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Original poster

Is this a normal sex life???

807 replies

whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 21:37

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

  • Always initiated by me
  • 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
  • Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
  • Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 22:40

Thank you so much.

You are right, this is no way to live and I don't want to live like this.

I'm so sick of trying and being told it's all in my imagination and that things are fine etc etc

I have tried so many times and am just getting sick of being lonely (despite having many friends)

OP posts:
CarGirl · 17/09/2010 22:42

Talk to your brother and your friends, the ones that don't like him, they will help you leave.

YOu never did say what his job is, or his family, why is he desperate to appear "normal" by having a wife

doublequack · 17/09/2010 22:42

No. I think your situation is fairly rare. I am not saying that everyone else has perfect relationships, or sex lives, we/they dont. But this situation is beyond the every day grumbles and frustrations. He knows how you feel and he doesnt care! it isnt even like he cant be bothered to do anything, is too tired, depressed or hasn't got the desire or drive. He is actively choosing not to have any intimacy with you, while being happy to use you for his own needs.

ParanoidAtAllTimes · 17/09/2010 22:43

I know you are embarrassed to talk about this with rl friends but do you think you should have a heart to heart with your best friend about it? I really think you need a shoulder to cry on and someone to support you if you do decide to leave him (which, IMHO, you should).

SixtyFootDoll · 17/09/2010 22:44

L.E.A.V.E

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 17/09/2010 22:44

I was never so lonely as when I was married

I was also poor yet feared the financial consequence of divorce (it's been fine - in fact I'm better off)

I feared being single for ever (I was in a new relationship almost too soon tbh!)

I thought it was me - it so wasn't

Leave and start living :)

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 22:46

He has a middle management job that he finds too stressful and blames me for making him take it.

He said tonight that I only want him for his money (he earns less that I) and that I always presurise him to do things?! Again I asked him what he meant as I've encouraged him to leave his job for the past 5 years knowing he's been miserable and he just tells me I'm patronising him and that he's just defending himself against my attack

I just came on here in utter frustration as you do question if he is right.

We spoke tonight about how I want him for his money and he said that whenever I talk about our investments I always say 'my' and I tried to explain that my parents have given us more than 4 times the amount we have in investments (we also have almost as much in debts) and therefore if we were to split I would use this money to pay off our debts. He responds by saying he'll just sell his car as I just want his money - what money???!!

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 22:48

sorry to rant- just so nice to talk about it

OP posts:
CarGirl · 17/09/2010 22:49

Why are you in debt, are you both responsible or is he the spender?

blinks · 17/09/2010 22:49

emmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ALARM BELLS!!!

controlling

only wants bumming or oral sex

resents having sex with you

ignores your emotional and physical/sexual needs

expects you to mother him/clean his house.

brother and best friend think he's wrong for you.

COME ON! it might be scary now but christ can you imagine 40-50 years of this crap? add in babies and all the stresses and strains they bring.... is that what you want?

blinks · 17/09/2010 22:52

defo agree with tell friend and brother so they can support you with leaving... don't be scared.

dignified · 17/09/2010 22:52

He sounds very gay. And definateley abusive , in many ways . Read this.

www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

PeppermintPasty · 17/09/2010 22:53

I agree with the previous posts-it's appalling and goes way beyond even the crappest of crap times in (or out of)bed that me and my dp have been through. I don't believe this is normal...But what now?? It seems from your responses that you realise it's no good, but what's your plan now? How's your self confidence? Not very good I suspect...so you've got to get that up and running and then get out of this. Is there someone you can trust, confide in, who will help you leave. It's been a long time and that will take some doing. Don't waste your life-you'll get to 40...to 50, and think WHAT THE FUCK. Not not not normal, you can be reassured on that.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 22:53

We both spend to try and make ourselves happy (I know how ridiculous that sounds). We don't spend individually but we do things together, go to amazing places, nice restuarants.... He also encourages me to spend, for example this weekend he encourgaed me to spend money on a handbag using money I'd set aside for windows but because he was being really lovely to me, I didn't want to ruin the mood by pointing that out and it felt nice that he wanted me to be happy. If I pointed out we couldn't afford it he'd start on the 'I was wondering when you'd start on that' thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 22:55

I do have a couple of really good friends and one who knows I'm unhappy has said that I can stay with her.

It's just such a big step and I'm not certain I can make it.

OP posts:
MollysChambers · 17/09/2010 22:56

Don't let debts put you off moving on. You've got a decent job and investments - you'll be fine.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 22:57

I do think about 40-50 years but we are quite companiable and so many older people I meet tell me that companionship and friendship is the most important thing in their relationship.

The problem is that I can be convinced I want to leave then I see him and just can't.

OP posts:
ParanoidAtAllTimes · 17/09/2010 22:57

Perhaps step one is just to confide in your friend, or as others have suggested, a counsellor. Not packing bags just yet, just offloading to someone who is there and not at the other end of a computer screen.

AnxiousLand · 17/09/2010 22:58

i think he may be very selfish and sorry to say whether you loved himn is not an excuse for almost destroying your own soul wasting years with a pig like this.
ask yourself why you have let a man do this to you?
Love is not the excuse you had self esteem issues before you met him
DIVORCE IT

ParanoidAtAllTimes · 17/09/2010 22:58

In fact, I think you've done step one by coming on here.

Dione · 17/09/2010 22:58

Imagine yourself in 5 years time. What would you tell the now you?

I think that you already know the answer. What you are going through is not normal. He is selfish in bed (and probably gay) and he may be using reckless spending not just as a way of the two of you compensating for your unhappiness, but as a way of keeping you together.

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 22:59

I think I could survive financially on my own. I just know that so many people would be dissapointed and upset and don't know if I could cope without him

OP posts:
MollysChambers · 17/09/2010 23:00

Christ - companionship? You're 33! This is your life. Not a dress rehearsal. We only get one go at it. Don't waste it on this guy.

ParanoidAtAllTimes · 17/09/2010 23:00

Are you sure that friendship will still be there after many more years of neglect, frustration and misery? You mentioned children- do you really see this relationship producing a family?

Original poster
whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 23:01

I think you're right about conselling. I had a few free sessions through work recently and they suggested that I continue to see someone (we never addressed the relationship bar the fact I didn't feel he was supporting me at a time when I really needed his emotional support). He claims that he was fully supportive and what I was expecting was unrealistic

OP posts: