new life for yourself. Really, it will be the start of a wole new life and you won't regret it. You know things are wrong, you just need to gather the confidence to do something about it. As others have said, talk to your friend and brother about why they don't like him - they are sure to have your best interests at heart. It surprised me when I split up with my ex H that very few of my friends liked him, but didn't like to say at the time, so you may find no one really thinks much of him. I hope you manage to sort things out - keep us posted xx

MollysChambers · 17/09/2010 23:02

I think you'll be surprised at how quickly people get used to the idea. Of course you can cope without him.

ParanoidAtAllTimes · 17/09/2010 23:02

If your DB and BF have picked up on the relationship making you unhappy I'm sure other people have too but perhaps they haven't felt able to say anything. If they love you they will support you.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 23:03

Paranoid we actually get on pretty well and to (most of) the outside world we're a perfect couple.

We argue perhaps once every 4 weeks and it's always about the same subject.... even on our honeymoon we argued about lack of sex (as always I initiated it the 2 times we actually did during the 2 weeks)

OP posts:
nigglewiggle · 17/09/2010 23:04

Just companionship is fine, as long as both partners are happy with it. You are not and in fact, neither is he. I have never shouted "leave him" after 5 years on here, but unless he is prepared to be honest and change his ways, I suggest you get the hell out of there adn don't give a second thought for what anyone else thinks.

doublequack · 17/09/2010 23:05

dissapointed and upset- my bets would be on them being RELIEVED!! whether they let you know that or not.

You could cope. It is amazing what you just get on with and do when you have to. You will need support (maybe even professional support if you need it) but you will be able to put 1 foot infront of another and carry on.

ClimberChick · 17/09/2010 23:05

As you've said, if a friend came to with the same story and how she didn't want to upset other people by leaving him, you would tell her how silly she was being. If you don't leave, imagine your life in 10, 20 and even 50 years from now. It won't be long before you've spent more of your life with him than without. This is not the life you imagined settling for.

There's enough stuff there aside from the very wrong sex issue, that you could explain to people about why you've chosen to divorce such an ass.
Plus everyone knows a lot of stuff in couples happens behind closed doors and you can't really judge a relationship or how a person behaves in a relationship. There are people I like, but I admit, they are lousy partners.

BellevilleRendezvous · 17/09/2010 23:05

You say you met when you were 18? Look back to your eg 13 or 16 year old self. What were that girl's hopes and ideas for the future? What were your ideas of romantic love? If you could advise a niece or a friend's teenage daughter about growing up, what to look for in a partner, what to expect from a healthy sex life - do you think you would be advocating your relationship as a model - or something else?

What sort of relationship did your parents model to you? I don't know how healthy your relationship with them is / was, but do you think your mum and dad would say what you're experiencing is normal and ok, or not?

Being with someone from late teens to your early 30s means that you have been shaped by your time together to an extraordinary extent, and it's hard therefore to gain perspective. Try stepping outside yourself and asking what you think trusted people would say if they knew the reality of your relationships.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 23:06

Thank you everyone for all your replies - it's given me something to mull over whilst he who must be obeyed thinks I'm looking up the meaning of patronising because I don't understand the meaning of the word?? (I suggested that was patronising but of course he's never!)

I'll keep you posted once I've worked out what to do next. Perhaps counselling would be a good starting point

OP posts:
ParanoidAtAllTimes · 17/09/2010 23:07

Do you want to look back on your life from your death bed and be able to describe the only sexual relationship you've ever had as 'we actually get on pretty well and to (most of) the outside world we're a perfect couple'?

You can do so much better.

I have to go and get some sleep but please keep us posted. I really wish you well.

tallwivglasses · 17/09/2010 23:09

'so many people would be dissapointed and upset'

Er...1.So what? It's YOUR life, and 2.They won't be upset when they realise how unhappy you've been.

I've been reading this thread with increasing horror. How is encouraging him to leave a job he hates being patronising? Confused

Of course you can cope without him - you have lots of friends, supportive family, a job, and pretty soon you'll have a new bf bringing you to the height of passion, I'll wager.

ScroobiousPip · 17/09/2010 23:10

Oh, whatisnormality, your family and friends want the best for you. They really won't be disappointed, honestly.

You're in a very difficult situation and if you've never had a great sex life it is going to be difficult to imagine. But, really, there are some wonderful, loving men out there who would love to have a family with you. Far better to walk away now than to deal with all the complexities of a divorce post-children.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 23:11

Belle - my parents relationship was the complete opposite in some ways and very similar in others. Their sex life is too healthy (ie they have sex daily) and although they love each other I don't believe they support each other enough and I don't believe he makes her happy. I also believe that similar to my husband, my father either doesn't want to attend or wants to leave early social functions thus making her feel that's acceptable. I think she'd like to do much more as a couple. My husband and I do quite a lot as a couple (although always things that involve spending vast quantities of cash as we don't really enjoy doing the same things bar eating!)

I know they both think my relationship is a bit bizarre but they know I love him and think he makes me happy

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 17/09/2010 23:11

"Ronshar he is a good partner in most other ways. He's a typical man mostly in that he is pretty selfish and lazy around the house however he is always there when I need him."

Haven't read the whole thread but that is not a good partner.

dignified · 17/09/2010 23:12

Whatis , this is all textbook im afraid , and your reasoning and responses and also textbook ( thats not a criticism in any way ). It can be very daunting to be told to leave , and of course , theyre not ALWAYS like that , there are some good times , ect ect ect , sadly i know all the reasons for staying too.

How about for now just ringing womans aid and getting some support ? How about reading everything you can about emotional abuse ? Until you learn about it and understand what theyre doing the rose tinted glasses stay firmly on .

Its not your fault , at all. What hes doing to you is horrific , please dont assume he doesnt know or isnt aware because he is. If someone treated my daughter like this id beat the crap out of them.

tallwivglasses · 17/09/2010 23:14

bf - boyfriend? DP?
Oh you know what I mean - a gorgeous new bloke who treats you like a goddess!

MollysChambers · 17/09/2010 23:14

No - they think your relationship is bizarre but HOPE that he makes you happy. He doesn't

TrillianAstra · 17/09/2010 23:15

Oh, and it's not a typical man either. Or at least it shouldn't be, if women didn't let them get away with that crap.

dignified · 17/09/2010 23:16

it's given me something to mull over whilst he who must be obeyed thinks I'm looking up the meaning of patronising because I don't understand the meaning of the word?? (I suggested that was patronising but of course he's never!)

Hes projecting , like all abusers do. Look it up and read about what hes doing , along with gaslighting , minimizing and stonewalling and sexual abuse.

Please dont excuse his laziness around the house as typical , he is in fact a lazy twat who feels its your job to do the bulk because your a woman. Its not typical , and its not normal.

harecare · 17/09/2010 23:19

I really feel for you. Thank goodness you don't have kids yet as leaving him will be much simpler.
When I argue with DP I can look back at our past and think of lots of sweet things he's done that remind me what a great bloke he is really. It sounds as if when you look back on your past with your not so DH you remember instances of his being either sexually abusive or sexually withdrawn. Are you waiting for him to change? It doesn't sound like he will. I hope you feel a million times better once you can gather yourself together to leave him.

BellevilleRendezvous · 17/09/2010 23:20

whatis, first up you said "he is always there when I need him." But you also say that in counselling you covered the fact that you "didn't feel he was supporting me at a time when I really needed his emotional support. He claims that he was fully supportive and what I was expecting was unrealistic".

So he isn't there for you when you need him. He doesn't pull his weight around the house. He makes it awkward for you talk to your friends. He leaves you on your own at social functions. You "don't really enjoy doing the same things". You "don't feel close to him or loved or secure". You would like to have children but your sex life would appear to preclude this becoming a reality. He pays no heed to your sexual needs. You are always the one to initiate sex, but in fact you get nothing out of it.

OP you know the score. You have to be strong now, get yourself a good support network and make that decision to get out and ensure that the rest of your life isn't sspent feeling miserable and insecure and controlled and childless ....

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 23:21

But then you do start to question if perhaps friendship is more important and maybe we could just park the sex altogether and just be companions?

I don't know just too confusing.

He said today that I made him move away from what he knew (he moved with me years ago for 2 years) and he was miserable.
I questioned how he moved away from what he knew and he said that in the town that we moved to there were no companies looking for people who did what he did and I was shouted at for suggesting he could have got the train to the next town??
I then questioned how I could have made him move when I was little more than a child (18) and he was a fully grown man (not far off the age that I am now and if I moved town I certainly wouldn't be moving away from all I know as I could work in any town or commute)

OP posts:
BrandyAlexander · 17/09/2010 23:23

If you left this abnormal relationship today in 5 years time you could be in another relationship, and be a 38 year old mother. If you stay in this relationship, in 5 years time you will be a childless unhappy person. Don't you feel that you are worthy enough to deserve the first scenario? Please dont sleepwalk into the second scenario out of fear. This is YOUR life, and you only get one chance to live it. Don't waste it being unhappy. :(

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 23:26

Belle you've summed it up perfectly. I do so often think that I should leave but then I think if it is all in my head and imagination perhaps it's better to stay...

Dignified, he isn't sexually abusing as I never tell him not to do anything and always do whatever he wants. That's my fault for not being assertive enough.

I have just been so depressed recently and don't want to bore everyone with my problems all the time

OP posts:
dignified · 17/09/2010 23:26

Hes not your freind Whatis.

Do you think he talks to his boss like that ? His neighbours perhaps or other men ? No , just you , in private when your on your own is my bet.

Seriously read about gaslighting and youll suddenly see what motivates him to make these absurd remarks and accusations . No doubt you struggle to explain and defend yourself while he twists everything you say then rants and raves at you . I presume he is also shit with money and has on occasion either been violent to you or threatened to.